Resentment against my mother: a tumor devouring my life
Why there is resentment against the mother, where does this emotion originate - I need to understand this in order to get out to live. Training System-vector psychology helps to understand how constant grievances against the mother impoverish life, inhibit possible development, do not allow building relationships …
What hard work I had to admit that this pain - resentment against my mother - destroys me, only God knows. And how I would like to say that I love you, mom, dear … But I can't. After all, I expect this from you even more, I have waited all my life. I don't know a life without offense at you. When and why did we begin to lay brick by brick this wall of incomprehension, alienation, cold and irritation separating us?
I have always been, am and will be your child. We are connected by the fact that I live - thanks to you, mom! Therefore, the feeling of resentment and guilt for the fact that I feel it are so intertwined in me and have grown into each other that it is almost impossible to distinguish between them. I am burning with pain, frustration and anger at myself. But even more - on you.
How resentment against my mother prevents me from living
Why there is resentment against the mother, where does this emotion originate - I need to understand this in order to get out to live.
I remember myself as a small child, trying by hook or by crook to climb onto your lap, look into your eyes, clasp your neck with your little hands, but you never allowed. I asked thousands of times: "Mom, do you love me?" In response, you were either silent, or threw an irritated "yes", if only I fell behind. Unfortunately, my memory plays a cruel joke on me, because I don't want to remember it.
I don’t want to remember that once I stopped pronouncing the word “love”, especially in your presence, so as not to upset and not anger you, and over time it turned for me almost into obscene, dirty. It is not customary to love in our house. I never managed to create a family. I have never been able to believe that someone can love me.
I don’t want to remember that you never touched me like I’m a leper, except that you beat me for any mistake. And need I say that every day I made more and more of these missteps. Now I do not allow anyone to touch me, with any intentions.
I don't want to remember how you screamed and punished me, with or without reason, for doing everything wrong, wrong, too slowly. And I want to forget how clumsy I felt, how treacherously my heart began to pound and my hands tremble, how I began to stutter and how it made you even more angry. And for some reason in my life I have remained in the same position: I try, I make excuses, I feel insignificant, and no one appreciates me.
I do not want to remember your furious look from under the brows and this feeling of being sentenced to death. Now I can’t bear it when other people, anyone, look at me. And I myself cannot look in the eyes either.
I don’t want to remember how I started asking “someone” to take me home every time before going to bed, because at some point I stopped feeling that you are really my mother, that a real mother could do this to me.
And I don't want to remember how I began to feel unworthy of this life and how clearly my passion for self-destruction began to be traced in all spheres of my existence, because I do everything not to be, not to interfere with anyone, not to start anything, to disappear.
I was stuck there, I stalled, I never grew up, I remained the same little child with eyes full of hope for your love, mom.
I need you so much, mom. Not your borscht and cutlets that you so diligently stuffed into me, not your orders and cleaning, not your inhuman ideality, infallibility and impeccability, but your warmth, quite a bit. After all, we are not eternal, and someday you will leave, and I am afraid that this memory is the only thing that will remain after you.
The psychology of resentment against the mother
It is obvious that a person goes through the main stages of the formation of resentment in childhood. And I would never have been able to figure out how to get rid of feelings of resentment against my mother if I had not attended Yuri Burlan's training in System-Vector Psychology. I felt that they knew who I was here. This means that I no longer need to pretend and pretend to be something that does not exist. It was as if someone kind took my hand and clearly outlined the causes and effects.
And it became clear that the past had passed, and only I myself was responsible for the present. Learning to forgive - as well as overcoming feelings of resentment and injustice towards you - turned out to be real. Just as the gym changes the body, awareness of your nature changes the soul, psyche.
It turned out that my resentment is natural, and the feeling of resentment against my mother is explained by the fact that I am the owner of the anal vector in certain states of the psyche. But I was ready to put up with any name, just to get rid of at least a small part of this burden from my own shoulders. And that was just the beginning.
Where does resentment come from
Trying to get rid of the resentment against my mother, I had no idea that it turns out that I did not need to think about how to deal with myself. Everything turns out exactly the opposite. When you recognize yourself as different from others, there is a healing acceptance of your own properties and manifestations at the deepest level, although sometimes not without resistance. I had to work hard on myself in order to recognize myself as the owner of the anal vector. Yes, life has a sense of humor.
The owner of the anal vector can identify himself by a number of properties:
The memory is better than most people. Sometimes it is even called phenomenal. Such memory is given to this vector for the best ability to accumulate knowledge in order to further transfer it to future generations, that is, to teach, develop. The owners of the anal vector make the best teachers, masters. They have no equal in transferring experience.
But if this property is applied not for the realization, not for the good of the society in which you live, then you get the following reverse aim: what was given for the good is used to the detriment of oneself. Memory starts to get in the way, because you remember all the bad things that happened to you, with all the emotions and the accompanying feeling of injustice, all the more offense: to your mother, to life, to the president, to God, etc.
A specific sense of justice or desire - "to be even, equally" - is another property of the anal psyche. The expectation of praise, approval, assessment is formed from it: "how much you give - so much you should receive." Gratitude, recognition are necessary for such people to feel mental balance.
If this is not the case, then the balance is disturbed, an imbalance occurs: insult as a feeling that I deserve, but they didn’t give me enough, they owe me. This is the strongest stress for the carrier of the anal vector, a crisis experience. And if it occurs at an age when the human psyche is still being formed, then it causes inhibition in development, which also leaves its mark on adult life. Resentment itself focuses on the past, preventing you from going forward.
There is a person like this, inside of whom sits a little offended boy, and even if he wants to do something in life, he cannot, because he is afraid, does not trust life and people, constantly expects a trick from them. Because he remembers his first unsuccessful experience, which did not allow him to step forward, each time warning: nothing will work, we tried, we know.
Resentment carried through the whole life
Mother is the first especially significant person in the life of any person. And for the owner of the anal vector, the mother is something sacred, almost a deity. He expects her recognition, her love and approval especially strongly. If something went wrong in their relationship, then this has a detrimental effect on the development and further life of such a person.
An imbalance in the psyche inevitably entails psychosomatics, one of the manifestations of which is, for example, problems with the gastrointestinal tract.
Taking offense at my mother, I kind of preserve myself, fix myself in a state of lack. This is a stupor, discontent spreading to everything around, this being stuck in the past, like your feet are stuck in a quagmire. It is a constant backward direction, when my present is an endless experience of pain from the past. This state excludes the possibility of a future.
Moreover, when you live in a state of resentment, it turns out that unconsciously, without knowing it, you fall into a trap: every decision you make in life turns out to be dictated by it - your bitter resentment. And when you suddenly realize that you have lived your whole life guided by the limitations of the offended anal vector, you want to cry.
Training System-vector psychology helps to understand how constant grievances against the mother impoverish life, inhibit possible development, do not allow building relationships.
It is possible to get rid of resentment
It is possible to understand how to cope with feelings of resentment towards a mother, perhaps when you realize the differences between yourself and her psyche, when you realize that her reactions were not dictated by a bad attitude towards you, but by the unbearable inner pain that she was carrying without being able to somehow alleviate, with someone to share. She didn't want to hurt, she just didn't know how much pain she was hurting. I didn't know how it was right, because I perceived you through my properties, through my pain.
A huge wave of compassion for her, for her such difficult motherhood, for this merciless, but almost criminal psychological illiteracy (because she does not exempt from responsibility) gives rise to a frantic desire to do everything so that this never happens again, so that this wave of pain stops at to me.
And maybe that's why I, like a habit, repeat a hundred times a day "I love" my son. And I tell him that there is no one better than him in this world. And I am ready to carry him in my arms endlessly and kiss his cheeks, and hug, and listen to all his stories. I really hope that when he grows up, if suddenly he has difficult times, my love will support him.
And I really hope that I will have time and that I can someday say that I love you, no matter what, mom.
