The wind of change. How can parents keep in touch with their teenager?
What thoughts and feelings overwhelm you when a child grows not only out of clothes, but also out of your instructions? Have you noticed that you are different with him? The words spoken in it did not respond as you expected. The conclusions from life lessons are different. Why? Why did he remember what you forgot? He was wounded by the fact that you did not notice …
Childhood is over. At one moment. The world has become real. The real world flooded me with an endless raging ocean. A storm inside and a storm outside.
“I shout something insulting and caustic to them all. Now I am alone against the whole world, for myself."
Until you ruined this whole world
It is so arranged that in childhood the child is protected and protected by the family. Creates the feeling that everything will be fine - "you are safe". The arrival of adolescence begins with the loss of this feeling.
“I hate this life of theirs, insipid, boring, they are like the walking dead. Like insensitive fish. Home, work, home. Unloved work … their life is slipping through their fingers, but for what?.. They spend this valuable gift - life, earning money to spend it on something unimportant, unnecessary …"
“So he told them: I’m not going to live like you! I hate the way you live!"
“All adults lie. As if having received his sight, he saw what people are doing to each other and what they have done to this world. Hypocrites. How to live in such a world?"
“I walk like the Master of the world. My legs are bouncing back. So much so that they give acceleration to the rotation of the Earth. I have strength, drive. Music excites, pulsates in the body. My world sounds and vibrates, my world is painted with bright colors. I'm cocky. They look back at me. I have enough strength to fight and build the life I want."
In a storm only hands are stronger …
The wind of change flies into the life of parents. Will it be a hurricane, sweeping away and distorting everything in its path? Scandals, words flying from lips in anger. The intensity of emotions will subside, but the spoken meanings will remain. Relationships can be broken forever.
There is no shelter from this wind. Yesterday, such an understandable and dear child becomes different. Will you be flexible enough, like a tree that bends branches under the onslaught of the wind, but does not break? Pass the caustic words of criticism by, just sigh understandingly and smile?
“I so want my mother to hug me, to comfort me. But she was offended. Why can't she be the first to take a step forward? She's older. Mom, be generous, be above these grievances!"
The parents were not ready. After all, someone will be comprehended by a real flurry, knocking down the unbridled, unthinkable behavior of a teenager. And someone will be given an elastic stream of air that will only invigorate.
You can put your face to this wind and feel the touch of change. Let him into the house by opening the windows when you put away toys that the child will no longer play because he has grown up. Accept these changes in yourself: now you are not an educator, guardian, caring parent. Now it's time to become an ally, a friend, an adult as well as an adult.
What thoughts and feelings overwhelm you when a child grows not only out of clothes, but also out of your instructions? Have you noticed that you are different with him? The words spoken in it did not respond as you expected. The conclusions from life lessons are different. Why?
Why did he remember what you forgot? He was wounded by the fact that you did not notice …
The training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan gives a clear and understandable answer: because you are different with your child in properties. The differences can be as significant as between a fish and a bird. So different in their aspirations and fulfillment of their plans. Now you have a chance to find out who is near you.
Now even more than before, my child needs me
Under the onslaught of a hurricane, he needs your support. Every teenager wants to understand his pain and talk to him as a friend. But vectors have features of mutual understanding. A child with a sound vector needs you to understand it silently, without words. It is important for a visual child to look your eyes and see your sympathetic, loving look.
Pat the skin teenager, he needs your hugs as before. If you can, give your teen a massage. This is also interaction. He is tired. Your touch will bring him back to his childhood, when you were the guarantor of his safety. With relaxation comes trust.
A teenager with an anal vector, as before, is waiting for praise, gratitude, respect. Find a way to say it. Remember something together, a good memory of the past is important for him.
Let him say: "Mom, you are stupid." These words are like dry autumn leaves thrown in the face by the wind. They are empty. Brush it off. A teenager, like the wind, tries his strength, plays with words - leaves. Behind this bravado is confusion. He is uncomfortable going out into this adult world. A teenager needs someone who will be “on his side”.
The parent's role has ended. We meet again. I know from my own experience: my son is fifteen years old. We managed to get closer. We can discuss absolutely everything. I speak to him the way I once wanted to talk to my mother. I talk a lot about myself. Is surprised. He doesn't know me at all as a person. Only as a parent.
Yesterday's child left the bosom of the peace and protection of the family. His time has come. The youths together organize their own security system. Everyone takes their place in society, finds their own social role.
If a teenager is a girl, then this is a separation from the family and a search for protection and safety from peers. The girls are trying to please. And they enjoy it. First love arises, couples are created. The girl feels tremendous comfort next to the guy. Now he is her protector. If there is no such inner call to "leave the nest", then we will remain under the wing of our parents for the rest of our lives and will be doomed to extinction. This is how evolution mechanics works.
No matter how adolescents behave, there is no need to interfere if there is no threat to life and danger to society. And you don't need to react sharply, otherwise you can lose your relationship. Adult advice will also be rejected. For example, instead of preaching about the dangers of drugs, watch the movie Trainspotting, both parts. Here even your words will be superfluous, the skill of the actors will decide everything.
Release your grip. Observe how he develops, how his formation takes place: "The self-stability of man, the guarantee of his greatness," wrote Pushkin. The wise dad says: “You are a reasonable person. And I believe in you, you know what to do and what not to do. " It is this taking responsibility for their actions that helps the teenager grow up.
Whatever you do or say, the main thing is to keep your emotional connection. Here's an example of a breakup: “Mom, you don't know anything about me at all. You were not there when "it" happened, and I will never tell you my secret. Now we are on different banks. We are strangers. " Imagine, very little time will pass, and you will see that your child is an adult about whom you know nothing. What to talk to him about?
What did you manage, what did you do and who is happy about it?
"We must educate while lying across the shop." Now what we have invested over the years is opening and returning. We reap the fruits of education. He learned from us not only what we said. The child saw our actions, our social position, heard our speech, reproaches, punishments, prohibitions. All these years he watched our joys, sorrows, hopes. Everything that we were.
Time to be honest, first of all with yourself. How many fears do you have, worthy actions, deals with your conscience, reasons for pride?
And my goal is not to blame you for what kind of life you live or what kind of child you raised. My goal is to tell you that there is an opportunity to change what you want to fix - by understanding your child, his difficulties, desires, throwing at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
If this article "about you" and my words hit the mark, because you read it to this point, you are able to see yourself through the eyes of a teenager, your life, your goals.
Do not worry. He will not forget anything. All your shared childhood memories will come back. Only later … when the storm dies down. Don't give up. Your upbringing was not in vain, and the child did not devalue everything you taught him. But your eyes and ears are not lying to you, he rejected the entire past to grow his own present.
There is a real chance to have time to establish a connection with a teenager. It is important to maintain contact with an already new maturing person.
Together with a teenager, you can listen to free lectures on "System-vector psychology". There will be topics for discussion. You will hear his opinion. If you like. There will be time together. Tell him about yourself. Meet again.
I will gladly share with an example from life, how my relationship with my teenage children developed.
“It is a great happiness to keep and strengthen the bond with the growing up daughter. At this age, my connection with my mother was severed. We were strangers. Nothing personal, just everyday matters. Everything she said and did was received with hostility. They got a little warmer when I gave birth to two children. We could talk about grandchildren. But no emotional connection. She rarely even hugged her.
At the training, something magically happened. I understood why she spoke so, acted so and … what offenses there were, I wanted to pity her humanly, to hug her. And ask for forgiveness. For the fact that she accused and did not see her maternal feat. She became a hero in my eyes, who gave so much of what she had …"
Yana S., educational psychologist, Kurgan Read the full text of the result>