Oversized undergrowth. The journey of an infantile boy
Adult children who do not want to grow up … They grow up physically, but behave like little ones: they live with their parents, do not go to work, do not build their personal lives and reason as if they are “stuck” somewhere at 15-16 years old … Who is to blame for this? Society? Parents? Children?
Adults are never really fun.
And what are they doing: boring work or fashion, but they only talk about calluses and income taxes …
A. Lindgren. Peppy Long Stocking.
When do we become adults? For each of us, this is a fact of a personal biography. This is an inner feeling that comes without asking us about it.
It is still generally accepted in society that children become adults between the ages of 16 and 24. However, sociologists are sure that this framework has shifted a lot: our growing up can last … up to 50 years. Youth significantly squeezes maturity, youth "lengthens", adults do not age, children do not grow.
There is no one to blame for this, because we live in the skin era with its values: only young faces flash in advertising, harmony, health and youth are held in high esteem - only youth. For many successful people in this world, recognizing themselves as an adult already means giving up and reaching the home stretch.
However, there is another problem - adult children who do not want to grow up. They grow up physically, but they behave like little ones: they live with their parents, do not go to work, do not build their personal lives and reason as if they were "stuck" somewhere around 15 or 16 years old.
Who is to blame for this? Society? Parents? Children?
Adult children: the psychology of infantile
His day always begins according to one scheme: woke up - washed up - ate two sandwiches for breakfast - turned on the computer. The continuation of the day is like a mirror image of the morning: I looked up from my computer - I had lunch - I stuck to my computer - I had dinner - I stuck again - I washed myself - I sleep.
It would seem that there is nothing special: many people live this way today. Someone works in the office, someone at home … Everyone needs money.
But this infantile does not earn money. Does anything, but not work: reads, looks, listens, communicates, plays. He actively lives in the virtual world, which has long replaced reality.
- Sonny, maybe I would find a job?..
- Mom, so I'm looking. I study simply, you need to be able to do a lot for this work.
- Oh, well, learn, learn, I do not distract.
This is how a year, two, three passes … Nothing changes, her infantile has not yet "learned", and her mother got used to the fact that he is a perfectionist, the most intelligent and meticulous, comprehends very complex sciences. The time will come - and it will certainly be appreciated. You just have to wait.
However, how long to wait? His son is 35, and he has no business to feed him, no family, no his own adult life. Only a computer, virtual affairs, ingenious plans - and a bed in my mother's apartment. And mother with bitter doubts, which she diligently drives away, preferring to live with illusions.
It's a secret for mom: nothing in his life will change. Not in 5 or 10 years.
The well-fed childhood of one adult child
It was a golden child. Obedient, quiet, calm. They say about such people: where my mother planted, there she sits. Yes, that is exactly what it was: Tema did not create absolutely any problems in childhood. I was not capricious, I did everything that my mother said. Such adult children usually help their parents, go to family evenings with pleasure and support them until old age.
He was very attached to his mother - to such an extent that after the baby was taken to his grandmother for two weeks, he began to stutter. And when he went to the garden, he started screaming at night. They took them out of the kindergarten - then the problem went away.
At school Tema studied well, even very much. First 4 grades. Then he smoothly rolled into the "three". I was not a fool: I read Soviet science fiction at home, instead of doing my homework. I listened to music on a woman's tape recorder. Or wandering the streets with my best friend.
When a friend moved to another city, Teme had no one to be friends with. And right after school he went home, plunged into science fiction, music, and then into the first computer. Over time, virtual reality replaced both literature and musical preferences.
Subject entered the university for programming. Mom fussed, fried pies for him with her, collected a bag of things. Until a year later I found out that Tema was expelled from the institute in the very first session. And he powdered the brains of his parents for six months, coming on weekends for pies and clean linen.
“This is how it always happens: little children are little troubles, and grown-up children …” - mother lamented.
What's up with Tema? Maybe mom did something wrong, that the child turned from gold into tarnished metal? Maybe there was a lack of love or care?
Mom took care as best she could and as she saw fit. The subject was always well-fed and dressed. Stinging at the expression of emotions, she rarely praised her son, rarely kissed and expressed her love. Why? “In order not to boast. In order not to fall in love."
It seemed to Mom that Tema was not too smart. And she always showed him her ability to quickly count in her head, clicking complex equations like seeds. Subject admired my mother, but could not do that. The more I tried, the less I believed in myself.
Even as a little boy, Tema was eager to help his mother with cleaning. But she didn’t like the fact that he was busy for so long, and she preferred to do everything herself. Tema's desire to help has died away as unnecessary.
When Tema's problems were brewing, his mother advised him to solve them on his own - as all adult children do. But nothing came of it, and my mother again preferred to do everything herself. Tema's desire to solve problems has also died out - also as unnecessary.
Big babes - big troubles
Our Theme is an adult child with anal and sound vector. The reasons for his unwillingness to grow up, to be responsible for his life, to separate from his mother and build his family lie in the painful captivity of childhood.
Raised by a mother with a skin vector, he did not receive the most important vaccination for life - he did not learn to live. So much in need of mother's support in the first years of life, in her praise and soft prompts, the child could not feel himself under the reliable wing of love and care. I could not feel the security, thanks to which in the future I could stand firmly on my feet, not fearing responsibility and the future itself.
He was not taught to take responsibility for his actions and life on himself, to try to solve at least some difficulties. Seeing that his mother was doing all this for him, once upon a time he agreed with himself (more precisely, his unconscious did it) that all his problems would be solved by others. Whereas adult children should already be able to solve their problems on their own.
The natural properties remained undeveloped, which seemed to the mother with the skin vector imperfections and the manifestation of inconsistency, slowness, underdevelopment. Moreover, instead of developing these properties, the child only earned complexes and self-doubt.
An "aggravating" factor in this life scenario was the state of the sound vector - undeveloped, unrealized, but constantly requiring at least some scanty filling. And our infantil finds this content in gaming and the virtual world, where there are no obligations, where you are not required to be able to say "no", take care of others, be responsible for your actions and their consequences, where there is no need to ensure your financial independence. Where there is even no need to think: “Who am I? Where and why am I going? " In other words, where everything that makes up an adult's life is not there.
What else is the difference between his life and the life of a mature person? The fact that there is only one main priority in his destiny: himself. There is nothing else for which he lives. Like a small child who expects the world in the form of his mother and relatives to fulfill his every desire. But if this is normal for infants, then for adult children, whose psychology must be mature by the end of the transitional age, it is unacceptable.
In the scenario of the life of Tema and his mother, there can be much more: his grievances, life in the past, loss of moral and ethical behavioral guidelines and complete withdrawal into an unreal, illusory world. There will be a completely different ending, intersecting with the life stories of Dmitry Vinogradov or Anders Breivik.
But even if there is no such a tragic end, along with Tema and his mother, his outlook on life, his inadaptation to the adult world, his dependence on the virtual world - and absolute incapacity in the real world will remain.
And there is nothing in his life, absolutely nothing, capable of bringing this Theme out of his infantile cocoon. From his gaming shell, making his life a simple waste of days. Without meaning, without a family, without a favorite thing.
Nothing but a revolution in consciousness, which creates systemic thinking. Nothing, except the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, which still needs to be able to understand and realize. Nothing but knowledge available to all, helping to put all the chess of our life in its place.