Blame and Excuse Mother: My Story
You are so young and you want to live! You want change and you want freshness! The urgent need to be filled with new and vivid impressions in the vicinity of a gray life is pushing to take decisive steps. Can I blame her for this?
No job, no family, no money. Who is to blame that my life did not work out? The answer is obvious.
If it were not for her, I would not constantly look back in time and would not feel lethargic and depressed. I would have found the strength to act and the meaning to get up in the morning. But she ruined my childhood, youth, and now invisibly continues to influence my life! I blame her for everything! I blame you mom …
You betrayed our family
In childhood, there was everything, but for the most part it was paradise. I remember my mother, who constantly developed us, buying colorful encyclopedias, thinking games, took us to the zoo and children's theaters. I remember how you gave us the opportunity to cry and always tried to relieve excess stress from an unpleasant situation, saying that everything is fine, that this is normal.
And I remember the divorce. I was 9. This is the main thing for which I blame you. After all, our life has changed so much.
I remember how you prepared us for what to say in court so that we would be left to live with you and not with dad. Why did you do this? For what? My father had absolutely no bad habits. He did not even cheat or curse. Why did you make me hate him? Without explaining anything, you presented us with a fact: now he will not live with us.
I remember how you broke. How she slept until 12 o'clock in the afternoon and fell on us if they woke up with noise. And I remember how very soon another man came to our house, but the new marriage did not bring lasting happiness. Instead, long years of poverty and devastation.
Your almost childish, naive crush gave me hope that happiness in the future is possible, since my mother looks so happy. Perhaps the father will find his happiness. Maybe divorce isn't so bad? I appreciated you and honored your every word: you said - it means that this is the truth and that means it is the best for us. But it didn't get better.
Seeing that over time our whole family is slipping lower and lower into a hopeless existence, I began to feel deceived. Then - deeply offended. And over time - more and more who hate you for each subsequent mistake.
You left us
From a fairly wealthy large family, we turned into a new one, your family - with a new husband and a new child, but already without us: without children - it seemed, abandoned by everyone, and without a father, who for some time still tried to knock on the door and call home. At the same time, poverty came to us with its malnutrition, third-hand clothing and humanitarian supplies, for which we, the older children, went. You gave all the warmth to the youngest - your new daughter, while we were left with screams, strict orders and unfair breakdowns. I had a feeling that you left us. From now on, the center of your attention was your new husband and new sister.
Why did all this happen in my family, in my house? How did I allow this? If not for this divorce! If it were not for her this whim, our family happiness could continue! You acted like a real selfish! How could you?!
I was small and could not defend the house. But there was you - big and adult, who allowed all this. I no longer felt at home and safe. Now strangers appeared in it, and along with them other people's habits: beer, chips, dried fish on the newspaper … - this strange, dirty world! I felt that I had no right to stand with a pitchfork at the doorstep of the house while you were there, who could and should fulfill this role. But you didn't.
Could I forgive you, Mom, when you took my family, my sense of home and protection from me? You deprived me of what was the highest value for me! Didn't you understand how important this is ?!
Don't be like her
Now, no matter what I undertake, I always think about what you would do. All my actions are bound by fear: will it not work out like you? My main task is not to be the same, always to be different. And if there is a hint of similarity, I will run away, leave, reject this situation.
What does it mean?
I will never treat my children like that, leave them, leave them, betray them. The best way to keep a promise is not to have children at all!
I will never be such an egoist who thinks only about her convenience and does not value her partner - her husband, life-mate! The best way to keep a promise is not to have any relationship with men!
I will never be so poor! I will hold on to a stable job, just not to plow on adventurous extra jobs. The best way to keep a promise is to get confident pennies, even at the cost of torment in a team that does not understand you, but never try new things, not take risks. Better not to work at all!
And I will never force my non-existent children and husband to be humiliated by poverty. Therefore, until the very last moment I myself will try to steer in this life and will never be able to accept help from outside.
Thus, I save myself from your mistakes. I take a vow, I put a prohibition, so that for sure, so that for sure in nothing to be like you. So that you would never and never be able to reproach me in return. Blame the way I've done it all these years in my heart.
Unfortunately, it was this kind of deeply hurt belief that led me to where I ended up. I could not even imagine that a woman with a grudge against her mother could deceive herself so subtly and rob her life …
Save your life
Now that I am left at a broken trough, when my life - I clearly see it - is just a quagmire, absorbing me more and more every year, I feel an urgent need to free myself. A little more, and everything will go under the water of resentment and unfulfillment. One more breath …
For too long I have given years of my life to the past. In attempts to cut this rope, how many things were passed: "letters of forgiveness" and "letters of anger", rituals, prayers, esotericism, speaking and personal conversations with mom in the kitchen. When there was no strength left to fight with myself, with resentment and with my mother, I just closed in on myself.
