Regrets, then loves? Myths of non-systemic psychology
And it seems that these are good qualities - compassion and pity for other people, because the world rests on kindness, but what do they turn into if you project them onto the relationship between a man and a woman? Let's figure it out.
Have pity on me, have pity, In my fate, so cruel and awkward, Only from your love, reckless like a woman, For a moment it becomes even a little warmer …
From the song of S. Trofimov
Femininely reckless love, from which it becomes warmer for a moment, is primarily the love of a woman with a visual vector. It is the spectators, more than anyone else, who need pity. Compassionate aunties with eyes in a wet place, giving alms to those who ask the most pitifully - it's us, the spectators. The girls crying over a dying kitten or a pigeon with a broken wing are also us. Sobbing sobbing over the fate of the heroes of a film or book, clutching a homeless puppy to their chest, trying to warm it up, standing up for a homeless person, who is being attacked by hooligans who protect an absurd student who is poisoned with purely childish cruelty by the whole class, feeding an old neighbor whose pension has been stolen, is all of us, we, we …
I remember once I saw such a scene near the metro. Two women stopped next to a neat but extremely poorly dressed old woman to buy shoots of some houseplants that she was selling, apparently unwilling to beg.
- What kind of scion do you want? asked the woman who came up first.
“I don’t care,” said the second.
They looked into each other's eyes and in one second they understood everything about each other. It was not at all for the sake of flowers that they stopped with an old woman, whose emaciated, but noble face could not be looked at without heartburn.
As soon as we are not called: compassionate, compassionate, crumbling, kind-hearted, compassionate, merciful. The essence of this phenomenon is the same - the need for suffering and compassion. If the visual vector is undeveloped, then pity will be directed at the beloved one: "oh, I'm unhappy", "oh, how can I, poor thing, have no luck." If the vector is developed, compassion and pity will overwhelm in relation to the outside world and other people. And it seems that these are good qualities, because the world rests on kindness, but what do they turn into if you project them onto the relationship between a man and a woman? Let's figure it out.
"Have pity on me, have pity on me …"
She fell in love with him for his torment, and he her - for compassion for them.
Othello. W. Shakespeare.
He regrets, it means he loves, they say among the people. Is it so? Is pity really equal to love? Visual pity can be so strong and sublime that, turning into empathy, it makes you feel the pain of a stranger as your own. It can be a very strong emotion and deep feeling, but still it is not love. The heroine of the unfading Elena Proklova in the film "The Only" Tanyusha was skin-visual to her fingertips. It was her vision that endowed her with overwhelming emotionality and the ability to sincerely and ardently empathize with others.
Remember one of the most impressive scenes in the film, when, during a pouring rain, Tanyusha sheltered the head of a choir club in her house, brilliantly played by Vysotsky. The hero is a strong and talented man - in this scene he does everything to catch Tanya's compassionate heart. Here are his remarks: "To you … a lonely carnation, almost like I am lonely …", "You still have everything ahead, this is me, one might say, all in the past."
And then he sings his passionate song about black eyes, and the camera, following the gaze of the heroine, rises from the bottom up, showing his cheap, mud-stained sandals, a string bag with a lonely bottle of milk hanging on the back of a chair, his soulful face of unrecognized talent. Tanyusha's eyes fill with tears, her voice trembles with empathy and sudden pity for this restless, but incredibly charming man. "Boris Ilyich … let me sew on a button," the heroine whispers and … falls into his arms, forgetting at that moment that she has a truly beloved husband.
A purely emotional impulse, provoked by the visual vector of the heroine, destroyed her family. The touchy, stubborn and straightforward husband, as a true bearer of the anal vector, could not forgive the betrayal of his overly sensitive wife. As a result, both suffered, unable to happily arrange their lives after the divorce.
We, the spectators, in general, love is often associated with suffering, even if the feeling is mutual. It is from here that the legs grow at the sayings "jealous, then love" and "regret, then love." Are such Mexican passions possible without love? And can anything other than love justify them?
Alas, pity, which is the basis of a relationship, is rarely able to become a truly cementing element for them. Even if this is not a momentary impulse, but a long-term relationship. If love is not the primary feeling, sooner or later the relationship can collapse like a house of cards. For example, when a pitying person really falls in love.
My classmate married an orphan who followed her with a tail for three years and looked pitifully into her eyes. For a couple of years they lived in perfect harmony - oh, she pitied him, poor thing! She said: "He has no one but me in the whole world." Sometimes she cried, telling her friends how he became an orphan at the age of 13. And then suddenly … fell in love. Without any pity, in a serious way, into a cheerful guy, an athlete, the soul of the company. It was then that she realized what a hell it is to love one person and live with another. Probably, for a year I have been ruffling my nerves both for myself and for my men. She felt painfully sorry for her husband, and without her beloved life lost all meaning. So she dangled back and forth, like a leaf in the wind, until the athlete took the initiative into his own hands, talked like a man with an orphan and took his wife away from him.
Do you think that's the end of it? If. For several months, she secretly ran to her ex-husband to prepare food for him. The case turned into a whole vaudeville, because she calmed down only when she introduced him to a good girl and made sure that they started dating …
So, if the "torment" of a man causes you compassion, like Shakespeare's Ophelia, do not rush to start a relationship with him. Perhaps he can be helped in some other way, without bringing his chance for love on the altar of pity.
Do not feel sorry for your man!
It's a pity for the bee, but the bee is on the tree.
It happens in another way. Strong, loving relationships often include pity as an integral part of strong feelings. “She sleeps so sweetly, took pity on her, did not wake up, I whipped up breakfast myself,” “I feel sorry for him, so much work, and even the head is harsh … I myself take the children to the kindergarten and take them away”, “My back sick, I feel sorry for him, so I carry the bags myself … "," He is sick with me, now I have asked for time off from work - I am taking care of him, now I will run for medications. " Such statements speak more of sympathy for a dear person than of pity, especially if there are real reasons for them. And there is nothing wrong with this if sympathy does not go beyond the boundaries of reason and does not turn into satisfaction of the purely visual need to feel sorry for someone, which is so often exploited by various kinds of beggars.
Pity is the easiest way to create an emotional connection that is vital for us as visual women. We become attached to the one we regret, we feel responsible for him, it seems to us that he needs us, our sympathy, our emotions. And how good it becomes in your soul when you press it to your heart and from the heart feel sorry for someone close! But you cannot create an emotional connection with a man based on pity. This is the most direct route to the broken trough.
There is nothing worse for a man when his woman laments over him like a stupid hen: "Oh, you poor little one, oh you unfortunate one, no one appreciates you, no one understands you" … Such pity, raised to the rank of systematic, makes a strong man weak and turns the weak into the weak-willed. There are countless examples when a husband, who has lost his job, for months or even years, sits on the neck of a compassionate visual wife, who, instead of giving him a good kick, regrets the "poor thing" who was "unfairly fired", "unfairly laid off", "Sat down", "slandered", "framed", etc. Even if all this is the purest truth, a man should not be pitied. Realizing the needs of their visual vector, lamenting over the "unfortunate" husband, visual wives undermine the very foundations of the male ego.
A vivid story of pity, turning a man into a parody and a rag, was talentedly played by Elena Safonova and Vladimir Konkin in the film "The Princess on the Beans". Due to poverty, the heroine of Safonova Nina is forced to work in several jobs: she is a dishwasher in a restaurant, and a janitor, and sells newspapers in the passage, and washes floors in the hallways … And at the same time, she manages to feel sorry for and support her "unfortunate" semi-gentile dependent husband, with whom has been divorced for a long time and who secretly steals sausage hidden "for a rainy day" from the refrigerator … Do you want to have the same useless whiner and rogue under your barrel? Then urgently start feeling sorry for him!
If you feel an irresistible urge to regret, direct it in the direction where it will be in demand without harming your loved one. Listen to the sorrows of a pensioner neighbor over a cup of tea, take toys to orphans to an orphanage, send money to treat disabled children, sign up as a volunteer in a hospice, and finally feed the skinny courtyard cats with the remains of a hearty dinner! But don't direct your pity to the man. In order to be a man, he must remain strong, at least in his own eyes.