Legal marriage in the era of probing
Despite the speed and ease of the divorce procedure in our dynamic times, for many, official marriage is still a horror story, and the stamp in the passport is one of the top hot topics for a couple living together. If two people initially do not agree on the issue of official registration of marriage, then this question can become that drop of water that wears away the stone.
… The next day (after the wedding)
Volodya Zavitushkin
went to the civilian department after work and got divorced.
They were not even surprised there.
- This, - they say, - nothing happens.
So they lit up.
M. Zoshchenko. Wedding incident
In our dynamic times, divorce proceedings are almost as lightning fast as in the times of Zoshchenko, especially if the divorcing spouses did not have time to acquire joint property or children. However, despite the speed and ease of the divorce procedure, for many, official marriage is still a horror story, and the stamp in the passport is one of the top hot topics for a couple living together. If two people initially do not agree on the issue of official registration of marriage, then this question can become that drop of water that wears away the stone.
In some cases, disagreement on this issue can completely break even a strong couple.
Wife "in law"
Oddly enough, but the generally accepted opinion that "all women want to get married" somehow undertook to challenge the well-known TV matchmaker Rosa Syabitova, arguing that the marriage was actually invented by men in order to transfer property by inheritance. They say that while property did not exist, there was no reason to officially formalize his relationship with one particular woman.
A similar point of view, by the way, is shared by many, for whom the material is in the first place in life. Surely you know the representatives of this polygamous "tribe" of owners and consumers who often have affairs on the side and cheat on their wives, but never get divorced, leaving their savings to their legitimate offspring.
This behavior is characteristic of representatives of the skin vector, for whom material well-being, a successful career and position in society are extremely important. Having created comfortable conditions for themselves and having built up a solid material "mass", they rarely get divorced, but their behavior in marriage cannot be called ideal. It is difficult for them to claim the title of an exemplary family man, since their libido needs a change of impressions and they willingly start extramarital affairs, which they sincerely do not consider cheating.
However, a man with a skin vector does not particularly strive to get married - love for diversity and independence, as well as a tendency to a dynamic life, make him not make a choice in favor of one partner.
At one time, the position of skin don Juans was remarkably expressed from Soviet screens by the hero of Leonid Filatov in the film The Crew: “You see, there are men who once marry and live like this until their death, and God grant them happiness. And there are others. There are those who never marry, even though you cut them … I am just one of them … Family is not for me, it is not mine … I never promised anything to anyone. But he did not deceive anyone …"
“Well, I understand earlier, before our era, when these troglodytes lived … He chases after a mammoth, of course, she sits and waits for him by the fire. Because she understands: if there is no husband, there will be no mammoth, there will be no food … This can be understood. There was an iron meaning in this. She had to cling to someone, cling to in order to survive. It's natural.
Now what? Now that she is a candidate of sciences, her salary is such that she is better off than any man. Because he doesn't drink. But no, she must grab onto someone with both hands, into some insignificance. Because this is the husband. This is the husband, this is the family. I do not understand … Well, not nonsense?"
The position of women eager to tie themselves by family ties in the same film is expressed by the heroine of Alexandra Yakovleva: “Listen, how many women did you have? And you didn't understand anything. That all women are the same at heart. That everyone wants to get married, wants children … and that there is always one nearby, for life. Do you understand? This is your modernity, this your independence … Well, why do I need it? I wasn't going to cheat on you …"
Almost every bride who goes down the aisle for love is not going to change. But only a woman with an anal vector can never really change. She remains faithful even when love passes. This combination of vectors usually endows the fair sex with conscientiousness, decency, dedication and boundless devotion and loyalty to the family. It is to these girls that we owe the saying that men love some and marry others. Because they, these “others”, were simply born in order to become ideal wives … And it is they who constitute the core of the unmarried female population, which “cannot be married”. Even if an anal woman also has a visual vector, then, most likely, despite all the polyclimbing inherent in the visual vector, she will not cross the line. Let it even flirtbut in the end the man will still hear: "I can't, I'm married."
This is quite natural, because it is for the anal vector that the desire to "marry" is decisive. In primitive times, the owners of this vector were sedentary inhabitants of caves; with the development of civilization, they turned into the keepers of the hearth, dreaming of creating their own cozy little world, making a nest, getting married, "like everyone else." They need security, stability, a sense of belonging. Typical phrases: "Sit on the priest evenly", "Happiness will come - it will find it on the stove", "Patience and work will grind everything", "Slow down - you will continue", "quietly", "Habit is second nature", "Habit from above it is given to us - a substitute for happiness”… Some frivolous persons, not endowed with an anal vector, slightly contemptuously call them hens, and there is a large grain of truth in this.
Marriage pushes a woman and the visual vector, which brings all possible shades of emotions into her life. It is he who saturates the feeling of love and affection with the emotional intensity that makes you rush to the end of the world, to exile, to Siberia … And it is the visual that fuels the thirst for marriage as a form of unity, merging, uniting loving hearts. Affection, pity, love, kindness, compassion, sacrifice - these are all the merit of the visual vector. And a passionate desire to get married, too, especially shaped into dreams of a white dress and an unrealistically beautiful veil, of a romantic wedding among thousands of lighted candles, of a white Cadillac that will sweep away their happy ones straight into a fairy tale. “I want everything to be beautiful”, “Love must be proved”, “Beauty will save the world”, “Regrets means loves” - these are all echoes of the worldview of the visual vector.
