Treason and revenge are two sides of the same nightmare
We have not seen each other for about thirty years. After university, we were scattered far and long. At one time we had a good relationship, but we were never really close.
Half an hour later, we ordered a cappuccino at a nearby cafe, where we sat for many hours. I was glad to meet and could not help asking questions. Feeling my sincere interest and disposition, Lisa gradually melted and told me the story of her life …
And that - tell me, for God's sake, Who should put your hands on your shoulders?
The one from whom I was stolen, In revenge, she will also steal.
He will not immediately answer with the same, But he will live with himself in a struggle, And unconsciously he will outline
Someone distant for himself.
Evgeny Evtushenko
A meeting
We met Lisa by chance at a noisy train station in a foreign city. She was the first to speak to me. Otherwise, I would never have recognized in this stately lady the once almost invisible Liza.
Completely gray, but perfectly styled hair, the same perfect makeup, comfortable but elegant clothes - classic shapes, all in color.
The familiar pensive look became even broader. But now gray sadness was streaming from the gray eyes.
We have not seen each other for about thirty years. After university, we were scattered far and long. At one time we had a good relationship, but we were never really close.
Half an hour later, we ordered a cappuccino at a nearby cafe, where we sat for many hours. I was glad to meet and could not help asking questions. Feeling my sincere interest and affection, Lisa gradually melted and told me the story of her life.
Lisa
Lisa was one of the strongest on the stream. The anal-visual student is the pride of the faculty. For her excellent studies, responsibility and concentration, she was adored and set as an example by all teachers.
In her last year, a modest and quiet girl unexpectedly got married. But less than a month later, the young family broke up. Despite the unshakable prospect of a red diploma, Lisa dropped out of school and disappeared from sight. Nobody knew anything about her.
… It turned out that the reason for the break with her husband was his betrayal.
The trouble was endless. Everything collapsed. Even time did not heal. And a lot of it has flown under the bridge.
After the divorce, she was left not just alone, but in isolation, to which she had doomed herself.
The years passed. To remain alone, without communication, attention, love for a person with a visual vector was an unbearable torment. As unbearable as the decision never to start a family for a person with an anal structure of the psyche. But the fear was even stronger.
Lisa understood that she could not survive another betrayal. But there are no guarantees that this will not happen again.
She was looking for a way to protect herself from more pain. She needed a vaccine, immunity in case she was betrayed again.
Forgiveness of the people who betrayed her was out of the question. The pain destroyed, the insult burned the soul, life turned into hell.
Liza became seriously ill and was on the verge of death. Fading away in a hospital bed, she was tormented by the question: "Why ?!" It was clear that her illness was of a psychic nature, but there was no salvation. Now it seemed to her that it was a "punishment" for naivety and trust, then she was tormented by fear that it was some kind of curse, evil eye, damage.
And I also wanted people who caused pain to feel their guilt, to be tormented by it. I wanted to shout to them: “Look what you have done to me! I think it was your fault! And now you have to live with it! But they seemed to live well. There was no way to return this pain to them, to pay for what had happened, to restore balance. They were far away, and I did not want to approach them.
Following the inexorable formula of nature, a thirst for revenge awoke in the even soul of an honest and devoted Lisa. The feeling of injustice for such people becomes a real curse. Any misalignment needs to be corrected.
But how do you fix what's left in the past?
It was unbearable to admit to myself the desire so ugly. But they couldn't get rid of him either.
It was new pain. Unquenchable. Like a hungry animal, she gnawed a hole in my soul, drove me crazy.
And sick thoughts began to appear in the diseased brain. “Being good is bad. Nobody appreciates this. If I had not been so correct and principled, I would not have been so painful. There are others - got up, dust themselves off and live on. And I'm dying. So, we must be like them. We must stop being a good girl, give a damn about principles, shove away our honesty!"
Lisa now perceived people exclusively as enemies. Whether a man or a woman is a potential danger. There were no more women in her life. No girlfriends, no female friends, with colleagues - just "hello". She shied away from them, they from her.
True, from time to time there were brave men who tried to break through her armor of mistrust and fear. But being sure that "they only need one thing", Lisa steadfastly held the defense. When loneliness became unbearable and she nevertheless entered into a relationship, these were short, non-binding connections. “Only for health,” she tried to persuade herself. But as soon as the man began to want more, Lisa immediately interrupted communication.
Once, on the verge of another break, she accidentally met a former gentleman. He invited him to dinner, and Lisa stayed until morning. And since the existing relationship had not yet ended, it was a CHANGE.
This thought blew up consciousness. She, honest and correct, cheated! Here it is! Missing link. What I have been looking for for a long time. Here it is - RETURN! The opportunity to return what at one time hurt her.
She knew it was unhealthy, but everything about her was jubilant. It was a relief, a release. It was as if something twisted into an arc was aligned inside. It was revenge. Sweet and delicious. And it doesn't matter at all that she took revenge on a person who was absolutely not involved in what once happened to her.
She never broke off the relationship, but she continued to meet with another. She became a "bad woman," but the thought was surprisingly comforting. Lisa has an antidote. “Firstly, if her companion decided to act dishonestly - betray, deceive, abandon, she would be“avenged in advance”. And secondly, the incorruptible inner judge believed that now, being "bad", she "deserved" the same bad attitude towards herself. So if something like this happened, it would be "fair."
This madness lasted for several years. In fact, it hasn't changed. But she remained the same - honest and loyal. And when the first euphoria passed, she began to be burdened by the need to lead a double life.
Liza's heart remained deaf, incapable of feelings. She could not relax, open up, believe. She did not leave the feeling that the person who was next to her should pay for her sad past. He must seek her again and again, prove his love, cherish and cherish. After all, she is an unfortunate victim that everyone now owes.
The visual vector demanded attention, the anal one was jealous of the past. All this resulted in constant grievances, claims, violent hysteria.
Unconsciously, she provoked her man to something “such”, so that later she would be able to declare with righteous indignation: “Here! I just knew - all the same!"
Over the years, her lover managed to get married, but he did not interrupt his connection with Lisa, which only confirmed her conviction in the general corruption of man.
What seemed like a solution turned out to be a trap. The long-awaited revenge did not save or cure, but awakened an incorruptible conscience, depriving the last grains of self-respect. Nature cannot be deceived. If the soul is programmed to be faithful, playing a double game is like walking on your head.
Life on the front line. Daily verbal shootout, a minefield of grievances, ready to explode at any moment with hysteria or scandal. Complete mental concussion …
Letter
… About a year has passed since our meeting. The other day I received a letter from Lisa:
Hello! How wonderful that life pushed us then at the station!
I nevertheless decided to undergo Yuri Burlan's training "System-vector psychology", which you told me about. Not right away, of course. For six months I walked in circles, tormented by doubts, looking for counterarguments, hoping to find negative reviews. I am writing this now with a smile:) Oh, this famous anal vector! Fear of everything new and unknown, plus the first bad experience with further projection on everything and everyone. It's like the mark of a curse for life. What a relief to be rid of him forever!
You know, I seemed to be born again! I left B…. Has gone nowhere. But now loneliness does not scare me. I found my way to myself. I am learning to understand my real desires, to feel real needs. I suddenly felt that there was no loneliness at all. It is impossible to be lonely when you realize that you are part of a huge, harmonious and beautiful in its diversity organism!
I began not only to notice people around, but also to be interested in them. Really, sincerely. And every new observation, recognition, awareness is a delight! I write and cry. You can't even imagine how I was afraid and hated all those around me, far and near. She was afraid to be misunderstood, not good, not loved, rejected … And she hated them for this fear, for the constant threat that I felt in every cell. I hated for the inability to be myself, love, trust, LIVE …
But it turned out that people had nothing to do with it. It was as if the glasses that distorted reality had been removed from me. I gradually begin to see clearly. I may not see everything clearly and clearly, but the light at the end of the tunnel is for sure. And there is no longer any tunnel. This light is around me and in me. I feel light in my soul from the fact that I figured out my past, I understood why everything turned out this way. I didn't even have to forgive anyone. Everything happened somehow by itself. And the overwhelming resentment, from which I did not even hope to get rid of, just left. She's gone. As there is no pain and regret. And there is hope!
I am no longer afraid of betrayal and treason. Yes, there were no guarantees either. But when you understand yourself and the people with whom you come into contact, relationships are built in a completely different way. Love, like a wondrous bird, stays with you as long as it feels good. And to create this "good" is now in my power. Do not cry about yourself, do not regret the past, but LIVE! Do not “pull the blanket over yourself”, demanding attention and love, but love yourself. To give this feeling for free, without expecting "reckoning".
I no longer want to sit in a dark corner and shake with fear while life passes by. Relationships are always "risk." And if something goes wrong - pain. But now I know that this pain will no longer flatten or twist me. I will remain myself. And I will never stop loving people. And I can live on and be happy.
… I can't write anymore. Feelings overwhelm))
I will be very glad to meet you again. Thanks for all!
Lisa"
