I want, but I can't be a star, or Where did the censorship of a dream come from in my life?
But I have always been in the spotlight and strived for live communication. She wanted to burn with a bright star, endowing everyone with rays of beauty and optimism. Is it possible now only in dreams? What is the cause of my unhappiness and self-doubt? Is it only with glasses? Then why didn't I manage to become successful before they appeared?
No one can stop the power of desire coming straight from the heart.
Natalia Oreiro
I came to the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan on the verge of despair. An unexpected inflammation of the eyes put an end to wearing contact lenses, and I had to hide my beauty behind thick glasses. Due to the high degree of myopia, the glasses seemed very unaesthetic to me. And although almost no one noticed this, I became unbearable from the mere thought that I was now bespectacled forever.
Ashamed of my new look, I began to refuse to communicate and meet with friends. Since being bespectacled, in my understanding, is like being a loser, a loser. Therefore, washing my little tragedy with tears, I convinced myself that this was the last straw separating me and my childhood dream - to be a star.
The thought that this is only my distorted perception and the result of non-realization did not even visit my head. I saw the causes and consequences only in the outside world: I was born in the wrong place, was not well-off financially, was not lucky with the environment. Everything around me literally screamed at me that I was a failure and a worthless creature who could only complain about life and missed opportunities. My husband, accustomed to my "fair of self-flagellation," tried in every possible way to console and support me. But all the same, in the reflection of the mirror, I began to see asexual, because of the glasses, a woman who had greatly grown in age. It's not me. I cannot be so ugly.
But I have always been in the spotlight and strived for live communication. She wanted to burn with a bright star, endowing everyone with rays of beauty and optimism. Is it possible now only in dreams? What is the cause of my unhappiness and self-doubt? Is it only with glasses? Then why didn't I manage to become successful before they appeared? At the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, all the reasons for my lack of fulfillment and dissatisfaction with life were revealed to me.
Snow Maiden
Why, in fact, did I only dream and nothing more? To take a step towards what I want, I do not have the spirit. Or rather, self-confidence. Any my aspiration stumbles over endless "but" and "if", not allowing to move. But it was not always so.
As a child, my main desire was to strive to be brighter than others. I wanted to stand out in the crowd and attract attention with beauty, special talent or unprecedented success. I imagined myself now a photo model, now an actress, now a singer, now at least a famous writer (with a mandatory portrait on the cover of books and autograph sessions). Is that why all my thoughts were saturated with the desire for fame and attention?
As if I was born for this. With an eternally thin and flexible body, a flirtatious look and a gift to charm men and children. Due to my natural pallor and blond hair, I was an irreplaceable Snow Maiden at school performances for several years in a row. In early childhood, my mother always dressed me like a real princess. I found opportunities to get me the best outfits, as far as our modest financial situation allowed. And she herself was a real fashionista and a creative person. As head of the House of Culture, my mother helped me realize my ambitions. There I sang songs, participated in performances and competitions.
For a person with a visual vector, who has a craving for everything beautiful, this was a wonderful development of the given properties. And the presence of a library right in the same building of the House of Culture is like a double lucky ticket. The ideal tandem for visual intelligence is culture and reading. I grew up in complete confidence that I would become a bright star and conquer millions of hearts.
As the owner of the visual-skin ligament, striving to give love and beauty to people, I saw the response and admiration of adults. Whether it was singing or drawing, a free dance or a tragic scene with tears, there was a desire for the main role in everything. Bathing in the rays of attention, I did not want to be content with less and firmly believed in my exclusivity.
We all come from childhood
At Yuri Burlan's training "System-Vector Psychology" I learned what influence the psychological conditions in which our childhood passes on our development. For the child, it is not the number of toys purchased or the funds spent on education that matters, but the feeling of protection and safety from the parents. This is the foundation of its development. It is good if parents are fulfilled in the profession and happy in relationships. But it often happens quite differently.
My parents were unhappy and full of mutual claims. Like many others, they often vent their anger and dissatisfaction on the weaker and more defenseless, throwing hurtful and humiliating words in the direction of the child. Having no other choice, I had to be a witness to the clarification of the relationship between mom and dad. With loud scandals, smashing dishes and furniture. There I heard the key phrase for myself: "I could not stand bespectacled people, I managed to marry such a man!"
Already at the training of Yuri Burlan, I realized the influence and relationship of this phrase with my rejection of my own glasses. And I also realized that the parents had a certain scenario of relationships, when people are unconsciously attracted to negative tandems, while deliberately hating this state of affairs. For me, a child with an impressionable and vulnerable heart, these scenes of violence were enough to start experiencing constant fear and anxiety. From fear of the dark to fear of loneliness, the main thing has always been the fear of death.
Fearing the holidays and feasts, which almost always end in scandal, I increasingly wanted to escape into the world of fairy tales and magic - to the TV. The emotional visual vector reacted to constant stress with an aversion to meat and rapidly deteriorating vision. And when, at the next annual examination with a doctor, I was diagnosed with scoliosis, I sobbed and cursed fate, because such people are not taken into the world of beauty and art. The dream still loomed and warmed my soul, but self-doubt and fears tenaciously fettered my body and mind, manifesting itself as psychosomatics. It was only at the training "System-vector psychology" that I realized that my body was desperately signaling about psycho-traumas that the child's psyche could not cope with.
