My child has everything, but he wants nothing
The first thing to start with is to deal with your own desires, aspirations unsatisfied since childhood. To see the psychological nature of your child, to understand what he is, what he wants, what he is drawn to, what he is interested in. All desires are innate and can manifest themselves, even if now it seems that he is not interested in anything …
Morning. School. A brand new Lexus slowly rolls along the fence. At the very gate she slows down, releasing the schoolgirl from the seventh "A".
Snow-white Converse, Gucci jeans, Vuitton backpack, iPhone X …
Alena is the most popular girl at school. As soon as she gets out of the car, someone is immediately found who will carry her backpack. And it's even more often girls - they want to feel at least a little fashionable. Alena herself doesn't care, she doesn't care. The backpack is light, there are no books in it.
She's not sure if she wants to go to school today, so slowly walking up the stairs Alena does not take off her sunglasses even in the dark corridor. It falls into the class exclusively by inertia.
The mood is zero. In the morning I again listened to his favorite lectures from my father on the topic: "We, parents, did not have this in childhood, but you, children, turn up your noses." And all because she did not show enthusiasm for his gift.
“Well, yes, he gave me a horse - great. What for? At the age of six I wanted a pony, at fourteen it's somehow no longer relevant."
In the lesson, she looks at one point with a completely indifferent gaze, wondering what to do with herself today. “The club is tired, bowling is stupid, the pool is not interesting, SP is boring. I’ll watch TV series at home, I don’t want anything.”
In the eyes of her classmates, she has everything. Not life, but a fairy tale. In the eyes of her parents, they give her what they themselves did not have, but always wanted. In the eyes of Alena - apathy, gradually turning into depression.
Why is she so bad? Did the "golden" youth get sick? How can you not use anything when all the possibilities are open to you?
I want to give you everything my baby
Each parent strives to provide his child with everything he needs. This is normal. Sometimes you want to pamper, make a birthday present, present a surprise for no reason, surprise, cause admiration, joy, hear ringing laughter and see burning eyes.
Parents who cannot provide the child with all those purchases that he would like, feel internal discomfort, a kind of their own failure, failure. Therefore, they often deny themselves largely in favor of children's acquisitions. Often in such families, the child is dressed better than the parents, has expensive toys and gadgets, accessories and entertainment, and the parents are content with something simpler.
The same moms and dads, who are able to acquire any thing for a child, satisfy any desire, very rarely restrain themselves in this. It's nice to pamper a person dear to your heart. What's wrong with that, because we didn't have this in childhood? It is sheer pleasure.
And at the same time a trap.
How desire is born
Human nature is always directed towards receiving. Any person is actually a bundle of desires, and a child is a constant “give” and “want”.
At first, the desire is small. Not getting satisfaction right away, it begins to grow, create discomfort in sensations, push out of the comfort zone, make them "wiggle their paws" in order to achieve what they want. And when we get what we wanted, we experience pleasure. The greater the desire, the stronger the pleasure. The stronger the hunger, the tastier the food.
Driven by our desires, we develop, move, make efforts. For example, the desire to perform on stage makes a girl learn to dance or sing. Striving to be a winner makes the boy practice running, swimming or scoring goals. The desire to help people, to sympathize, to alleviate their suffering pushes a person to enter the medical institute. And the need to find out how everything works gives rise to an interest in physics, mathematics, and so on.
When we, parents, satisfy the child's desire "on takeoff", "in the bud", it does not have time to grow up, which means it cannot give real pleasure. Kutsey, fleeting satisfaction - yes, strong joy - no.
The child has not yet had time to strongly want some kind of toy, as they have already bought it. I didn't have time to decide what kind of phone he wants - he already has the newest one. Before the upcoming birthday, grandparents ask what to give, and the grandson no longer knows what to answer, because he already has everything.
What can please a child who has everything?..
Gradually, from day to day, over the years, an inner conviction is formed that nothing in this world pleases him, does not interest him, does not inspire him. Permissiveness, all-accessibility, satiety give rise to apathy. There is hatred behind her. No hobbies, no movement, no development.
Why do parents spoil their children?
We all remember our childhood. And the negative moments are remembered for the whole life, because childhood psychotraumas hurt very badly. Therefore, even as adults, we still remember an unbought car, a missed disco and old sneakers, when the whole class was already wearing new ones … And therefore we strive to save our child from these experiences, to get rid of negative memories, fears and resentments.
Or maybe it was the absence of this coveted machine that made us think, look for a way out and a way to make money and buy it for ourselves? Perhaps the missed disco confirmed once again in the thought how dear communication with friends is for us, and we began to appreciate it more. And the old sneakers gave a reason to run on physical education faster than anyone, so there was nothing to reproach and laugh at. And what we are doing now, already having our children, is it maybe not really love, but an attempt to satisfy our past shortages at the expense of the child?
It is extremely important to work through the psychological trauma of childhood. To get rid of the consequences and echoes of the past, many trainees of the training "System-Vector Psychology" succeeded. On the testimonial page, there are a lot of results on this topic.
How to return the child's wishes?
The first thing to start with is to deal with your own desires, aspirations unsatisfied since childhood. To see the psychological nature of your child, to understand what he is, what he wants, what he is drawn to, what he is interested in. All desires are innate and can manifest themselves, even if now it seems that he is not interested in anything.
Then gradually stop asking the child. Listen and take a closer look - what he asks, and … perhaps for the first time in his life - delay with the purchase. Invent a reason, circumstance, "forget" the wallet or "accidentally" block the card.
In this way you will try to grow desire, increase scarcity, increase the desirability of acquisition. If after a while the child still reminds you of what he wants, then he really needs it. Then it's worth thinking about how he can earn or earn what he wants.
Excellent grades, household chores, achievements in sports, creative crafts, looking after younger ones, help in any business.
By fixing the mindset of the child “made an effort - got what he wanted”, we create the right direction in his development. And by growing scarcity, we give rise to anticipation, anxious expectation of the desired reward, and thereby increase the pleasure, the joy of receiving.
Allowing a child to "get hungry" does not mean cheating, infringing on or offending him. It means growing scarcity. To teach how to make efforts, to achieve what you want, which means to be able to enjoy life, your victories.
Being happy is a skill and your child is quite capable of mastering it. For this he needs your help. And now you know how to do it.
