The two-faced Janus of a sick soul. Depression as an escape from meaninglessness
He again runs from the painful emptiness inside, from the lack of meaning and understanding of the purpose of the movement itself. He tries to create the illusion of happiness, every evening pulling on the mask of a successful showman, a brilliant artist, a cheerful clown … How long will the next escape from yourself, from understanding your essence, from realizing your true destiny? And what will it cost this time? Forces? Work? Families? Life?
- Doctor, I have lost the meaning of life … I am sad and scared … What will you advise me?
- Go to the circus! A brilliant clown gives performance there.
He will certainly cheer you up, bring a smile, return the joy of life …
- Thanks for the advice, doctor … But … That funny clown is me …
Anecdote from the Internet
Sun-drenched room. Chairs in a circle. People. Men and women. Aged and very young. Faded, dull looks. One looks into nowhere, the other has tears on his cheeks, the third laughs inappropriately …
… No, this is not the Society of Alcoholics Anonymous or psychiatry, but a clinic of one of the largest cities in Europe dealing with the problems of psychosomatics. And there are people sitting here, whose mental pain hides behind the symptoms of the body, confusing doctors and driving the patients themselves to despair.
Most of them are not here for the first time. Often, after short-term relief, problems pile up with renewed vigor. And people, hoping for help, come back here again and again.
Each session is a revelation of one of the group members. The goal is to voice your most painful problem. Try to remember when and why it arose. Tell how it affects life and health and how a person learned to live with it.
The center of attention today is a tall middle-aged man. Rumpled shorts only up to the knee cover long legs, which are somehow absurdly bent in a small chair. Socks of different colors, worn-out shoes, a T-shirt soaked with excitement of an incomprehensible washed-out color. Hair tousled, crumpled on one side with a pillow. Look down at the large palms and nervously quivering fingers, which are in constant chaotic movement.
The topic is written on the board: “The problem with the perception of your own emotions. Difficulties in communicating with people. After long and painful individual sessions with a psychotherapist, it was finally possible to formulate it. And now you need to take it out, share it with the same suffering, be ready to answer their questions, listen to comments and advice.
Silence. Everyone is waiting. The man is silent, playing with his fingers.
The psychotherapist wants to help by recalling the points on which she and the patient prepared for this session. Without taking his eyes off his nervously trembling hands, the man tries to say something, but he fails to formulate at least a minimal articulate sentence. He starts a thought, loses it, starts all over again, squeezes out a few words with difficulty, cannot finish, jumps to another, gets lost again and falls silent.
His unfortunate colleagues remain silent patiently and with understanding.
From time to time, the man looks up helplessly, makes a few more attempts, and finally calms down. It's like he's no longer in the room. A large body continues to sit on an uncomfortable chair, breathe and fiddle with fingers, and the soul crawled into a dark crevice and shrank there, waiting for the end of the session.
Realizing that it is pointless to continue tormenting a sick person, the therapist lets the group go ahead of time. The man immediately runs away into the street to smoke, the rest of the patients sit for a while, listening to the pain hanging in the silence. Each of them is familiar with her. Everyone has different problems, but the pain is the same - the soul hurts.
“Nice guy,” an elderly man interrupts the silence with a thoughtful look.
- Yes … But so closed … Does anyone know what he does? - the worried woman with the look of a frightened gazelle asks cautiously.
- Felix is a talented juggler, a brilliant entertainer, he has a sharp tongue, perfect pitch and a wonderful voice … - the girl-psychotherapist says sadly, leaving the room. - "Show Dashing Wheel", you can find on the Internet …
The patients exchange puzzled glances.
The next hour the group has free time. Traditionally, everyone gathers in the common room to have coffee and chat. Felix is gone. Someone takes out a smartphone and finds his show on the Internet. The others move closer curiously.
What they see on the screen borders on mysticism.
Tall, fit handsome man with sparkling eyes. Tuxedo and bow tie. Hairstyle - hair to hair. Bright sparks of sharp, elegant jokes are woven into a subtle pattern of some philosophical meanings. The admired audience melts in the rays of boundless charm, laughs, actively joins in the action.
Then a unicycle appears on the stage. The entertainer turns into a circus performer. Dexterously balancing on one wheel, he begins to juggle with clubs, never ceasing to joke and cheerfully comment on his tricks. Impeccable mastery of body and word. The audience is delighted. Loud applause. Curtain.
… The room is quiet.
- It can't be … - the big-eyed "gazelle" finally exhales. - It's a different person! Dearie! Talent! How it must be painful in his soul that he has turned into a gloomy, unkempt silent! - she can no longer hold back her tears.
- Look! - says the owner of the smartphone. - He has his own page on the Internet. I read: "… a brilliant artist, juggler, author and performer of songs … participant of numerous variety and entertainment shows in Germany, Switzerland, France … winner of international competitions … an exclusive guest of corporate events of the largest companies …" And also: "Faithfully serving the God of Good Mood, I write to order texts! A panegyric for the anniversary of the company or a hymn to the president, a report on the history of the company or a modern libretto for your favorite opera - brilliant and sharp as a razor's edge! You will be delighted!"
