Diary of a boy not grown up, or Where to get a diploma of adulthood
I am 29. I hold in my hands my personal diary, in which, as a 13-year-old boy, I wrote: "When I grow up, I will become an ADULT." The time has come to notice the reality of reality, to stop hoping and expecting that a reasonable, unmistakable, and most importantly, responsible adult life will begin on Monday …
He so wanted to be an adult that
he quickly grew old.
Without having time to grow up.
Absurdism
I am 29 years old. I am already two times older than that 13-year-old boy who began his personal diary with the words “When I grow up…”. In search of an old thing, I climbed onto the mezzanine and pulled out a dusty, shabby suitcase. A diary was hidden among school textbooks, geographical maps, and the first school notebooks. An ordinary general notebook of 42 sheets with bent and yellowed corners, in which my secret teenage desires and reflections were hidden.
I was holding a piece of the past in my hands and felt a strange feeling of awkwardness, and maybe even shame in front of that boy, once full of expectations of a beginning life.
It was difficult to return to that time. Memory repelled, resisted, leaving memories in a hazy haze. And yet, some episodes broke through.
A table littered with sailboat model details. It seems that the hands still feel the stickiness of the glue, the fragility of small parts, the roughness of the ropes, the relief of nautical knots that he could knit with his eyes closed. And the sudden rush of air from the opened door.
- Sleep fast! You play again, it would be better if you learn English! It will come in handy in your life, believe your mother!
And this is after the 9th grade. When classmates lived noisily and cheerfully in a labor camp outside the city, I went to my grandfather's dacha. How I dreamed of harvesting, participating in contests and competitions, singing songs by the fire and baking potatoes with the guys … Instead, after my mother's: “Do, as they say, there is nothing to wander about in any camps, help grandfather!” - I was leaving the city.
There were, of course, their own joys in the country. I loved talking to my grandfather. Once I told him that I was looking forward to the time when, looking back, I realize that I have finally grown wiser, but for now I feel like a fool and a cretin. Grandfather then laughed and said that he still hopes to grow wiser.
I'm 16, and an act that brought a lot of screams and tears. I just figured I was old enough to lock myself in my room.
- Don't you dare lock yourself! Grow up and do what you want!
Here is the graduation behind and the long-awaited award for excellent studies - a trip to Klaipeda for the weekend. With parents.
I imagined moored ships, smoking chimneys, a sailing ship timidly docked at the pier, the bustle of sailors on deck, as if I heard the low farewell whistle of a departing steamer and the creaky sound of a harbor crane swinging its boom like a man who always says no. I was looking forward to the salty taste of the spray and the strong wind forcing me to go against it.
I saw the port only from afar. My parents planned everything themselves, without taking into account my wishes. Inspection of the old town, clock museum, blacksmith's museum and shops. In one of them, where amber items were sold, my mother lingered for a long time, looking at a collection of stones with different insects: “Slavik, Slavik, have you seen this? Have you seen this? We passed from a magnifying glass to a magnifying glass, and I directly felt, as once, many thousands of years ago, these insects were dying, falling into a viscous pine resin. At that moment I felt like the same insect.
Receipt. I wanted to, or maybe I didn't want to … I went to the economic one, as my mother wanted. The parents threw a party for the occasion. Everyone congratulated me, my mother and father. I remember a conversation at the table with my uncle: "You know, when I grow up …" I remember his surprised eyes:
- Where else would you grow? You are already quite big …
I am 29. I hold in my hands my personal diary, in which, as a 13-year-old boy, I wrote: "When I grow up, I will become an ADULT."
Large, but still not an adult. Behind the university and diploma, several years of work in the company. I understand that automatically, over the years, adulthood does not appear, no matter how many diplomas I receive. They do not issue diplomas about growing up. This is confirmed by something else.
Maturity - how do you know?
We recognize ripe strawberries, plums, apples right away. It is enough to look at the plant and determine the degree of its development. Physical, for it is external. But the maturity of a physically adult person for us at first sight is a mystery. Because real maturity is internal, which manifests itself in the external - in the actions of a person. Inside each of us is like a huge field of ripening strawberries, where each berry is a desire, a need. An adult defines, understands that property, that desire that wants to be embodied and, “picking a ripe berry”, decides what to do - to implement it now, “put it in the freezer”, putting it aside for a suitable time, or throw it away, noticing the beginning of rotting. That is, the desire may not correspond to the value orientations of a person, and he is able to refuse it.
This is what is called choice. The ability to make decisions based on the experience gained in life, make decisions and act independently is one of the indicators of adulthood. In action, in action, a person grows up. This leads him to the result, to the receipt and accumulation of his next life experience, to the formation of individuality.
Experience and mistakes
This experience is accumulated by the child primarily in the family, where he learns to choose and make the first independent decisions. The attitude of parents to life, their ways of solving problems, their views on upbringing are very important for self-determination, for the development and maturation of a child as a person.
One of the mistakes parents make in raising independence is over-concern, in which the child's initiatives are actively suppressed, and he adapts to the demands because of the fear of being rejected, unworthy of parental love and attention. As a result, the process of growing up freezes: interest, curiosity in life and in knowing oneself disappears, the ability to draw conclusions from one's own and others' mistakes decreases, moral, moral guidelines are lost, and good intentions quickly disappear.
Formation of internal supports and landmarks
Imagine a sailboat model assembled from a ready-made set of parts. Dip it into the river. How quickly do wooden parts stick and swell from water? How long will the ship, given to the will of waves and wind, last? So a child - without internal guidelines, self-management, self-control, own decisions and choices - will “unstuck” and lose self-control at the slightest failure.
Experiencing failures, failure to fulfill some desires, situations of disappointment is learning to live in the real world, to cope with problems and obstacles. This is how the internal supports are formed. And this is a gradual process. The child must go through a number of negative situations, he must get the experience himself and form his own reaction, must receive an understanding from the inside, and not a parental interpretation.
It is very important for him to understand what he wants himself, to feel his independence - to stand on his own, not to lose heart, not to complain, not to give up in front of difficulties. Because every desire is a bundle of energy, it is an arrow ready to head towards the goal. And if you stop your desires, your vital energy, do not realize the born inner strength, then the strawberry field will wither, the fruits will dry up and there will be less and less of them.
It is possible to revive the "field of desires" only by conscious actions. Step by step, try after try. Not giving up … Each fulfilled desire is a movement forward, it means that new desires will ripen on the field, their own needs will be realized. An understanding will come that you yourself are responsible for fulfilling your desires, and then the personality will mature and develop, a core, support will appear, new thoughts and plans will be born.
I am 29 years old, and I have forgotten how to hear my desires. When did it start?
When, due to parental prohibitions, he abandoned his hobby …
When I stopped understanding what was good for me and what was bad, and checked my parent's opinion …
When even from a minor trouble he gave up and felt his powerlessness and helplessness …
When I wanted independence, and my mother still wanted to take care of me, I could not bear the conflicts, got tired of screaming and arguments and gave up …
When he agreed to get an unloved profession …
I'm 29. It's time to notice the reality of reality, to stop hoping and expecting that a judicious, unmistakable, and most importantly, responsible adult life will begin on Monday.
Therefore, I signed up for free lectures of the training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
I have a lot to do in my life. Having raised the sails of my moored sailboat, I will find what I love to do, meet my girlfriend, and make many friends.
