I hate my sister for the pink dress
Sisters. It so happens that two completely different people are born in a family. Some parents, one approach to upbringing, the same conditions, even outwardly similar to each other. And inside - heaven and earth. Can parents be forgiven for childish grievances? How to let go of the past and move on? Is there a chance to mend a relationship with your sister?
I was the unloved child in the family. As far back as I can remember, my sister was taken as an example for me, even though she is younger. She is a sweet, sociable, affectionate girl. I am an absent-minded, withdrawn, selfish kid. I've never been able to be like her. She has always been the most beloved, constantly in the spotlight. Everyone is delighted with her, she is so charming and attractive. Stuffed fool!
Nobody cared before me. I did not perform at any concerts, did not read rhymes while standing on a stool, did not dance in circles under the Christmas tree and did not know by name all the grandmothers at the entrance. She wore jeans and a sweater all year round, had short hair and did not know how to dye.
I hated the phrase “you’re a girl” even before school. I have heard it more often than "good morning". If a girl is a pink dress, bows and a silly smile, then I'm not a girl, thank you. I drowned out the constant reproaches, accusations and lectures with music on my headphones. I just left home and wandered around the city. Nobody ever understood me. I hate them all.
Sisters. It so happens that two completely different people are born in a family. Some parents, one approach to upbringing, the same conditions, even outwardly similar to each other. And inside - heaven and earth. The characters are so different that the girls cannot find a common language, they are at enmity and every year they are more and more distant from each other.
Moreover, negativity, resentment and rejection are brought out of childhood, which becomes the cause of many psychological problems in adulthood.
Can parents be forgiven for childish grievances? How to let go of the past and move on? Is there a chance to mend a relationship with your sister?
Heaven and earth
Sound and visual are two vectors, the manifestations of which make people completely different.
Visual children are very open, they have developed facial expressions, so all emotions are "written on their faces." They enjoy living emotions, so they love communication, feel the mood of adults and do not skimp on affectionate words.
From early childhood, such children love beautiful clothes, jewelry, bright toys, they like to entertain guests and relatives, participate in all events, they are not a burden to be in the spotlight.
Sound children, on the other hand, seek solitude and silence. It is difficult for them to get along with a person. They experience all emotions deep inside, almost not showing anything outside. These are children with a serious, adult look and questions about life, death, God, soul and the like.
They do not like to chat, it is easier for them to write. They avoid noisy holidays, do not like everyone's attention, do not understand the meaning of jewelry and outfits. The main thing for them in clothes is to be comfortable.
And now, when two such different people are born in the same family, it depends only on the parents how they will interact with each other. People with different desires, values, habits and priorities.
Children are understandable and not very
When parents bring up their children intuitively, at random, without knowing the psychological nature of each child, the vector set of the parents themselves becomes decisive.
Those properties of the child's psyche that they themselves have are clear to them. And those that they do not have, they cannot understand. This means that they cannot find a common language with the "incomprehensible" child.
In our case, parents with a visual vector, according to the equality of properties, easily understood the visual sister. It was easy with her because she is just like them. Their desires, values and priorities coincided. They looked at the world in the same way and saw each other in it in the same way.
When receiving a child with a sound vector as a gift, it is very difficult for parents to find an approach to it without additional knowledge. It is impossible for a visual lover of communication and emotional connections to understand how one can soundly strive for solitude in complete silence.
Sound concentration and thoughtfulness are perceived by visual people as detachment and lack of communication. The soundness and laconicism of the sound engineer is regarded as insensitivity and isolation. Etc.
Having before their eyes a "understandable" girl, parents begin to set her up as an example for an "incomprehensible" child. So she rejoices in the new dress, immediately dresses up and runs into the yard to show everyone the new thing. At the same time, the sound girl does not feel any delight with the outfits, preferring old jeans and a comfortable T-shirt. She does not care how she looks, and her parents begin to draw her attention to this, reproach her with her appearance, and demonstrate “how it should be” through her visual sister.
The child is affirmed in the thought that he is wrong, that he does everything wrong, that he is worse than his sister.
The reasons for your grievances
Before the child, the parents set a deliberately unattainable goal - an example of a visual sister with completely different psychological properties. Those that the sound child simply does not have. She could not become different, even if she really wanted and tried with all her might. Therefore, I began to hate myself, my sister, my parents …
Misunderstanding gives rise to resentment. "They love my sister more," "she is good, I am bad," "they did not want me to be born to them," "I am superfluous in this family." Among the complete mutual understanding of the rest of the family members, a child with a different vector feels like an outcast. Nobody supports his thoughts, moreover, does not understand and perceives with caution.
Having an anal vector in his arsenal, the child acutely feels the lack of attention, love, care, since everything should be equally in his feelings. Skewing to either side causes discomfort and internal stress. Phenomenal memory in the anal vector is capable of storing information for many years. This happens with resentment - it is preserved in memories, grows over the years, emerging every time the internal state worsens.
The psychological "lack" is felt quite painfully, causing a burning desire to level the scales - to take revenge. The child begins to go too far, showing his "oddities" with increasing zeal. Sounds like he closes in on himself, avoids common events, in an anal way ignores family traditions. Emphasizes everything that distinguishes her from an exemplary sister, separates herself from the rest of the family.
The more a child is fenced off from his parents, the more difficult it is for him to obtain a sense of security and safety that is extremely important for him. The lack of this feeling worsens the condition, growing uncertainty, anxiety, and self-flagellation.
Long-term consequences
All those nuances of childhood that at first glance seem to us to be such trifles, all those events that we may not even remember for a long time, have an impact on adult life. The states in which we live our childhood, the conditions in which development takes place, form the life scenario of an adult.
Resentment against the mother becomes the root of the worst conditions in the anal vector, inhibits development and prevents the full realization of the properties of this vector. The state of "not given" is projected onto the whole world, on the boss (he is to blame for the fact that I was not appreciated, not promoted, fired …), the husband (he is to blame for the fact that I am unhappy in my marriage …), the government (they are to blame for that I am socially vulnerable …) and so on.
A person lives a chronic dissatisfaction with life in all its manifestations, broadcasts negativity, accusations, reproaches, repels others and constantly experiences suffering. It is almost impossible to experience joy in this state.
Attempts to conform to an unattainable image result in a rejection of oneself, one's nature.
The denial of one's femininity occurs as a protest to the imposition of a female sister with a visual vector. Severe deficiencies in the sound vector can give rise to thoughts about nature's mistake and sex change.
Is there a way out
Our unconscious desires govern our lives until the moment when we are not aware of them. Having understood the nature of our own psyche, we get the opportunity to influence the quality of our life.
Understanding your parents and sister is already half the solution to the problem. Understanding the reasons allows you to forgive and let go of the hurt. Understanding differences in worldview makes it possible to improve relationships with your sister. Self-knowledge creates acceptance of yourself for who you are. No protest. Without internal contradictions.
Psychologically, other parents simply did not know how to love you, did not know how to understand, did not know why you are the way you are, so they could not give what you wanted, what you so desperately needed - understanding, feeling safety and security and the confidence that you are loved and accepted for who you are.
The sister was always clear to them. You are not. And this resulted in many problems. Not understanding what your happiness means to you, they tried to make you happy in their own way, although this is impossible. And they always loved you the same, if not more, but did not know how to show it to you.
Convincing from your own experience, you understand how important it is to understand the psyche. So many people have carried psychological anchors, negative life scenarios and all kinds of complexes out of childhood. Having completed the training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan, these same people share their changes in life on the results page.
There is a way out of the trap of bitter experience. And it is in knowledge, in the awareness of causes and effects, in systemic thinking, which today can become yours.
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