How to forgive children so that it doesn't hurt to live
How quickly they will forgive children depends on how much adults are realized in their lives, how balanced their psyche is at this moment in life, and how many hidden childhood traumas are hidden in them. If the parents' resentment is layered on their stressful state, then forgiveness can turn into a punishment for the child.
What methods do adults sometimes use to help children understand the value of the "forgiveness" granted to them?
You have been offended. Mental pain prevents you from thinking about anything else. I would like to stop communicating with the abuser once and for all. Only if these are not your own children, you cannot erase them from your life. How to forgive children - the closest people, their own blood?
In the grip of the past
Tears at times boil in my eyes. A terrible situation, like a worn-out record, is being played over and over again in my head. And somewhere lost a button that turns off the memory.
Before you can learn how to forgive and learn to forgive, you need to understand why people are offended at all.
The training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan refutes the opinion of some psychologists that any of us can be offended from time to time. This is not true. The presence of an anal vector in the psyche of some of us is responsible for the ability to take offense and mentally go through the smallest details of an unpleasant event for years.
It is interesting that this same vector makes a person a better husband or wife, father or mother, a reliable friend, an honest person and the owner of an excellent memory. It is the memory given by nature for the preservation and transfer of knowledge and experience to future generations that allows you to remember all the good and does not allow you to forget all the bad. Therefore, once an offense has arisen, it remains with these people for a long time, displacing joy and satisfaction from life.
Ground for resentment against children
It is important to understand why people born to be better parents may be offended by their own children. Moreover, the age of children can be very different - and five years, and forty-five.
The reason is, explains Yuri Burlan at the training "System-Vector Psychology", that people with an anal vector are adherents of traditions. For generations they preserve family values, respect for elders, recognition of the husband and father as the head of the family. Compliance with moral principles, internal and external purity, the ability to work with hands and honesty - all this allows them to receive respect, honor, gratitude from others.
And their children should be the best in everything: in obedience, study, work, in relation to parents. Mother and father should be proud of their children!
And suddenly, with such correct parents, the child does not study well, hooligan in kindergarten or school, takes other people's things, lies, does not fulfill the requirements of adults, does not respect elders, does not ask for forgiveness for misdeeds, does not bring anything to the end, hands “grow out of the wrong place . This list can be continued, but for parents with an anal vector, the result is the same: pride and self-respect are hurt, ashamed in front of people, there is no reason for pride, the authority of elders is trampled upon, ingratitude oppresses.
The divergence of the innate life values of the owners of the anal vector with the reality that they face as parents leads to a surge of resentment in some of them. If at this stage the parents do not deal with the reasons for their grievances, growing aggression, and sometimes hatred towards their child, then the separation between them will continue to grow, increasing bitterness and suffering in the souls of both parties.
How to forgive children - ways of the offended
What do we do when we are offended? We are waiting for an apology to us. There is a feeling that this is a necessary condition for getting rid of resentment. Therefore, parents believe that the child should understand who is in charge in the house and ask for forgiveness.
How quickly they will forgive children depends on how much adults are realized in their lives, how balanced their psyche is at a given moment in life, and how many hidden childhood traumas are hidden in them. If the parents' resentment is layered on their stressful state, then forgiveness can turn into a punishment for the child.
What methods do adults sometimes use to help children understand the value of the "forgiveness" granted to them?
- A demonstrative long silence, designed to show the full severity of the offense inflicted by the child.
- Constant reproaches for a committed offense in order to cause a feeling of guilt and a desire to atone for it.
- Setting various conditions (forgive me, if you clean your room, get only A's tomorrow, eat porridge in the morning) in exchange for forgiveness.
Such attempts by adults to “sell indulgences” to a child as “dearly as possible” are actually nothing more than emotional blackmail, manipulations, sometimes reaching verbal sadism.
What does the punishment of forgiveness lead to?
Since all children are different, with their own individual mental structure, they have different attitudes towards the need to receive forgiveness. Some sincerely repent, are tormented by a sense of guilt and, afraid of losing the love of their parents, over and over again with tears ask for forgiveness. Others, who themselves are not familiar with the feeling of resentment, understand over time that it is easier to lie right away, to wriggle out, to shift the blame onto someone else, to ask for forgiveness and to fulfill all the requirements set so as not to delay the process of reconciliation.
Still others do not recognize anyone's authority at all. And excessive pressure and punishment in order to show the superiority of parents over them, to achieve a request for forgiveness can lead to the escape of such children from home. In any case, the process of forgiving a child, stretched out in time and furnished with all sorts of conditions, traumatizes the child's psyche.
At the training "System-Vector Psychology" Yuri Burlan clearly demonstrates what changes in a child's personality traits, his priorities and life role can be caused by ignorance of how to forgive correctly.
A liar grows out of a child, ordained by nature for the role of lawmaker. From the future creator of beauty - a man woven from fears. A potential head of state or leader of a movement becomes the leader of the gang. From the unhurried future of a high-class specialist and a caring family man, it turns out a sofa sitter, who is offended by his beloved mother and everyone around him, unable to make a decision.
Resentment against adult children
If parents did not learn to get rid of resentment while the children were young, then resentment will grow with the children. Children have grown up, and their parents' expectations have grown. After all, so much effort, time and money was invested in them, sometimes to the detriment of their interests!
Parents expect gratitude, reciprocal care, but children take parental "investments" in them as self-evident things that do not require daily gratitude. This is how life works. After all, babies are not born on their own.
