If the husband beats. Domestic violence against women
Sadism! We are horrified and sigh when we encounter this phenomenon in practice in the circle of relatives and friends. We are amazed by the personal dramas of famous actresses beaten to death by jealous husbands. But usually we accept this phenomenon as a sad inevitability, it does not cause public resonance.
Sadism! We are horrified and sigh when we encounter this phenomenon in practice in the circle of relatives and friends. We are amazed by the personal dramas of famous actresses beaten to death by jealous husbands. But usually we accept this phenomenon as a sad inevitability, it does not cause public resonance.
According to official data from Russia (interview with the acting head of the Department of Law Enforcement of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia, 2008), violence in one form or another is observed in almost every fourth family; annually about 14 thousand women die at the hands of their husbands or other loved ones. The official statistics of the Ministry of Family, Youth and Sports of Ukraine reports that about 1000 women die from domestic violence in Ukraine. And a third of the patients in the trauma departments are victims of beatings in the family, as a result of the husband beating his wife. And these are only official figures, only about the most terrible cases - with a fatal outcome.
The psychology of this phenomenon has never been understood, despite how many socio-psychological centers for medical and social rehabilitation of victims of domestic violence have been created, how many anonymous groups of mutual support exist, how many books have been written on the topic “how to deal with a tyrant husband”. How many films have been shot … Let us recall, for example, In Bed with the Enemy, where Julia Roberts played the main role.
Cases of domestic violence exist in all social groups, regardless of material security, education and social status. Sadism is "flourishing."
Psychologists and sociologists analyze this problem, build versions and guesses, but still no one can answer these questions:
- what is domestic violence, how to get rid of a tyrant husband, how not to become a victim of domestic violence;
- where do sadists come from, why a husband beats his wife, can love justify a cruel attitude towards a woman, how can one cause pain, physically and mentally, to the closest people, his woman, his children;
- how to escape from a tyrant husband and why it is so difficult to do it, which makes the victim endure disrespect, bullying, beatings, regularly call the police, and then withdraw the application, be treated for serious injuries and still forgive, “regret”;
- why, after parting with one tyrant, the victim immediately "manages" to find another? Meanwhile, at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, very specific and intelligible answers to all these questions are given.
The point is not at all that "good girls love bad guys" and that it is not always that "a woman has nowhere to go and has no one to go to and nothing to raise a child." And it is not at all that "the sadist needs a permanent and pliable victim in order to constantly assert himself at its expense." And he is rowdy not because "he got drunk and does not control his actions."
Sadists and masochists are not born, they become. These are completely specific psychotypes of people, easily recognizable, potential danger and life scenarios of which (and next to which!) Are calculated in advance.
"System-vector psychology" divides people into eight psychotypes, called vectors. Depending on the development and realization of the vector properties, as well as the combination of several vectors in one person, certain life scenarios of a sadistic sense take shape.
Sadistic Scenarios
One of these eight psychotypes is the anal vector. It is in the representatives of this vector that, under certain circumstances, sadistic inclinations and needs develop.
The unshakable life values and unequivocal priorities of such a person are family, wife, children, friendship, decency, quality, professionalism and thoroughness in any business. Family for such a person is sacred. The wife is the only one for life. The anal man is absolutely monogamous. He does not hang out in taverns, does not notice other women. She loves spending time at home, tinkering, managing, communicating with children. Sometimes he is a little lazy on the couch in front of the TV, but he also enjoys going out with his family and friends to the nature, to sit by the fire, to take a steam bath. Such a person is decency itself. Man is a reliable support, a tradition.
That's why it's a pity to leave him, because that's what a good father he is, and his hands are golden, and people respect him. And to part with him is almost unrealistic, because he himself is impossibly affectionate - monogamy is to blame. A woman ("My woman! My woman!") Should be alone for life, and he will never part with her. In the evening he beat, in the morning he apologizes - and everything is absolutely sincere! And if she still leaves, he will hate and curse her all his life - she will hurt him so much. If he is a developed and mentally healthy person, and you are looking for a reliable family rear, then, of course, there is no need to leave.
On the other hand, it is through this economy and monogamy that sometimes unpleasant excesses occur. Judge for yourself. The carrier of this vector is the unequivocal and indisputable master of the house. He is the owner of the house and his "woman". Because of his monogamy and inflexible thinking, for a long time (or never at all) he can not switch to another woman. Moreover, he is a "man of the past", a man with an ideal memory. He asks all the time about the past relationship: “Was it good for you then? And you were better with him than with me? How many of them did you have? " By the way, you shouldn't share it with him. You can even say that in no case should you tell him anything. If you open up, the result will be his constant return to the past: “Did you pour soup for him too? I suppose she made him tastier …”. He is very touchy and tends to remember the hurt all his life.
From psychological violence to physical or sexual, such a person does not immediately slide, especially if he has some intelligence. But verbal sadism is welcome. For this they do not go to jail. You can criticize everyone and everything, say small and large barbs, nasty things, annoy, cause trouble, pour a fly in the ointment into any barrel of honey, or even fly off the reels: throw mud at everything, smear everything with verbal shit … Why are they doing this? "Align the biochemistry of the brain" - trying to compensate for their lifelong dissatisfaction, be it moral or sexual. "I did something nasty - joy in my heart." It's about them.
