How easy it is to be far away. Difficulties of living together
How nice it was to live separately, meeting only occasionally and rejoicing in every moment spent together. Everything was simple and straightforward. Strange habits seemed like cute features and said goodbye right there.
Why does everything change when a common way of life appears? The same habits cause completely different emotions: “he doesn't love me”, “she doesn't respect me”, “he does it to spite me”, “she doesn't try for me”. What does our behavior in everyday life say?
Tights under the bed, sweater on a chair, coat on the closet door, bag under the kitchen table … She never knows what is where. Constantly loses keys, gloves, phones. I haven't heard of document covers. Money in all pockets. My requests to put everything in its place remain … my requests. Is it really that hard? Then she herself cannot find anything. How can you lose your hat? Well, how ?! I do not understand. And I don't want to be a secretary, a janitor and an archivist at the same time anymore. I'm tired of ordering her life. This is a thankless job. Unpromising and endless.
He became unbearable. His constant nagging annoys me. Either the dust on the closet interferes with his life, now the only visible spot on his shirt haunts him, then the banks in the closet are not systematized by date … You can go crazy! Who cares how my things are in the closet? They are mine! What is his business? He washes the floors himself, because, you see, I have a different idea of clean floors! He spends half a day on it. I can't stand it and leave home at this time. His endless home-made kefirs with yoghurts will either ferment or not oxidize … I can't take it anymore. Half his life is spent on the war with dust and putting things in order where no one will see it. I'm tired.
Household mutual intolerance
Often it is the common everyday life that reveals new facets of each other for us. And it is very difficult when these facets do not find a response in the soul of another person.
How nice it was to live separately, meeting only occasionally and rejoicing in every moment spent together. Everything was simple and straightforward. Strange habits seemed like cute features and said goodbye right there.
Why does everything change when a common way of life appears? The same habits cause completely different emotions: “he doesn't love me”, “she doesn't respect me”, “he does it to spite me”, “she doesn't try for me”.
Our views on the management of the economy and the organization of life may be diametrically opposed. Every day, we again and again stumble upon another world, and this collision often causes negative feelings in one and the other partner.
With each passing day, irritation builds up, splashing out once into a big quarrel. Such moments undermine the strongest relationships, depriving them of any perspective. The lack of understanding in the little things gradually moves us apart from each other, tearing one at a time the threads that tie the two together. In the end, we complain that “the boat of love has crashed into everyday life” or “we are simply too different,” and with lowered hands, we suffer, but we say goodbye to relationships.
Why do people so different in their habits initially find each other? What does our behavior in everyday life say? Is there a chance to overcome everyday "incompatibility" and keep the relationship? We understand with the help of System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Fortune telling in the family thick, or what the socks are talking about
Everyday habits of each of us are the same manifestation of our innate psychological properties as the choice of a profession or outlook on family life.
Behavior in everyday life is one of the facets of our character, but the most natural, since at home, in a familiar environment, on our own territory, we behave at ease and manifest ourselves as we are.
This means that everyday habits can serve as an excellent guideline for determining the vector set of any person. And this, in turn, forms a holistic view of your partner's personality.
For example, the notorious scattered socks are often combined with business trips, several jobs, a short memory for events not related to work, the ability to benefit and benefit from everything, and so on. All this indicates the presence of a skin vector, the properties of which manifest themselves in everything from food preferences to sexual fantasies.
Understanding the essence of the skin vector defines a completely new way of looking at your partner. You realize that logical thinking and a subconscious desire to save in everything does not allow him to spend all day on general cleaning of the apartment. This is a manifestation of the innate properties of the psyche, and not in any way a desire to annoy you.
The leatherworker scatters his belongings not because he does not like cleanliness and order, but because it is not a priority for him. It is much more important for him to answer an important call than to carry the jacket to the closet.
Skin love of novelty manifests itself in frequent business trips, changes of jobs, residence, new acquaintances and impressions. A systemically savvy spouse will never miss the opportunity to go on a trip with her husband, and the novelty factor will certainly make her a hobbyhorse in intimate relationships.
