Silver wedding ended … in divorce, or What destroys a relationship in a marriage?
Why have tens of years lived together have not turned into the foundation of a strong relationship? And then what is the secret of those lucky ones who live together all their lives, keeping their feelings until the very end?
For the years lived together, fate does not give a guarantee
Divorce after twenty, thirty, forty years of life in marriage causes at least surprise for everyone. After all, it was this couple that everyone around them admired. Such a union seemed indestructible, the feelings were real, and the mutual understanding was complete. Someone, and they should have stayed together.
How many things have passed - and sadness, and joy, and ups, and downs, and passions, and quarrels - have lived half their lives together. They worked, built a house, raised children. During this time, one could already learn each other by heart, understand all the oddities and get used to habits. You can grow into each other, stick together, turn into one whole. And here - a divorce. Like a bolt from the blue.
What is it? Gray hair in the beard - a devil in the rib?
Why have tens of years lived together have not turned into the foundation of a strong relationship? And then what is the secret of those lucky ones who live together all their lives, keeping their feelings until the very end? At the training System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, these questions receive deep, observable answers, which helps to overcome any crisis.
We're good together, as long as we're good
For the first three years in a relationship, attraction keeps us going. Sexual desire that is said to be crazy. During this period, no arguments from the outside will force us to part with each other. The brain is disconnected from control, we are passionate. We close our eyes to any oddities, unpleasant habits or mistakes of our partner.
By the end of the three-year period or earlier, if no other connections have been built besides attraction, such relationships become obsolete. The veil falls from the eyes, and we begin to notice all the shortcomings of our partner. Conflicts begin, showdown, mutual claims and reproaches. Often phrases “she has changed”, “he is not the same as he was before”, “she finally showed her true face”, “now this is not the person whom I once fell in love” are heard.
In the future, the couple retains attraction and the relationship has a positive continuation only if they have a connection of a higher level than natural passion.
What is an emotional bond in a couple?
General feelings. Memories. Interests. Lessons. The ability and desire to share emotions, to live them together. This means feeling each other, cherishing the feelings and desires of a partner, respecting them.
This is trust. Trust each other so much that you allow yourself to trust him with the most intimate - your doubts, painful memories, strange thoughts, secret desires, aspirations and goals.
Trust is deciding to ask for help. This is to admit your weakness. It is to share your joy, your success, your achievements.
Such a connection is born at the moment of a frank conversation, in an attempt to put oneself in the shoes of a partner, to look at the situation from his point of view, to see oneself from the outside and to understand where mistakes were made and where the right direction was chosen.
This is the more complex type of relationship that we are able to build as a couple, and this can keep the relationship for many years. In this case, attraction does not go anywhere, but simply ceases to be primary.
It is not just a beautiful body that excites and attracts, but this woman, because she has become so dear and beloved that life without her seems unthinkable. You want to kiss her, not because she has such plump lips, but because you care about and touch what she feels, says what she thinks.
In such a relationship, intercourse becomes a natural continuation of the emotional connection. This is the physical embodiment of the union of the senses and, of course, this pleasure is on a completely different level.
When love is lost
The emotional connection can weaken. After all, this is not cement, not a stone house, it cannot be built once and for all. It requires constant work, involvement in each other's life, focus not on oneself, but on a loved one.
When the connection weakens, nothing holds us together. If at the same time joint work is lost (retirement), grown-up children leave, housing arrangement no longer requires joint efforts, then a man and a woman continue life together by inertia. And then the slightest pressure of the landscape, the slightest obstacle, irritation, resentment - and the relationship collapses.
The prospect of creating an emotional bond with another person becomes something more important and valuable than a long marriage. It seems that all these years have been wasted because there is nothing left to do. Strangers. And, yes, without an emotional connection, they really are strangers.
Without a systematic understanding of the situation, such spouses easily part and go into other relationships for emotions in the hope of the pleasure that was previously together. However, the sum does not change from a change in the terms, that is, from a change in partners, the essence of the relationship does not become different.
Without constant efforts on both sides (and primarily on the part of the woman) to strengthen the emotional connection and build other bridges - intellectual, spiritual, developing - nothing will happen. Even new relationships will be doomed to failure, and much faster than old ones. After all, new partners, as a rule, have even less in common than those who have lived together for decades.
How to save a long-term marriage?
A relationship starts with a woman. She is the locomotive of family life. It sets the tone, defines the direction, gives rise to. She is the first emotion, a sensual beginning, a source of passion, because she is desired by a man. And it is with her that the emotional connection begins in a couple.
The internal state of a woman is the microclimate in the house, the atmosphere of relationships, the level of mutual understanding between partners and, as a result, the quality of the family union.
The balanced psychological state of a woman in itself is capable of strengthening the shaken family ties. A balanced, peaceful, happy and confident woman is attractive to a man. She is attractive on the inside. I want to be next to her, I want to communicate with her, I want to surprise and delight her.
Such a state is possible when there is a complete understanding of one's own psychological nature, a deep and holistic perception of one's desires and capabilities. When psychological anchors, fears, resentments and other psychological rubbish that prevent you from feeling happy are worked out and realized. And most importantly, when there is an understanding of your partner, his states, desires, features - this radically changes the perception of everything that happens between you, helping to build a bridge of love connecting you.
It is not for nothing that many women write about significant changes in family life after they have completed the training in System Vector Psychology in their reviews.
A new, qualitatively more attractive state of a woman arouses at least interest in a man. And this is already a good opportunity to create and strengthen an emotional connection with your partner.
The first step can be an invitation to the negotiating table. Honestly admitting that there is a problem in the relationship is already the beginning of solving it. The desire to save the marriage has every chance of success, because you have already done this, and more than once. Many years spent together are an undeniable confirmation of the very fact that you CAN be happy together.
It is you who have a lot in common - a common past, all life, work, children, a sea of memories, mutual friends, perhaps work, creativity, business, hobbies. This means many happy moments lived together. And this also means that they can repeat themselves if you work on it. Consciously. On purpose. Mutually.
The touch of hearts begins from one point, and there are a lot of such points of contact in marriage, and each of them means a chance for family happiness.
Paired relationships are not a status, not a fait accompli; they are a dynamic, changeable, flexible and malleable process. It changes depending on influences from the outside, if the influence from within is weakened.
You can prevent external influences from destroying relationships only by strengthening them from the inside. The more the partners have uniting feelings and mutual understanding, the more difficult it is to destroy such an alliance. A sensual connection is stronger than circumstances, stronger than failures and losses. As long as she is, the union will live.