Be good for everyone. Where does the "good girl" script come from?
In my imagination, the "good girl" is happy. She is successful at work, surrounded by friends, she definitely has a hobby. And most importantly: next to a good girl is a good boy. They met, fell in love, got married and live happily ever after. In my opinion, this is so - the real story looks a little different …
In my opinion, a woman is a fabulous flower: beautiful, delightfully delicate and wonderful. What do others expect from her? The social traits of the female half of humanity are hard work and responsiveness. In the spiritual plan, she must be benevolent and reasonable, calm and in a good mood.
For as long as I can remember (except for my teenage years, when I cut my hair to zero), I have always tried to be good: not to offend anyone in vain, to help others and not to create unnecessary difficulties. At some point, I caught myself on the fact that I was dependent on the benevolence of others and on the feelings that arise in me at the same time. In general, the attitude of people becomes, as it were, a confirmation of the correctness of my actions, deeds and, in general, my whole life.
It turns out that the main incentive that prompts me to act is the desire to win approval. And if there is no approval, I suffer. It's kind of a good girl scenario. At the training "System-vector psychology" Yuri Burlan shows the mechanism for the formation of such a scenario and helps to get out of it. After all, when a person lives for praise, he often does not live his life.
In my imagination, the "good girl" is happy. She is successful at work, surrounded by friends, she definitely has a hobby. And most importantly: next to a good girl is a good boy. They met, fell in love, got married and live happily ever after. In my opinion, this is so - the real story looks a little different …
Delicate canvas of a kind soul
It so happened that I was born into an incomplete family. In the struggle for life, my mother had to work very hard. And of course, she was often not there. It is difficult to overestimate the importance of a mother in the life of any child. I missed her hugs and heart-to-heart conversations, but at the same time, with all my being, I felt how hard it was for her. A woman without a man's support is especially vulnerable, and she transfers her stress from everyday disorder to children on an unconscious level. It so happens that the child itself is obedient and diligent. And if there is also a vulnerable soul inside, subtle, sensitive, attentiveness to mother and a desire to please her - you get an ideal child.
You can read about the life scenario of such children in our article.
And I was a very obedient girl and more than anything in the world dreamed of making my mother happy. Anything. Even the slightest action. I learned everything and very quickly, if only my mother would smile. I tried to surround her with love and care, if only she was happy. In my world, only my mother existed, and all my insides were aimed at making her life easier. All my actions were permeated with thoughts of her.
It is important for the child to get approval for the efforts made. Then he feels his importance and need and receives the sense of justice that he needs so much. Praise balances the effort involved.
Lack of attention, care, praise and recognition creates suffering. The rare grateful smiles and infrequent kind words forced me to try to be better and better, to strive for the ideal in order to be significant for my mother. After all, if my efforts are not noticed, then it means that they do not like me? Throughout my childhood, I unconsciously tried to earn praise and sympathy. And watching how my mother is not easy, I never complained to her about my problems. I wanted to keep her safe.
It turns out that all my childhood I worked tirelessly to earn a good attitude. And not getting enough love and attention, I began to think that I was not worthy of this.
When I grew up, I began to seek approval not only from my mother, but also from all the people around me. I couldn't do it any other way, in my world it was only like this. It became the raison d'être of my existence. There was a clear directive: you have to be “good”. If suddenly it does not work out, then there is a sharp deficiency of dopamine, it is similar to withdrawal from sugar in food. Desolation, loss, disorientation. Further - the desire to please with a new tremendous force to return to comfortable biochemistry. Resentment and guilt gradually build up.
Resentment and guilt: two sides of the same coin
Following the script of a good girl, you have to try very hard to be useful and necessary to others. Endless requests for support, promises, meetings - in a word, a cycle of events. And there comes a time when there are so many obligations that you have to make inhuman efforts to please everyone. I try my best because it is even harder to refuse.
And if it happens that after all the efforts made, an elementary "thank you!" Does not come, a feeling of resentment arises: "I am not appreciated!" The feeling of resentment has a cumulative effect and, over time, weighs heavily on the heart.
The modern rhythm of life is so powerful that it is simply impossible to catch everything. There are situations when you still have to refuse. And so, instead of calmly going about my business, I begin to torment myself with the thoughts that I have let the person down.
I try so hard to please everyone that I forget or do not have time to do the really necessary things. Feelings of guilt and resentment, like a swing, swing life from side to side. Over time, these destructive feelings spread farther and deeper, making it impossible for a person to find an inner balance between what others want and what he himself wants.
Fear of the reaction of others. Prohibition to express feelings
As it turned out, it is extremely important for me to maintain good relations with everyone in the world, I am even ready to keep silent about my feelings, if necessary. Not admitting that it hurts. Freeze in the silence of your own resentment …
"Shouting does not paint a girl, and quarrels are generally unacceptable for a well-mannered person." I thought so. Is always. What a shame! What will others think? There is no need to show your heart at all. You just need to keep silent. And to say what you think is also not necessary - suddenly I will say something wrong.
Once I decide to express my opinion and with a sinking heart I wait: “How will people react? What if I accidentally offended someone? What if they don't like it? What if they think I'm bad? Such horror rolls over, to the point of stupidity. Even breathless. Henceforth, I understand that it is better to remain silent so as not to hurt someone's feelings and not to offend anyone inadvertently.
I am so afraid of conflicts that I am ready to endure anything to avoid quarrels. I want to be perfect in the eyes of others. I love to please and be comfortable for everyone. I cannot “become bad”, refuse someone out of fear that they will stop loving me …
The natural desire of the psyche …
Be perfect.
A great desire to love and be loved, to be the best in everything is typical for women with an anal-visual ligament of vectors. This is their main dream, and nature has given them everything they need to fulfill this dream. They like to take care of other people, to help. It is this innate property of mine that I realized at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
If a girl with such a psyche grew up in conditions of love and understanding, she will position herself correctly. And in relations with loved ones, colleagues, and in general with the outside world. She will find a wonderful husband who will meet her request.
Because of the hardships suffered in childhood, the "good" girl gets traumatized in her vectors, and the imprint of pain remains in her. And the lack of parental love and attention, the stressful state of the mother can slow down psychological development.
Internal insecurity, a feeling of being unnecessary, unwanted, a misconception about relationships since childhood, as well as a lack of understanding of one's own nature create difficulties for implementation in a couple and in society. Such a girl is doomed to suffer until she realizes her true desires, until she gets to know herself, mastering systemic knowledge.
In the meantime … The dream of a "healthy" pair relationship, of great love remains beyond reality. In her desire to be good, to please everyone, she is so forgotten and gets used to it that there is a chance to get lost completely, to stop distinguishing between her feelings and those of others, her desires and those of others.
Watch a video on how you can live not your life:
It also happens that people begin to take advantage of our good nature and reliability. They operate without returning us recognition and gratitude. Then we feel deceived, underestimated, as if we were thrown to the sidelines of life, as a loser. You need to be able to understand the psyche of people, to understand their intentions in order to see who and what can be allowed.
To be good is very good. It is important that this goodness is not an end in itself, does not run counter to our true desires, does not interfere with feeling and enjoying life.
With the help of the knowledge provided by Yuri Burlan's training "System-Vector Psychology", one comes to understand the nature of one's desires and an understanding of the psyche of others. Awareness of your internal attitudes makes it possible to stop endless running in a circle, trying to please everyone. The need to earn our dose of favor releases and frees our wings. To love, to create, to give.
It is impossible to receive love, it is only possible to give it away.
Yuri Burlan>
