Life is pain. How to Raise a Masochist and a Loser. Master class for parents
We are created in order to have fun, that is, to realize our desires, which are different in each vector. A person with a script for failure takes pleasure in pain and humiliation in social life. From the outside, this causes confusion - how can you be such a loser? Maybe he was jinxed that failures are pouring on him?
- Where is the diary, I ask? Geography threefold again? You won't get out of the corner until morning!
And what's the big deal? I have long studied every millimeter in this corner. Every carnation and roughness. And every corner in the house has its own smell. But I love the far corners, those that are not outside the door - so that dad does not deliberately press down, every time he passes by, and knocks these doors until they are stunned. True, it is not always necessary to choose - where they put it behind the ear, I will stand there. Long, agonizingly long. Until I apologize. Recently I have become completely harmful - I stubbornly do not apologize, because I do not understand why I was punished again. I just measured the depth of a huge puddle in the garden and saved the lives of toad tadpoles.
While cleaning the closet, she, already a middle-aged woman, reads these lines from her lost children's diary, involuntarily remembers and ponders. Perhaps these constant punishments of loving parents somehow reflect on her present life?
- What are you doing if not with your own hands? - yells the mother. - Who so ironed the bed linen, slob, who will marry you so lazy? The chickens will laugh at you! At your age, I did everything around the house myself, but your hands grow from one place!
Strange, all my friends say that I am an excellent hostess. I cook well, my place is cozy and clean. But every time I clean up, I remember my mother’s words and I think that I’m a slob, it would be better to clean it. What to do with this eternal dissatisfaction with oneself, this exhausting self-flagellation? I do everything wrong.
“You’re not like people.
You're right, Mom.
- Open your mouth, I said! If you don't eat it, there will be a plate on your head!
- But I don't like beets! I just ate!
- Open, said, d … small, don't you dare contradict your father! - and a full spoonful of the hated beets is poking into his mouth through gritted teeth. Then I remember tears like hail and a gag reflex. If only I do not vomit, otherwise I will not leave the corner until morning. From pain and nausea after such feedings, I rolled on the floor. But dad loves me, he knows what to eat for a child at 13 years old.
She still hates beets. He cannot accept anything - neither from life, nor from a man. It seems to her that she does not deserve anything good. If something good happens, if she is praised, she simply does not believe. And when a good, promising and wealthy man appears on the horizon, she looks for a thousand reasons to abandon the relationship, because she is sure that she is not worthy of such a person.
How hard it is for her to read it! For some reason she forgot everything, and now, while reading, she feels how her memory hurts …
- For a lie, I will beat you to death! I will tear you apart by the two legs, like a toad, such a fool! - And on the lips … And on the cheeks …
And then I will hide the diary with the three again. Let them beat. At first, something broke off from my fear at the sight of a swinging hand or belt, and now it doesn't even hurt that much. Now it hurts more when they "beat" with words.
- No discos, you will disgrace your father! Stack the bricks until you put everything down - you won't go to sleep.
- But my hands hurt, and tomorrow I'll play a concert!
- It's okay, you are hiding from work all day in the music room.
What discos!.. It's all dirty and shameful. My girlfriends are already running on dates with might and main, but I still play with dolls and read books. Mom told me WHAT people say about those girlfriends! And when I was dancing with the boy at the wedding, she came up and asked: “Should I slap you now or later? I will not let you disgrace me!"
It's just that my mother loves me and wants to protect me, because I'm only 16 years old.
Wow, how amazing, but now, as a mature woman, she looks at relationships as something shameful and dirty. Feels some kind of constant internal prohibition on communication with a man. Especially for an intimate one … Sometimes for six months or a year she lives "without it": "Why this dirty sex, after which, having used, he will leave me and disgrace?"
And the stomach aches, nature asks for its own. She is a beautiful woman - in constant solitude, although there is always a sea of men around her. As a result, she always bypasses a worthy and successful applicant and chooses a social inadequate who must be urgently listened to and saved. For the sake of this, it is not a sin to sacrifice yourself, your interests and prospects. Give him everything - from unspent love to your last savings. And then to remain all alone, convulsively clinging to scraps of feelings and the unbearable pain of parting. Exhausted to insensibility and anorexia, she will feel relief: “Well, someone should have saved him? So I deserve this pain …”Her next relationship will end just as unbearably painful.
