Ignoring, or When silence is louder than a scream
In families where children are deprived of the attention of their parents, where they experience stress, suffer from fear and loneliness, the development of the psyche stops. Growing up suffering, cruel or incapable of adapting to life, lonely, rejected adults. And vice versa, when a child receives enough parental warmth, when he feels that he is loved and understood, accepted and supported, his psyche will develop steadily and fully …
My parents didn't beat me. Mom was so busy that it was only late at night or on weekends that she could scream hysterically. Father was at home all evenings. Cooked dinner. When I grew up, I helped with the lessons. We had a huge library, and he knew so much and talked so clearly. True, everything had to be asked for. He preferred solitude, did not like it when I made a noise or, after playing, burst into his office. He was a talented engineer and inventor and an excellent teacher. I knew how to achieve the result.
And with me his method of education was simple. I have not heard threats or shouts from him. He just fell silent. Instead of swearing - an icy glass look and silence. All the questions crashed against the blank wall that my father was building, I ran into it, tried to cope with it. With a sharp movement, he threw me away, and when I left the office with a beaten dog, he slammed the door just as abruptly.
The worst thing is, I felt that he actually forgets about me right there. He goes into his tasks, his projects, and he doesn't care about my tears and misunderstanding "what's wrong?"
I tried to beg forgiveness with tears, keeping watch when he left the office. She slipped notes under his door. The father was unshakable: "You yourself figure out what is to blame." It was like I was hitting the wall. Huge and threatening.
I could not complain to my mother. I tried at first, but invariably received: “So, I am to blame for something. Look. And I was looking. At first I didn't understand at all. Curling up in a ball and covering my head with a blanket, I just cried. It was unbearable for me to be alone, in a quarrel, and I was ready to apologize for anything, just to re-establish contact.
Over time, I learned to stay out of my father's eyes. Sitting at the table, she looked at the plate, squeezed herself, trying to disappear when he passed by. As I got older, at the age of eight or nine, I began to understand that my father stopped talking to me when he was disappointed, when I forgot his rules. And this happened quite often. I was a big intruder. Leave without telling anyone, fight, don't clean the room, take something in his office without asking and don't put it back.
When I was a teenager, my parents divorced. By this time, I no longer cared so much about running to my father and apologizing right away. I'm a little used to weeks or even months of being ignored. But since childhood I used to feel guilty …
As it turned out, for many years I did not notice that I had adopted this method of communication already in my family. I didn't hit my son, but when I was angry or unhappy, it was like boiling lava rose inside me. Bubbles of hurtful words and reproaches turned into a whirlpool of desire to shake this little "monster". Lava approached so close that she was ready to rip off the lid, which I was holding back with the last of my strength. I tried to keep my face flat and blank. A minute of silence was maintained, which made it possible for the liquid nitrogen of hatred to turn the boiling water into another block of ice. And then I barely audibly said: "That's it, I don't talk to you anymore!"
I had to face my hatred when my six-year-old son said, "Go away, I never want to see you again."
At that moment, I looked at myself through his eyes, felt a burn from my own ferocious gaze, pain from the rupture of something warm, homely, confidential, a desire to move away and run away. I remembered myself - small, defenseless and alone in an emotional wasteland.
The power of the emotional wasteland
The child does not have to be hit to deprive them of their sense of security and protection. It is enough not to notice it. Punishing a child with force or ignoring him, we deprive him of intimacy and warmth, destroy his sense of support in life, support from the closest people.
Silence, emotionlessness, coldness make you feel worthless, not worthy of attention, humiliated. This is violence without physical violence. This is acting out on the child of his own states: frustrations, disappointments, claims. This is not education.
Education leads to the child's future ability to adapt to life in society. This means that a person will determine his abilities and capabilities, will be independent, delicate and sensitive to other people. The silent violence of parents has a strong effect on the child, generating fears, addictions, making him experience stress, which means that in the future his ability to adapt, live happily and interact with people will be impaired.
Are all parents “silent”?
Among the eight vectors, one can single out those that tend to use ignorance in their behavior.
Indifference: parent with sound vector.
Due to his sound egocentrism, fixation on himself, his thoughts, he may not feel the experiences and desires of the child. This happens when the parent's sound vector is in bad shape. In this case, the child's thoughts and feelings are of no value to him. He does not show any interest in the child, and the demand for attention to himself causes a parent at least bewildered.
