Resentment towards parents. How to forgive the impossible?
Offended people lose friends, get along hard with their neighbors, cannot but express their attitude to society, which is heading for no one knows where, where all the “crooks, deceivers, crooked hands”. Personal life brings suffering: there are “wrong” people who do not value. What to do, how to figure it out, let go of the insult? And is it worth worrying about at all?
Resentment towards parents is perhaps the most difficult type of resentment. Sometimes we do not even realize that we are offended, the relationship simply does not develop - there is neither mutual understanding nor warmth, which is so necessary for every person, even the adult himself. This is at its best. And at worst - quarrels, scandals, mutual hostility and even hatred, years without communication - "I don't even want to know anything about them!" … Actually, the very resentment against the parents and the impossibility of normal relations are only the tip of the iceberg that lurks in this dire psychological state. Resentment affects a person's entire life in the most negative way.
What to do, how to figure it out, let go of the insult? And is it worth worrying about at all? We understand on the basis of knowledge of the training "System-vector psychology".
Why does resentment arise?
Everyone has their own reason to be offended by their parents. Some were not bought a bicycle or a dog, some were not praised for their diligent study, or “loved less” than their younger brother or sister. Someone was forbidden to choose a favorite profession or connect life with a loved one. Someone was beaten, someone was shouted at, someone was thrown … Each has its own story. And the result is the same - a grievance, heavy, suffocating, poisoning today. And no matter how many days or years have passed, the pain is alive as if it had just happened.
Only the owners of the anal vector suffer from grievances against their parents. They have a unique memory, they remember everything: both good and bad.
The geometry of their psychological comfort is an even square. Everything in life should be equal, equal. Any bias, even if it is a crookedly hanging picture, causes discomfort and a desire to correct, restore evenness. In a relationship, the same thing: they made me a good, pleasant - I want to thank. Have they offended me?.. The answer is obvious.
The edge of the square, skewed by injustice, presses, distorts everything inside, does not allow going forward and looking at the world with confidence, with joy. How? After all, they must apologize to me, correct themselves, make amends! Thoughts, feelings again and again return to offense.
The owners of the anal vector are not only touchy, they are also very family in nature. Parents, children, spouses, home is a priority, this is the most important thing, the most important thing. What makes life meaningful, comfortable, happy. That for which one wants to live, work, try.
The owner of the anal vector is the person who creates connections between generations. And in the profession, for example, in the work of a teacher, historian, archaeologist, and in everyday life - with parents, and then with their children. Therefore, resentment against parents, the inability to treat them with sincere love and respect, uneven relationships darken life, do not allow to move on. Sometimes it is realized, sometimes not. And the result is one - an unhappy life.
Looking to the past? Don't live in the present
Resentment is not only an imbalance in feelings “they didn’t give me enough”, “they were unfair to me,” which is very painful in itself. Resentment is the stop-cock of a lifetime. Constantly returning thoughts to a situation long gone, we get stuck in the past. This means that we do not live in the present. We cannot develop. And this is an unlived life. That is why the anal vector is taboo. Outwardly, this manifests itself in the fact that you can't talk about it, you can't scratch it - it's indecent! But the main meaning of the taboo is different. You cannot look back because you cannot go forward. It's like driving forward looking only in the rearview mirror. How far will you go? It's like living with eyes on the back of your head. Can you walk forward without stumbling?
When a person gets stuck in resentment, lives in the past, he breaks the taboo on involution.
Resentment towards parents, especially towards mom, is one of the most difficult. Mom is the most important person in the life of the owner of the anal vector, in childhood he checks every step according to her. In a sense, his mother is the center of the universe for him. It depends on the relationship with her how he will relate to the whole world, how his whole future life will turn out.
Often we don't even realize that we are offended. For some reason, just for some reason, relationships do not develop, especially paired ones, in each person we suspect the worst, the world seems hostile and causes hostility. We are always waiting for a trick, we do not trust, we are afraid that we will be offended again, abandoned, betrayed, because we involuntarily transfer the resentment to other people. Resentment against mom turns into resentment for the entire female gender, in the worst case - for the whole world. This is how analytical thinking works in the anal vector - we unwittingly generalize our first experience, transfer it to everyone.
Offended people lose friends, get along hard with their neighbors, cannot but express their attitude to society, which is heading into an unknown direction, where all the "crooks, deceivers, crooked hands." Personal life brings suffering: there are “wrong” people who do not value. At work, too, is not good: there is no respect and recognition of merits. Resentment day after day pulls into a muddy, sticky swamp, in which it is difficult to move, breathe hard, disgusting to live. Life is devoid of joy. And hopelessness lies ahead.
So we live in anticipation of compensation from loved ones, the world around us, and we are not able to show all the good that we have. We ourselves suffer the most from this. What to do about it?
Why it's hard to live with resentment towards your parents
In addition to the resentment that slows down our life, there is also a natural law common to everyone, for the owners of any vectors, because it preserves us as a human species. The law of honoring parents.
