Routine - a marriage killer or a janitor in the dump of feelings?
Love … It not only drives you crazy, paints life in bright colors and pushes you to madness. Love unites two different people into a single whole. And it becomes the reason for their strong desire to live together: to share joy and sorrow for two, to live a string of boring everyday life and minutes of happiness, to go to the same goal together, to raise children together …
Love … It not only drives you crazy, paints life in bright colors and pushes you to madness. Love unites two different people into a single whole. And it becomes the reason for their strong desire to live together: to share joy and sorrow for two, to live a string of boring everyday life and minutes of happiness, to go to the same goal together, to raise children together …
When two are united by the magic of love, the world around them looks like the best shots from sweet love films. Here it is a joy to just sit next to each other, not thinking about anything; in joy to feed your soul mate with a self-prepared dinner; to see through the eyes of a loved one a simple everyday life. Joint shopping trips, quiet home evenings, cleaning and even washing dishes - in a state of love euphoria, even such unremarkable affairs are filled with special meaning. There is no place for routine.
But this tale does not last forever. In the life of any couple, there always comes a moment when the brightness of daily emotions dims, when the exciting expectation of a light touch and an accidental glance is replaced by a calm tender feeling for a spouse, and then … And then everyone has it differently. Someone is able to keep and even increase their feelings, someone is tormented by the feeling of some important loss, and someone’s love is ruined by routine in one moment.
As experienced people who have been married for a number of years, we think that we can deal with our problems ourselves. But no, no, yes, and let's look (with one eye!) In popular publications on psychology. What do psychologists advise there? At the first sign of boredom and routine in a relationship, drop everything and get out on a joint vacation? Have romantic candlelit dinners on a regular basis? Get some sexy lingerie or try new sex positions?
The technique is attractive. But if it does, it will only work for a while. In addition, this does not at all guarantee that it will be possible to restore spiritual closeness in this way not for the duration of the vacation, but for the rest of your life. Yes, and live in constant entertainment will not work: there will always be a place for everyday life and family routine (into which any vacations can turn over time, even if they take place every time in new parts of the world).
Replacing the external attributes of a vibrant family life (lace underwear, candlelight dinners, innovations in sex) for our real feelings, we do not solve the problem. And we are only postponing the time when we have to admit that feelings have melted away.
Routine as a figment of the imagination
Young men and women of today marry with their eyes wide shut. 69% of all those who are going to tie the knot of Hymen are sure that they do it once and for life. Among young spouses, 79% are convinced that their marriage is forever. Alas, in reality everything is different: 26% of marriages are dissolved after 5-6 years of marriage, 16% - after 7-9, 41% - after 10-20 years.
The conclusion is disappointing: lovers create families with a firm intention to live with their chosen one until the end of their days, but in the process they stumble upon some insurmountable obstacles that make them change their mind and forever break off relations with a once beloved person.
One of these obstacles is the routine of life. After all, it is her who is accused of turning any relationship into an emotionless habit. It is her, like the fire, that inveterate bachelors and bachelors are afraid of. It is on her that those who have already burned themselves more than once blame all their troubles and failures in family relationships.
Stop. Don't you think that the routine in a relationship is just an excuse, an excuse and a scapegoat? Or, if you like, our own brainchild, which appears when blind love leaves and the first difficulties of family life appear? We ourselves diligently sculpt this very routine for ourselves. She is just the result of our wrong behavior, a false sense of self in marriage, our wrong attitude towards our spouse.
Scalpel for routine
Try to honestly answer the question: “Why am I bored with him? Why did love and understanding disappear?"
Let me start. For a long time in my family life, several things bothered me: Sunday meetings with relatives (I don't like the crowd, and especially when noisy relatives gather in an amount of two or more people), daily calls from my mother-in-law, my husband's persistent dislike for theaters and museums, such the same persistent dislike of my husband for my girlfriends. Together, these annoying factors poisoned my existence, I had to do what was not to my liking. And what they liked was forbidden.
You may have something of your own: hateful shopping trips, trips to your parents, the inability to get your spouse out of the couch / from the computer / from the garage. This is all that annoys us, depressing, causes a feeling of inner discomfort.
This family routine leads to mutual misunderstandings. Why doesn't my spouse understand my emotions? Why does he like doing things that annoy me so much? Why why why?..
We distance ourselves from each other if we don't want to live his or her life. Or we suffer from the fact that we try to try on alien interests. The result is usually deplorable: either immediately a divorce, or a divorce after a while (the time in which you tried to save the marriage).
Finding balance
Understanding Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology greatly simplifies life in marriage. It keeps you from forgetting about yourself for the sake of a relationship. And he does not allow to immerse himself in external affairs to the detriment of his family life, succumbing to the destructive effects of routine.
Balance comes when you, having already freed yourself from the influence of the spell of love, perceive what you once thought was a lack in your partner, just a feature of his vector set.
Does he like to sit on the couch in front of the TV? In warm, cozy slippers and a newspaper in your hands? Great: now you know that this is just one of the manifestations of the anal vector, and not a sign of personal degradation. You know that it is useless to drag such a man out to some noisy and entertaining events or to constantly drive him to the gym. Do you really want to? Go yourself, if your nature requires it.
Or maybe he is your "sound engineer"? Who does not stick to the computer, even when he sits on it at work for at least 10 hours? No wonder: husbands with a sound vector are most often unpretentious in everyday life, but constant in their isolation and passion for the virtual world. With your systemic knowledge, you can surely be able to "pull" it out in order to help fill the sound gaps in other ways: go to a chamber music concert, learn to play chess, study Kabbalah …
A husband with a skin vector, who does not share the spouse's craving for traditions and a calm family life, can always run away from the routine in a relationship. Give this active rest, a regular change of impressions and sensations. Whereas you can even suffer very much from his restlessness. In this case, it is wiser to send him on rafting or kayaking with friends, and then listen to his admiring stories with pleasure on his return.
Routine as mutual misunderstanding is impossible where there is systemic thinking. Because it implies, first of all, an understanding of oneself and a loved one. And only then - understanding of all the people around you. Knowing the vector set of my spouse, I will never again drag him to the gym, force him to open his own business, or bother with talking about proper nutrition. Knowing the peculiarities of my vectors, my husband will never give me a coffee grinder for my birthday, will not scold me for being late and will not demand baked pies every day.
We are people with different vectors, with different properties and needs. But knowing about them, we always find a certain balance that allows us to remain attentive to each other, without sacrificing personal interests.
Say no to the routine. Until she swept away your feelings.
