I love my child and … yell at him. How to stop?
The complete devaluation of our work creates a sense of injustice in relation to the efforts made, and this sometimes makes it difficult to adequately perceive what is happening. And he appears - SCREAM! A cry as an expression of our irritation, indignation, misunderstanding, powerlessness and pain …
What are children for us? Their appearance radically changes our life, dividing it into stages "before" and "after". We begin to understand that all our concerns are now connected only with children: about their health, appetite, mood, classes, relationships with friends, teachers, their school success, their development and upbringing.
We live for their sake, in many ways we adjust our entire life so that they feel comfortable. We refuse to buy a new dress, fashionable perfume, in order to provide them with everything they need. We choose a job that does not bring a lot of material income, but allows us to pick up the baby from kindergarten on time, take sick leave when the child is sick. Once again we do not meet with our friends to attend a children's play, take a walk in the forest, or ride a bicycle.
Good intentions
We strive to be realized now in order to ensure a decent future for our children later. We are ready to equip their life, suggest where to go to study after school, what profession to choose. From the height of our life experience, we try to give children advice on how to communicate with other people, what values to adhere to, how to live in general.
Often, all our good intentions are associated with the desire to give the child something that we ourselves did not have in childhood. And this is not only toys, trips, entertainment. Sometimes the lack of proper attention, care, good advice, frank conversations, a strong emotional connection with mom in childhood leaves an imprint on our entire adult life.
It seems that since we ourselves felt it, we know firsthand how much this is not enough, we will be able to give our children what our parents did not give us.
Of course, we do not want our children to be gripped by sadness, resentment, and a feeling of deprivation along with the memories of school years.
We are ready to apply all our strength, knowledge, patience to make them happy in childhood. So that later, thanks to our contribution to education and development, they will take place in adulthood, which means they will become happy.
Cruel reality
And what a surprise when the dreams of the carefree childhood of our offspring are smashed against reality! It turns out that we did not quite cope with the task …
Having turned inside out for them, denying ourselves everything, forgetting about our desires, we hear from them not words of gratitude, but endless claims, accusations, discontent.
At one time we thought that our parents, who grew up in the Soviet Union, do not understand at what time they bring up their children - us. Now we know exactly what to do. And we will not allow such nonsense and blunders in upbringing, which we noticed in childhood among our mothers and fathers, who have now become grandmothers and grandfathers.
But it took quite a bit of time to realize that being a parent is not as easy as it seemed at first, and even with a generation of "eggs" who easily learn "chicken". You don't know how to respond to their claims to life and specifically to yourself. A series of prepared in advance arguments, very convincing in our opinion, collapse before their next question.
It is heavy, Monomakh's hat!
It's impossible not to scream
The complete devaluation of our work creates a sense of injustice in relation to the efforts made, and this sometimes makes it difficult to adequately perceive what is happening. And he appears - SCREAM! A cry as an expression of our irritation, indignation, misunderstanding, powerlessness and pain.
A scream after another deuce in a diary, unfulfilled lessons that have no end in sight, persistent unwillingness to learn, another remark from the class teacher after a fight, incessant disorder in a room soiled, crumpled school uniforms, loss of removable shoes, buckles on leather shoes torn off on the very first day that you ran headlong to buy at lunchtime …
A cry because of a huge stain of gouache on a snow-white T-shirt or blouse, a mountain of unwashed dishes in the kitchen, disappeared without a trace in a pile of waste paper from a mathematics workbook, which has been on the wanted list for two weeks without success, the question “Why translate this sentence in English? Let's just write it! - but you never know we have reasons to lose our temper and raise our voice!
After another verbal skirmish on high notes, we sit with bowed hands, a disgusting mood, not resolved, but only aggravated by the problem, ruined relations with our daughter / son (and sometimes husband!), And the result is tears, tears, bitter tears in the pillow at night ! And then a new day comes and a misunderstanding of what to do with all this?
Am I such a bad mother? I can't calmly communicate with my own child, find an approach to him, give him my love and care? After all, he is the most precious thing I have! I live for him!
And now, relying on the knowledge of the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, let's calmly figure out WHY we shout.
Different psyche - differences in priorities
During the training, we learn that each of us has an innate vector or a set of mental qualities, based on which we behave in a certain way. There are eight vectors in total: cutaneous, visual, anal and others. Depending on our internal properties, given by vectors, we perceive the world around us and everything that happens, one way or another explain our actions and justify everything we do, including raising our voices to children.
It depends on our mental warehouse what will become the last straw that overflowed the cup of our patience. Sometimes these are just everyday little things that one will not pay attention to at all, while for another they will play the role of a red rag in front of a bull. Let's take a look at specific examples.