It becomes even more noticeable that children live by completely different interests, they are guided by other life values, sometimes opposite to those of their parents. Life itself dictates a different pace, different goals, different ways to achieve them. The anal vector does not allow parents to correspond to the trends of the times. Marriage, family, morality seem to have dissolved in the bacchanalia of modern morals. If earlier the family served as a fortress for the parents, today it is difficult to bring everyone together under one roof.
The mother is offended that her weekly family meals are sacrificed for the children's trips to cafes and restaurants. You won't be interrogated to go to the summer cottage, and they do not refuse a bucket of berries, taking it for granted. And how the mother dragged everything on herself, they are not interested: "Don't go, there will be time, let's go all together!" And when do they have it?
The father is irritated by the sons' inability and unwillingness to do everything in the house with their own hands. So they strive to throw money down the drain, inviting an outsider instead of the father to do the repair work. Let the father do everything slowly, but for centuries! And all of them are in a hurry somewhere.
They have no time to visit their parents, they “work”. What kind of work is it - they point fingers at the buttons of their computer or drive around the city from office to office, conversations talk. Here before: you will pass through the entrance, everyone greets you, in the evening your hands are buzzing, but your soul sings - the plan was fulfilled.
And the daughter, who, instead of knowing her place next to the children, behind her husband's back, is in no hurry to build a family. Having fun with one or the other - it's a shame to look neighbors in the eyes! It's a shame that you can't even teach with a belt, otherwise you would pull your legs out so that you don't wander around in your short skirt wherever you get!
What is left to do when resentment towards children is choking? Parents turn into critics, reviling everyone they saw on TV in the morning, met at the counter in the store, who rushed past in a brand new car. They hide their grudge against children behind constant grumbling about their clothes, work, raising grandchildren, choosing a place of rest. Parents do not understand that, with their endless teachings of adults, their sons and daughters are already pushing them away from themselves, depriving them of the desire to visit more often, to spend more time together.
How to get out of the vicious circle, inside which the grievances of the elders against the younger are imposingly located?
How to forgive and let go
Recognizing the destructive role of resentment for a person's personality, psychologists recommend realizing the existence of a problem and letting it go as soon as possible. To do this, it is proposed to understand what exactly caused the offense, and whether it affects the mood and well-being of the offended. The next step is to put yourself in the shoes of the offender and try to understand why he did this. And as if in his place the offended himself would act in this situation.
Psychologists are right when they say that no one is obliged to live up to our expectations and plans for him. Although this is exactly what parents demand from their children. And not getting what you want is often a breeding ground for resentment.
It is impossible to control other people's actions and thoughts, but you can always do this in relation to your own. Therefore, we must admit our responsibility as one of the participants in an unpleasant situation. Forgive both yourself and the abuser, so that you no longer return to this traumatic situation, allow yourself to be happy and move on.
Everything seems clear and simple. However, the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan reveals that the advice of psychologists to put oneself in the place of another person and understand his act is not only useless, but even harmful. The reason for this lies in the differences in the structure of the psyche of people with different vectors.
People, endowed, depending on the vectors, with certain properties, temperament, worldview, judge others through their natural qualities and life priorities.
And when a person puts himself in the shoes of the offender, he again judges the situation from his bell tower and does not understand at all how he could have acted differently. Of course, he has no excuse for the "offender", and, therefore, no reason to make peace with him.
Therefore, it would be more correct to offer to look at what happened through the eyes of the offender. In our case, a child. To do this, each parent must understand exactly how his child sees, thinks, feels, know what vectors determine his psyche. Only in this case it will be possible to understand what caused the child's behavior, why he acted this way and not otherwise.
Thinking about "how you would act in his place" does not make sense at all. After all, it is the discrepancy between the child's action and what the parent would have done that conceals the cause of the resentment that has arisen.
How to forgive and not be offended
The training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan offers a completely different solution to the question of how to learn to forgive.
In order to stop sitting and waiting for everyone around to feel your resentment and start running around in deepest remorse, you must understand that this long-awaited moment may never come. Not because people are cruel. It's just because they don't know how they offended you. And life has already passed, and you did not have time to enjoy it, did not have time to please your loved ones with your love.
To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to truly understand the mechanism of the occurrence of resentment against a child, and in relation to any person.
Acquaintance with system-vector psychology allows you to learn how to determine the vectors responsible for the psyche of both the parent himself and the children. And this, in turn, makes it possible to find out the differences between the psyche of the parent and the child. To understand what drives both of them, why they react differently to the same event and act differently in the same circumstances.
Here, many parents are in for a not very pleasant discovery: they will have to learn about numerous mistakes in the process of raising their child. About how cruel and unjust were the behavior, words, demands in relation to him. The resulting feeling of guilt towards children, young or already large, is not so dangerous. It will allow you to look at today's children's behavior in a new way, will help you to truly understand and find an excuse. Will give the opportunity to forgive children.
And ask them for forgiveness for yourself because of the mistakes you made in life.
Understanding your previously hidden psyche will help you to forgive yourself for the time you lost on grievances. An indescribable feeling of liberation from chronic addiction called "OFFENSE" will change both the internal and external appearance of a person.
Many people who completed the free online training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan, not only forgave their children, but also got an excellent skill not to be offended by people.
So that you never have to face the question of how to learn to forgive insults, so that your children do not enter life with grudges against you or other people, so that the purpose of life does not become hatching plans of revenge on offenders … online training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan. Register using the link.