Despair and melancholy covered more and more, until I got to the free lectures of the training "System-vector psychology". On them, Yuri Burlan and the results of many people gave me hope that for the first time in my life I could truly live, without offense, without a constant burden. I couldn't believe my ears, but the little girl inside, for whom her mother is still beloved and infallible, held on to faith in the best to the last. I went through training and was convinced that it is possible to understand and justify the mother.
Understand your properties
I learned that only people with a certain mentality feel resentment, especially towards the mother.
We have a very important quality - good memory. We do not tolerate changes and it is difficult to tolerate novelty in life.
Family, home and all the values associated with this are very important to us. This is why my parents' divorce became so painful for me. Seeing a family crumbling apart is like the collapse of a lifetime, the end of the world for a small child.
The only thing that smoothed out for me this new incident in an established and prosperous family, which I perceived her, was the unshakable authority of the mother's words, the fact that the divorce was her decision. For us, people with an anal vector, the mother is a saint. She gave us life, she is the source of home and well-being. This is how we perceive, this is how we would like to see her.
Remembering not only the good, but also the bad, I could not reconcile myself and let go of the past. I was paralyzed by the feeling that I had not been given enough. “So that everyone is equally divided” is another property of the anal vector. Our sense of justice is based on the same thing: I was offended, so they owe me. And if they do not give it away, then they themselves must suffer exactly the same amount.
But who am I punishing without living my life? Will the abuser suffer from denying myself happiness?
Understand the properties of mom
My mother's psyche is different. We are in many ways similar, but at that fateful moment of making the decision to divorce, she was driven by completely different considerations.
Now I see that my mother could not do otherwise. She acted as she could, and was guided by the properties that her psychic possesses.
The skin vector has its own characteristics: it is characterized by a desire for change, social growth, movement, activity. It is he who creates and defends the law, which is fully reflected in my mother's choice of professional activity - she is a lawyer.
At some point, I felt my mother from the inside: when you have four children requiring attention and care, a job where nothing new happens, a husband with whom you lack emotional intimacy, you are ready to take a risk and make a decision that promises new prospects, opportunities and gives hope for the best.
I don't know what my mother was exactly thinking, but knowing the properties of her psyche, I understand that she just wanted to be happy. So that this petrified lump of life undergoes at least some changes and turns into something new and refreshing its life.
Mom also has a visual vector, the main feature of which is the thirst for bright and strong emotions and love.
At the beginning of family life, my mother had enough of her own charge, and visual desires were filled with still warm feelings for her husband and children. Over time, when you do not know either your properties, much less how to help yourself in moments when it becomes scary, sad, painful and just lonely, your vision falls - literally and figuratively. Loss of vision - a problem that accompanied my mother all her life, testifies to the severing of an emotional connection, the loss of something very valuable for a person with such a mentality.
Indeed, she did not receive support. Her own mother (my grandmother), the owner of a harsh anal vector, being in her frustrations, only criticized her daughter for any decision or idea she made. The girlfriends lived their lives, and the only one who was for - for the divorce, retired at the very first serious actions of her mother: “What a fool - to give up everything! And for what?"
What can a woman with a skin-visual ligament do when she is alone, alone with fear of the future and without support? Find support and a sense of security in a man.
She also did not treat us children like all mothers. More emotional closeness, which was like hanging out with a girlfriend, and less caring about how to raise us. More precisely, to grow. I remember how she compared us to flowers that you just need to put on a balcony in the sun and they will grow by themselves. This sounds insulting to me, for whom family and children are one of the leading values, me, who, due to her long and deep resentment against her mother, deprives herself of this treasure and the opportunity to do everything right.
Justify
Could this amazing woman, young and ambitious, have done otherwise? Could she not be herself? When did what I perceive as home and stability felt like a cage, like an intolerable state of fossilization?
You are so young and you want to live! You want change and you want freshness! The urgent need to be filled with new and vivid impressions in the vicinity of a gray life is pushing to take decisive steps. Can I blame her for this?
In addition, I see that she too suffered in her youth from her mother. How you want to break this chain of hatred and resentment!
Realizing my peculiarities and yours, mom, I noticed that my insult is melting before our eyes. It is replaced by a very warm and pleasant feeling of love and gratitude. I see how much you have invested in us, what a solid sensual foundation you have laid in us. Yes, we are different, but this does not prevent me from finding a common language with you. On the contrary, I know how we can communicate better, and I look forward to the next time we gather in the kitchen as close friends. You will tell about my childhood in bright colors, share the news from your life. And I will accept you. With all my heart.
