Coping with the grief of loss
Today, in official psychology, there are no theories of grief (loss, loss) that fully and adequately explain how people cope with losses, why they experience grief in different ways, how and after what time they adapt to life without significant deceased people …
Unfortunately (or fortunately), we live in a world where nothing is permanent, everything is temporary, including ourselves. And sooner or later, each person is faced with the death of loved ones: parents, relatives, friends, spouse, sometimes even their own child. For every person, the loss of a loved one is a great grief. Until recently, he was somewhere nearby, saying something, doing something, smiling. And now he's gone. And you have to live with it somehow.
To date, there are no theories of grief (loss, loss) in official psychology that fully and adequately explain how people cope with losses, why they experience grief in different ways, how and after what time they adapt to life without significant deceased people for them.
Why in one person the reaction to the death of a loved one can manifest itself as numbness, "fossilization", in another - crying, anxiety, in a third - a pathological feeling of guilt, and some can steadfastly endure the blows of fate without experiencing pathological manifestations?
In the classification of grief reactions, different researchers distinguish from 3 to 12 stages that a person experiencing loss must consistently go through. The main difficulty of these classifications is that:
- they are different;
- there are no clear boundaries between the stages;
- the state of a person changes, and he can return to a seemingly passed stage;
- the severity of symptoms and experiences differs significantly from person to person.
In this regard, the concept of J. Vorden has recently become widespread, who proposed a variant of describing the reaction of loss not by stages or phases, but through four tasks that must be performed by the burning person during the normal course of the process.
Let's briefly list them. The first task is to acknowledge the fact of loss. The second challenge is to deal with the pain of loss. This means that you need to go through all the difficult feelings that accompany the loss. The third task is to organize the environment where the absence of the deceased is felt. The last, fourth, task is to build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue to live. At each of these stages, there may be deviations. Why exactly these deviations and this particular person, the concept of Vorden does not reveal.
All people are different
The common phrase that all people are different does not explain anything and at the same time explains everything. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan shows WHAT exactly are different. Its provisions not only explain the difference in reactions to the death of a loved one, but also help to survive the pain of loss.
According to system-vector psychology, in every person there are innate unconscious desires, given by his specific role, which are called one of eight vectors (in modern man, on average, there are three to five). The reaction to the pain of loss, to the death of a loved one depends on the innate set of vectors, the degree of their development and implementation.
For people with a muscular vector, death is a natural continuation of life: “we came from the earth, we will go to the earth”. For them, death is not a tragedy, but a return home. Therefore, they prepare to leave for another world calmly and in advance: a place in the cemetery, a coffin, clothes. The main thing is that everything should be like people. And their feelings about the death of loved ones are simple and natural: "God gave, God took." This is not to say that they do not feel a sense of loss. Experiencing. But these feelings are not the end of the world, but part of life.
A person with a urethral vector is directed towards the future. Therefore, experiencing a loss, he can violently express his grief, but still his powerful energy will lead him forward, into new plans, into new projects, into new relationships. These people are courageous to the point of selflessness, therefore they are not afraid of their own death and are ready to give their lives for the sake of others.
The specific role of the carriers of the skin vector is the extraction and preservation of food supplies. Therefore, no matter how blasphemous it may sound, for them material resources are more expensive than human resources. “Tolerate the loss of loved ones firmly” - this is how the reaction of a skin person can be characterized.
The most vulnerable of the carriers of the lower vectors are representatives of the anal vector. They are focused on the past, attach great importance to the first experience, by their properties are very attached to their family. If bad news is received, such a person may even get a heart attack. It is he who often falls into a stupor, numbness, from which it is difficult to get him out.
It is also for the representatives of the anal vector that a pathological feeling of guilt before the deceased is characteristic, experiencing which, they perceive any joy for themselves as something unacceptable and shameful. For example, a woman a year after the death of her husband does not want to go to the south on vacation, explaining this by the fact that "how am I going, because he is lying there, but what am I going to rest?" And arguments that a husband won't get any worse if she rests are not taken into account.
As already mentioned, a modern person is multi-vector, therefore, the properties of the upper ones (responsible for intelligence) are superimposed on the reaction of the lower vectors.
The olfactory and oral vectors are outside of culture, so their influence on a person's perception of loss cannot be called pathological.
For a representative of the sound vector, the body is just a mortal shell of the eternal soul. The soundman feels the finiteness of life better than others. But life as such is not his value. His interest is directed to the root causes, it often seems to him that what he is looking for is hidden just beyond the edge of the material world. In a state of depression, not seeing the meaning in life, he himself thinks about his own death. Therefore, in the experiences of the sound engineer, one can hear not so much regret about leaving, as a philosophical attitude towards life and death. If the sound person is suppressed, this is always a search for your own meaning in life, although it may look like a reaction to the death of a loved one.
And finally, people for whom death is the MOST SCARY THAT CAN HAPPEN are carriers of the visual vector. They are the ones who experience loss the most. It is they who most often experience the symptoms of so-called complicated grief, with which they turn to psychologists and psychotherapists.
Emotional breakdowns, constant mental anguish, sleep and appetite disturbances, helplessness, the inability not only to work, but even to think about something else. Often they can feel the symptoms of diseases that the deceased loved one had. Various fears may appear.
Don't let me die while I'm alive
For people with a visual vector, life is the highest value. It was they who managed to instill the value of life in all of humanity, to introduce cultural restrictions into society. Unlike others, the spectators are not able to take life in any form - they cannot even crush a spider. And the death of a loved one returns them to their root state of fear of death.
The fear of death is a “native” fear in the visual vector. In no other vector does this fear manifest itself so clearly and does not cause serious deviations, up to panic attacks and psychosomatic diseases. To get rid of the burden of fear of death, the spectators unconsciously learned (and we were taught) to take their fear out - to tune in to the experiences of other people, to build emotional connections, to fear not for themselves, but for another, that is, to compassion, empathize, LOVE, thereby filling their by nature, a huge emotional potential. In this case, there is simply no psychic energy left in them to experience fears.
The meaning of life of a developed visual person is in love. A person with a visual vector can build an emotional connection with anyone or anything: with a flower, with a plush hare, with a cat, with a horse. The highest level of emotional connection is with a person. The death of a loved one is a break in the emotional connection, the worst thing that can happen to a spectator. When a significant emotional connection is cut off, the viewer falls into fears, his emotions change direction - from others to himself …
Subconsciously, this is always a meeting with one's own death. That is why such a person finds it most difficult to cope with the pain of loss. Coping with the fear of your own death means again “losing your temper” and bringing your fear out through compassion and empathy for ANOTHER. And then the soul-devastating longing for the deceased loved one can turn into quiet sadness and light sadness.
At the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, all fears and problems associated with emotional loss or death are worked out, restoring a person's ability to live and feel joy.
“It was very difficult for me to survive the grief - the loss of a loved one. Fear of death, phobias, panic attacks made life impossible. I turned to specialists - to no avail. At the very first lesson at the training on the visual vector, I immediately felt relief and understanding of what was happening to me. Love and gratitude is what I felt instead of the horror that was before. The training gave me a new outlook. This is a completely different quality of life, a new quality of relationships, new sensations and feelings - POSITIVE! … Svetlana K., teacher Read the full text of the result
The “work of grief” is completed when the bereaved one is again able to lead a normal life, take an interest in life and people, master new roles, create a new environment, bond and love. After all, life goes on …