She doesn't seem to get tired of suffering. And now it is very painful for her to read this diary, this forgotten piece of her life, but her eyes, wet with tears, read on on their own. How did she stay adequate and not go crazy with such a childhood? She was probably saved by books and a music school. The books opened up a completely different world in which it was so easy to get lost and hide. And your favorite musician! There were so many friends and musical instruments on which I wanted to play and find new timbres, sometimes forgetting that I had to go home for a long time, work, otherwise they would yell again. How tired she was from working so hard physically! But on the other hand, it's easier to work - then they don't yell. Or maybe someday they will be praised, which almost never happens.
She remembers well the day when her mother praised her for the cutlets. Eh, my dear parents, if you knew how I waited all the time and tried at all costs to hear a kind word from you. I don't remember being hugged, but I so wanted affection, or at least a gentle touch, at least a word, I love you so much!
And now, when someone happily hugs her, she feels awkward and, like a little hedgehog, is in a hurry to pull away. And for the sake of praise and kind feedback, I'm ready for anything. If only it was approved.
- Nothing! How dare you not call your father to dinner? How could such a muddlehead degenerate !? Do not drink! Schmuck last, choke! - and on the back of the head … It doesn't seem to hurt very much, but from such “encouraging” cuffs it seemed to stop my thought, my brain fell into a stupor, and for a moment I stopped thinking.
Once a drunken father beat my mother, and so that he would not kill her, I began to beat him. I could not see anything behind the tears, I screamed and beat … I felt only the first hard blow, and then there was no pain. I didn't feel pain! Distraught, I, on the contrary, obscured my mother and yelled: "Hit, beat me up, dad!"
Further, as in a fog, through the moan of my mother and the crying of my sister, I asked my father for forgiveness so that he would not try to shoot. I snatched the gun from my father's hands and ran into the night to hide it. Desperation and the desire to end this unbearable pain and useless life - that's all I felt. I selected the largest knife in the kitchen and brushed it sharply across my wrist. It burned and muddied to vomiting …
I remember only the tearful eyes of the younger sister who ran in, who knocked out the knife. She stood alone, defenseless, frightened, repeating: “What are you doing? And what about me? She cried desperately and quietly, because you can't cry loudly …
The diary fell out of my hands. In the middle of the room on the floor, sobbing, sat a woman who had aged over an hour. She couldn't read any more. A thought crept into my head: "Or maybe her whole unsuccessful and painful life is an echo of a" broken "childhood?" But how could she forget all this horror?
Our memory protects us by forcing us to forget the painful moments of life and displacing them into our subconscious. However, they don't go anywhere. They lie in the far corners of the secret closets of our soul and form negative scenarios of our destinies. In order to stop living according to such a scenario, we need to remember and realize the reasons for what lives by us. Let's try together to understand the reasons for some of the scenarios using the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Killed life
In system-vector psychology, there is the concept of a vector. This is a set of innate desires and properties of the psyche for the realization of these desires. Each person can have one or more vectors. The more vectors we have, the more desires. And all the more shortages and sufferings when these desires are not fulfilled.
Owners of the skin vector have the most delicate skin, which is many times more sensitive than representatives of other vectors. Such people are physically very flexible, fast and fit. And their psyche, accordingly, is flexible and capable of easily changing and adapting to external conditions.
People with a skin vector always strive for superiority in everything. Social and property superiority is their basic desire. Potentially, they are businessmen, athletes, lawyers, executives and leaders in various fields.
In the process of raising a skin child, there must always be adequate restraint and discipline, which are necessary for the development of his innate talents. He also needs caress and stroking of his special zone, sensitive from birth - the skin. This can be a massage, hugs, gentle strokes before bed. As a punishment, you can limit the child in time and space. For example, do not let them go for walks, reduce the time spent playing on the computer. At the same time, it is imperative to explain why he was punished. When something cannot be done, it is important to explain why, and certainly offer an alternative.
But in no case should a little leatherback be beaten and humiliated verbally and morally. He is a leader by nature - and we humiliate him: "stupid, insignificant, nothing sensible will come of you", unconsciously aiming at the most painful place.
An unformed child's psyche is not able to critically analyze these words. But he readily adapts the humiliation and beatings of his parents in order to maintain his integrity. The child begins to believe that he really is worthless and deserves punishment. He loses a sense of security and safety and, in order to preserve himself, includes the species role of the getter, which has not yet been developed, and begins to steal (get). If you beat a skin girl, she can in adulthood perceive her body as an asset and engage in prostitution.
How masochism occurs
The psyche of a dermal child is most adaptable to the environment, therefore, when he is hit on his erogenous zone (skin), he feels unbearable pain and is forced to adapt it. The brain releases natural opiates (endorphins) into the body, which have a powerful anti-stress and analgesic effect, causing euphoria. Gradually and unconsciously, the child becomes psychologically and physically dependent on this kind of endorphins, that is, he learns to enjoy the pain.
