"Caring" emotional blackmail. What is my mom missing?
Your tone becomes dry and restrained. Realizing that your childhood and school years are long over, you rudely answer with memorized phrases of the same type: “Mom, that's it … Enough, I'm tired of listening to lectures and interrogations. I know all this, I have grown up already, I have no time now. I'm busy …
Our families are tormented by quarrels, squabbles, Their seething stream is inexhaustible, We do not forgive the children for the vices
that we ourselves instill in them.
E. Sevrus
Work time. Immersed in your thoughts, you do your business. Phone ring. The inscription on the display: "Mom". Time stands still in painful meditation. You don’t want to take a call with all your heart: “Oh, my God, but not now, I’m busy, I have a lot of work” … Before you realize all this, reluctantly, as if something is stopping, you pick up the phone.
“Hello,” Mom says clearly in a teacher's tone.
Next, a pile of metal falls into your ear, tearing your nerves, phrases:
- Where are you?
- Are you at work already?
- What are you doing now?
- Why haven't you had lunch yet?
- You're lightly dressed, and it's cold outside, isn't it?
- What time are you coming home?
- Did your daughter go to school? Did you swim for the night yesterday? Was her nails cut off? Have you washed your head twice? Did she change her underwear this morning?
The first minutes you answer clearly, trying to restrain yourself. You formulate and give answers according to the pattern. And then you get new questions in which you hear a restless tone, caused by anxiety about your life, about your daily routine and wrong behavior with your child. All this knocks you off balance, starts to annoy.
This can be compared to the fact that you are guilty and stand near the blackboard, blushing for an unlearned lesson, in front of a strict teacher who always knows how best and what to do. And somehow you find words to justify yourself, say lengthy phrases and bow your head guiltily. You turn from a manager who just organized the work process, led a group of people, into a helpless student who responds with a guilty voice.
The next moment it switches you over, and you explode, unable to withstand the indignation that has grown from within. Your tone becomes dry and restrained. Realizing that your childhood and school years are long over, you rudely answer with memorized phrases of the same type: “Mom, that's it … Enough, I'm tired of listening to lectures and interrogations. I know all this, I have grown up already, I have no time now. I'm busy"
In response, a new wave of inquiries and "oohs" begins, which is replaced by another, with an even greater emotional amplitude …
- When this is over, such an attitude towards me, because I live only for you?
- If you don’t call, you’re always busy as a professor!
- Am I trying for myself? After all, I'm worried about you.
- You have no respect for your parents, all my life I live not for myself, for you. I tolerate your father, everything is only for you.
Words give way to tears, you hear sobbing, a displeased, tear-stained voice finally says: "That's it, come on … I can't speak now, I'll calm down, then I'll call you back." The dialogue with your mother is cut off by short beeps that give off pain in you.
Not understanding why this happens every time, you begin to analyze this situation anew. The more you think about it, the more clearly you begin to feel a heavy feeling of guilt that speaks to you, scolds you. Bitterly realizing your mistakes, you promise yourself that this will not happen again. After all, mom is the most beloved and closest person whom you have not yet breathed and whom you love with all your heart. But something always goes wrong in your communication. And where is the line beyond which this nightmare begins, you cannot understand.
Added to this is the fear for her health. What if something happens to her because of her worries and tears after your words? How to live with this thought later, what to do? After all, you do not want to harm your most beloved person. But even realizing this, you cannot resist, although you give yourself a thousand promises to be kept.
A short time passes and everything repeats: your dialogue always ends with tears or discontent. And even if everything goes smoothly for several days, you will regularly answer her questions, each time picking up the phone, all the same, after a while you will not hold back and all the above feelings will rush with renewed vigor …
Why does a mother try to control the life of an adult daughter, why does she devote her thoughts, feelings, all her life to children who, by age and position, do not need this? Let's consider this situation, taking advantage of the latest achievements of psychology, from the side of the system-vector psychologist Yuri Burlan.
When a bird is born to a fish
The first thing worth noting is that we are all different, we have children who may characteristically differ from us in behavior, desires and have completely different properties and priorities in relations with others. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan calls such innate features vectors.
In a word, a vector is a set of innate mental properties that determine a person's abilities, value system and manner of behavior. There are eight vectors in total. A modern person generally has 3-5 vectors. Each vector sets its own potential, which must be developed in childhood and realized throughout life.
Mom in our story is a vivid example of the anal-visual ligament of vectors.
If we talk about the owners of the anal vector, then I must say the following: they are the owners of good memory, they relate in detail to everything, from putting things on the shelves to collecting and analyzing information, they are thorough in everything. This makes them the best students and excellent students in their childhood. And in adulthood - the best teachers and professionals in their field.
Caring is our earthly compass
Family is the main value for the owners of the anal vector. Women with an anal vector are the best moms in the world. They always know what is best for the child, when to feed him, what shirt to wear. The house of such women is always cleaned, dinner is prepared, the children are fed, and their clothes are ironed. They carefully put everything in its place, analyze every detail, especially in raising a child.
For them, any trifle seeming to others is not a trifle at all. For example, such mothers think over their responsibilities for the whole day: where to take the child, what to cook for her husband, try to please the household even by preparing different dishes for lunch. Always enveloping with care, such mothers are there in any situation.
Their psyche is focused on the past. Any changes and changes in life for the owners of the anal vector is stress. Looking at photos with children's photographs, they invariably recall stories from the past, which gives them a little filling, a short pleasure.
Letting you go from home to adulthood, these mothers find it difficult to get used to the idea that you have already become adults and it is time to let you go.
As Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology explains, any volume of innate properties requires constant implementation. If such mothers have raised children or retired ahead of time, or maybe they just stayed in an empty house when you went to study, they lose the point of application of their innate properties. By continuing to patronize you, they try to make up for the lack of this realization.
The second component of the problem of overprotection is the visual vector.
Do you love me?
People with a visual vector are said to be open-minded, dreamy and sentimental. But the main difference between them is that these people are naturally endowed with the greatest emotional amplitude.
The root emotion of the visual vector is the fear of death. By acquiring the skill to bring fear outward, it is the spectators who are the first to create emotional connections with other people. Correctly developing their emotionality in childhood, spectators grow up to be empathetic, sympathetic people. And realizing themselves in adulthood, they create a culture, reduce hostility in society. These are people of creative professions who make our world brighter and warmer, bring kindness and bright feelings into our life.
Not realizing their emotional potential in the right direction, the owners of the visual vector begin to experience painful experiences. Like fears, emotional swings and tantrums. In the anal-visual ligament of vectors, a feeling of anxiety is born - as a mixture of fear of an unknown future with an emotional swing on this topic. This leads to winding up problems, far-fetched images, pictures and excessive custody of family members.
So instead of caring and love, we get “caring” emotional blackmail. And we see a picture of how the mother draws attention to herself through the provocation of emotional scenes, and when she does not achieve the desired result, she ends the dialogue with the help of anal reproach (seeks to evoke a feeling of guilt) and visual blackmail (she scares that something will happen to her now).
We are so different, but we are together
When a person tries to get away from painful thoughts and hide behind invented chores, this always leads to a negative scenario, and even has a detrimental effect on his health, on relationships with close and dear people. The attention received by force will never give you in return great love and understanding of loved ones. And on the contrary, it will, like a destructive force, carry away all connections, create an abyss in relationships and move away from each other over time. It will bring frustration and pain on both sides.
By understanding the reasons for your mother's behavior, by focusing and understanding her through the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, you will be able to look at her for the first time without irritation. Hundreds of our listeners write about such results:
I left home when I was 19 years old. All these years I have had a difficult relationship with my family. There are a lot of grievances, complaints, misunderstandings. After every trip to my parents, I fell into severe depression.
After training on SVP, a blank wall between us collapsed. I began to understand, just to see right through my parents, the reasons for their behavior became clear to me. I feel their states. We learned to talk, and most importantly, to hear each other. On my part, all the insults were gone. Parents began to listen to my advice, we now communicate every day. I was even able to convince them to renovate and change furniture !!! Previously, it seemed completely unreal))).
Elena S., accountant
Odessa Read the full text of the result In general, I have not lived with my parents for 6 years, but always, when I came to them for a day or two, I counted the hours until I left. Irritation, tense atmosphere, such a difficult condition was that it is difficult to convey in words. Since childhood, it somehow happened that we were afraid of our father in the family, and already in adulthood there is no fear, as such, but some kind of unpleasant condition. There is nothing to talk about, nothing to discuss, there are no general topics for conversation, although he tries, but these attempts create an even more awkward situation. In general, being in the parental home is one torment, even a couple of days a month is hard. But this is in the past. Yesterday I arrived from them, stayed for 2 days, for the first time did not notice how time passed. There is no that tension, tightness, desire to jump out of the chair, at the sound of his steps)) Alena N., copywriter
Chisinau Read full result text
And then - further in your power to help find realization for your loved one, a new hobby and favorite business from which he will get maximum pleasure. Go for it!
To find out more, come to our classes. On them you will learn a lot not only about your mother, but also about yourself, your husbands, wives, children and loved ones. Sign up for free online SVP lectures here:
