What is left of the meaning of life to me now? Just a name …
Happy is he whose natural desires are fulfilled. Then a feeling is born in the heart that everything is right, that life is given precisely for this - to enjoy it. Therefore, a happy person does not ask himself: "Why do I live?" This question arises exclusively from inner emptiness, pain …
Vladimir is sixty years old. He looks back and feels hope slipping away. Every person expects happiness from life, so that at the end of the path "it will not be excruciatingly painful" from the realization of the unfulfilled and unattainable. Vladimir did not wait. He actively searched, created, built, raised. Home, trees, children, body and soul, life itself. All by yourself, by your own hands, by your own strength. Many times it seemed to him that he was very close, one step away from the main goal, but each time he fell down and started from the beginning. He was pushed forward by the thought that everything was not in vain. It cannot be that a person comes into this life only to eat and sleep. There must be some great goal, idea behind this! But what ?! It was her that he wanted to find.
Childhood
Volodya grew up in a small village, lost in the vastness of his boundless homeland. In a large family with little income. He was the youngest, but this did not give privileges. Parents worked all day, the older children ran the household, the little ones were running errands. Tenderness, sincere conversations, bedtime stories did not exist even in dreams, although they were necessary like air. The natural potential of sensuality remains potential.
The school greeted Volodya coldly and with hostility. He was a shy, big-eyed boy in darned pants; he was the last in physical education. When you are weak and not sure of yourself, it is worth bowing your head a little, and there will immediately be those who want to crush, bend, trample. The children's collective is not yet regulated by adult laws and is not limited by strict cultural norms, so everything is especially clear. Every day Volodya received insults and cuffs from the big and strong, felt like a defenseless animal, which the wild flock amicably drives into a trap.
Complaining to family members was not accepted. The father was strict and stingy with emotions, demanded iron discipline and unquestioning obedience. He kept the whole family at bay. I wanted to see my son as my continuation. Therefore, for the manifestation of weakness, instead of protection and support, one could get extra money.
A family for a child should be a saving fortress, a place where they love, understand, and support. Children who do not feel the rear grow up as if without a core, without support. Some remain helpless and infantile, others are disappointed in people, while Vladimir resigned himself to the fact that the world is cruel and unfair, and decided that you can only rely on yourself.
At the age of 14, seeing that Volodya was hiding bruises and abrasions and did not think “to turn into a man,” dad took him to the boxing section.
Adulthood
A broken nose was added to the bruises and abrasions. But the body responded to the sports load - Volodya pulled himself up, muscles began to grow and his shoulders proudly straighten. His left kick quickly gained respect for his cocky peers.
But is that the point? Volodya wanted to be seen as a person, and not a pile of muscles, to appreciate his thoughts, words, feelings.
Right after school, Vladimir left for the capital, hoping to find himself. He worked at a factory, lived in a hostel, went all out. Girls, cigarettes, wine, forbidden books. New impressions, new desires, new questions. The impressions dimmed and were no longer pleasing. Material desires were satisfied and disappeared, as hunger disappears from a full stomach. But the questions multiplied, the hunger of the soul intensified, and there was nothing to fill this void with.
There was no more oppressive parental pressure, there were no cruel and annoying classmates, but there was no sense of freedom and meaning in life either.
Everything that Vladimir undertook, he did in full force, without compromises and semitones. Curiosity, a desire for change inherent in the skin vector, pushed forward, did not give up despair, each time turning it in a new direction, when the tunnel to the light that he was digging ran into another dead end. And he “dug” persistently and stubbornly, as is typical for people with the properties of an anal vector.
The dominant sound vector was the engine of the relentless search. He ruled the ball - he drilled with questions, did not let him be like everyone else, gurgle in the usual everyday swamp. "Why live, why me, then what?" Vladimir rushed about in search of answers.
The first push was into religion. But the aspirations did not come true, the revelations were not revealed, and the world remained flat as it was.
Over the next two years in the army, the brains were put into place, and the next stage of the search was studying at the Faculty of Philosophy. Now Socrates and Sartre, Aristotle and Nietzsche were zealously debating in their heads. Vladimir floundered in ideas and theories, but each time the imaginary supports disappeared from under his feet at the last moment.
One of the ideas, however, caught on for a long time: “The meaning of the path is in the path itself. Happiness must be forged with your own hands. " This thought resonated in my soul, because it corresponded to the innate desire to do everything myself. She also confirmed the experience gained: no one will help, and other people's "recipes for happiness" do not work.
People with an anal vector tend to strive for perfectionism in everything, and especially in that which is dear to their hearts. And the most precious thing for them is family, home, children.
So from the sound search, "multiplied" by the mental properties of the anal vector, the idea was born to create an ideal family as the primary cell of an ideal society. Raise the children of the future, leave a trace behind and fill life with meaning.
Defective marriage
Volodya decided to start the educational process with his wife. Dasha has just finished school. She was a slender beauty with a long braid. An impeccable image of a woman for a man with an anal vector: young, good, immaculate, malleable like fresh clay. Sculpt what you want!
And although Vladimir himself grew up in a patriarchal family and suffered under the yoke of a despotic father, according to his nature, he considered this device to be the only correct one.
