Family ties: a happy union or a senseless burden?
I don't sleep at night. Like a lunatic I wander through the rooms, I look at the sleeping children, at you and am horrified by the emptiness I have become. I don't feel anything, I don't want anything. I do not know how to play with children, to be light and natural. I can't be a good wife, please you, inspire you. I don't even want intimacy with you. I can not. I do not know how. I do not want…
- Would you like some tea? - Sveta sat on the edge of the bed and tried to feel the slippers with her foot.
- Tea?.. Was it really that bad? You used to like ice cream after sex.
Finally diving into the warm fur of home shoes, Sveta quietly walked into the kitchen, groped the kettle on and froze near the window.
“I’ll have tea,” sounded close to her ear, and her chilled shoulders sank into the warm cloth of a large man's robe. Sveta liked how her husband's things smelled: the subtle aroma of cologne mixed with cigarette smoke, but now this mixture unceremoniously hit right in the brain.
- Something happened?
Silence.
- Something will happen?
The same answer.
- Need to talk? - the husband was tenderly persistent. He always felt when he "found" in the Light. She understood his good intentions, but each time it became more difficult to respond to the offered help.
- Yes. Perhaps,”she breathed softly. - Thank you for fiddling with me.
Still turning off the light, she poured something into the cups and poured boiling water over.
- It's coffee. Nothing?
- I understood. The conversation will be long.
- Sorry. - Collecting her thoughts, Sveta hugged the hot cup with her thin fingers. - I think I'm drowning. I'm sucked into cold dark steel. I can’t move, resist, shout. It seems that I will close my eyes a little more, suffocate, surrender …
- You have me! - quietly but confidently sounded out of the darkness.
- I know. But I have to myself.
The husband was ready for anything for her. And he has repeatedly pulled him out of the swamp. But something was wrong.
- Salvation of drowning people, as they say … - Sveta said bitterly and took a sip of the darkness from her cup. - You know, I always thought I was strong. Or rather, special. Thought singularity was also power. She fills you with something big and important, makes you stand out from the crowd. But instead of advantages, this feature only brought trouble and pain.
Because of her, I had no friends. Later, when everyone had broken up in pairs, no one looked in my direction. I didn't even feel like an ugly duckling, but a monster. She hated not only the body, but also her very essence. The very "feature" that I was. Or was she me? It doesn't matter!.. But it was she who became my prison, a real curse.
While you are small and defenseless, this is an unbearable burden. Either the crowd eats you for being different … Or … No, I didn't become like everyone else. And she lost herself, the connection with that great and important in herself. With that very strength and peculiarity.
Being “special” turned out to be “alien”. For all.
It has always been that way. In all my attempts to build a relationship, something did not grow together, did not stick together. Gradually I began to suspect that it was not the other's business. This is something wrong with me. It was hard to live with such a thought. I didn't manage to justify myself, to feel good and correct. Added a sense of guilt. It was bitter and ashamed.
I did not feel those who were around, did not understand their actions, hobbies, principles. And for them I was a riddle, a cold sphinx, "confused all over my head." The gap was too big, no chance of getting closer. And there was no particular desire.
At some point, I decided to stay alone forever. Do not seek, do not try, do not hope. I was satisfied with the silence in the apartment, one glass of wine on the table and an empty bed. But you don't have to pretend and adjust to be nice and comfortable.
A soft sigh sank to the bottom of the cup.
- And then you appeared. Surprisingly, you were not afraid of my oddities.
- I love you. Not your moods,”her husband's voice touched her cheek with soft coffee warmth.
They sat there in the dark with their eyes closed - it was easier to see.
- Yes. It won me over then. And also your patience. You did not rush, did not press, did not try to change me. I took it entirely.
With you I felt safe, I was able to take off my mask, put down the armor that I used to protect myself from the world. It even seemed to me that I was normal. Just a woman, like any other.
Before, I didn't want children. Thought I'd be a bad mother. Children must be loved, educated, taught. And there was no love in me. There was nothing but a bottomless void. Black and cold. Then you managed to melt it. It was my first spring in my life. Despite my thirty plus, I felt eighteen. For the first time I wanted to live, breathe, blossom, and not be a faded herbarium, squeezed by the pages of an old book. And, like an old apple tree, I suddenly started budding, found hope, gave birth to children. I am a mother of twins! One thought about this is from the realm of fantasy.
