The history of one systemic education
When you understand that you don't understand anything …
In matters of motherhood, for me there has always been the main golden mean between overprotection and frank detachment from the upbringing process. Due to my own psychological characteristics in the pre-systemic period, I was carried alternately to one extreme, then to the other. I didn’t feel the close connection with the child that I wanted. More and more often situations came up when I simply did not know what to do, how to behave, how to react.
Medical education, a ton of psychological literature, modern methods of early development, mastered before the birth of a child, created only one thing - the effect of grief from the mind.
The long-awaited and so desired child seemed like a strange creature with inexplicable desires and incomprehensible actions. Thoughts arose in my head that, perhaps, it was simply not given to me to be a good mother, because I do not understand how to raise her correctly.
Today I could rush after my daughter with a bowl of soup all day, at the same time arranging a puppet show and drawing on my palms. But tomorrow (now I understand why) I was ready to leave her for the whole day in front of cartoons / tablets / phones, so long as no one touched me, did not expect fun games or joyful walks. The best pastime for me was sleep, and I slept with the child, throwing away household chores and planned events.
Such fluctuations ended with feelings of guilt, a state of uncertainty, self-disappointment, and a growing sense of hopelessness.
Pink dreams of the happiness of motherhood were smashed to smithereens against the wall of incomprehension of neither the child nor herself.
Three years have passed.
System-vector psychology, applied, acting, life, has come into our life. The new thinking turned my entire education system upside down. The obviousness of psychological mechanisms was simply amazing. How could I lead a child with a visual vector to Kolobok ?! Or how can you expect a joyful participation from a sound girl in a thundering New Year's party ?!
Now I see my daughter and myself as if through and through. I clearly understand what happened then, and how we live today, how many mistakes were made and at the same time, accidentally correct decisions were made. Raising at random, through “valuable” advice from grandmothers, neighbors, girlfriends, or “how I was raised” has the same chance of success as winning the lottery - it may work, but most likely not.
If then there was a treacherous idea that perhaps it would be better for my daughter if she was raised by her grandmother, who was always and in everything resolutely confident and at any moment was ready to give me advice on any area of life.
Now, every minute spent with my daughter is a pleasure for me. There is nothing more enjoyable than watching this growing personality emerge - predictable, expected, but at the same time amazing and delightful.
My homely, extremely mother's, shy, indecisive and fearful girl would never have gone to kindergarten for anything if I hadn’t learned in due time the true, systemic meaning of primary socialization for a child.
I would probably still run after her, blocking her from pushing children, barking dogs, thorny bushes or high steps.
I simply would not have been able to tear it, tear-stained and endlessly repeating "mom-mom", from my neck to pass it on to the teacher, if I was not completely sure how important it is for her, necessary and useful. I could not stand the morning tantrums, pleas, manipulations. One or two days would have been enough for my complete surrender, had I not had a persistent reasonable confidence in my righteousness and a clear mechanism for responding to a child's tantrum.
Yes, I would consider myself a good mother, raising a child at home and explaining this to myself by the fact that my girl is too sensitive, she is very gentle, delicate nature, that you still need to wait a year or two, and preferably before school. My decision would be approved by everyone around, throwing gossip about terrible conditions in kindergartens, high morbidity, or violent fighting children.
Just the right turn …
But! I would never have seen how my girl, my greenhouse flower (!), Can stand up for herself, is able to find her place in any children's company, knows how to come up with an interesting game and organize everyone, even the elders, children in the yard, meet and find a common language with new kids. I would never have thought that my home baby is a very open, sociable and inquisitive girl who easily and naturally asks adults questions about what she is interested in and what she wants to know.
And when I, in complete despair and panic, ran around the mall, my daughter calmly walked up to the store employee and told her name, age, surname, explained that she was lost, and asked for help.
At 3.5 years old, when the younger sister was born, the older daughter was already able to realize that this little lump now needs her mother more than she does. Such a change in general became possible only because I learned the meaning of the emotional connection between the child and the mother.
Initially, her love for her sister is completely unconditional and boundless, they can swear at home over a toy, but the eldest will always follow the younger mountain, always protect and protect, the younger trusts her sister more than anyone else, loves and misses when they part even for a day.
Now I cannot imagine my life without these two girls, but if I had not figured out my own psychological problems and characteristics, I would not have dared to have a second child. It would be too much of a challenge for me.
Looking back, I remember how much we managed to overcome solely thanks to systemic education. A period of stuttering, hysteria, fear of the dark, stubbornness, self-isolation and a million other small and large problems of early childhood.
And now I, a mom who survived postpartum depression, are expecting a third baby. With joy and anticipation. After all, nothing can be more interesting, exciting, joyful and easier than raising your children!