- How is this possible? He just couldn't connect two words!.. - voicing the general impression, someone from the group asks.
No one in the room has the answer to this question. As there is no psychologists, psychotherapists, experienced specialists of this clinic, and any other.
The two-faced Janus of the sick soul
An exhaustive answer and a deep understanding of what is happening in the soul of not only the person described above, but also any other person, is given by Yuri Burlan's "System-vector psychology".
People are born with a given set of mental properties (vectors) that determine character and destiny.
Ideally, these qualities should have time to develop before the end of puberty. Happiness and pleasure from life in adulthood directly depend on the realization of these properties in society.
Felix is a polymorph, that is, the owner of three vectors at once: skin, visual and sound.
He grew up in a loving family of circus performers. Parents saw his talents and were happy to support their son. Since childhood, he was involved in stage performances, accustomed to the attention of the public.
Having started playing sports at a young age and continuing his studies at the circus school, he was able to optimally develop many natural qualities and successfully implement them in his chosen profession.
For example, a skin vector is a naturally-given ability to control one's body as much as possible: agility, reaction speed, coordination of movements. And also the ability to perform several actions at the same time.
It is a pleasure to watch Felix perform. Perfected movements, full control over the body, lightning-fast switchability allow him to maintain balance on the unicycle, juggle and maintain a lively dialogue with the audience.
The stage, constant contact with the audience, a beautiful, bright setting and the same vivid emotions are an excellent opportunity for realizing the properties of the visual vector.
As a developed spectator, Felix is a creative and sensitive person. He is excited by the riot of colors and the light of spotlights. The stage image gives him the opportunity to live and give people all kinds of emotions, to be in the center of attention, to feel the response of the audience.
But the sound vector turns Felix's show into a double-bottom box. In addition to ideal tricks and funny jokes, there is something in his presentation that leaves the viewer with the impression of some kind of subtext, makes him think. He jokes about life, love, relationships, truth and lies, work and children. Sharply, like a surgeon with a scalpel, operating on an open heart, he exposes abscesses of hypocrisy and hypocrisy. A well-aimed word hits the target, continuing to smile disarmingly.
How did it happen that such a bright, talented man, realized and sought-after artist, favorite of the public, clever and philosopher lost interest in life, became a patient of such a sad institution? Why did his life from color film turn into a frozen black and white negative?
The reason is that the sound vector is dominant and affects all other natural properties of the owner. Either adding a certain depth and fanatical service to the cause, or knocking out the ground from under our feet, devaluing all desires and aspirations of the material world.
Sound Vector is the Major League. This is a search for meaning in everything. This is a desire to understand why we live, why everything is so arranged, who invented it. And this desire is many times more intense than the desire to eat deliciously, dress nicely, make a career or start a family.
Why play sports and lead a healthy lifestyle when old age and death are inevitable? Why entertain and amuse people if, leaving the hall, they will once again plunge into a sea of pain and tears? Why earn and save money, buy things, build a house, if everything is decay?
And while there are no answers, the sound engineer cannot live normally.
For a while, Felix managed to drown out this inner search with involvement in the show, violent emotions, success and attention, a good fee.
But circumstances turned out so that he lost his job. Free time suddenly appeared in life, emptiness, silence, loneliness - ideal conditions for sound.
And questions about the meaning of everything that exist piled up with renewed vigor, devaluing attempts to find a job or arrange a personal life.
The lack of realization negatively affected all vectors, violated the harmony, revealed the duality of the soul, squeezing even developed properties into their own opposite.
The skin vector without training and earnings began to flicker and fuss, caused hand tremors and an inexplicable desire to steal a pretzel in a bakery.
Sociable spectator Felix turned into a gloomy unsociable, became afraid of people and avoided them. The feelings trapped in a lonely body faded away. Having no way out, they kind of burned out. Felix forgot how to laugh and cry. He is not even able to determine what emotions he is experiencing. They just don't exist. Instead of them - a vacuum tearing apart the soul.
And even the powerful abstract intelligence of the sound vector is slowly flattened under the weight of an overwhelming question. No sense - no thoughts, no words. There is no elemental energy to live.
… So the bright clown gradually turned into a trembling shadow.
The course of psychotherapy at the clinic did not help him. The pain didn't go away. And the denouement of history was postponed indefinitely. Soon after his discharge, Felix was offered a role in the famous Dinner show, touring the cities of Europe.
To get in shape, he resumed training. Bringing the load to the maximum, to physical pain, he tries to drown out the pain of the soul.
He again runs from the painful emptiness inside, from the lack of meaning and understanding of the purpose of the movement itself. He tries to create the illusion of happiness, every evening pulling on the mask of a successful showman, a brilliant artist, a cheerful clown …
How long will the next flight from yourself, from understanding your essence, from realizing your true destiny last? And what will it cost this time? Forces? Work? Families? Life?
