Childhood psychotraumas hurt like an adult
Psychotrauma is when my immeasurable "want" was cut off. They made it possible to feel that wanting is harmful. Striving for what you want is bad. Growing up in your desires, looking for ways to achieve them is dangerous, unworthy, ashamed. As a result, real desires do not disappear anywhere, they just cannot be achieved due to jags in the unconscious …
Childhood psychotrauma is dangerous because it is forced into the unconscious. We don't remember her. And she leads us through a recurring scenario of the same misfortunes with some change of scenery and characters. An "espionage conspiracy" against oneself can be exposed by understanding exactly what exactly the psyche suffered from and how to neutralize it.
A child is an unlimited desire to have pleasure, to develop. Mom hid her favorite sweets on the top shelf of the closet, which means that I would rather end up on a chandelier under the ceiling to reach them than give up my cherished goal.
Psychotrauma is when my immeasurable "want" was cut off. They made it possible to feel that wanting is harmful. Striving for what you want is bad. Growing up in your desires, looking for ways to achieve them is dangerous, unworthy, ashamed. As a result, real desires do not disappear anywhere, they simply cannot be achieved due to jags in the unconscious. We still want to love, to be needed by society, to be in harmony with ourselves, but nothing really comes of it.
Opening access to the top shelf with "sweets" for adults is to honestly look at your desires and analyze the obstacles on the way to them.
I want love, but there was no example of a normal relationship in the family
Dad drank, mom worked all the time. Parents constantly swore, children received less attention and affection, but this does not oblige them to be unhappy in their independent life. The small child gains a sense of safety and security in the family. His feeling of comfort and happiness depends on it. In a child, it is inevitably associated with the parents. An adult, however, obtains this feeling himself, adequately interacting with society, therefore, it is useless to look for those to blame in the past.
To get out of the circle of sad destinies, you need to know the exact mental factors that lead to the inability to build healthy relationships and ways to get out of the pathological peak.
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Complaints to parents
The fluttering butterfly girl never wanted to upset her parents, but she couldn't behave the way her dad demanded. All childhood and adolescence is under his harsh oppression. Why did you come so late? Why did you put on makeup so brightly? You have to be more modest! Cleverer! Decent! The naughty girl received cruel treatment for every deviation from her father's vision of the ideal daughter. She was scared to admit this to herself, but she wanted him to die. I wanted liberation from the concrete shackles, I wanted to breathe in the happy air of freedom. But even when she left far from her parental home, my father's fist was tightly holding her throat.
When the mental properties of children and parents do not match, it is difficult for both parties to understand each other. Dad thinks he had to study to be an economist, wear skirts below the knee, get married at twenty-three and give birth. And my daughter today is a marketer in the capital, tomorrow she is a freelance artist in Thailand, a month later she is a participant in an operation to rescue whales in Alaska. She is on her own, as if she does not need the ground under her feet, dad considers her unpredictable and frivolous. And in her opinion, he thinks too narrowly, flatly and conservatively. Nobody is going to adjust. Contact is becoming less and less frequent, the stone on the soul of both is getting heavier.
Without understanding their parents, children cannot build a normal relationship with a partner. The load that has always been felt at home is too great. We are inventing rationalizations, that we are not yet ready for a serious relationship, that we are still looking for ourselves, that we have other priorities, but in fact we are simply afraid. We are afraid that with my husband it can be like with dad, and the wife can become like mom.
Below are two love stories in one heart. Only when the girl was able to forgive and understand dad, she was able to open up to real feelings in a couple.
Ashamed to feel
To be happy in a relationship, you need to be able to exchange feelings and thoughts with your partner without a shield or sword. But openness to both women and men is often hindered by echoes of depreciation of feelings from childhood.
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Excited, he came to my mother to ask what the incomprehensible word heard in the yard meant. And my mother grunted that such words are said only by drunkards.
- She shared that she liked the boy with whom I was sitting at the same desk. And in the morning I hear my innermost mother tell grandmother, laughing cheerfully at the incipient feelings.
- I studied my own body, and my father entered without knocking. Would fall through the ground!
- Cried when he wrote that there was no need to meet again. Dad said: "Calm down, nobody died!"
Without understanding ourselves and our children, we ourselves rush through life emotionally and intellectually limited, unknowingly bearing the germs of children's ability to feel, be aware and express their feelings.
