Let's Talk Frankly, or The Role of Sincerity in Couples Relationships
How open should you be with your partner? Where are the boundaries of sincerity that it is better not to cross? What can you talk about with each other, and what should you keep with you?
Paired relationships are primarily built on trust. When you trust another person, you expect a certain degree of openness from him too. Joint secrets appear that concern only you two and are not intended for outsiders.
But what about everyone's deeply personal secrets? It happens that the excessive frankness of one of the partners becomes too heavy a burden for the other. The desire to lighten the soul, "so that there is not a single secret between you," can even scare away or cause a crack in the relationship.
At the other extreme, when a man and a woman live "by their own interests", which "do not concern anyone", intersecting only in bed and in everyday life, when the personal life of each individually is lost that common that connects the two. A partnership of this kind also cannot form the basis of a long and lasting relationship that could bring pleasure to both.
How open should you be with your partner? Where are the boundaries of sincerity that it is better not to cross? What can you talk about with each other, and what should you keep with you?
There are a lot of illusions and misconceptions about this. Let's try to debunk some of the most common myths about frankness in a couple using the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. And understand how to be happy in a couple.
Myth one: secrets are best left for a girlfriend
It often happens that when a problem arises in a relationship, we go to a friend for a solution, or we just complain about our husband to our mother, we come to cry on our sister's shoulder. Sometimes it becomes easier, sometimes even a way out of this situation is found, and it seems to us that everything was done correctly. However, there is a faint, almost elusive feeling that you and your husband are one step further to each other. Why is that? After all, everything is fine, the conflict is resolved, the relationship is established. The fact is that in this case the problem was not resolved, it was postponed, an important conversation between the two did not take place.
You became closer to the person you trusted, built an emotional connection with your friend. And that is why you are estranged from your spouse. Those emotions, those sincere feelings, experiences and thoughts about your life together, which were intended exclusively for you two, were given to another. It can be a thousand times a good friend, but you are not building a pair alliance with her.
Emotional connection in a couple is one of the main components of a happy relationship in a couple. This is exactly what can keep a man and a woman together for many years, when a three-year period of attraction to each other passes, and the force of attraction weakens only on the basis of sexual desire.
It is then that the connection of another level comes to the fore, if it has been created. This is the ability, skill, ability to share emotions with each other. This is what our parents, who lived their lives together, spoke about with the expression “we feel each other”. And yes, this is a skill, it is developed, acquired, formed in the process of mutual work on relationships, but it starts from a woman, from her desire and desire to feel a man.
Girlfriend, mother, sister, neighbor - any third person is always superfluous when it comes to pair relationships. Emotional connection outside the pair union is always "due" to the connection with the partner.
Myth two: a woman should have a riddle, a secret, a personal secret
Here it is worth clarifying what is meant. To dump all your past: both light and dark, as in confession? This is definitely not worth doing. In some cases, premature revelations can even cause a split in a relationship.
However, there is no need to build a wall around yourself under the slogan of protecting private property. Your past is only your business, but if you are together, then it is important to learn to understand and feel each other, and without a trusting dialogue about feelings, thoughts, desires, this is impossible.
A woman's secret is not her past love affairs and secret contracts with foreign suppliers, it is an inexplicable ability to remain the most desirable for a beloved man, his muse, dream, first prize.
Any riddle is attractive because it can still be solved. The partner should just be the lucky one who should be trusted. Therefore, he was chosen by you. He is special and should feel it, understand that you trust him one hundred percent.
Myth three: you shouldn't open your soul, because the more you open up, the more painful you can get hurt
The experience of unsuccessful relationships can be that obstacle that prevents you from letting another person into your life. Fears of new suffering do not allow to open up and trust again. Yes, breaking up is a pain. But by isolating yourself from any feelings, you will not save yourself from suffering, but only begin to cause them to yourself. The emptiness in the heart, which inevitably occurs in a relationship without an emotional connection, is no less painful, it hardens. Artificial loneliness leads to longing and despair. Nobody is created to live alone. Feelings are given to rage, and the heart to beat hard.
For an emotional person, pleasure consists not in the absence of pain, but in creating a strong emotional connection with another person, in bringing together a new level - sensual, intellectual, spiritual.
The tighter the soul is closed, the worse it is. Yes, the risk of getting burned is always present, but this is not a reason to get covered in ice or hide behind a stone wall. Risk is a noble cause, and in a pair relationship it is all the more justified, since the emotional connection that arises on the basis of mutual sincerity serves as the basis for a strong and long joint future. And without her, there is not even a hope of saving the relationship.
Myth the fourth: a wife cannot be a friend, because one does not sleep with a friend
Very often in our environment there are people with whom it is pleasant to be friends, communicate, spend time, work, but somehow the question of creating a relationship with such a person does not even come to mind. A man and a woman can be colleagues, neighbors, even friends, but they never take a more decisive step - try to build a pair relationship. And all because of fears of losing an already existing friendship.
And in vain! If your wife is not a friend, not the person you trust, with whom you freely and openly communicate during the day, with whom you have an emotional connection, then you want to sleep with her less and less. The wife of a business partner or the wife of a beautiful doll - such roles do not attract for long. But a soul mate, a person who understands, who empathizes, who is interested and involved in the life of a partner, is very exciting. It stimulates the intellect, the senses, the soul and, as a result, the body.
If between a man and a woman there is already a connection at the level of common interests, work, creativity, friendship, they have even more chances of creating strong and long-term relationships in a couple, because the basis of an emotional connection has already been laid, it remains to develop it.
Understanding and trust are the foundation of any relationship. A frank talk "about us" is the key to a strong emotional bond in a couple.
Don't live myths, be realistic, happy realists. Sincere, loved and desired.