But it didn't take long before something broke inside. You are still the best thing in my life. Only the joy somehow faded. As if a gap has appeared in the soul, and life flows through it.
What was the long-awaited happiness, strength, support, suddenly shattered. It turned out to be only a shaky reflection on the surface of the water. I stretch out my hand, but the wet cold burns my fingers, and the picture is blurring more and more. A little more, and it will be carried away by the current, and I will remain on the shore all alone.
I want to return to you, to us, to myself. But as if she had forgotten the way home. Amnesia of feelings and meanings: I don't remember who I am and why I am here, what I experienced, what I thought, dreamed about. It seems that I once owned something, and then lost it. And without this there is no me.
I don't sleep at night. Like a lunatic I wander through the rooms, I look at the sleeping children, at you and am horrified by the emptiness I have become. I don't feel anything, I don't want anything. I do not know how to play with children, to be light and natural. I can't be a good wife, please you, inspire you. I don't even want intimacy with you. I can not. I do not know how. I do not want.
Sveta pushed aside the cooled cup, turned to the window and opened her eyes. There were no tears.
“I can't even cry like a normal aunt! Throw herself into her husband's arms, give oneself to be consoled …”At the thought of touching the Light shuddered. But her husband sat motionless in his chair, intently listening to her words.
"How much longer can he withstand this?" - flashed through my head.
- Why do you need it? It turns out that I deceived you: the fairy tale turned into a nightmare, and the beauty turned into a monster.
- Don't you dare slander my wife! - the husband said with a smile in his voice. - You are wonderful, the best in the world! I really care about you!
- Here you are right: you pay dearly for living with me. You give all of yourself, love, care, time … Is the price justified?
The conversation turned onto a shaky path. Both felt despair hanging in the darkness of the kitchen. The husband understood that any of his arguments would be broken, but he made another attempt:
- Light, we need you. Highly.
- I know. This is the only thing that kept me going so far. But … I don't need me myself, - lightning struck the darkness.
- What are you saying?! - the husband darted from his seat, turned his wife to him, with his palms slightly lifted her face up.
“The truth,” she calmly pulled aside his warm hands. - What for? Why live like this? Pretend, endure. Everyone suffers because of me. Do not convince me! I know. I cannot be a burden to you if I am a burden to myself. It's not fair.
Sveta took cups from the table and turned on the water.
“It’s better if I’m not there,” she said with calm conviction.
- But Light! Shine! Light!.. - Her husband's voice trembled in despair.
- The light went out. It went out. And for a long time. I only briefly convinced myself that the emptiness inside is from loneliness, that my family and children will heal me. I know it sounds harsh, but to be honest, in mating and breeding, how are we different from animals? What is the meaning of being the “crown of nature”? Why are we here? And if there is no sense, then why try, endure this pain, torment yourself and torment others? I don't want to!
There was silence in the kitchen for a long time. Sveta did not feel relief from what she said. It didn't change anything.
The husband sat with his head in his hands and thought feverishly. It was always difficult for him to understand his spouse. He felt that there was something in her that was not in himself. For him, the family was the highest happiness, and Svetin's maximum was clearly beyond the boundaries of sensations that he could understand. Her pain was so piercing that it was transmitted to him. There was no condemnation. There was confusion, helplessness, despair.
…
A woman with a sound vector is a different league. Other desires, interests. The bar is of a completely different height. Any woman wants to receive protection, safety, security from a man. Zvukovichka hopes that her partner will provide her with the main thing - SENSE. Everything else seems small, empty, temporary.
Life is like a train rushing along an endless track into an unknown distance. Someone enjoys the view outside the window, chews sandwiches, enjoys communicating with fellow travelers. And someone is fixated only on understanding where and why this prison on wheels carries him. The feeling of being imprisoned not only in the family, but also in one's own destiny does not give one the pleasure of traveling. Husband, children, everyday life, work, rest - everything annoys, distracts from the goal of the path itself.
What to do? To rip off the stopcock, to get off at one of the stops - to leave the family or even from life, without reaching the essence? Or arm yourself with knowledge, understand yourself, realize the meaning of the movement and independently choose a happy route?
Today any woman can do it. All the more so for a woman with a sound vector.