Insensitivity: parent with visual-cutaneous vector combination.
When a mother with a skin-visual ligament shows emotional stinginess, does not notice the child, does not react to him, refuses to caress him, behaves as if the child simply does not exist, we can say that she herself is in complex emotional shortages. Fears characteristic of an undeveloped visual vector narrow the range of feelings, not allowing to rejoice and give love, characteristic of a person with a developed visual vector.
Demonstrative indifference: a parent with an anal-visual vector.
If such a parent is burdened with deep unconscious resentments and expectations, then he tends to use silence as a punishment, forcing the child to feel guilty. By ignoring, he shows the child that he is bad, expecting requests from the child for forgiveness and repentance.
Outcast children
Ignoring it hurts the child. In adulthood, the experience of loneliness, powerlessness is a strong stress. And what about children! The child loses the basic sense of protection and security, a deep fear is born in him - the fear of not surviving.
Such children grow up without trust in the world.
The world is mom. No mother, no peace. The world is a family, warmth, where you are sure that they wish you well, they will love and care. After all, the world of children is, first of all, a world of joy, play, attention and interest. This is how the child gets to know the world, but in response, the parent world sulks, takes offense, is silent, rejects. “Let the world be the same again,” the kid thinks. It is unbearable to feel abandoned and abandoned, without firm ground under your feet. How can you believe the world that deceived you, betrayed you, left you helpless alone?
A child develops a distrust of the world, of its stability and benevolence. Even when he grows up, the feeling of his own uselessness, insignificance will remain. Inner insecurity will prevent him from building constructive relationships with other people.
"The world does not need me, I will put myself outside the brackets."
In such children, intellectual development slows down.
Rejected children acutely feel their vulnerability, defenselessness, fear of being abandoned by their parents forever. What could be worse than losing parental love? The fear of losing her is so strong that sometimes it causes panic, affect. In a state of passion, any person, especially a child, begins to think poorly. At such a moment, the processes in the body are aimed at surviving - this is the readiness to run, hide, but not think. Fears slow down the thinking process, slowing down the child's intellectual development.
Parents often use silence as a way of manipulation, forcing the child to obey, adjust, and depend on the emotional mood of the parents. The child tries to guess what the parent needs, and will do everything so as not to face the threat of being ignored. But since this is not a child's own motivation, then personality development will be based on external compulsion.
In adulthood, he will involuntarily use one of two strategies: either to be afraid and obey, to humiliate himself, or to attack. And, depending on your set of vectors, become a victim or a rapist.
These children, as adults, do not know how to establish an emotional connection.
Relationships between people are built on the basis of feelings and understanding of each other. Establishing the most important emotional bond in childhood between parent and baby will give the matured child the ability to maintain a long-term relationship.
When an adult does not look, does not answer the child, he moves away, distances himself. He does not want to notice that he is breaking the connection, does not feel that he is breaking the contact, thereby causing pain to another, depriving him of what is vital. Emotional feedback is a response that tells you that you are heard, understood and felt. Not receiving a response from the people closest to him, the child will grow up callous, soulless, incapable of deep feelings, which means that real love, loyalty will not happen in his life, he will not come to the rescue and will not support in difficult times. If a child did not experience close relationships in childhood, it will be difficult for him to build warm, sensual relationships in adulthood.
"Nobody needs me, so I don't need myself either."
The personality of such children is not formed.
The child learns to perceive himself through the attitude towards him, first of all, of the parents. Due to the fact that the child is always balancing, not understanding: love - not love, believe - not believe, guilty - not guilty, his psyche is unstable in the sense of his own existence, his self.
Am I or am I not? If I exist, why don't they see me? Am I invisible, am I a ghost? How to make a whole from torn pieces? It unites - sympathy, affection, love. Separates - hostility, hatred, irritation, indifference. Even as an adult, he continues to think that he is a mistake, that he is superfluous on this earth, that something is wrong with him. Denying himself now, he does not value life. Like this - neither live nor die …
Protect the future of children
In families where children are deprived of the attention of their parents, where they experience stress, suffer from fear and loneliness, the development of the psyche stops. Growing up suffering, cruel or incapable of adapting to life, lonely, rejected adults.
Conversely, when a child receives enough parental warmth, when he feels that he is loved and understood, accepted and supported, his psyche will develop steadily and fully. He becomes confident in himself and his capabilities as a person capable of deeply, fully feeling and doing great things.
