Resentment - giving up life
A person for whom balance as a horizontal line is the foundation on which all mental properties grow, among his priorities are straightforwardness, honesty and decency are the most strongly and distinctly able to feel offense. Justice for him is equal.
Why are we offended? Why are we offended? Why am I so touchy? Why is there so much injustice around? Someday they will understand, they will remember, they will appreciate and very much regret that they have offended me!
What is resentment?
Resentment is the subjective feeling of imbalance in a give-take relationship.
Who gets hurt
A person for whom balance as a horizontal line is the foundation on which all mental properties grow is the most powerful and distinctly capable of feeling offense. A person who prioritizes straightforwardness, honesty and decency. Justice for him is equal.
Equally share both feelings and actions: "As it comes around, it will respond," as well as material: "A crust of bread - and that in half." Wanting to get pleasure from people, we show them the actions that we want to get for ourselves.
And the biggest mistake is that when we do something for others, we expect the same action in response - we do not ask, but wait. Such an expectation accumulates a feeling of emptiness, lack: “I am for you with all my heart, and you … did not guess what I want! Here I will be offended - then you will know! The balance is subjectively disturbed.
Gannushkin, Lichko and Leonhard called people of this type epileptoids. Freud, in his clinical observations, defined them as people with an anal character. In system-vector psychology, the anal character is called the anal vector, only now this concept is not in itself, but is included in the system of social interaction and therefore carries a large volume that qualitatively complements simple descriptive characteristics.
Formation of resentment
People with an anal vector have a special bond with their mother. They are very loyal to their mother, obedient and diligent. Often they carry a special attitude towards her throughout their lives. Their attitude is best expressed by the phrase: “Mother is sacred”. Having the greatest aspirations for the mother, the anal child directs his greatest expectations to her.
For the first time, a child has a resentment against his mother when he expects desire from her to be fulfilled and, not receiving it, experiences anger. Anger at the mother is prohibited, since aggression involves parting with the object of anger. And the child is not yet able to ensure his independent survival, he is very much dependent on the mother. But there is aggression. Manifesting it to a greater or lesser extent, the child receives from the mother additional confirmation that it is impossible to be angry with the mother. The anal child will not show anger towards the mother, because the mother is sacred! The root of resentment is a combination of helplessness and suppressed anger. And then the anger is directed at oneself or at the weaker one (younger siblings, animals).
In essence, resentment can be viewed as suppressed anger that is not directed at the addressee. It is repressed and manifests itself in sadistic aspirations. The child first shows aggression towards inanimate objects - he can tear clothes or break things. Subsequently, it shows aggression towards plant nature - it breaks trees, tramples flowers. Then he begins to torture living beings: he begins with insects, tears off his paws and lets go, then he tortures animals, and later people.
There may be another option, when anger is directed at itself: it does not find a way out as a projection and is forced into the body, manifesting itself as psychosomatic diseases. These can be headaches, chronic sinusitis, stiffness in the body in the form of muscle tension and heaviness in the neck and shoulder girdle. "Heavy load of resentment" chokes with a lump in the throat, does not allow breathing. Or the manifestation of auto-aggression, suicidal tendencies.
Once born, resentment accumulates and spreads to partners, traitorous friends, cheating colleagues, and own children. Hatred and mistrust of the world is growing.
The world turned its back on me. Or have I turned my back on the world?
Resentment manifests itself in inaction. Shackles any activity. “Why do something, no one will appreciate it, anyway, will not be given justice?”
Carrying resentment in his soul, a person closes in a shell of distrust and says that the world has turned its back on him. The person takes a wait-and-see attitude in the hope that his offender will crawl on his knees and beg for forgiveness. So he can wait for eternity, shackled hand and foot by resentment and mistrust, and life will be wasted. No pleasure, no realization.
Resentment as manipulation
Why is it so hard to let go of resentment, so hard to forgive? What gives offense? The offended person feels: "I have the right to demand!" He suffered and is demanding compensation, BUT he will refuse any compensation. It still won't be enough. Maintaining the right to demand requires resentment and cultivation of guilt in others. When a person does not commit any actions, but only demands and expects compensation from others, it is easy to understand that he will not receive anything and will again see how unfair the world is! But if there is a person nearby who is trapped in guilt from the offended, then this will be a relationship built on the manipulation of guilt. That is, if I want something from my partner, but I don’t tell him about it and don’t ask him, but first I will wait for something, then, without receiving it,I will reproach and cultivate a sense of guilt in him - in such cases, resentment acts as a lever for manipulation.
Quite often young women come to me for psychological help with complaints that their husband does not understand them. They say they do everything for him, but he does nothing for them. To the question: "Do you ask your husband for something?" - they answer: "Let him guess what I want, I guess his desires!" And now she is already offended that he did not give her flowers just like that, that he did not guess that she was tired and wants him to wash the dishes. She is offended and has a complaint. And having a claim, she believes that she has the right to demand. Even when receiving something from a partner, such women devalue all the efforts of a man and frustrate him in any activity. Similar relationships often occur in the opposite direction when a man is offended. He looks reproachfully at his wife: "You never understood me!"
Infantile thinking in the body of an adult
“I want to be understood without words. Guess my wish! are the emotional aspirations of people with an anal vector. Where does it grow from? Why is there such a need? The state of exactingness is characteristic of a small child, and this is rational, because he is completely dependent on adults. Growing up, a person must provide for himself independently, realizing himself in activities, since no one is obliged to give anything to an adult, he can provide himself to many. And if you still want something from another, you can just ask.
The best mother tries to guess the child's wishes without words and fill him with pleasure to the fullest. But even in childhood, the child does not always get everything he wants, and by increasing his expectations from others, he prepares the ground for resentment. If you give without expecting in return, then resentment never arises. If you take something from others not for granted, but as a gift, then there will be more joy and fulfillment. The child grows, and with him his expectations grow - not only from his parents, but from the whole world. And now an adult man or woman is walking down the street with a grave resentment of a five-year-old child in his eyes. Resentment is an infantile feeling that freezes any activity. It makes a person give up his desires, from his life. Sullenly waiting for justice, he finds himself on the sidelines of the celebration of life,is increasing resentment and hatred more and more. Self-punishes himself with pain and disappointment.
Resentment as giving up life
If the thought arises that giving up life can punish my mother or the whole world, then this is not so. No one, except the most offended, will suffer. Nobody crawls on their knees to beg for forgiveness. The world is moving forward, there is no place for the stuck in the past in the future. Everyone is responsible for his own life and for his decisions independently. And the choice - to be realized or to take revenge, to get joy from life or to suffocate from resentment - this is a personal matter for each of us.
To be or not to be? To live or not to live? You have to decide every day.
You can learn more about the peculiarities of the human psyche and the laws of the unconscious, learn to understand people better and alleviate your grievances already at the free online lectures "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan. Register here.