Such verbal sadism is the first sign for the second half. Of course, a person may simply be temporarily stressed. But we live in a time when "time" practically does not exist. In practice, this is expressed in the fact that "there is nothing more permanent than temporary." You can, of course, hope all your life for a miraculous release from psychological violence, endlessly listening to this intolerable poisonous sarcasm. Unpleasant, but even that is only at best. And the most likely next step is physical abuse.
First, the abuser pulls you by the hand, throws you on the bed or against the wall, next time he hits you on the head or kicks you in the stomach. If it has already come to this, rejoice that you are still alive, grab the children and run from your tyrant husband. In any condition, at any time of the day. Because when he starts punching you on the back, you have almost no chance of survival. Ask professional athletes, in particular fans of hand-to-hand combat and other martial arts: why are spinal strikes prohibited in competitions? Because they are deadly. If your husband (brother, matchmaker, father) hits you on the back or on the back of the head with his fist - he kills you! He himself does not realize it, but his subconscious at this moment wants your death.
It is noteworthy that he can go through these stages by leaps and bounds, or even right off the bat.
Masochistic scenarios
Not always, but often the victim cannot get away from the tyrant husband. She forgives everything, regrets and sometimes does not even have any external rationalization of her actions, but she still remains close to him, suffers, suffers, somewhere even gets pleasure, clearly following the "life scenario for failure."
Such things can happen to a person with a skin vector (this is another of the eight mentioned psychotypes).
The carrier of the skin vector is prone to speed, accuracy, punctuality, frugality to stinginess, submission and limitation of others and oneself. There is a problem with this property: self-restraint and obedience are the norm, but it is not easy to draw the line between the norm and the non-norm, the framework is often blurred. Breaking out of this framework creates hidden, unconscious masochistic tendencies. The psyche of such a person is very flexible, adaptive, adapts to everything, including pain, the skinned man even learns to enjoy it. When a dermal child in childhood is hit on his main sensor - the delicate surface of the skin, he, thanks to the flexibility of his psyche, learns to adapt this pain and get pleasure from the pain. This is how masochism is formed.
By the way, this is what we call “writing a life scenario for failure” (in the skin vector), when a person unconsciously seeks suffering (not sexual). His desire to obey is unconscious until it turns into sexual masochism.
Collusion "sado-maso"
“When I met him, he was not like that!”, “This is all due to the fact that he worked in a taxi and because of this began to drink, alcohol is a professional disease of drivers”, “Well, wherever I go from him gone? I had nowhere to go, and there was no one to help me."
Unfortunately, this is nothing more than rationalization. There are no miracles or accidents. We choose a partner with whom we can best realize our subconscious desires.
A sadistic person is attracted to violence and rough sex. And he is looking for a partner with whom he could realize his inclinations. Of course, he is not aware of this.
A partner who agrees to such a marriage, as a rule, has a skin vector either in a state of manifested sexual masochism, or even in the process of “writing a script for failure” … Then he will “write” it already in marriage, because there is a tendency and data.
Of course, not all BDSM scripts are so primitive. Much depends, as mentioned above, on the presence (absence) of mixing of other vectors. For example, a sadist who has some of the so-called "upper" intellectual vectors is not necessarily realized in sadism. Perhaps, paired with a manifest masochist, they may well confine themselves to sexual games "sado-maso" (to mutual pleasure, without one-sided violence). Such quite "complementary" relationships are even romanticized in some feature films, hinting that even such unfortunate people can somehow adapt and build an acceptable relationship in a couple.
This is undoubtedly reality, but still not the norm. Again, in the presence of imbalances not only in the "lower" vectors (in this case, in the anal or skin), but also in the "upper" vectors, new complexes and new problems are born. Let's say the visual vector adds "sado-maso" to the set of hysteria, emotional excitement and the need for public scenes. Not as bloody as real beatings, but no less disgusting. At least from the point of view of others. These are all separate big topics to consider.
A realized person with an anal vector will never systematically beat his wife. In pathological cases, his “master's” approach, coupled with resentment, can result in very terrible things. The inability to switch to another woman creates a situation when he hates his wife, then beats and beats, but cannot leave, since he is sexually dependent on her. This is repeated more and more often, and the day comes when a woman types in a search engine "SOS: help - my husband beats!" If she herself decides to leave him, it can end dramatically: "So don't get anyone else!" Looks out at the entrance, if not immediately, then after some time (resentment and frustration are constantly accumulating).
Domestic violence What to do?
Almost according to Chernyshevsky.
Most are not aware of these “vicious circles”. Parting with one partner, they immediately find another - the same. And everything is repeated anew. How to recognize your life scenario and learn how to manage it? And maybe even more important: how not to set the wrong scenario for your children? Not only do you suffer, but your children also learn from your examples, it is you who serve as an example for them to follow. Children learn to adapt the world around them according to the behavior of their parents, often it is the parents who instill in them their complexes, their underdevelopment.
Your first step for the better is to understand yourself, your needs, desires, and abilities. Further - to understand which partner suits you, the owner of which vectors (and vector properties) he should be, how to recognize him among others, how to distinguish a “mentally healthy person from a patient” or from a “potentially sick person”. This is the only real prevention of domestic violence.
Theoretically, almost one in ten is suitable for us, but how to build a relationship? Even if the most ideal couple is selected, you need to work on the relationship.
How to get out of the vicious circle of beatings and humiliation forever, psychological trainings by Yuri Burlan will tell you.
