Childfree. Freedom from a child - freedom from what?
Childfree is a term that is increasingly used to refer to people (and their communities) who knowingly refuse to have children …
Why aren't childfree ready to continue in space and time?
Among my friends there are three grandmothers, a couple of mothers with many children, several single mothers, three or four careerists who chronically postpone the birth of children "for later", and only two ladies of childbearing age who in all seriousness refuse motherhood, bringing different rationalization. Recently I was surprised to learn that there are tens of thousands of people like them in the world - they belong to the childfree subculture *, people who deliberately abandon children and even promote a childless lifestyle.
* Childfree is a term that is increasingly used to refer to people (and their communities) who knowingly refuse to have children. Over the past few decades, a whole social stratum of childfree has developed, which adheres to its own philosophy of abandoning procreation in favor of personal freedom and unrestricted self-expression. Another abbreviation - DINKy (Double Income No Kids - double income, no children) means a working married couple who deliberately does not have children. According to the latest statistics, in the world about 7% of deliberately childless couples.
Tanya and Elsa, very different and completely unlike each other, nevertheless made the same choice. They don't want children. Definitely, under no sauce. And the arguments from the series "But what about the continuation of the family?" or “It is necessary to bring someone a glass of water in old age” for them is like an empty phrase. For me, as a woman to whom it is still more important to give birth and raise a child is more important than building a house and planting trees, it was very curious to understand the motives of such a categorical denial of children.
As if in fetters
We met with Elsa only a few times, but each meeting was, without exaggeration, unforgettable. Quite eccentrically dressed, she still aroused much more curiosity with her views on life. Although, of course, the lilac knitted scarf looked very ridiculous on her in the scorching rays of the June sun. When we first met, she talked about how she was able to look beyond the solar system through meditation. And even felt what exactly it smells like in the airless intergalactic space. And now she wants to artificially recreate "the smell of space, the smell of stars." Say, a freak out of this world? Not at all. Elsa works as a programmer in a very serious state-owned company, she copes with the work, the bosses are happy. She has a regular boyfriend, also a programmer, a very nice guy,who is into electronic music.
But of course, Elsa has no equal in the degree of depth in herself. She often asks again when they turn to her, always pensive, always “in herself,” as if she is constantly conducting some kind of internal dialogue. Ordinary life, by her own admission, passes through her as in a dream. The hot coffee in the cup turns into a soft drink while Elsa talks about her new "discovery". The usual human questions lead her into a stupor: she does not know how much milk costs in the store, she has no idea how to pay for water, she is not tormented by the question of whether her boyfriend is faithful to her - he is just around, he does not bother her, and that is quite enough. Well, what kind of children are there, what are you talking about. She has absolutely no idea what to do with them.
It is often not typical for sound people to think about children. And if they become mothers, then often it happens more by accident than consciously. Helena Blavatsky, carried away by the occult, esotericism, oriental philosophies and myriads of worlds in her head, did not think at all about such insignificant details as the continuation of her separate kind. Far from thinking about offspring was the English writer Virginia Woolf, who escaped the depression that had pursued her all her life with the help of her manuscripts. And how many failed sound mothers have abandoned worldly joys and everyday happiness, giving themselves up to the eternal brides of God! Grace and spiritual union with Heavenly Father for them turned out to be an order of magnitude more important than the joy of motherhood.
Urethral sonicator Zemfira, probably, can still become a mother, but so far she has no time for children. She is led through life by an all-consuming sound - a whole universe of meanings, ideas, thoughts and internal contradictions, which simply leaves no room for small helpless creatures who squeak, scream and almost round the clock demand food and attention. After all, this is real torment for a sound engineer, and what a monstrous waste of time!
True children of sound parents are ideas, hypotheses, discoveries, philosophy, religion. It is they who occupy the place in the souls of sound specialists that people with more developed parental instincts usually give to children.
There are also those sound specialists who explain their abandonment of children by the fact that they do not want to take responsibility and doom another living being to suffering, bringing him into this world. The world for them is precisely suffering; they make this projection onto everything around them.
Achievement Race does not mean stopping
My colleague Tatiana is the complete opposite of Elsa. She would rather be late for work than leave the house unpainted. Always stylish, expensive and tastefully dressed, in great physical shape. She clearly knows what she wants and goes to her goal according to the strategy worked out by a sophisticated mind. Skin careerist with two higher educations, always getting her way. "Whatever Lolwants, Lolgets …" is Tatiana's favorite song, which really reflects her philosophy of life.
