That feeling when you are 13, but you no longer have the strength to live
You would gladly become invisible or disappear altogether. Why be? Why go to school? Then again to study at the institute? What for? To work? What for? To eat? Why is there? For life? Why live?
You are lonely and unhappy. Nothing pleases, nothing captivates. Everything that was of interest before seems empty and meaningless. You are disgusting to yourself. How to live? Why get up in the morning? Why leave home? Why is it all?
If not for your mother, you would not have crawled out from under the covers. Only in a dream does this pain, this torment, release for a short time. But the mother bothers, drives me to school, demands something. You have long known by heart her entire repertoire of daily nagging. Before, you internally shrank from her tirades. Each word with a red-hot needle pierced the brain and exploded with hatred: “No, I'm not like that! What do you know about me ?!"
But these words of the mother were imprinted in your mind: "Why did I give birth to you?" They cannot be forgotten and not thrown out of my head. They hurt, they burn you from the inside out.
There is a wall between you. You lined it up so as not to suffer. You learned not to hear. Let the mother scream and lament, now you don't care. Ice inside and a strange feeling of unreality of what is happening. You see how silently the lips of the mother move, how the mouth curls and the nostrils flare, how her hands rush and her shadow jumps. You're funny. Hit…
I hate …
You hate her. You hate yourself for this hate.
You hate your own body, which fails you so often. You suddenly seem to grow into the ground when you have to run, numb with resentment, instead of giving back. You cannot utter a word when you have to shout. Only pain pierces the brain, clenches fists and jaws, twists the stomach and throws it into a fever. You cannot control yourself.
You are tired of being dependent on the body. He needs to be fed and nurtured, acne treated, weight loss and drowsiness treated. Trying to look beautiful, as the mother wants. What for? Why would someone like, create a relationship? What are these stupid human games for?
Why was I born?
Dark glasses, a hood pulled up to the eyebrows, headphones in the ears with a rumble called music. You close yourself off from the world as best you can.
Outwardly insensitive, you hold back the storm within yourself so as not to scream. You are thrown out of hatred into despair by questions: “Why do I need all this? Why put up with it? Why is it so unbearable to live? " You are ready to inflict physical pain on yourself, to bang your head against the wall, just to drown out the pain of your soul at least for a while. How to get rid of this torture?
You would gladly become invisible or disappear altogether. Why be? Why go to school? Then again to study at the institute? What for? To work? What for? To eat? Why is there? For life? Why live? In order to study? And so in a circle ??? What's the point ?!
Do not touch me. I don't want to hear you
How do people live and rejoice like that? A senseless animal existence. Why are they only interested in money, things, apartments, lovers? How can a girl be occupied only by outfits, gossip and guys? However, for your acquaintances of the same age, it is these things that are significant.
You tried to be like everyone else. Enough for a short time. Then indifference and contempt came again. Better loneliness than meaningless chatter. Nothing to talk about. You cannot understand their stupid chatter. Only one thing is clear.
You are not like everyone else. You have no place among them. Nobody understands you - neither peers, nor teachers, nor relatives, nor mother. Especially mother. No friends. There is empty formal communication.
You mechanically do your usual things, eat, drink, go to school and once a favorite section. It doesn't matter now. You automatically perform some actions, as if observing from the outside and not getting involved in the process. Everything has lost its taste. You turned off all your senses so it didn't hurt so much.
Life on the net
From the painful tastelessness and roughness of the world, you hide in online games. There, in another reality, you are not you. There, your pain lets you go for a little while.
Wandering the network, deep down you hope that there is someone who will understand you, show you a way out of unhappiness and loneliness. You find communities where teenagers write about misunderstanding and pain. Where, just like you, they ask the question: "Why?" Where girls who have experienced unhappy love and parental rudeness share their disappointments. You truly empathize with them.
First comes understanding: you are not the only one. For some period it becomes easier for you, your loneliness dulls. But then your unhappiness increases, connecting with the suffering of your virtual interlocutors, just like you, who do not understand what is happening to them.
For the first time you read on social networks: “Why live, you will die anyway”.
Are these your thoughts or are you being pushed to think about death as a way to get rid of suffering? "Is this really a way out?" - you think.
Why is it so painful to live at 13?
It's hard to believe, but you are not alone. Your feelings are well understood by those rare people who, like you, in Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology are called sound specialists or carriers of the sound vector.
It is the sound people who suffer most from depression during adolescence. She is associated with a lack of understanding of her role in this world and her true desire to find the meaning of her life.
The owners of the sound vector from infancy differ from their peers in some detachment and special sensitivity to sounds and meanings. The fact is that the special, sensitive ear of the sound engineer suffers from loud noise. A small sound engineer reacts sharply to mom's shout, children's screeching or the roar of the street. Trying to avoid unpleasant effects on hearing, such a kid will prefer quiet games alone to noisy fun of peers.