What do we feel when we see abandoned old people, ugly old age? Sympathy? Sometimes. Fear? Is always. Because in them we see our personal future, our personal weakness, uselessness, ill health. And this unconscious fear prevents us from living and working, investing in society. We begin to make contributions to our individual pension fund, save on charity, and dodge taxes.
Why invest in a society with unprotected old age? Why invest in a society that will throw me overboard when I get sick, grow old, and fail to be active and useful? In such a society, there is no future for me and therefore no future for everyone. Because this is how, unconsciously, not only I perceive life, but also my neighbor, my colleague. Not caring about our parents, we do not really care about ourselves and our future, we lead society to disintegration. And it’s not a question of whether they deserve care or a curse, it’s a matter of preserving our society.
We live and do not even understand why everything is wrong in our life. And if not awkward, then not as good as we would like. And all because we have forgotten about our parents, do not care, do not provide them financially, do not give them emotions - so that they do not feel that their life was meaningless: the children grew up and left. This does not mean that you need to live their life, no. You need to live your life. Happy, wealthy. But it is our feedback that makes them feel the meaningfulness of life, happiness, satisfaction, security in their declining years.
The operation of the law of honoring parents is very accurately shown in the film Juliet by Pedro Almodovare. The heroes are ordinary good people, but at first the daughter condemns her father for falling in love again in his declining years, takes offense for himself, for her mother, who is in no way to blame for being sick and dying. Not that he breaks the connection with him, but forgets, does not let him into his life, is not interested in his life. And a series of tragedies begins in life, gradually destroying life, taking away everything that is most precious and important. Then the daughter of the heroine does the same - leaves without saying a word. And in response to the fact that she did not give the mother feedback and crossed out her future, she loses her future and the meaning of her life: her son.
There is a legend that the Neanderthals became extinct as a species, because they did not save the elderly. Children need us when they are young and do not know how to take care of themselves. We give them food, a roof over their heads, and a sense of security and safety to grow. Old people need us when they become helpless. Just as we will need our children when our life comes to an end.
Feedback from parents is not provided by nature, not built into instinct. It is inherent only in humans, because only we live in society, in a group, together. Animals don't care about their parents. Feedback from parents is always a manifestation of our human, not animal nature. This is part of our cultural superstructure and requires our efforts. And we often don’t even notice that we haven’t called grandmother for a long time, forgot about grandfather, didn’t bring flowers to mother and didn’t ask her health, didn’t listen to her father, didn’t help with housework.
The issue of reverence for parents is not a personal question of one individual, one particular family. This is a question of the whole society, it is a question of the collective security system of society. Therefore, there are no exceptions, notes, interpretations or footnotes in the law on honoring parents. It works for everyone. Even for parents who were unfair. Even for parents who drank, beat, yelled. Even for parents who ditched and left without looking back. For the parents who were "the fiend of hell." It's not our business to judge and decide who is superfluous in this world. Our business is to preserve ourselves and humanity.
Today we see an epidemic of loss of connection with parents. Children often go far from their parents, and everyone lives their own life. In the United States with a skin mentality, where there has always been and is a distance between people, this is perceived more naturally, but still painful, even if neither children nor parents are aware of this pain. In Russia with a collectivist mentality, the loss of ties between generations is very difficult.
But what if, when you lose touch, your relationship with your parents is also darkened by resentment? How to take care when everything is boiling inside?
Letting go of the past
When they say: "Let go of the insults, forget!" - this does not work. Because it is impossible to consciously influence the reaction mechanism, to align the skewed edge of the inner square. What works?
Understanding why resentment arises, what she does to you. And most importantly, understanding the entire situation as a whole, the reasons for the offender's behavior. Why was mom not always kind and loving, and dad was not always a strong defender? Because they were unhappy. A happy woman won't scream, beat, drink. A happy man will not leave, rape, shout, ignore. They were unhappy.
Systems thinking makes it possible to see the life of parents from their bell tower, from their childhood, from their pain. Understand why they were like that.
When you are able to look at their life from their side, to understand them from the inside - and system-vector psychology gives such a chance to everyone - the insult will go away. You will experience great relief, and from this moment your life will begin. Real.
And the more unhappy the mother or father was, the less love there was in their life, the more they would want to give them. To make their life at least a little happy at least on the declining days. To align, to equal, to fair.
Letting go of grievances, we throw off an overwhelming burden from our shoulders, and from our feet weights that did not allow us to go. They no longer press down to the ground, do not pull back. The past remains in the past and does not interfere with living in the present. It becomes easier to breathe, severe psychosomatic problems disappear. And most importantly, it turns out that there are good people in the world whom we have not seen behind the veil of resentment and mistrust. It turns out that you can find a couple and create a strong family, build different relationships with the world.
Listen to how Natalia's life changed after she managed to understand her mother and let go of the insult that tormented her all her life.
In the reviews section, there are more than 700 stories of those who were able to forgive insults, including offenses against their parents. Read how their lives have changed.
Life without offense exists, and it is possible for everyone. The nature of the formation of resentment, the topic of relationships with parents and children, the topic of pair relationships is deeply understood already at the free cycle of online training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.