I won't go, mother, to the kindergarten … Stubborn child - to break or bend?
Most often, we do not attach much importance to the stubbornness of the child, attributing everything to a bad mood, children's whims, grandmother's permissiveness, an attempt to manipulate and get the desired sweetness / toy, or whatever, but the reason is clearly not worth our attention.
Pampering or a problem?
- I won’t go to the kindergarten… I won’t eat… I won’t go on the bus… I won’t get dressed… I don’t want to sleep / swim / put away toys…
Stomps feet, throws clothes, rests and pulls the palm out of the parent's hand, pouts and lowers his eyes.
How do we, as parents, usually respond to such statements?
- These whims must be suppressed, otherwise he will grow up as a spoiled egoist!
Most often, we do not attach much importance to such a child's behavior, attributing everything to a bad mood, children's whims, grandmother's permissiveness, an attempt to manipulate and get the desired sweetness / toy, or whatever, but the reason is clearly not worth our attention.
Why do children really behave this way? Are they trying to attract attention, to spite their parents, show their individuality or, maybe, take revenge for insults?
And not everyone is like that! Only the most "golden" and obedient, who, like the reins, fell under the tail. About such we say: "There was a child like a child, and then it was as if they changed."
This is exactly what happens - an ideally obedient and exemplary baby, as parents are used to seeing their child, suddenly changes and begins to behave not so much as before, but exactly the opposite: stubborn, withdrawn, looks sullenly and does everything out of spite …
What happens to the baby?
Is this the period? Will it outgrow? Will he forget in two days?
And what is the right thing to do in such a situation? To go ahead, to force, to achieve the fulfillment of your will, to make it clear who is in charge here - or to please, forgive and pamper more in order to cajole, change anger to mercy?
Is it worth making a problem out of this at all, maybe just not paying attention?
Is there a way to avoid similar situations in the future?
Behind the scenes of a little heart
Even the smallest toddler is already an Individuality that has an innate set of psychological qualities, which, yes, are still developing, but they already exist, he was born with them and reacts to the outside world according to his own way of thinking.
Stubbornness, according to System-Vector Psychology, is a property that can manifest itself only in one of the eight vectors - anal.
A kid with an anal vector differs in perseverance, in comparison with other children, even some slowness, he seeks to complete any business he does and gets very upset when he is interrupted or rushed. A calm, obedient child who simply blossoms before our eyes from parental praise and approval. It is extremely important for him to know that he is appreciated, that any of his achievements are worthy of a kind word or gratitude, it is for this that he is ready to pore over his work, whether it is collecting puzzles or putting on gloves.
The most mother-dependent children, they painfully perceive any changes in their lives, such as moving, changing kindergarten or school, even changes in the regime. To remain in the garden without a mother is tantamount to the end of the world.
A child with an anal vector is suspicious of anything new, even if it's birthdayts or new wardrobe items. In a day or two, all this will become a favorite toy or dress, but in the first minutes the baby does not even want to take it in hand.
Such children learn slowly, but thoroughly, systematizing the information they receive even at the entrance and putting everything on the shelves in their heads right away. Often they ask to repeat, clarify, ask a lot of questions so that everything is immediately clear. Their phenomenal memory is able to memorize a lot of information and store it all their lives.
One of the features of the psyche of a representative of the anal vector, including a small one, is a kind of understanding of justice - everything is equally, in half. Its geometry of comfort is a square, in which the curvature of the horizontal edges inward is a feeling of "not given", and outward - "transferred". In this case, the state of "handed over" is expressed in a sense of guilt and a desire to repay, and "not given" - causes resentment and a desire to take revenge. Both are the desire to restore justice, to align the edges of the square, to restore a balanced state of the biochemistry of the brain.
The biggest stress that a little anal guy can have is pulling him off the pot - such an important process of cleansing the body must be completed, and the naturally slow metabolism and unhurried work of the intestines do not allow him to do this quickly.
And now, as often happens, a mother hurrying to work constantly urges, tugs and yells at the anal child, collecting him to the kindergarten or school - this is how one important thing after another is interrupted and remains unfinished, the psychological square in a small head bends more and more, accumulating one offense after another.
Phenomenal memory carefully stores every offensive phrase, look or reckless act of a hasty mother, who, not attaching importance to such behavior, did not even think to apologize, which could correct the situation at least partially. The resentment grows, occupies all the baby's thoughts, the tension grows, the imbalance of biochemistry intensifies and, finally, manifests itself with a desire to take revenge, restore justice.
It is unlikely that the baby will explain the current situation to you in such detail, most likely, he himself does not understand what is happening, but the general mental mechanisms in the head of the little anal person work in this way, manifesting themselves in each specific situation in different ways.
Long-term effects of blown sponges
What is the risk of such a state of an anal baby for his future?
Resentment against the mother is the most destructive feeling that can be present in the psyche of a person with an anal vector. Stopping the development of innate properties and looping a psychological state in the negative, resentment can run like a red thread throughout life, starting from childhood. A heavy burden lying like a stone on the soul and leaving an imprint of reproach on the face significantly limits the possibilities for communication, full realization, even interferes with the creation of a happy family and affects the same relations with relatives and friends.
Resentment most often remains unconscious, giving rise to a feeling of an inner obstacle or one's own inferiority, bad luck, and general injustice. The constant desire for revenge makes a person with an anal vector very cruel. In childhood, this can be manifested by cruelty directed at those who are weaker - at younger children, animals or plants, at an older age it is manifested by domestic tyranny, verbal or physical violence. Often such people become cruel rapists or even murderers, perceiving women as inferior beings and taking out their subconscious malice on them.
At an early age, the offended anal baby seeks to take revenge at the level of his attitude:
“Does mom get mad when I do something slow? Aha, get it! In general, I will sit and will sit!"
“Does she want me to get dressed faster? There you are! I will not dress!"
“Mom is late for work, so I have to run to kindergarten? So I won't go anywhere at all!"
Parent creative
What to do in such a situation?
First, figure out what's going on. By understanding the features of your baby's vectors, you will be able to know in advance how he will react to this or that situation in his life, which will greatly simplify your communication with him.
Secondly, to learn that a frontal attack against the most stubborn vector in nature is obviously a disastrous business. Before you is a small alpine ram!
Thirdly, to decide for yourself the following question: what is more important for you - to be late for work today or to postpone in his little head one more resentment against you that he will NEVER forget ?!
If, nevertheless, today is the most important day in your career, you are promoted, you are the head of the company, the inauguration, the Nobel Prize or the landing on Mars awaits you, there are several ways to get to the most important place - the garden.
Immediately we change our tactics: we pretend that no one is in a hurry - we don't give an extra reason for whims.
The pot is a serious matter, so bear with it.
The main pleasure for any anal sex is praise, and the praise of the parents is the greatest joy.
“Have you put on your socks yet? Smart girl! Mom's joy, well done! I love you! Let mom put on you a clean shirt, you will be the most beautiful in the kindergarten today. What pants do you want?"
We praise, distract, do not give thought and remember about the offense. Elementary questions that require almost no thought, but distracting.
And further …
“You know, Marya Ivanovna called yesterday and said that you are the most obedient in the group, that you already know all the numbers and letters, that you are the most independent and grown-up. She said that you help her with other kids who do not obey, so she is always happy when you come to kindergarten on time, because you are her assistant! It's true?"
Well, how can it not be true ?! Anal kids are really the most obedient and love to help, especially to play a mentor for the younger ones, to teach them wisdom. This is inherent in their natural properties.
And now, imperceptibly for yourself, you are already leaving the house …
Do not expect that the anal baby will be happy to run to a stop, running and in general any active sport is not for him. A quick step is the most you can count on.
When you say goodbye, do not forget to say: “I love you more than anyone else in the world, you are my best. In the evening I will pick you up, and we will all play together at home and read books. Okay?"
When praising your little one, remember that praise is a very delicate instrument for an anal sex. It is important not to overdo it here! Praising is even worse than offending. The psychological square will still be curved.
We praise only for meaningful accomplishments, for important actions - learned letters, good behavior, obedience, order in toys, helping parents.
We concentrate the baby on serious achievements, his personal results, actions that would require significant efforts from him - in other words, we stimulate development, not narcissism. We cultivate a scientist, doctor or writer focused on his work, but not a mama's son with a “good boy” complex!
So, gently directing the little stubborn person in the right direction, you can still win a few precious minutes for you and save several dozen healthy neurons in him and in your head.
Our parenting influence is limited to only 12-15 years before the end of puberty - this is the time when vectorial properties can be developed. After that, their implementation begins, which continues throughout life. Only our efforts, our understanding and ability to direct the psychological development of the baby will determine the level at which his natural qualities will be realized throughout his life.
Phenomenal memory can store grudges, but it can also store scientific data.
Perseverance and patience, manifested in stubbornness, can realize themselves in an effort to achieve the best result in their activities.
Any property of a vector can be both positive and negative, becoming both a source of problems and a tool of unlimited possibilities.
A stubborn child is not a diagnosis, not a character trait or temporary harm, it is a negative state of the anal vector that can still be corrected. All in your hands! You can learn more about the features of children with an anal vector and about overcoming stubbornness at free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register here.
We read in the following articles:
Children's tantrum - how to win in 10 minutes?
Outbursts of aggression in a child - I'm already afraid of him!
The child started to steal - what's going on ?!