An emotional child is very painful if parents underestimate the seriousness of his first love, his doubts and worries, if they are forbidden to cry. A golden obedient child, accustomed to please his mother, is unbearably painful from the shame if she found him masturbating. The meaning of the swear word remained a mystery for years, but if the mother then reacted to the child's curiosity with disgust, the anchor of the attitude to sex as something dirty, unworthy, allowed only to bumboys has already been laid.
These are just some of the touches on why you can't feel, trust, open up to relationships on an emotional and sexual level. And if we are scared to give up sincerity in a couple, then it does not work out to enjoy what the partner is ready to share with us.
I want to do something worthwhile in life, but nothing comes of it
A speaker at a professional master class for half an hour tells not his subject, but how his mother, when he entered the university, said: “Well, if they didn't take it anywhere else …” Thirty years have passed, and he still remembers it. It still hurts him that his mother's expectations could not be met, because his mother did not appreciate his dreams.
"Mom wanted a lieutenant in the fleet, but gave birth to an idiot."
In adolescence, we strive to show our properties in society. The house and the yard sandbox are not enough for the grown volume of the psyche, for the developed skills. Ideally, family and school give us the opportunity to develop and test our talents first. In reality, the loss of a sense of security before puberty can provoke a delay in psychosexual development and cause mental trauma, which will interfere with the realization of oneself to the full extent of one's potential.
For owners of different vectors, different stressful situations in childhood are a critical stop-valve in development.
- An agile, adventurous, resourceful child is seriously injured if he is beaten or humiliated with a word. To withstand stress, he adjusts to a repetitive oppressive situation and subsequently unconsciously strives not for well-being, but for pain, for social failure, for personal collapse again and again. He himself does not understand why, instead of success, failures overtake him all the time.
- A sensitive, open, impressionable child, not able to offend even a cockroach, experiences the greatest stress from the severing of emotional ties. The kid loved with all his heart a teddy bear with a patch on his paw, but he was thrown out. Or he considered the lop-eared spaniel his only true friend, and the dog was hit by a car in front of a child. Or he was locked in a dark closet for offense, and since then horror has filled all the space of his soul. From such stress, a vulnerable baby at the physical level can lose sight, and at the level of the psyche, start to be afraid to become attached to someone and feel feelings, because it always hurts. And then the world will lose a person with a big heart, who could help, understand and make happy many, but instead closes in fear for himself.
- The receptive ears and brain of the precocious child are most stressed by loud noises and sick meanings. To protect himself from screaming, he hides first in the closet, then in his room, then forever clogs up in his head. Never having received the conditions for the development of the skill to listen to the world around him and generate ideas that can change the course of human evolution.
- Not giving a word, hitting the lips by nature of a talkative child means not giving him the opportunity to train the skill of an orator whom the whole world wants to listen to. Instead of unifying meanings, he will only be able to broadcast shocking gossip.
- All the time to urge, urge on and devalue a diligent and judicious child who needs his mother's approval like food is to overwhelm the analytical mind from childhood with reasons for resentment and aggression, although scientific knowledge could be stored there.
When a child is in a state of stress for a long time for one of his vectors, in order to get the feeling of safety and security necessary for mental balance, he is forced to show his not yet formed properties of an adult type.
So, a small earner, having not really learned how to mine, build, create bridges, factories, steamships, iPhones and spacecrafts, begins to steal in order to somehow compensate for the state of over-stress. A sensitive and emotional child, not yet knowing how to sympathize with another person, will get emotions with hysterics. A genius from birth, not having learned to concentrate the mind on constructive thoughts, goes into himself, into drugs, into virtual reality. Growing up, a person with an unconscious childhood trauma continues to live according to fixed pathological patterns.
Childhood traumas are not a hindrance to adult happiness
Our parents did not know what potential was given to their children by nature. They did not even suspect that their abrupt refusal, punishment, an extra spoonful of soup, a raised voice, a laugh, or just dropped by a "fool" or "idiot" cause great harm to their beloved child.
When we ourselves understand what factors were traumatic for our psyche, we get the exact coordinates of the breakdown and a tool for repair.
The blow to the psyche was so unbearable that it was pushed into the unconscious, and from there, from around the corner, continues to rule our lives. When you add up causes and effects, you uncover the "traitor", he stops writing the script of our life. A conscious perception of oneself and others helps to remove many negative states and their influence on the present. The strength appears to turn off the painful path and direct oneself into the channel of healthy and happy relationships in a couple, in a team, in society. Anyone can get such a result after the training "System-vector psychology".