"I will never wash the floors in the hallways like my mom did!" - somehow in a moment of frankness Tanya told me. And she does not want children precisely because she is not ready, even in the slightest, to infringe on her personal interests, her personal freedom, her personal life, which is in full swing. Tatiana responds to the accusations of selfishness by her friends-mothers with a counterargument that just having children is selfishness. Like, you give birth to a child like a toy, because you want to have your own living being next to you, which you can lead, on which you can take out your complexes, set up experiments in education, etc.
Sometimes, when I see a mother spanking a screaming child, who at the same time calls him really scary words, I think that Tatiana is not so far from the truth.
Here is what you can hear from Tanya if you involve her in discussions about children: “There are so many orphans in the world that giving birth to more children in it is a manifestation of egocentrism. I send enough money to the orphanage every month to fully dress and shoe one orphan. Thus, in a year I provide 12 children with decent clothes. My contribution to the welfare of the new generation is much more practical than your endless whispering and indulging the whims of the same child, whom you cannot even bring up properly. By the age of 38, Tatiana became a co-owner of a large city-forming enterprise and a deputy of the city council. She loves to give interviews and, openly showing off in front of the camera, talk about youth and social policy, the improvement of the city and the solution of communal problems of the population. She is proud of her slender figure and well-groomed face,looking down a little at the blurry and ugly peers.
At the same time, Tanya sincerely believes that as a businessman and public figure she is much more valuable to society than as a "mother". By the way, it is the people with the skin vector who claim that the absence of children is the privilege of a "developed" society.
Indeed, why waste time with children when you can spend it on yourself? Travel on vacation around the world, change husbands at your whim, enjoy spa treatments, groom and nourish your body and live for yourself. This is the essence of Tatyana's life, who constantly has romances with young deputies and never forgets to protect herself. Still, the "dangerous" childbearing period is not over yet. As a well-known American supporter of the "childfree" lifestyle once said in an interview, why produce people as imperfect as yourself when you can devote your life to self-improvement?
By the way, Tanin's favorite anecdote speaks of her belonging to the "childfree" more directly than the pretentious coming-outs. Imagine a small cluttered apartment, a screwed husband is lying on the couch watching football, two small children are screaming around the room screaming, another child is drawing with a felt-tip pen on the wallpaper, smearing snot on his face. A mother of many children, breastfeeding a young child and at the same time stirring borscht in a saucepan, calls a lonely friend who at this time paints her nails with scarlet varnish, lying in a bath filled with fragrant foam, and tells her: “How can I think that you are alone there, heart bleeds! " I think this anecdote would surely have liked the American actress Renee Zellwegger, who, at the age of 44, openly declares that children are real tyrants, and the birth of children is "voluntary slavery",
By the way, in the United States, childfree is a quite common phenomenon, studied by numerous psychologists and psychological centers. Interestingly, their conclusions that convinced childfree live in cities, are in high demand in the professional sphere, have good incomes, are not inclined to follow traditions, are selfish and, in general, are more educated than lovers of children. That's really the truth - grief from the mind.
There are a lot of examples of childless women, passionate about career, fame and zigzags of luck. Condoleezza Rice and Angela Merkel, Lyudmila Zykina and Olga Voronets, Galina Ulanova and Maya Plisetskaya - some of them made a career, some were too immersed in creativity, some did not want to leave the stage even for a short time. “I gave myself to art” - this is what former prima and prima donnas often say in old age. Can you see remorse or regret in their eyes? Rarely.
Researchers who interviewed active childfree representatives have compiled a list of the main reasons why people consider themselves to be in this subculture. The top five motivations included such reasons as aversion to children, unwillingness to sacrifice familiar convenience and comfort for the sake of a child, a desire to focus on a career and personal achievements in business, sports, politics, art, etc., the lack of a compelling reason to have children (“I am self-sufficient and without children”), satisfaction with pets and / or communication with children of relatives or friends. Interestingly, the same reasons (well, with the exception of the first one) are often cited by those who deny their involvement in childfree, claiming that they only postpone the birth of a child until “better times”.
Someday
Vita is not formally a childfree. She is 35 years old, works in a large law firm and is quite successful in her work. However, she still has no clarity on the issue of childbirth. On the one hand, she feels the pressure of society and especially close friends and parents. "Vita, when will you give us a grandson or granddaughter?" - every time the mother “turns on the organ” when Vita comes to visit for the weekend.