Then the child looks for pain. Often we see him provoking his parents with his behavior to get spanked. Sometimes he even directly asks about it, specifying how and where he needs to be beaten.
In some cases, he begins to subconsciously experience sexual arousal from the beatings. The emergence of masochistic fantasies is already the first signs of a tendency towards masochism. Sexual masochism can occur exclusively in the owners of the cutaneous vector.
The masochist experiences the greatest excitement from physical pain, helplessness, humiliation, and submission. If already in adulthood this aspiration is not realized in intimate life, then it is forced out into the social sphere. Such a person unconsciously constantly finds himself in unpleasant situations. He is plagued by chronic setbacks, which as a result lead to mental pain and feelings of humiliation. Thus, as a result of beatings and humiliation of the skin child, a scenario for failure is formed. That is, a person consciously strives for success, but subconsciously does so in order to fail and get suffering. Getting pleasure from this suffering and failure. Even the mood is somehow improving. It turns out a vicious circle - wants to rise, but cannot, because unconsciously strives for failure, needs it.
We are created in order to have fun, that is, to realize our desires, which are different in each vector. A person with a script for failure takes pleasure in pain and humiliation in social life. From the outside, this causes confusion - how can you be such a loser? Maybe he was jinxed that failures are pouring on him? But primarily masochism is always libidious, that is, a person thus strives for sensual and sexual pleasure according to the scenario described above.
Imitation of rudeness, role playing, a partner with mild sadistic inclinations on the basis of a trusting relationship can satisfy masochistic desires.
However, it is more difficult for a man in our society to go for domination over him by a woman, but it is necessary to get rid of a negative life scenario. It is necessary to change places - social masochism (a scenario for failure) to wrap in a physical body (sexual masochism) so that it ceases to live by us in society.
Adult misery comes from childhood
The heroine of our story possesses not only a skin vector, but also anal, sound, visual and oral vectors, which, in combination with the skin, write additional scenarios of her life.
The unfair punishment of the parents led to the rigid stubbornness of the girl, the owner of the anal vector. Constant "wrong" and "wrong" - to a sense of guilt in front of oneself and self-flagellation, to an eternally unsatisfied feeling of perfectionism. Having not received the necessary adequate praise in childhood for all her efforts to please her parents, she still seeks the approval of others at any cost.
The prohibition of parents to communicate with the opposite sex and the positioning of paired relationships as something "shameful and dirty" formed a corresponding perception of men and intimate relationships as something vicious and dirty. And that's all - just one combination of cutaneous and anal vectors.
The visual vector in a state of fear and the broken skin vector form a victim complex - a victim complex, where a woman unconsciously constantly chooses a sadistic partner.
Punching an oral baby on the lips can lead to stuttering. He lies and will lie if you do not listen to him.
Force-feeding a child is the strongest psychotrauma. Such a person is incapable of either giving or taking - a non-adaptive, loses the ability to be adequate among people. Force-feeding impairs a woman's adequate ability to receive. First of all, the ability to create paired relationships. Thus, an aversion to that which should bring pleasure is formed.
But in some ways, our heroine is still lucky. Only in the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan can one find the answer to the causes of childhood autism and mental retardation. This is a cry for a small sound baby. Harsh sounds and offensive words hurt him unbearably, so his erogenous zone (ear) closes and refuses to hear sounds and understand the meanings of words. The music school saved our girl from this. Concentration on sounds “from outside” did not allow the sound barrier to close from the outside world.
How do I rewrite the script?
All our failures, suffering, negative scenarios come from childhood. Nobody has developed without problem situations. Here it is important to realize that parents love us and educate us as they can, as they raised them. With the best motives and a desire for happiness for their children, they hurt us because they hurt them, and they themselves suffer from it.
With the help of Yuri Burlan's knowledge of system-vector psychology, we have a chance to find out and understand what drives human nature, therefore, to justify his behavior and understand that he could not have acted otherwise.
Already at free online lectures on the skin and anal vector, we can understand, and therefore, understand the mechanism of the formation of masochism and a scenario for failure, learn how to overcome resentment and dependence on praise, and understand the reasons for parental behavior.
And also take the first steps towards yourself and towards other people. And that means - to start a new full-fledged happy life according to your own scenario, in which there will be no place for the echoes of a broken childhood. You can sign up for free online classes in systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan here.