Well, who can and most often is ready for the role of an exemplary husband (and in the future a loving father)? Without any competition, men with the already mentioned anal vector, that is, those who are characterized by constancy (bordering on conservatism), decency, respect for traditions, affection, the desire to see in children not the heirs of property, but the successors of the family, business, family values. It is these men who more often than others offer their chosen ones a hand along with a heart, not limited only to the latter. And if a man has visibility, which gives him emotionality, then such a man will be especially sensitive, sentimental and inclined to turn life with his beloved into a fairy tale in which they will live happily ever after and die on the same day, naturally, with the wedding rings on your hands.
However, all this is only partly true. In our time, even they, the anal-visual supporters of the traditional unit of society, are in no hurry to have legal wives, increasingly preferring cohabitation. And there are objective reasons for this.
Extramarital games
In Soviet times, pre-wedding cohabitation was considered almost a crime. And although such cases were already full then, they were hidden and they were ashamed. Today the opposite is true. If a young couple seeks to “zagzagsya” instead of living together “just like that”, then with a high degree of probability we can say that not only friends-friends, but also parents will twist their fingers at their temples. Alas, we live in the era of probes, which captured all areas of life, including the relationship between a man and a woman.
Now, without such a probe, that is, without a certain period of time lived together without registering a relationship, the overwhelming majority considers an official marriage to be a rash stupidity and a hasty whim. I, of course, do not mean now grandmothers and grandfathers stuck in Soviet moral standards.
At first glance, the background of a trial marriage looks logical: how do you know if life with a person will work out if you don't try? However, the main surprise of unofficial cohabitation is that even those who are quite suitable for each other in everyday life and harmoniously arrange their relationships in such a trial marriage are in no hurry to formalize it with the appropriate legal formalities. And more often than not, the reluctance to stamp passports comes from men.
Well, they can be understood
If a woman moves to a man and lives with him in a civil marriage, he has no reason to offer her a hand and a heart. What for? After all, he has already received everything! He is well fed, treated kindly, well-groomed, surrounded by care and without some kind of "stamp in the passport"!
Again, there is a certain grain of truth in the widespread belief that after the official painting many women relax and no longer take good care of their men. As one man who has experienced several unsuccessful marriages said: “As long as I am a groom, I am a coveted prize. As soon as I am a husband, I am a trophy, which is admired and admired only for the first time, and then put on a shelf in the closet, where I wither and become covered with dust."
Living together without a stamp in the passport helps to keep a friend "in good shape", does not allow her to relax. So sincerely thinks a huge number of men (even some born anal-visual family men), not realizing that a woman who is thirsting for the official status of a wife is accumulating frustration and dissatisfaction with the existing state of affairs, which, no one knows how, can shoot in one terrible moment.
Another reason why the number of people willing to play mating games is becoming less and less is indirectly related to demography. It is believed that if we ignore alcoholics, drug addicts and convicts languishing in prisons, then every woman of childbearing age will no longer find a mate - a worthy party can be found for a maximum of 70% of the female population. In addition, men actually live less and with age the survivors feel more and more keen hunting from single women. Official statistics partly confirm this fact, however, it is more exaggerated and promoted by men who do not want to tie their hands by marriage, than reflects the real state of affairs.
As a result, women who live without painting, having heard enough of these tales about the lack of a man, try not to irritate their half once again by talking about marriage. And then suddenly it will kick up and go to some more complaisant divorcee ?! Where then to look for a peasant in such an unequal situation?
So it turns out that the stamp in the passport is inexorably transforming from the desired magic rectangle into the ridiculous atavism of a dying marriage. And yet, six out of ten people accidentally stopped on the street still speak in his favor.
Women's answers to the question "Why do you need a stamp in your passport?":
- If he loves, let him marry. I'm not some kind of him!
- I'm tired of telling everyone that I am a "friend", "common-law wife", etc. After all, we have been living together for several years. "Legal wife" sounds nicer to a woman's ear than "concubine" or "girlfriend".
- When will we have children? Should they be fatherless with a live folder?
- I love him and want to belong to him completely. I look at the ring and think how nice it is to know that you are not on your own, but "someone's."
- I don’t want to be pointed. What will people think if I'm a loner? Am I worse than others or what?
- In a civil marriage, a wife has no rights, she cannot count on an inheritance, or a pension for the loss of a breadwinner, or a fair division of property if there are other heirs. I have something to lose …
- It may sound silly, but I want a white dress and a beautiful holiday! I want pigeons, a smart car, a banquet hall in flowers … I want to show my wedding photos to my children and grandchildren in my old age.
- Family is the best remedy for loneliness. Take my parents, for example. For forty years they lived in a legal marriage, in love and harmony. And I want so.
Male answers to the question "Why did you get married?":
- She starved me out.
- To comfort the parents.
- I got married because I love her.
- She was offended that I did not want to marry, she freaked out, scandalized, endured the brain, cried, etc.
- I married "a child", that is, she flew in and had to legalize the relationship.
- Well, think about it, got married. If we decide to leave, we will only have to go to the registry office for a piece of paper. It's not difficult for me. But the wife is happy that she is finally legal.
- Because of the apartment. Just don't tell your wife.
- I was serving time then, but without a stamp, they were not allowed on dates. I had to get married.
- I got married because I wanted to, because it’s right. I saw in her the mother of my future children. And I advise everyone. There is no need to procreate fatherlessness.
Where is the truth?
The time has come when we can learn to marry mindfully. Consciously approach the choice of a life partner, understand what you can give him and what you can get from him in return. Now there is an opportunity to feel your partner on a completely different level: not to guess, but simply to see what he needs, what worries him. Literally from the first minutes of communication, understand whether you are suitable for each other, how it will be possible to avoid quarrels and misunderstandings. Know what kind of father he will be, what kind of mother she will be. Understand and control your reactions in relationships. Yuri Burlan's training "System-Vector Psychology" provides a tool to help create strong relationships and keep them for years to come.
