Loneliness. I don't fit in, I don't match, I can't cope and I don't want anything anymore
What happened with me? Why am I not like everyone else? Am I doomed to be alone? Am I able to participate in life on an equal basis with other people? Is there a chance to change the situation and live a full and happy life? And what is the point of my stay here?
All my life, as long as I can remember, I am lonely. No, of course, I don't live on a desert island. It's even worse: there are people around, but I feel in a vacuum, and I don't see a way out of this. Incomprehension, non-acceptance, I have no place among people, I am an outsider.
Frustration and pain have long turned into chronic depression. Always alone. And then, when alone, and when I talk to someone, when I go somewhere in the crowd. From day to day, for many, many years, nothing changes, and with me only my loneliness and no one else. My life is not happening. It happens to other people, and I am an observer on the sidelines of this world. I don't fit in, I don't fit, I can't cope, and I don't want anything anymore.
Constant silent noise in the head, blurring all sounds and pictures of the outside world into subtle black and white outlines. I’m in it all the time, and I can’t concentrate outside, and I don’t want to - why? What didn't I see there? What don't I know there?
I float through life with open eyes, which clearly see only what is inside me, and there it is painful, gray and lonely to the point of pain and screaming. I do not see the details of what is around - the noisy picture of the outside world flows around and envelops, but cannot penetrate into me. And I do not want to approach her, I want to distance myself and observe a little from the side, not getting involved in the world around me. It's too hard for me.
All these relationships, emotional connections and dependencies, vanity and noise, deceptions and illusions, dreams that end in nothing, the frailty of everything and everyone, efforts and as a result collapse or simply old age and death.
I like wealth. But this does not oblige me to do what I do not want. I dream of mutual love, but I no longer believe that this is possible, but I understand other forms of relationships well, and they are not interesting to me. I am not interested in social roles and careers, although I like living in comfort and well-being. I am not attached to material things, including to my body. I love this freedom, but at the same time it makes it meaningless to do anything at all. What for? I do not find in the material the meaning that would truly fill my life. And I don't find this meaning among people either.
Everything outside is not real. All the same, I cannot participate in what surrounds me - this unreal world does not accept me. And I prefer to be at a distance from him. I am an observer, frozen in my gaze above everything and through everything. I see everything at the same time, I do not need the details of this life, I know everything about them and their meaninglessness, to such an extent that I do not need to live them. I am not interested. I know what leads to what in this life.
It's hard to be with people … Why?
I'm alone with people. I am silent about what I feel and think in reality, because at best no one will understand this, and at worst they will be considered crazy. At times I try to be normal, but I'm not very good at it, they still consider me strange, and I am alone again. I don't really believe people. And it's hard for me with them! It's hard to be in a company of people, it's hard when there is a lot of talk around and when I need to talk a lot. I'm getting tired. I can't stand it. I am broken. My whole body hurts and again a dumb noise is buzzing in my head, and from this pressure all the nerves are strained to the limit. It takes time, to close in loneliness, and wait for this exhausting excitement, vibrating intensely in every nerve cell, to calm down. Freeze and wait, concentrating within yourself, by an effort of will, not allowing the pain to intensify. Who can understand this at all?
Loneliness…
I can't cope to LIVE …
I hear. I hear very subtle nuances of sounds around. So thin that even a quiet place can be noisy for me. If it is louder, then it already hurts, exhausting tension, and a dumb noise in the head, and the world again becomes a passing film. All concentration is within, just to contain the pain, withdraw into oneself and not hear the rumbling outside.
I hear. I hear the meanings of the words. So subtle that the slightest lie and negative meaning acts like poison, violates my inner transparency and ability to feel. And then the outside world again becomes a passing film strip, and all my concentration goes inside myself, only to maintain balance, to level out the state distorted by the lies or negativity heard, only to hold back the pain, and also to protect myself and not hear what is outside. I would like to close my ears with my palms tightly. And then the eyes. And fall asleep. Forever and ever. Never wake up in this meaningless world in which I am not able to live like all normal people, and in which there is only loneliness for me. And nobody else … nobody else …
I cannot tell anyone about what I feel and how hard and bad it is for me, because they will consider me abnormal, mentally ill, and I am afraid of this, probably more than anything else. I am so afraid of insanity that I don't tell anyone about this fear of mine, it's my secret. Because of this fear, I try my best to look normal, but I know that all the same everyone can see that this is not so, and every cell of my body knows this and shrinks with fear …
True, I have another fear. I am afraid that in my sleep I will stop breathing. So when I go to bed, I close my eyes and curl up under the covers and listen to my breathing. I like to listen to my breathing, even, gentle, deep. It calms me down and I fall asleep easily. I generally like to sleep. I am always sorry to wake up to this outside world, and it’s hard to get up. So I would have slept. In a dream, I do not feel pain and a silent exhausting noise in my head. There is no loneliness in a dream …
Why am I like this? What's this? Punishment?
What happened with me? Why am I not like everyone else? Am I doomed to be alone? Am I able to participate in life on an equal basis with other people? Is there a chance to change the situation and live a full and happy life? And what is the point of my stay here?
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan argues that such thoughts are peculiar only to people with a special mentality. There are not many of them, only 5%. In fact, the reason for such negative states is that these people are very sensitive in their auditory analyzer. Sensitive to such an extent that loud noises, as well as offensive meanings and lies can even cause pain in the nervous system and lead to severe introverted states, up to selective contact and autism, severe depression and loss of social realization.
This feature of the psyche is not an abnormality, but only a high sound and mental sensitivity, which, unfortunately, is very vulnerable and can be traumatized both in childhood and in adulthood, because sensitivity does not decrease over the years. Such a set of mental properties Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology defines the concept of a sound vector.
The owner of the sound vector by nature can be a musician and poet, writer and scientist, penetrating into the depths of space and the atom, a high-tech specialist, a programmer and a talented doctor. It happens that such a person, by nature so sensitive to sounds and meanings, unconsciously protects himself from sound damage - he moves away from people and the noisy world, finding himself alone and self-isolated. He suffers greatly from this, not understanding what is happening, he feels thrown out of life, not accepted, but in fact he himself does not make contact with people.
Yes, the sound engineer looks a little strange to others, but the biggest mistake is to think that this is not normal. Who said that everyone should be the same and where is the criterion of normality? The key to solving loneliness and isolation is that it is difficult for a person with a sound vector to deal with people, so he moves away from them, and not vice versa. It is hard for him, because he is too sensitive and hears, thinks and speaks a little differently than other people, if anything at all.
How to be in such a situation, how to get out of the protective capsule and not be crushed by the rumbling world. How to realize yourself in society? What is needed for this?
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan suggests trying to change your inner state through a special conscious look at yourself and other people, through understanding the nature of man as a part of the human species - living, developing, mentally multifaceted. This makes it possible to clearly see the owner of the sound psychic YOUR place among other people, and it is! And only after standing in YOUR place, there is a chance to feel the meaning of all your presence here, to get out of the protective shell that fences off from the world.
The new look of System-Vector Psychology makes it possible to truly understand oneself, one's mental, in order to be able to be among people and live happily with them, to fully realize one's potential, despite one's sensitivity, avoiding trauma and at the same time not hiding in a capsule of loneliness and sleep.
Register for free nightly online trainings on SVP here:
