Trusted by a teenager: emergency help for those who are at a standstill
Is there a chance to look into the deeply personal and secret teenage world of a child, when an impressive Chinese wall has already been built between him and his parents? Or maybe it would be wiser not to meddle with his concern and give him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes? How frank can be a communication between a teenager and a parent?
The teenager is no longer a child, but not yet an adult. Time for changes in the head, changes in life, the first decisions, the first consequences, the first successes and the first falls.
How can we, parents, want to help, suggest, direct our slightly fledgling child precisely in this difficult period of the first independent steps in life. Support, protect, protect … But he stubbornly repels any interference in his personal space!
Brushing aside general phrases about the weather and nature, by hook or by crook, a teenager avoids serious conversations, evasively answering direct and important questions about himself. By closing the door to his room, the native child also locks the entrance to his inner world for parents.
What's happening? The closest people know about him several times less than school friends, neighbor boys, godparents or even grandfather! Why is it so: the closer a person is, the less desire to share with him something personal, important, what worries, what torments, what confuses? It is easier for a child to email a cousin living overseas than to ask mom for advice in the next room.
A teenager will more likely try to solve his problems on his own a thousand times than ask his parents for help. As a result, a simple question that could be resolved in one day turns into a big headache for the whole family, when the whole situation finally comes to the surface.
What's the catch? What stands between a teenager and his parents, making it difficult to build trusting, friendly, close relationships? How to properly interact with an almost adult child in order to at least slightly increase his degree of trust?
Is there a chance to look into the deeply personal and secret teenage world of a child, when an impressive Chinese wall has already been built between him and his parents? Or maybe it would be wiser not to meddle with his concern and give him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes? How frank can be a communication between a teenager and a parent?
One foot in childhood, the other in life
The adolescent period, it is also the period of the end of puberty, is the time when the formation of the personality of an adult is completed. The development of innate psychological properties ends, and their implementation begins at the level to which they managed to develop in childhood.
The most important thing that happens during this period is that the young man is trying to take responsibility for his life, leaving in the past the feeling of security and safety that his parents gave him. Such changes do not happen overnight, so you should understand that even the most independent, brave and arrogant teenagers at critical moments still need parental protection, like children, and sometimes even more urgently than they.
A difficult period of change is hard for a teenager - the choice of a specialty, areas of study, the first strong feelings, falling in love and parting, hopes and losses, the first serious independent decisions, mistakes and victories.
On the one hand, there is a burning desire for independence, a desire to get out of the control of parents, to remove all restrictions and get complete freedom of action. But, even achieving what he wants, a teenager often finds himself in a situation where he lacks the strength and determination to make a difficult decision, when he does not yet feel that he is old enough to take full responsibility for himself.
At such a moment, it becomes clear to him that he is not yet psychologically ready for a fully adult life, and then he seeks protection, a parental sense of security and safety, as in childhood, since the pressure of the landscape is stronger than his ability to adapt. Over time, he will learn to make adult decisions and live his life, but now, in this moment, he needs a mother to just recover, feeling safe.
Are we friends or are we bringing up?
In their quest to become closer to their own child, some parents try to be more a friend than a mom or dad. Such a relationship can most often be built by a parent with a skin-visual ligament of vectors.
For example, a skin-visual mother, by nature not having a maternal instinct, perceives her daughter as a friend, and therefore communicates with her in a similar vein - she shares secrets, brags about her fans, and may even discuss the most intimate details of her relationship with men.
This option of communication finds the most favorable response in the same skin-visual child, who does not feel the unnaturalness of such conversations at the level of instincts, but this forms in him the acceptability of such upbringing, and he can apply it in the future for his children, which, of course, is erroneous.
Such intimate revelations to any other child can cause psychological trauma even in adolescence. At such moments, the child feels an internal psychological protest, he does not understand its essence and reason, but he feels strong discomfort when parents try to talk to him about sexual topics, or even more so to share the details of their intimate life.
Unconsciously, but quite definitely, the teenager feels that this conversation should not be, that it is not just unpleasant or inconvenient, but also unnatural, unnatural. These feelings are caused by the existing ancient, one might even say, animal prohibition of incest.
For this reason, a teenager can avoid any conversations with his parents at all, especially about his personal life, without even clearly understanding the true reason for his detachment.
Parent or mentor?
Another reason for the lack of trust between a teenager and his parents may be that a mother or father with an anal vector considers himself an undeniable authority in the family, whose opinion is final and not subject to appeal.
In this case, all communication between the parent and the child is reduced to reading moral teachings, instructions and instructions for actions that must be performed strictly and without unnecessary questions. The child's own opinion simply has no right to exist due to the fact that “you need to listen to your elders”, and “your milk has not dried up yet”.
A categorical and mentally rigid representative of the anal vector, especially in a stressful state, will zealously demand respect and strict obedience from all family members; a different point of view or behavior is regarded by him as a direct insult and humiliation of his dignity.
A convinced anal fighter will never begin to find out the reason for those cases when a child is telling a lie, and often immediately punishes, and often physically - "like his grandfather and great-grandfather brought up" and "so that he grows up as a decent person," which pushes a teenager with a skin vector, for example, for the following tricks or even theft.
Perceiving through himself, through the prism of his own views on life, the child's lies, he regards it only as a shame for himself, but not as a failure in the realization of the child's innate psychological properties. Properties of a different nature than those of the parent, therefore incomprehensible to him without systemic thinking.
Daddy promised but didn't
Another, but also in no way conducive to trust between children and parents, the situation arises when a father or mother with a skin vector brings up a teenager with an anal vector. In the eyes of his son, his father will always be an authority for him, a man who always speaks only the truth and keeps his word. An excellent memory of a child with an anal vector is able to memorize every word, and even more so every promise made by the father.
The nature of the skin vector is completely different, for such a person the given word or an accidentally thrown promise does not matter much, therefore it is not at all necessary to fulfill it, especially if it contradicts logic or does not bring any benefit or benefit to the skin person.
The skin parent may well simply forget about his words, and the anal child will be embarrassed to remind him of this promise, wait for an apology and simply accumulate resentment against his father for years in his soul, right up to the emergence of thoughts of revenge.
Resentment against parents is the most destructive feeling in the anal vector, which affects in the most negative way both the development of the properties of the vector itself and the realization of these properties throughout life.
The illusion of relationships in an illusory world
Great difficulties in building relationships with a child arise when either a parent or a teenager is in a negative state, the reason for which is the lack of realization of the sound vector.
The dominant vector brings the realization of its needs to the fore, pushing all other vectors to the second. Perceiving the outside world as an illusion by his own feelings, a sound engineer in a bad state is practically incapable of productive communication with other people, namely: the hostility accumulated as a result of lack of implementation is especially acutely felt towards the closest people who are more than others trying to "stir up" the sound engineer and push it out of its shell.
Plunging deeper and deeper into depression, the sound engineer moves further and further from reality, more and more zealously avoiding any communication, internally confirming himself in thoughts of his own genius, unusualness and uniqueness. Making sure that no one is able to understand him, perceiving reality as a source of suffering, the sonic teenager tries to find a way out into another, in his opinion, reality. It can be going to sleep, virtual games, science fiction films, serials, - with a worsening of the condition. Further attempts to escape the painful reality can lead the sound engineer to drugs, but not in any way to improve the condition.
The narcotic effect further removes the sound person from real life, and the unfilled voids continue to press from within and cause suffering. In this state, the risk of suicidal thoughts increases significantly, especially during adolescence.
Oral scream targeting neurons
The situation of communication between children and parents in a combination of oral and sound vectors in the family becomes quite special and in some cases a dead end.
The representative of the oral vector, in his desire to satisfy the psychological need for listeners, is trying to find himself an interlocutor among his relatives, while the sound engineer is drawn to silence and concentration on his thoughts.
A big fan of shouting, inserting a strong word in order to embellish his narration, to attract more attention of the audience to his speech, the oralist with his endless monologue is able to drive the soundman further into himself every day. The speech of the oralist is perceived by all of us at the deepest, one might even say, at the subconscious level, while silencing him is like making the sound speaker scream.
Daily loud noises, screams, and all the more obscene words can have a very destructive effect on the development of the properties of the sound vector, destroying the most important neural connections for personality development, which are responsible for the differentiation of sounds, and therefore for the ability to learn.
As for obscene speech, its influence negatively affects the development of any, not only sound, child and greatly undermines the level of trust between parents and their children. The fact is that any obscene word has a sexual nature, and pronouncing these words by parents in the presence of children has the same effect as an open discussion of intimate details of their sexual life, that is, it creates an “incest effect”, causing severe psychological discomfort in the child.
In addition, the obscene language used in conversation by parents destroys the cultural layer, removes all those restrictions that society instills in a child in the process of upbringing. Such a situation is felt by the child as a complete permissiveness and acceptability of behavior that runs counter to any cultural, moral or ethical values of modern society.
A teenager learns to act easier and easier - to swear, rather than seek a cultural solution to any problem that has arisen before him in interaction with other people.
Trust = understanding
The degree of trust of a teenager directly depends on the degree of mutual understanding between parents and a child.
When, possessing systemic thinking, parents understand the psychological nature of both their child and their own, communication with the most “difficult” teenager can become confidential and open.
If a skin-visual mother really wants to share all her secrets with her daughter-girlfriend, but she systematically understands the influence of some details of her life on the psyche of a child, even a teenager, their communication takes on exactly the character that the daughter has to share with her mother. those problems that bother her.
Systematically understanding the cause of cases of deception or even theft in the skin vector, the father with the anal vector will not immediately grab the belt, but will try to find out and solve the existing problem. Thus, it will avoid a repetition of theft and will contribute to the adequate development of your skin son - a future engineer or lawyer, and not a thief or a swindler.
Realizing the painfulness and negative impact on the development of the sound person of noises or screams, any parent is able to create the atmosphere of silence necessary for the child.
A child's trust begins only with an understanding of his needs, mental characteristics and those distinctive features that are present in him, but not in you. Letting your teen trust you means understanding his personality and our own. Today it is possible, more than ever, thanks to the knowledge provided by the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