On the other hand, she has absolutely no desire to spoil her figure, quit work, fitness, nightclubs and adrenaline-filled relationships with men. Namely, the birth of a child will lead to such consequences, she is sure of this. As a result, Vita came up with a convenient "excuse": the time for children had not come yet. “Not now, first I have to become the head of the department,” she says to her mother. “Someday, of course, I’ll give birth, but I’ll just meet a suitable father for a child,” he answers clingy girlfriends who have already had offspring. “We'll deal with the children later, let's wait for ourselves for now, make sure that we are suitable for each other,” convinces another boyfriend with serious intentions.
The problem is that this "someday" all does not come and may never come, because the skin-visual Vita really does not want to have a child at all. She likes to remain a child herself more - a capricious and spoiled, pretty, overage doll who does not want to turn from a girl whom "everyone wants" into a cellulite aunt with stretch marks and overweight (which, in her opinion, will certainly happen if she becomes pregnant and give a birth to a baby).
Of course, many skin-visual women today still strive to prove that they are "real women" and give birth, but there are still a lot of those who, engaging in sincere self-deception, postpone childbearing "for later".
Suffice it to recall the beauty Marilyn Monroe, who left this world at the age of 36. She put the child off "for later", being in essence a childfree. In her third marriage, she managed to get pregnant, but the pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. She had no time to make another attempt. Cameron Diaz, who is 41 today, does not claim that she will never become a mother, but nevertheless constantly hints that all her achievements today have become possible, including because she is not burdened with children. Everyone's beloved Patricia Kaas also postponed the birth of a child for a long time. Now, when the 50th anniversary is not far off, it is perhaps already clear that "later" will not come. And instead of a child, Patricia is content with her beloved dog.
The most spectacular blonde of the Soviet years, Irina Miroshnichenko, today sadly admits that she objected to having a child when her third husband asked for it. Then it seemed to her that it was too early to give birth, that she would still have time. "If you go on maternity leave, you will be left without roles." Today the elderly actress "with roles" regrets that she refused to give birth to a child for career reasons …
What can make a convinced skin-visual childfree decide to have a baby? Perhaps there is only one thing - the desire to conquer the next peak, which cannot be conquered by other methods. Something like this happened with the famous Hollywood beauty Eva Mendes, who is expecting a child from an equally famous boyfriend. And this at forty, after defiant statements in the media that children are not for her, that she loves sleep and a quiet life more. “Everywhere you look, everyone is babysitting children, and looking at this, I said to myself: I won't have this. There are many other, more wonderful things to do in life,”Mendes said before she got pregnant.
Well, for women who do not consider themselves childfree, but at the same time do everything not to give birth, nature has meted out not so much time to change their minds. It is easier for men in this regard. They can reconsider their beliefs even at a ripe old age and still have time to jump on the rapidly departing train called "fatherhood".
Consciously childless
Yes, there are many childfree among men. For the sake of a career, Quentin Tarantino abandoned his family and children, for the sake of personal freedom - George Clooney. But all is not lost for them, there are still many years to change their minds.
By the way, it is the opportunity to change their minds that stops most doctors, who are approached by especially convinced childfree with a request to perform sterilization / vasectomy. In the West, such operations are not uncommon among people who already have children, usually at least two. However, doctors are very reluctant to respond to requests for sterilization when they come from 20-30-year-old young people who are not burdened with children. Who knows if such a patient will not change his mind by the age of 40-50 and will not sue the doctor who has deprived him of the joy of fatherhood?
However, childfree seldom change their beliefs. Their decision not to have offspring is supported by numerous like-minded people with whom they communicate on social networks, in hobby clubs, and even in informal public organizations, of which there are more than forty in the United States alone.
Even in Russia, where traditional views on family and marriage and towards those who proclaim themselves childfree are still strong, the attitude in society is rather negative and wary, nevertheless there are groups in social networks where supporters of conscious childlessness have the opportunity to exchange views and support each other. friend.
However, the pressure of society on consciously childless is weakening before our eyes. And many men and women are already openly saying that they do not want children. They do not want to "breed poverty", do not want to give birth to "cannon fodder" for a world in which wars and violence have not been defeated, do not want to sacrifice their freedom and career, do not want to let a "stranger" into their cozy private world. The leather worker thinks about himself - and the skin eyelid encourages this in every possible way.
The paradox of the situation is that even with the current loyalty of society, many still make the wrong choice. For example, some of those who preach childlessness bitterly regret this in old age. And some of those who gave birth to a child "under pressure" discovers that they are useless parents, and then their whole life is burdened by their children. You can only understand your true purpose and the role of children in your life by understanding yourself as deeply as possible. Without any reservations, such an opportunity today is provided only by Yuri Burlan's training "System-vector psychology".
