Depression and apathy. In the cage of your body
I tried to study, change jobs, meet girls, hang out at parties … If only for a moment I could taste … success … kiss … life … I am incredibly bored, tired at the start. I don't understand what they all find in this. I'm sick of this celebration of life. Who can tell me why we live? Why am I there? And you? Do you know why you are here?
A voice cut into my mind like a red-hot needle. Yes, shut up all of you, finally! How much can you chat! Human voices are everywhere, merge into a monotonous buzz in my head … unbearable … endless …
I didn’t leave the apartment for a week. There was no strength. As soon as I left the store, I realized that I was not mistaken. There was no strength to endure this empty vanity. There are people around, I look at them, but I see ants scurrying back and forth, humming like a hive … What business can they have? Where are they in a hurry? Where in the world can you rush if everything ends the same in the end? Why wait then? Measure out kilometers of steps and wage an endless battle in your head …
No, I'm not crazy. Although the fear of going crazy is familiar to me firsthand. When you observe people around who manage to laugh and cry, wait, love, want something, finally, the thought of your own madness involuntarily comes. I cannot feel desire. None. There's a gaping void inside. Black abyss.
I tried to study, change jobs, meet girls, hang out at parties … If only for a moment I could taste … success … kiss … life … I am incredibly bored, tired at the start. I don't understand what they all find in this. I'm sick of this celebration of life. Who can tell me why we live? Why am I there? And you? Do you know why you are here?
When I start this kind of conversation, people look at me with bewilderment. Well, of course, this is such happiness - to love, to learn, to raise children, to achieve what you want … Everyone has their own explanations. And why doesn't it resonate in me in any way? Well, absolutely …
Nobody understands me. There is no one to talk to. People are some kind of programmed biomass: they are born, grow, eat, sleep, reproduce. In order to die. By the way, talking about death scares them. Funny, why be afraid of her? After all, hell is here on earth.
I often think about death. If everyone would have left me alone … but no … Mother's lamentations, then endless bills and fines from the house manager and the tax office … Then the boss's claims … but, thank God, it's over with him, today I signed a letter of resignation.
Have you ever worked in an office where 30 people work in one room at a time? Not? Lucky. And I worked. True, not for long. I didn't have enough for a long time. First, getting up at 7 am is hard labor. Then an hour's drive in a crowded subway. Although it could still be survived if you turn on my favorite rock and plunge into a half-nap. Secondly, for 8 hours, bodies flicker in front of my eyes, and the noise, this unbearable hum of voices, fans and phone calls. I don't remember how I got home … I came and fell on the sofa, dreaming of only one thing - to fall into a saving sleep.
Sleep is perhaps the best thing left in life. I can sleep 14 hours or more. However, I still do not get enough sleep. I don't feel cheerful. Some semblance of activity wakes up in me only in the evening, when everyone usually goes to sleep. Darkness, silence and the Internet. I’m looking for something there all the time, not realizing what it should be.
Apathy. So simple … 6 letters … and the unbearable heaviness of being. Understand that you are not like everyone else. That you don't fit into this scurrying, chewing, somewhere eternally hurrying world. I'm told it's depression. And you need to be treated. Naive. Can pills return desires to a person? They just never experienced it. This black longing and hopelessness. When you feel dead in life. When you lose the line between illusion and reality.
I thought I was finished. I do not know what sixth sense in one of my sleepless nights I caught on to the words "The unconscious knows the whole truth of life …" A couple of automatic clicks, and I'm on an online training. My ear caught something unusual: I heard the meanings … What I had been trying to understand for so long, faced with the unsolvable equations of life in my head … They suddenly began to form like puzzles into a single harmonious picture.
And I realized what I was looking for. This is an understanding of how everything works. My "I", this whole life, each person … For the first time I felt the hope that there are answers to my questions.
That night I did not sleep, I leafed through page after page of the site on System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, plunging into a new world unknown to me before. This is how I learned about the sound vector, a unique puzzle of the human soul. It was he, given to me from birth, that made me think and search. Meanings. Answers. The main thing. He drove him, not letting him hang in the cozy torpor of sleep, not letting him be satisfied with excuses or being distracted by the hustle and bustle of life. After all, his role is to comprehend the human "I", the unconscious, to comprehend the plan.
I realized that I was not alone. That the same seekers like me, about 5% of people who are the owners of the sound vector. The sound vector is one of 8 vectors, the only one of all that has intangible desires. His abstract intellect is able to comprehend abstract meanings - something that cannot be seen with eyes and touched with hands. As the meaning of life.
This is the dominant vector: until his desires are filled, a person cannot feel the joy of ordinary life, all his other desires are suppressed. This does not mean that they do not exist. This means that comprehending the meanings is a priority. The top of the pyramid of desires. While others are running somewhere, the sound engineer is silent and thinks - this is normal. The main thing is not to lose touch with the outside world, not to close in your shell.
The soundman is an introvert, immersed in his thoughts. His inner world is much more real to him than the outer reality. The more the sound engineer plunges into depression, the more illusory the world around him seems to him. There is a loss of contact with people, often they begin to cause burning hostility and a desire to avoid any interaction. This whole sequence of regular reactions originates from one unsatisfied desire - the need to cognize one's “I”, to reveal the meaning of life.
Already at Yuri Burlan's training, listening to the meanings, absorbing them with a hungry mind, gradually I realized, felt on myself that my desires had not disappeared anywhere. That apathy is only a consequence of the failure of my main search. But as soon as I begin to comprehend what my tired heart demanded so insistently, I felt a rise, as if a breath of fresh air had filled my chest. I want to live. Because I want to know why I'm here. And now I am sure that I will find out. Vector systems psychology gave me hope.
Thoughts about the futility of life were replaced by plans for the future. The relief from depression came unexpectedly. I just forgot about her … As, indeed, many other people who suffered before this fateful meeting from the unbearable emptiness of life.
Soon free online training Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology is the most accurate knowledge about the human "I", about the unconscious. An island of hope for those who are looking. Register and join. Already now, Yuri Burlan's lectures attract more than 4 thousand people from more than 80 countries at a time. You are not alone. And there is a way out.
