I hate my child … What to do?
Parents do their best to give the child everything, to educate him as a normal person. And the result is not just no. The result is terrible: from a beautiful pink-cheeked, big-eyed baby, a monster grows, ready to devour its own parents …
If you type a similar request in a search engine, then a huge number of sites drop out, from which you can literally hear the groan of parental souls, exhausted and asking for help.
For example: “I hate my son, I not only hate him, but I hate him with all my heart. He is 14 years old, he studies poorly from the first grade; constantly misbehaving, snarls with teachers, disrupts lessons, sends everyone to three letters (teachers). He steals, not only at home, but at school, and said that he would not study … We are constantly asked to stay at home, because it is impossible to do homework. And it started back in kindergarten, at first he misbehaved, but at school it got much worse …"
Or like this: “I raised my daughter. She left, got married, hates me. I tried to give all the best, in the end - "nobody asked you." The son grew up, went into drugs. The same song - "Nobody asked you." He hates me as I hate him now."
These letters cannot be read without tears. We all want to be proud of our children. If not to be proud, then at least not to be ashamed, to feel satisfaction - to know that normal people have grown out of them.
Parents do their best to give the child everything, to educate him as a normal person. And the result is not just not there. The result is terrible: from a beautiful pink-cheeked big-eyed baby, a monster grows, ready to devour its own parents.
What do they feel when they do not see the result of the work invested in the child, but on the contrary, they understand that the efforts associated with growing and upbringing have gone nowhere, like water in dry sand.
“What did I do wrong?”, “What did this child lack?”, “Why is this punishment to me?”, “Why do all people have children like children, but I have such misfortune?” - questions that torment the parental heart.
Accept the child as he is, without trying to correct him to his ideal …
The advice of psychologists sounds like this. They argue that all the problems are that parents cannot accept the dissimilarity of their own child, because they themselves experienced a similar experience in childhood, they themselves were not accepted as they are. Psychologists recommend that parents recall their childhood, those situations when they were not accepted and their own parents tried to remake them, and, finally, internally allow themselves not to correspond to anyone's ideals and expectations. This will allow you to accept the child as he is. And this acceptance in a mystical way should solve all problems.
Will it decide? Let's say I accept that my child steals, is rude, lies, plays on the computer for days on end, or disappears at night no one knows where. I accept that I am responsible for this. What's next?! Who will explain what to do ?!
Unfortunately, such advice after the child turns 6 no longer works.
It's useless to take. You have to understand
It is impossible to accept what is not clear. How can you, for example, accept that your child steals from classmates? Is he missing? The house is almost a full bowl!
Don't take. You have to understand what lies at the heart of his unacceptable behavior. What drives him and what drives him. Only the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan can correctly answer this question. According to the SVP, each person is born with an already given set of properties and desires (they are called vectors) that require their development and implementation. The vectors of the parents are not always the same as the vectors of the children. And what the mother thinks is normal, or even good and pleasant, may not be so for the child.
Parents of a child want to grow an improved copy of themselves. But it often happens that a person is born in a family with completely different properties. Parents with the best intentions try to give their children all the best, to make them happy. But they proceed from their understanding of good and bad, right and wrong, happiness and unhappiness. But it is so arranged that the psyche of one person (read "desires and possibilities") may differ from the psyche of another, just as the properties of a fish differ from those of a bird.
If a fish is deprived of water and taught to fly, what will it do? That's right, he will begin to resist and look for any opportunity to slip into the water. What will a bird feel if it cannot teach a fish to fly? And a fish that does not want to fly, but is not allowed to swim? True, they will feel powerlessness and hatred for each other. It is these feelings that arise in parents when they cannot understand the reasons for the behavior of their children.
Why are you like that ?
How it works is best explained with examples. At the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, we learn that every child is born with a certain task in society, and from birth he is provided with desires and properties for solving this problem.