The owners of the anal vector are the most wonderful wives and mothers. They are just made for family life. They always have a clean house, a delicious lunch with the first, second, third and, of course, compote, bed linen, carefully laid out in piles in cupboards, shirts, skirts, trousers ironed for the whole family.
And at work such a woman is an irreplaceable employee. Only such a specialist can be entrusted with a responsible task, in which you need to understand with due care, thoroughly study the issue and bring the matter to the end. She is used to being the best in everything: an excellent pupil who graduated from high school with a gold medal, a respected, competent employee at work, a caring wife and mother at home.
It is not surprising that, in her image and likeness, she is raising a child who does not necessarily have qualities similar to her. She is accustomed to cleanliness, order, regularity, and here her child with a skin vector writes in a notebook obliquely crookedly just to be alive, never carefully reads the assignments and, as a result, does not complete homework (if he even remembers it at all), brings yesterday's ironed trousers mixed with dirty removable shoes in one bag.
And all this is not because the child wants to annoy you. He is just different, for him other things are a priority: it is important to save time, space, quickly write something, watch the cartoon on TV with one eye, hide toys, clothes in the closet (all in one big lump, just out of sight) and faster run to a training session in a sports section, a dance club, for new adventures, to friends, anywhere, but just away from boredom and monotony.
Or a diametrically opposite situation.
A strict mother with a skin vector is an "iron lady", slender, flexible, fit like a soldier in the army, in an expensive business suit "with a needle", driving a good car herself, often with a respectable position. She knows from her own experience what discipline is, she manages to complete the work for the whole team, because she effectively allocates her efforts, time and, as a result, achieves significant results.
To manage the work of an entire department allows her ability to organize subordinates, competently distribute work resources. But the trouble is - a clumsy, inhibited (by mom's standards) son with an anal vector. Courageous and a little indecisive, he does not strive for sports sections and does not shine with leadership abilities. He seems to like to study, he sits for hours over textbooks, and the grades are good, but … how slow everything is!
Beyond the scream
And what about the children? How do they behave after our shouts?
When we raise our voices, we obviously do not think about the consequences. If not all parents resort to assault as a “teaching method”, then many people sin by shouting.
A scream is a powerful psychological weapon that can unbalance even an adult, not just a child.
Do not forget: you and I, parents, are guarantors of the feeling of security and safety of our children, that is, the conditions for the normal development of a newly emerging personality. Screaming leads to the loss of this feeling, which means - to stress.
Experiencing stress, children with an anal vector, by nature obedient, enter a stupor, begin to be stubborn, take offense (sometimes for life), and no force can move them.
Fast skin children will leave vague notions of discipline and leadership in theory. In addition, to relieve stress, they can begin to steal.
Children with a visual vector, like no other, need to experience emotions. They feel an urgent need for emotional contact with their mother, who sometimes, after a hard day at work, endless household chores for the child is only a cry.
Subconsciously provoking the mother into a conflict with a verbal skirmish in raised voices, the child is looking only for communication with her, spiritual closeness, and confidential conversation. He gets used to filling his desires in such a perverse way (for lack of anything else) - receiving after contact with his mother emotions with a huge minus sign.
And unfortunately, going for an increase in the desire to receive more pleasure every time, visual children often become hostages of the situation. They need your cry like a breath of fresh air.
The louder you shout, the stronger your emotions, namely, the visual child expects them from you. He will look for new ways to get them, choosing not the most correct ways.
Children with a sound vector, as Yuri Burlan proves, who react most painfully to noise, under the influence of screaming will further and further isolate themselves from the physical world, which causes him only suffering. In addition to the stress of loud noises, they take on a heavy load of anchors from the meaning of the words coming out of your mouth.
And at the moment of irritation, as if from a cornucopia, we pour only insults and curses, which deeply insult and humiliate a child who was born in order to develop into a genius, and not remain on the first rung of the ladder leading up to revolutionary discoveries, moral and spiritual quest.
And, in an attempt to protect himself from pain due to harsh words, the child is fenced off from the outside world. He plunges headlong into the inner world, which does not allow him to learn to live among other people, to experience the joy of communicating with them, to develop and learn to use his powerful intellect, inherent in nature.
Responsibility for who grows out of a child - a genius or a person with developmental disabilities - lies in no small measure with the parents. It hurts to imagine what incontinence, fatigue, and often just ignorance can lead to.
Being a parent is a responsible role, daily work and great happiness! When we understand the mental characteristics of our child, what exactly he is missing, it is much easier for us to find a solution to the problem and avoid mistakes. We are able to give our child everything he needs!
You can learn more about relationships with children, issues of upbringing at the free online lectures of the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan. Register using the link.
