Sasha wants to become a girl
- Mom, why should Sasha be a girl? - Masha continues to ask me. The question baffles me - not because I don't know the answer, but because I don't know how to explain it to my nine-year-old daughter. How can we explain the tragedy of a skin-visual boy who is mistaken for a girl?
- Mom, Sasha said that when he grows up, he will become a girl, - said my nine-year-old daughter.
For the past nine years, I have had to learn not to interfere and at the same time help my daughter to grow up. As a parent, I know how difficult it is to determine the level of influence that is normal for each situation on a child. I don't want to let everything go by itself and I don't want to put too much pressure on my daughter. I make decisions based on her opinion, but I rely on my experience and knowledge. In the family of my daughter's friend, Sasha, everything is not so, according to my observations.
I have known Sasha and his parents for six years. My daughter and boy were in the same group in kindergarten. The lockers are nearby, at the table next to them - and they became friends. Yes, and we live in the same area, the roads often intersect: in the store, on the playground. But most often I met Sasha's parents in kindergarten. While the children were dressing, we threw the news. Sasha's mother gave the impression of being soft, compliant, caring. She worked a lot with the child and, like a kind sorceress, created an ideal world around her son without anxiety and stress.
I liked the friendship between Masha and the boy. He never offended neither daughter, nor anyone in the group. At matinees he was a little shy, but still he read poetry and sang songs. Sometimes Sasha's mother asked to pick him up from the kindergarten: she could not get home from work. Sasha loved it very much when I read books. The children sat on the couch next to me and listened to interesting stories. They cried, compassion for the heroes, rejoiced at their victories, worried when the heroes had difficulties. Sociable, kind, dreamy, fragile-looking boy, with a cute face and long hair, he looked like a girl and was drawn to girly games.
Sasha's mother first complained to me that her son was mistaken for a girl, but after my proposal to give him a short haircut, she stopped. At that time she replied that long hair is Sasha's desire, and she does not want to put pressure on the boy. I was surprised and asked:
- At four years old?
- Yes, - said my mother, - in the family we adhere to a non-violent upbringing.
- But clothes and hairstyle are a designation of a child's gender. This makes it easier for him to understand that he is a boy.
The adamant "I don't want to hurt the child" discouraged me from interfering with my advice.
I watched the relationship between dad and son when the father took him from the kindergarten. He talked to his son in a friendly way, and it was noticeable that the boy was becoming more serious with his dad. They had common topics for discussion. Only once in the corridor of the kindergarten, when the two of us came for Sasha, I heard my father indignantly ask his wife: "What are you making a girl out of him?" To which she burst out with an indisputable pedagogical monologue about modern tolerant upbringing without violence.
Fathers often stop interfering in the upbringing process, not wanting to quarrel and handing over responsibility to someone who is eager to hold the reins of government in their hands. And a few years later, Sasha's mother shared that there was no understanding between her and her husband, so she was thinking about a divorce. The child, instead of being a link between the parents, separates them. In fact, the conflict between the mother and the father, who does not agree with the idea of unconditional parental approval, pushes to divorce.
In America, since the 60s of the 20th century, the idea of nonviolent communication has been developing (an approach developed by Marshall Rosenberg). Over time, this deep idea, based on the fact that everyone is capable of empathy, takes in the upbringing of children the form of unconditional acceptance, love, approval, which sometimes hides the parental fear of not pleasing, fear of the child's displeasure.
What mothers become supporters of the idea of nonviolent parenting? Those whose psyche is based on emotions, those for whom feelings of love, beauty, humanistic and moral ideas are important. It is very important here to distinguish whether a person has developed sensuality. His life in the future depends on this - whether he will be happy or will have to make up for what was missed in childhood, and this is very laborious and even sometimes impossible.
Developed sensuality presupposes deep empathy, compassion for another person, and the ability to empathize. If parents, most often mothers, passionately or even fanatically follow the ideas of nonviolent upbringing, then one can assume their lack of personal fulfillment and weak sensitivity. Therefore, they give the child what they themselves did not receive in childhood. "You are the most beautiful in the world" - they are ready to listen to these words all day. We are ready to notice around only cooing doves and a rainbow in a cloudless sky. They consider this world without difficulties and hardships to be desirable for their child. They call this world unconditional love.
Why would Sasha be a girl?
- Mom, why should Sasha be a girl? - Masha continues to ask me.
The question baffles me - not because I don't know the answer, but because I don't know how to explain it to my nine-year-old daughter.
How can we explain the tragedy of a skin-visual boy who is mistaken for a girl? His perception of himself is largely shaped by the way others perceive him. And above all, parents. They and the people around him often compare him to a girl. Mom unconsciously wants to repeat herself - to give birth to a girl, her little copy. And even if such a special feminine boy was born - mothers love them the most and often treat them like girls. So weak, fearful, crying. They shield them from the influence of the world, indulge and unconsciously reinforce the emerging concept of themselves as a girl.
Yes, the boy feels that he is different, that men are not like him. Tries to hold back tears, fight the fear of the dark, but where to put emotions? Everything on the face is open, sincere, sincere. He begins to think that the behavior of girls is closer to him than that of boys. Of course, this belief does not arise overnight, but develops gradually, being born out of the fears experienced by the boy.
Fears intensify the desire to hide, to change. They are caused by the fact that the child loses a sense of security and safety at school, on the street, but above all in the family. In Sasha, an outwardly prosperous family, due to the tense relationship between father and mother, the son is under prolonged stress. The firmness of my mother's position is so strong that she does not want to hear and agree in anything with a different opinion. She wants to remain the kindest, most accepting and progressive mother, considering it pressure even to explain the destructiveness of the idea of changing sex.
Does she foresee the consequences? Does it know how many people regret changing sex? The unhappy boy imagines that one day he will wake up as a beautiful girl, not knowing the number of operations and their consequences. And the "happy girl" is not at all a guaranteed result of the pain and dangers of this process. A life dedicated to the body, a constantly blurring image. After all, what you have at 17 will not remain the same at 30-40.
While the child has not yet formed, we have the responsibility to make him a good, happy person. The way of developing sensuality for skin-visual boys - the ability to compassion, love, worry about others - is the only way to get rid of fears, and therefore, to take place as a man. And the main role here is given to reading classical literature.
Sasha's mother does a lot of right things to make the boy's fate and life better. Dancing, music school, girls' environment. Nobody insists that he play with the boys. At school, Sasha is not teased - he studies well, participates in the life of the class. As a gentleman, he is attentive to my Masha and other girls. He doesn't need to become a girl - he can find his place in life. Only parents can sometimes be reminded that their influence on the child is quite wide and implies not only sensitivity to desires, the creation of a favorable environment, but also knowledge of the characteristics of the child's development, the ability to direct in the right direction. I received this knowledge at the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.