An addiction to order, special attention to detail and the need to bring all their beginnings to the end are inherent in a person with an anal vector. His remarks or even criticism are due to subconscious perfectionism, and not in any way annoying pickiness or a desire to humiliate you (unless, of course, he is frustrated). He is sure that everyone around him, just like him, should want everything to be perfect. And it doesn't matter for him how much time and effort it takes. Cleaning without washing windows is not cleaning, and washing without changing the bed linen is not washing.
Skin order is when all his belongings are at hand. Anal order is when all his things are in their places.
The analytical mind of a person with an anal vector automatically organizes any objects - by purpose, shape, size, frequency of use or date of manufacture. For such an owner, each screw in the bottomless garage lies in its place in a separate box on the corresponding shelf. And an unevenly hanging picture causes discomfort.
The priority is adherence to traditions, loyalty to the family, cleanliness, the truth, which gives rise to swan loyalty. Consistency in everything and the conviction of oneself in the rightness provide the basis for responsibility for the family. A systemically thinking wife will never openly go into conflict or argue with her husband, she will never question his authority in the eyes of others. And thereby it will help to reach a compromise, realizing that the interests of the family are above all for such a spouse.
How did we end up together?
Agree that no domestic disagreements would arise if people with similar outlooks on life were in a pair. It would be a pleasure to exist in the same territory - complete mutual understanding and no divorces on domestic grounds.
How does it happen that people converge with a diametrically opposite worldview? The secret is in the psychology of pair relationships. Natural attraction arises between vectors of different partners, which together form a single whole, complementing each other in properties.
So, partners with cutaneous and anal vectors choose each other, and the urethral man likes the cutaneous-visual lady more. You can learn more about all the nuances of the formation of natural pairs at the training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Initially, we, so different, are pushed to each other by the force of attraction - the most ancient way to unite a man and a woman for the only purpose - the continuation of the human race. This bond keeps us together for up to three years.
Over the millennia, we have developed, the volume of our psyche has increased, and we have learned to form connections with each other on a different, more complex level - emotional, intellectual, spiritual. It is connections of this nature that are strong enough and can provide a long-term pair union of two completely psychologically different personalities.
You can't come to visit
Some may ask, why spoil relations with such mundane issues as organizing a common life, household, budget?.. After all, you can take only the cream of life from life, coming to visit and returning to your territory. You don't have to "grind" to each other, avoid sharp corners and solve problematic issues. There will be no unnecessary reasons for quarrels, stupid claims that you did not take out the trash or did not cook dinner.
Can. And this is very popular today.
But what does such a relationship give partners? Feeling temporary fun instead of being confident about the future. Infantile desire to “take” instead of the adult desire to “give”. Timid attempts to find oneself in this life instead of a full-fledged feeling of fulfillment to the full extent of one's potential.
Living at a distance is easy because it requires less effort from us. There is no need to look for ways of interaction. Any household "inconsistencies" can be tolerated for a couple of days. But this temporality is not a real relationship, it is a guest. They don't give us everything they could. Learning to live together is another brick in building a strong relationship, another reason for a frank conversation, another point that requires effort on both sides.
When we enter into a serious relationship with all the obligations that follow from this, we declare to society that we are able to take place in this life. Thus, we confirm that we have developed to a level where we can take responsibility for another person, when we are ready for a life of a completely different quality, ready for the privilege of being spouses, being parents, being one with someone else besides ourselves. … This is our step forward, victory over ourselves, the conquest of a new peak.
System-vector psychology does not provide handicraft recipes for solving everyday problems. Thinking in systemic categories provides for a more cardinal approach: understanding a partner at a level where such problems simply do not arise, because scattered socks are a high salary, and the requirement for a white tablecloth is swan loyalty. When you begin to understand what mental features are behind your partner's actions, it is not irritation that arises, but acceptance and tenderness, the desire to please him without any violence against himself.
Here's what the trainees say about changes in family relationships:
Household habits are a map of your partner's personality. Come to the training and you will receive a guidebook. Register for the next free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan by the link.
