I don’t want to live, or How to defeat invisible depression?
Nobody can figure out what I am missing. After all, I have everything that a normal person needs: family, good children, favorite job, money, home. I am respected and loved, I am appreciated. I will never believe that I am here to just breathe, work, buy, eat. Will the coffin lid be closed in the end? And it's all?
I stand and look at him, so handsome. Pointed straight nose, cheekbones, even large forehead. How lucky he was … He is so young, and already so lucky. Here he lies, and he doesn't have to do anything else, he doesn't need to rush anywhere, to talk to anyone. He closed his eyes, fell asleep, and he did not need to wake up anymore. And I'm still here. And I don't want to live.
And you can't explain to those gathered here why everything happened this way. They won't understand anything anyway. They just cry and cry.
Scary dream or luck
And I look at him and envy him … He just got rid of this body.
Here I would like to fall asleep forever and not wake up. No need to get up with an alarm. What for? Don't think. My head hurts from these thoughts. It seems as if there, inside, someone sits and knocks on the skull with a hammer, takes my brain and twists it tightly into sea knots, and then tears it into small pieces, pours gasoline on top and throws a lighter at it.
And when the fire breaks out, the brain boils, you want to shout to the whole world, to the entire galaxy. Or hide, run away. And it no longer helps to escape to the far corner of the garden, as in childhood. They will find … I am surfing the Internet, looking for people like me. Or I listen to music on headphones, and if I feel nauseous, I listen to some rock to drown out these thoughts.
Good under the covers, especially at night. Everyone is asleep, but I cannot and do not want to. At night I dream of enjoying the silence, listening to every rustle. Not to hear various reproaches, requests, any problems. What for? I want to hear myself, my thoughts …
Who are you, there, inside me?
As a child, I had many questions: “Why is the day coming? Why are people born? What happens if I die?"
It seemed that from birth these questions were floating in my blood along with erythrocytes and platelets.
Over the years, some answers to questions appeared, but new ones immediately appeared. I had to search everywhere. First, in the old way - in books. Explanations were a gulp of living water, the brain began to work. But there were no answers, and it became boring.
Then there was a search in religion. Even sacred baptism. How sweet it was, the old hermits from the monastery tried to explain to me the meaning of life.
Hopes were replaced by deep disappointment. Less and less wanted to believe in something or someone. Why is this God inactive when I feel so bad? Or does he want this suffering from me?
Then esotericism spun me around so that everything seemed mysterious and supernatural, and then sharply dull and funny, meaningless. And so it went on for many years.
I don't want to live. Close the lid and do not interfere
The desire to find answers to questions so exhausted me that death seemed the easiest way out. So that the lid of the coffin is tightly closed, so that no one can open and not bother with their advice or questions. It's dark and, most importantly, quiet …
I wanted to climb onto the roof of the house … At night … Open your arms and fly … Swallow this fresh air in flight … Even if you just go down … But everything will end, everything will pass. There will be no such feeling of loneliness among the crowd.
But every time, standing on the edge, just at the moment when I wanted to take this last step into nowhere, somewhere in the very depths of the brain or soul, a whisper was quietly heard: "This is not an option." Something stopped and forced to look further. And I was looking.
The strangest thing is that no one can figure out what I'm missing. After all, I have everything that a normal person needs: family, good children, favorite job, money, home. I am respected and loved, I am appreciated. I will never believe that I am here to just breathe, work, buy, eat. Will the coffin lid be closed in the end? And it's all? And again I am looking for answers to the questions: “What is the meaning of life? What am I here for? Is there a connection between me and all people in the universe? And is there a connection between us and that other world? Am I the only one or are there still people like me?"
Is it possible to find a way out of the situation when all your thoughts are compressed into one black semantic point? Do not want to live.
The role of everyone in the theater of life
Who and why may face an unwillingness to live, explains the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan. According to the law of nature, each person comes into this world with his own set of properties and desires.
Each has its own task, its own specific role in society.
There are not many people with a sound vector - only 5%. This is the only vector that strives to cognize your I, the laws of the Universe, to reveal the meanings. This is his desire, given by nature, dominant. Such a force that it drowns out all the desires of other vectors that a person has. If the sound engineer does not find answers to his questions, then he has no other material desires: well-being, status in society, profession, relationships, family - everything loses its meaning.
Sound people read a lot, write, love music, surf the Internet. Their abstract intelligence is potentially the most powerful. Developed and realized sound engineers are geniuses. They give birth to ideas of a global nature, most often at night, in silence and concentration.
In search of answers to their questions, sound scientists study psychology, philosophy, esotericism, religion, theology and metaphysics. Until recently, all this filled them, but this is not enough for a modern sound engineer. It no longer satisfies, does not give the desire to live.
Not understanding and not coping with his specific role, such a person is tormented, yearned, tormented by the question: Why live? From this, on the physical level, headaches, migraines, insomnia can occur. In this huge world, the sound engineer feels lonely, because none of the owners of other vectors understands him. Often it seems to him that people and life itself are passing by him.
To live or not to live. The soundman's misconceptions
Some sound people try to fill their soul voids with drugs. They give them a false sense of expansion of consciousness. When it seems that now, just a little more, you will go beyond your body and find answers to your questions. But this is a false hope. So the sound engineer only escapes reality.
Sometimes they do not even notice how and when they fall into severe depressive conditions, from which they cannot get out. Plunging into oneself even more, like into a shell, forgetting all material goods, a person with a sound vector is inactive and just thinks - I don't want to live.
Not finding answers to their questions, not understanding why they should live, they come to thoughts of suicide. The obsessive desire to free yourself from your body is nothing more than the desire to free yourself from the suffering of the soul.
But this is a very big mistake.
Hello, Earth, I'm getting in touch
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains that only in a physical body a person with a sound vector is able to fulfill his specific role - comprehending his I and the Universe. In addition, in his torments, the sound engineer is focused only on himself and his life. And this is exactly the opposite path from the realization of my role, which means from the feeling - I want to live. The way out is to begin to realize not only yourself, but also the world outside, to understand others, the connection of your I with this world, with every person on Earth.
This can be done by understanding the nature and purpose of oneself and other people through the properties of their vectors. Deepening this knowledge, you begin to understand more general patterns - life, any of its manifestations begin to acquire meaning. From "stupid" questions and hobbies of others to social phenomena. The most difficult questions get answers. When the sound engineer realizes his place in the world, he begins to perceive this world in a completely different way.
Rescue straw, or how to resurrect yourself
Grasping at these new realizations like a saving straw, the sound engineer discovers how pain gradually recedes, how the emptiness of a suffering soul is filled with warming and rejoicing meanings. The severity of longing and loneliness turns first into an easy urge to get to know your neighbor, to touch his life, and then into a powerful desire to live and create for the good of the whole World.
System-vector psychology makes it possible to know and realize oneself once and for all, to understand what role the sound engineer has in this world, and what to do to live and be happy.
Thanks to this, not only me, but also many others have found themselves and their place in life. Here are just a few reviews of people who have overcome suicidal thoughts after training in system-vector psychology and felt a resurrected desire to live:
And if you are not yet on the other side of the coffin lid, contrary to past experience, you still have a chance to start living anew, in a different way, realizing yourself and the world around you.
Register for Yuri Burlan's training - this is just the first, but confident step not to the abyss, but to a happy, meaningful life.