Often a sound engineer from childhood shows musical talent, the ability to learn languages. Since he is from birth capable of capturing the subtlest nuances of the sound of a musical melody or human speech.
Naturally endowed with abstract intelligence, sound scientists are interested in serious issues from early childhood. “Why do the stars shine? Where does the world end? Where did people come from? " Having matured, carriers of the sound vector often easily cope with complex mathematical and physical problems, like to read science fiction, enjoy playing music and composing poetry, skillfully adding words and meanings.
In contrast to the brightly emotional carriers of the visual vector, who have all the feelings "written on their faces," the sound people look almost insensitive, immersed in themselves. Often you need to ask a question several times in order to bring the owner of the sound vector out of deep thought.
Absent gaze, detachment, taciturnity distinguish the sound engineer from the crowd of classmates. And interest in serious issues of the world order and high intelligence make him look down on the hobbies of his peers, look for thematic communication. Potentially, these teenagers are brilliant scientists, programmers, musicians and writers.
Night is the favorite time of sound people. In darkness, silence and loneliness, listening to the rustles of the world outside the window, in his concentration the sound engineer is able to create unique thought forms, making breakthroughs in science, giving birth to poetic or musical masterpieces. By these actions, serving the development of all mankind and experiencing the greatest pleasure from the realization of their properties.
All interests and desires of the carriers of the sound vector are associated with their own consciousness. Nothing material has value to them. Neither family, nor love, nor success can satisfy the sound desire for knowledge. That is why even outwardly prosperous girls and boys, as well as adults with a sound vector, suffer from misunderstanding: "It seems that everything is there, but there is no happiness."
What happens during a quarrel
Any loud sound injures the owner of the sound vector. Defending himself from rough exposure, the sound engineer tries to hide from the tormenting noise, to go deeper into himself. When offensive meanings are added to the pain from loudness, the sound child loses the ability to recognize meanings in general, learning ability decreases, he seems to lose contact with others and moves away, withdraws into himself.
In attempts to reach out to her seemingly indifferent, detached daughter, the emotional mother screams, wanting to be heard. From a feeling of his own powerlessness and fear for the child, he raises his voice, switches to insults, trying to achieve at least some kind of reaction. Seeing no response, he becomes even more inflamed and can no longer stop. It may seem to the mother that the child is mocking her, ignoring her, but in fact he is forced to defend himself in this way.
At this moment, the whole world collapses for her daughter. After all, the child loses the feeling of security and safety that he needs so much. With shouts and misunderstandings, his mother deprives him of his support, and he perceives the whole world as hostile. The feeling of loneliness and uselessness in this world intensifies. Defending himself with hatred from everyone, losing contact with people, he plunges into himself, going even deeper into his pain.
The feeling of vulnerability is supplemented by a burning and severe resentment against the mother and is transferred to the whole world, if there is also an anal vector, resentment against the mother can become a starting point in the world of suffering and rejection of life. Resentment separates from the mother, other people, breaks off relations with people. It makes you isolate yourself from everyone, hide in your cocoon of mistrust, pain and hatred.
Get rid of the connection with the world
Perceiving all stimuli (noise, light, smells, tactile sensations) as a hindrance to concentrating within ourselves in an attempt to realize something important that eludes our understanding, we, sound scientists, perceive our body as a burden. Especially in adolescence, when, due to the restructuring of the body, many processes excite and annoy with sudden unfamiliar manifestations.
Sound specialists can feel themselves, their "I", their mind, their consciousness separate from their body. Therefore, due to sound depression and resentment against the mother, for the whole world, erroneous thoughts come to them: to get rid of the pain and suffering of this life, you just need to get rid of the body. After all, it binds to this empty world of vanity and meaninglessness. But this is not an option! The soul will not be freed from the body, but will perish with it. Suicide is a wrong decision, it does not provide relief from suffering, nor answers to questions.
The most unbearable despair seems to be a dead end, but in fact it is a huge question of a tormented and tired soul - why Me ?! And there is an answer to it.
There is a real way out
Today physics, music, and philosophy are no longer enough for sound specialists. Sound specialists are captured by the secrets of the unconscious, the force that animates this world, forcing people to move, to strive for something, to desire something.
Many people with similar conditions were able to get rid of the sense of meaninglessness of life and from thoughts of suicide with the help of Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology. Here are their feedback on the results:
Give yourself a chance to experience this world without pain. After all, it is precisely the sound engineers who are given to live the incredible sensations of cognition instead of the stuffiness of meaningless existence. The first revitalizing glimpses from understanding the meaning of what is happening illuminate already at night free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register here.