Push push
And yet, the craving for creativity constantly pushed me to the public and the opportunity to express myself. Therefore, at the age of 14, I independently enrolled in a theater studio and voluntarily joined the school choir. My reference point then was the Latin American actress - Natalia Oreiro, with whom I was madly in love and tried to imitate her in everything. Collecting a collection of posters and calendars depicting my idol, I finally decided to become as popular as she is, counting on the support and approval of my parents. But without receiving it, she began to be ashamed of her hobby and doubt her own talent.
I was torn apart by a contradiction: one part of me wanted a bright and public life, while the other dictated the desire to be a good girl and not upset my parents with the wrong choice of life path. Therefore, when I heard a rude ridicule of acting from my dad, something went wrong in my guidelines.
Apparently, wanting to protect me from shame, he called the actors freeloaders and mediocre balalaika players. That is, they do not deserve a decent attitude and life. But this is my dream … it turns out that it does not deserve due attention. Now I still dreamed of a career as a media personality, but at the same time feeling a little shame and guilt for the "unworthy" choice of profession. In addition, my beloved Natalia Oreiro was often called a prostitute and a shameless woman by numerous grandmothers and aunts for her revealing outfits and demonstrativeness. Who wants to get such a stigma from relatives?
Fearing not to live up to the hopes of those close to me and desperate to hear their approval, I went against my wishes. At first, going through the divorce of my parents, I refused to enter the theater (having in my hands recommendations from an honored theater artist who believed so much in my dramatic talent). Then she entered the building on the recommendation of the father who returned to the family. And after graduating from it with grief in half, she promised the teachers never to work in this area. This science was so hard for me. Having got married and feeling at last dearly loved, I gave birth to two children. This is what good girls should do. Is not it?
Desperate housewife
Almost immediately, I began to notice that I did not have enough patience and inspiration for family life. I often forgot about household duties, dreaming about creative realization or the opportunity to at least go out into society. Despite my dissatisfaction, I didn’t start looking for a job to my liking, but happily sat down to wait for a happy moment, filling the void with countless attributes of beauty (cosmetics, dresses, shoes, bright trinkets) and self-admiration.
Freed from everyday life and caring for children on rare family and friendly holidays, I passionately devoted myself to creative outlets (songs, dances, acting scenes, organizing a holiday). Taking applause and compliments from the audience, I felt like a fish in water - happy, sparkling, full of energy and strength … like in childhood.
Relatives and friends, seeing my creative nature, tried to tell me where I could be realized. But I, still dreaming of fame, for some reason did not believe that I could compete with successful and self-confident people. Every time I dismissed the option of creative implementation proposed by someone, I mentally scolded myself for it. I was ashamed to admit that oppressive self-doubt forces me to shrink in horror at the prospect of becoming a "shameless" and "balalaika". Especially when I have already crossed the threshold of the 30th anniversary and became a mother twice.
- It turns out you have talent! Do not allow yourself to bury it in everyday life … - Dad once said. These were the very words of support that I once lacked as a child. Understanding that dad, who usually does not allow himself to be tender, still wished me a better fate was like waking up from a long sleep.
How dear false beliefs and childhood traumas cost us …
And who are the judges
You need to have the courage to go your own way, not trying to be like someone else …
Natalia Oreiro
Absolutely all children are born normal. Their properties and talents, given by nature, may differ from the preferences of adults. Therefore, it happens that we judge a fish by its ability to fly, and she does not understand why it is so unhappy. Parents from a misunderstanding of the nature of their child often try to educate him for themselves or by force. As the cause of delays in the development of the child's psyche, adults are not to blame for their mistakes. After all, they, too, were once the same unhappy and misunderstood children. Yuri Burlan's training "System-Vector Psychology" helped me not only to understand the reasons for my mental anguish, but also to understand the motives of my parents' behavior. To see their pain, to be imbued with their suffering and to justify with all your soul. Today I love them more than ever. Without resentment and evil, with a desire to give them all the best. And this became possible only thanks to the training.
As for me personally, after the training, the ridiculous glasses stopped striking in the reflection of the mirror. They are overshadowed by self-confidence and the desire to give others a smile. I blossomed again and am not afraid of condemnation for the desire to be bright and extraordinary. It no longer seems to me that someone is more beautiful and better than me. On the contrary, now I see in every person something beautiful and light, without envy and desire to imitate. By shifting the focus from myself to the people around me, I was able to overcome feelings of self-pity and get rid of fears. And the realization of a negative scenario rooted in childhood stopped a series of quarrels and resentments in my family.
My plans finally have clear goals and steps towards achieving them. The understanding came that success does not depend on a lucky star and the will of chance, but on hard work and efforts. In addition, I was lucky to marry a man who will always support and not condemn for choosing a profession. And although many at my age already have significant success in their careers, I believe that my realization will not be long in coming. And let it be not as bright as it seemed to me in childhood. The main thing is that she will be mine. For too long I have not allowed myself to be myself.