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For example, a child with a skin vector is born with the task of obtaining a material resource. He is nimble, agile, quick-witted. A mom with an anal vector will perceive his liveliness as naughty. She will try to sit him down, calm him down, of course, to no avail. If you shout at such a child, let alone beat him, then the development of his vector properties stops. He, instead of becoming an inventor, engineer, lawyer, businessman, becomes a thief, since theft is the very first archetypal way of obtaining material resources. That is, no matter how we want to change it, the child will still realize the properties of his vector: in an acceptable way, useful for him and for society, or unacceptable.
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If the child has an anal vector, and the mother has a skin vector, then the situation may not be easier. His task in society is to collect and preserve information for transmission to the next generation, to preserve the foundations and traditions. For a skin mother, he is too slow, boring, stubborn, touchy, dependent, too "brake"! And all the time he annoys her too much!
And for him, his beloved mother becomes a source of constant stress! He wants to please her with the last bit of strength, but he cannot. Accumulates resentment. Becomes stubborn. Begins to take revenge … But my mother wanted the best!
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A child with a sound vector seems strange from an early age. He is not interested in how all "normal" children play with a ball or even watch their favorite cartoons. Sometimes he generally "hangs" in time and space and, it seems, does not even hear the words addressed to him. And how can you not shout at him?
The fact is that his innate task is to understand the non-material world. If developed correctly, he could become Mozart or Einstein, Kant or Tsiolkovsky. But screaming for a sound engineer is like a bulldozer for a flower bed: it destroys the neural connections in the brain that are responsible for development. But the unconscious desire remains, and the possibilities are destroyed. By whom? Parents who want the best for their child. The result is hatred and drug use.
They are not like that, they are different …
A child with a urethral vector cannot be commanded. He cannot be praised, but only admired and made responsible …
A child with a visual vector cannot buy hamsters, or read fairy tales about Kolobok and Little Red Riding Hood. He needs to be taught to read and express his emotions through empathy for such literary characters as "Girl with matches" by G. H. Andersen and Remy from G. Malo's novel "Without a family" …
A child with an oral vector should be listened to and not be hit on the lips …
And a child with a muscle vector cannot be sent to sports clubs and must be taught to work from childhood …
To understand not only what he is, but also why he is; what he needs for full-fledged development, and what is in no way impossible; how to communicate and handle him; how to encourage and how to punish; how not to shout, not be offended and not irritated at your own child; and most importantly: how to raise him to be a happy and fulfilled person. You can find answers to all these questions at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
Here are some of the more than 10,000 testimonials from people trained:
“We have lived for so many years in tension, in despair and hopelessness: the son is rolling into the abyss, and we can do nothing to help. And now we have the strength not to lose heart, not to sit in a stupor (my husband's according to A.), not to rush around the rooms (according to K.), it is easier to get out of stress, do things, we began to visit again and plans for the future building … Yesterday I went to a psychologist myself. In his state, it is simply necessary - to linger on the edge, find a fulcrum, feel his strength. And only then slowly move away from the edge and return to this beautiful, multifaceted and endless spark of light in the dark named LIFE … Natalia
Samara Read the full text of the result “It could not even have entered my head, HOW fragile psyche in our children. We are different. We are smaller and stronger. Our children are special. This is a special generation. And too much depends on their development and state. No matter how late it turns out. After all, there is always a seditious thought in my head: I know how to raise children correctly, I somehow grew up and did not kill anyone. And he himself was not killed. This is mistake! You can't measure everyone by yourself … I really hope that the time will come and my son will write here about his own result … Tatiana, designer
Vladivostok Read the full text of the result “My oldest daughter turns out to be with sound. All the time she tries to hide in her room, get away from me, not talk to her, nothing, everything annoys her. But it turns out that it is enough just to talk to her quietly, smoothly, calmly and she begins to listen to you and does not run anywhere and gladly makes contact and can talk heart to heart with me for a long time. All you need is to turn down the volume of your "loudspeaker". Thank you, Yuri! I really thought that I would never be able to communicate with my daughter. I thought that everything was not all right with her, but it turned out that it was not her! Naturally, the irritation at her, at her behavior …”Irina, chief accountant
in Usolye Read the full text of the result
The most important thing is to remember that it is never too late to start learning to understand yourself and your children. The result will be anyway. But sooner rather than later.
You can register for free introductory online lectures here