Dasha's youth and mental flexibility helped her not to break down under the pressure of her husband. Soon a son was born, and Volodya switched to him. Hardening, massages, progressive methods of development. Vladimir felt like the Creator of a new life. People with a sound vector, tormented by global questions, often cry to God, demanding answers. But, without receiving a response, they are ready to try on His role. Vladimir was so carried away that he did not notice how Dasha had an affair with a university teacher, where her husband sent her to study philosophy dear to his heart.
The dream of an ideal family has cracked. Volodya drove out Dasha, kept his son for himself, continuing to "forge" a man out of him.
Tanya became the next woman in Volodya's life. Red-haired, with short hair, in comfortable jeans and sneakers, she was far from Volodya's ideal, but she was broad-minded, attentive and caring. She quickly turned a chaotic dwelling into a cozy nest, baked delicious pies, fell in love with Volodya's son as her own.
Tanya stood firmly on her feet in this world, was an adult, a well-formed person, had her own opinion, saw the meaning in love, did not seek happiness - she was it herself.
And it turned out … too perfect. Next to her, Vladimir felt how far from perfect he himself, his plans to build a bright future, and the world as a whole. This weighed on him.
At forty, Vladimir remained at a broken trough. Tanya left, Dasha sued her son, Volodya quit the plant. The meaning of life persistently eluded.
But I didn't want to give up. Volodya finished psychology courses and got a job in a boarding school for orphans. Hope flashed with renewed vigor. This is where it was possible to turn around, whom to educate, to lay the foundations of the society of the future. Inspiration went through the roof, Vladimir practically lived at work, he was even ready to adopt his pupils. But in the wild enthusiasm and progressive ideas, the boarding school management saw a threat to the established order and made every effort to part with the "inconvenient" employee.
It was a hard blow. But fate sent Vladimir a new chance in the form of a young counselor Anechka, whom he met in a summer camp during the last vacation.
Anechka was fond of psychology and was fascinated by Volodin's arguments about the meaning of human existence. And Vladimir decided to try again. The almost twenty-year age difference did not bother him, but, on the contrary, encouraged him. In Ana, he saw a devoted student and like-minded person. She was supposed to finally have an ideal family.
In addition, Vladimir caught fire with a new idea: "A healthy mind in a healthy body!" The famous phrase, long taken out of context, lost its original meaning for many centuries, but seemed to be a practical guide to action.
The enthusiasm with which Vladimir rushed to implement this principle is systematically understandable. The skin vector is the cult of a healthy body, the desire and ability to limit oneself (and others) in food, sleep, "all sorts of bad excesses." And sound - brings to fanaticism aspiration to everything in which a person believes.
To begin with, the newlyweds moved out of town, set up a vegetable garden, and switched to vegetarianism. Volodya decided that Anya needed to lose weight and cleanse her body before giving birth. Vladimir turned his usual sports activities into intense training, interspersed with hours of meditation.
Anechka gave birth to her daughter at home, Volodya was present when a new life appeared. The baby was not allowed to go to the garden, so as not to be exposed to "bad influence." Until the third grade, her parents taught her themselves, with an emphasis on music and literature.
… Time passed. The family led a healthy lifestyle, it would seem, they followed the principles of building happiness on earth, but Vladimir's gaze became dimmer every year. Despite his ideal physical condition and iron muscles, at fifty he looked like an ancient old man and was further from happiness than ever. Dissatisfaction with the world and society was growing every day, marriage did not bring inspiration, a breakthrough to light and long-awaited insight did not even smell …
Today, Vladimir's daughter is finishing university and dreams of moving to another city. Anechka gave up vegetarianism a long time ago, gained weight again, and lost interest in Volodya's ideas.
Vladimir feels the cold iron ring shrink, painfully squeezing his heart. Every day he asks himself if there was a meaning in what he was doing. How many times it seemed to him that in just a moment, and he would catch the Essence, like a magic bird, by the tail. But she slipped away, leaving Volodya unanswered. Questions, like old rheumatism, were exacerbated at different stages of life with renewed vigor. And now the pain has become chronic and nagging.
Difficult fate of a difficult person
For all other people, the meaning of life is happiness. And for a sound engineer, happiness is in the sense of life. And until the meaning is found, the soul suffers.
Happy is he whose natural desires are fulfilled. Then a feeling is born in the heart that everything is right, that life is given precisely for this - to enjoy it. Therefore, a happy person does not ask himself: "Why do I live?" This question arises exclusively from inner emptiness, pain.
Eating, sleeping, reproducing are equally characteristic of humans and animals. Desires make us human. They are all different, because we are mentally arranged differently.
Someone craves love, someone builds a career, someone finds themselves in art. And only the sound engineer often cannot even formulate what his soul yearns for, because everything that the material world offers he does not need, is not interesting, not cute. Such a person wants to comprehend something more, the very Thought, the Purpose of creating life, to find his place, purpose in it.
Vladimir always went forward, driven by this desire. He searched in religion, philosophy, psychology, but something was missing, did not convince, did not "click". All attempts to find peace of mind at the expense of their other vectors - in the family, raising children, health improvement - all the more did not satisfy, did not compensate for the bottomless emptiness of the sound request. Because the most important thing was missing - the understanding of "why is all this?"
The sound engineer has been looking for a microcircuit, an operation manual, a scenario for the device of the world all his life. He is convinced that our appearance on Earth is subordinated to some kind of plan, but, having failed to unravel it, he is disappointed and loses a sense of the meaning of life.
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