Verbal sadism: how to get rid of psychological violence in the family
The verbal sadist can be difficult to recognize at first. He can show himself as a loving, caring, attentive and reliable person, and seem to be a real standard of a man …
At first glance, it may seem that there is no violence, and your touchiness and inability to accept objective criticism speaks in you. But each time the words of a loved one hit more and more, and when once again you persuade yourself to endure or simply not pay attention, it no longer works.
Nothing foreshadowed a thunderstorm
The verbal sadist can be difficult to recognize at first. He can show himself as a loving, caring, attentive and reliable person, and seem to be a real standard of a man.
He distinguishes you from all, exalts you above the rest, sees in you something bright, pure, filling you with the desire to live. He is ready to always be there: in illness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, to love and protect from everything and everyone. His devotion immediately captivates you, and you see in front of you the best husband you can imagine, because everything shows that family for this person is the most valuable thing in life.
You know for certain the whole story of his life. You understand that he had to endure a lot of difficulties, that life sometimes acted very harshly with him, and therefore in many matters he shows excessive categoricality, dividing the world only into black and white. But so far this does not alarm you, and you are struggling to understand, console, inspire and become the one who will change his opinion about a cruel world and ungrateful people.
The first "swallows" of verbal sadism
The first alarm bells can appear by accident, for example, when you tell the sad story of your girlfriend in the hope of hearing words of sympathy. In response, you hear: “Once again I am convinced: all women are the same. You see what happens when …”. And then a two-hour lecture follows on how not to do it.
Further, in the actions of the ideal image, to which you must correspond (after all, you are an ideal, which means that you must behave with honor), he begins to notice "spots", necessarily pointing to them.
It can be one unironed fold on the shirt, a mug that you forget to put back on the shelf, a tablecloth with the left edge slightly lower than the right one, a dusty shelf in the corridor that your husband will immediately point out to you. Such situations begin to arise constantly, and they are always accompanied by a sigh and instructive instructions, after which you feel incompetent in elementary things. And then it only gets worse.
Verbal abuse as it is
Too bright lipstick, not the right word for him … Cheeky behavior, which, in his opinion, manifests itself in a good-natured conversation with an old friend. Then a ban on communicating with friends may well follow, because they did not pass the test of decency. Personal correspondence monitoring, obligatory joint choice of clothes, criticism of hobbies and appearance. And this is not a complete list of signs of verbal abuse.
Trying to correspond to his ideal, trying in any way to avoid conflicts, you will each time come across even more criticism and search for shortcomings, each time becoming more clearly aware of the hopelessness of the situation.
With words he hits with sophistication, and always at the most sore spot. Biting, caustic, with a touch of contempt. He knows exactly what to say to make you feel guilty. And he will still and again remember all your mistakes, although he knows perfectly well how unpleasant such mentions are to you, and that you asked me not to do this a million times.
He will also never deny himself the pleasure of humiliating you. For example, he will say that before him you were nobody, you talked with unworthy people, that no one has ever treated you better than him, and therefore you must appreciate him. And in a fit of anger, when he is almost ready to hit you, and you feel really scared, you realize that you cannot break out of these chains, that there are no limits to what is permissible for him, and there is a real monster in front of you.
And if initially you convinced yourself that he was right in his criticism and only wished you well, that it was you who needed to change in order to become better, then now you perfectly understand the whole tragedy of your position. But you endure, because he is not always like that. He can be gentle and loving, because he often admits himself that he was wrong.
True, after many hours of clarification of relations and stormy reconciliation, everything is repeated again.
Who are they - verbal sadists?
A detailed answer to this question is given by the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.
To begin with, it should be noted that verbal sadism manifests itself in people with an anal vector. The concept of a vector implies a certain set of mental characteristics, properties and desires given to a person from birth. Depending on what vectors a person is endowed with and under the influence of what factors these vectors have developed, it will depend on what he will become in adult life.
What is typical for people with anal vector? The main values in life for them are family, marriage, children, home comfort. They are the most loyal and devoted husbands and the best fathers by nature. Such people have a strong will, respect traditions, value truth and justice, and are prone to stability in relationships. They are characterized by consistency, thrift, honesty, conservatism, perseverance. They always strive for excellence, that is, to be the best in everything, finish what they have begun and try to become highly qualified professionals in their field.
However, not always a person with an anal vector can only show their positive qualities.
The origins of verbal sadism
Clean and dirty are key concepts for people with anal vector. And a person will express himself in life in relation to these two concepts depending on what state he is in.
So, if something in the development of a person with an anal vector went wrong, as well as in the case of an accumulation of frustrations, he will seek to blacken, stain everything around. He will see dirt everywhere and look for it everywhere: in everyday life, in relationships, in people - wherever possible. And instead of a faithful and loving husband, you will get a home tyrant. Let's consider the mechanism of such behavior formation.
Often sadistic life scenarios appear as a result of strong resentment against the mother. For a child with an anal vector, the connection with the mother is especially important. It is the mother who, with her support in every undertaking, is able to help the naturally indecisive little representative of the anal vector to take the first steps into an independent life, to learn to make decisions.
And when such a child does not receive the required attention and love from the mother, a stable resentment is formed in him in the form of a feeling that he has not been given something (attention, love and support of the mother). The first negative experience in the relationship with the mother becomes the cause of subconscious resentment towards all women. The inherent need of anal people for everything to be equally (since my mother offended me, then I will not remain in debt, even if it be even a transfer of resentment to my woman) and the feeling of unfair deprivation cause an irresistible desire to take revenge and punish. Hence the desire to denigrate, find a flaw, morally humiliate a woman, thus compensating for her own shortage.
A naturally given good memory (with the aim of fulfilling a species role - transferring experience to subsequent generations) will manifest itself in this case as rancor, and attachment to the past will make a person fixated on an unsuccessful first experience, which is the source of verbal sadism.
By the way, the first bad experience with a woman can also program a person into a negative scenario throughout his life.
The reasons for verbal sadism (and physical) in a person with an anal vector can be long-term sexual dissatisfaction and partial or complete loss of social realization, for example, due to dismissal from work, or in a situation when they do not appreciate at work, do not notice merits.
It is important to understand that verbal sadism is evidence of certain personal problems that the verbal sadist may not be aware of himself.
Instead of a verbal sadist - a loving husband
Acquiring knowledge of Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, we begin to understand the people around us as ourselves. We can see the reasons and motives for their actions, as well as all possible scenarios for the development of relations with them.
All this helps to build a strong relationship with the right partner, filled with love and mutual understanding. You can learn more about the character traits of people with an anal vector at the free online lectures on Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register by the link:
