The fear of stopping breathing: from a stuffy blanket to the infinity of the universe
I'm so afraid one day I will stop breathing. Close your eyes and never open. Mix with air and drown in dust. To become a part of the past only for the Earth.
I'm so scared one day to stop breathing
Close your eyes and never open
Mix with air and drown in dust
To become a part of the past only for the Earth.
Julia Khlebnikova
Layers. There is pain. Like the sound in the night. Breathing is barely audible. You catch it wherever you are. There is a crowd around you. They don't notice. For them the evening is like evening. But you definitely feel that something has happened right now. As if someone felt better. Or harder. It all depends on the polarity. In general, in your world, a lot depends on the inner polarity. And when suddenly the pain goes away, you become almost a saint. So easy. So spiritualized. So everyone! You become one breath. With an empty sound …
Story number 1. How not to go crazy? breathe
Katya did not remember when her polarity was positive. Her suffering for many years was filled with echoes of the strange feeling that her personality was being destroyed. Chaos, insensibility, fear. And now she is experiencing terrible mental anguish. Constant obsessive thoughts about the fragility of the world. Fatigue. Hopelessness. Aggression towards yourself. Sound-visual swing. Unfulfillment. Constant doubts. Fears again …
She forgot when she did something that gave her pleasure. The pills don't work. The only relief comes from the medical history of schizophrenics. She is afraid of going crazy. Lose emotions. Intelligence. Sometimes panic covers her with her head - and the only companion of her small, frail and light as breath, soul becomes the feeling of being thrown out of life. Self-aggression and feelings of detachment. I want to scream until my pulse is lost, to run somewhere, somewhere far from myself. All energy is spent only on staying in black melancholy. “And there is no one to give a hand to” - faith has weakened, breathing is hard, and the Cross presses on the crown of the head with thoughts of suicide. The soul goes out drop by drop.
When did it all start? At 17? When a terrible depression with nervous breakdowns, depersonalization and disgust for herself and the body almost brought her to a psychiatric clinic? Then there was a wild desire to become light. Clean. Almost lifeless. A sound without a body, low cutaneous libido releases the fastest. Then the church and anorexia entered the life of Katya. The search for the meaning of existence, purity of soul and lightness in the body were the best (!) Periods in Katya's short puny life. In any case, she thought so. For two years she was teetering on the edge. In small steps, both a second higher education and spiritual life went into the background. And my relationship with my parents became even more disgusting. Then books and ethereal dreams became the saving window into the real world. Privacy. And endless droppers. Or maybe it started earlier? At school? She remembersas even then I felt my rejection. How parents did not understand, how things did not work out with their peers at school. Mom … She wanted to make an ideal girl out of her, but she only multiplied conflicts and aggravated her role as an outcast.
Or a little earlier? At about 8 years old. When she had a huge devouring fear, suddenly suddenly stop breathing and lose her voice. The fear was so great that every night she breathed sharply and made sounds like mooing. Katya understood: from early childhood - and this is very scary! - there is some kind of resistance to life in it, something oppresses the soul so much, brings discord, chaos. She has no idea how to live in peace. Communicate. Develop. Cope with everyday difficulties. LIVE.
Story # 2. Live or breathe? personal experience
Breathe. Mystical process. You take a breath. Then exhale. This later you will avidly re-read Osho and his theories of life and death. Each time, subconsciously feeling close to him. Here's about you. Genius? Rather, your sonic brother. Being afraid to stop breathing is the native fear of a person with a sound vector. And when the pain from the loss of meaning falls in layers, it seems that someday you will run out of strength to breathe. You can not eat. You don't have to drink. You don't have to live. In body. But how without breathing? As without this thin thread, reminding that there is some kind of connection between You and Him. Even when you're angry with the world.
At seven, I was hiding from the world under a blanket. It was hot and dark there. Even in the afternoon, the sound grandmother was talking about the imminent end of the world. I didn't know what it was. But already in paints she represented this end. Two things worried me the most. One of them left my nose wrinkled: the skin would hurt in the fire - fire was periodically present in imaginary doomsday scenarios. Vision, where can you go from it … Sometimes the chaos was supplemented by a flood, as in the Bible (but did not want to repeat itself). But the second condition really scared me - it was the very thought that I would stop breathing. It was much more frightening than fire. You could paint yourself pictures of the Doomsday, but stop breathing? Not. To accept this was stronger than a child's desire.
It is imperative to learn to do without air. We need to practice. I screw up my eyes. Breathe in. It's hot and stuffy under the covers. I'm 6 or 7. And I know for sure that I'm losing myself without air. Panic. I can not anymore. I exhale. And again the delay. Does not work. And there, behind the blanket, ordinary life goes on. So I definitely will not stand the Day of Judgment. I let the air into my lungs with a noise. The panic is intensifying. I don't want to suddenly stop breathing !!! I!.. I!.. I!..
Story No. 3. To breathe at all costs - a contract with fear?
Have you ever tried to come to terms with yourself? What part of yourself? What if fear is in that part of you? It doesn't matter which one. Fear of being alone, not finding your love. Or just stop breathing.
Fear is impossible to negotiate. It is customary for us, modern people, to fight against fears. For example, with the help of medicines. A pill for the head, for pain, for happiness. Because of fear. Yes from everything! The reason is over-stress. Treatment is a pill. You can also try proper breathing. According to oriental techniques. “The correct breathing technique is the best helper in the fight against fears,” says some Internet resource. - Calm, rhythmic breathing can work wonders. You should breathe as if you were breathing in a dream - measured and calm. Slow inhalation (at least 5 seconds) - slow exhalation (5 seconds) - pause (5 seconds). Try to breathe not only with your lungs; include your stomach in the breathing process. Inhale should be smooth, and exhale as complete as possible. This breathing technique promotes complete relaxation. And what if the fear is preciselyto stop breathing?
Do you know how many people are afraid to stop playing? In a second, the search engine gave more than half a million answers to my question. I, of course, did not read everything, but everything that I opened was absorbed avidly. About phobias to travel in transport, so as not to suddenly accidentally suffocate from lack of air, about how people did not remember what it is normal to eat and drink - but what is there! - I had problems with my own saliva. Even because of her, you can accidentally choke, stop breathing - how many such cases!..
Stop breathing. where does the fear come from?
This fear of stopping breathing suddenly appears as if out of nowhere. “It started a month ago when I was watching TV. Suddenly it seemed for a second that I had stopped breathing. Then I began to notice that I was wildly afraid to stop breathing, and because of this, I began to monitor my breathing. As a result, it became difficult for me to breathe,”a girl with the status“Such a wonderful day: I don’t even know whether to drink tea or hang herself”describes her experiences on Fobii.net.
“I was afraid at some point to stop breathing, that is, I was afraid that I would hold my breath (deliberately) until I died from a lack of oxygen. And it happens,”the guy continues.
And there are 20 pages of such stories. Dozens of identical sensations, as if copied from the same tracing paper, only with different variations. Someone notes that they experience a feeling of unreality of the surrounding world or their own I, fear of going crazy, fear of dying. Another writes that he learned to swallow without harm to health, but now he is pursued by another phobia: it is difficult to get out of four walls. The systems view gives an accurate explanation of how closely intertwined all these seemingly unrelated phobias are.
System-vector psychoanalysis of Yuri Burlan does not explain the fear of swallowing food and even his own saliva "neurosis associated with an ambivalent conflict of separation." Does not explain it by a conflict situation or a break in relations, or dependence on a partner, parents. And not even the simultaneous presence in the subconscious of a person of opposite and conflicting feelings, for example, attachment and at the same time the desire for freedom. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And how much this iceberg is volumetric in depth can be determined using systems thinking. This is the case when a person has every chance to understand his “inner, unconscious conflict with some part of his own I”. He, as a representative of the sound vector, has a natural need for this. The sound engineer may not even represent the full power of the potential given to him by nature. Until he collides with him head-on. With wide eyes
Stop breathing. the door is wide open
And here lies the biggest pitfall of the internal flow of the sound engineer. The more he closes in on himself - first in vain attempts to understand his universe, and then just in escape, - the more for him not only his external world is devalued, but also his basic needs, which are responsible for the technical side of his involvement in the world. … He gradually ceases to be interested in the notorious "eat, drink, breathe, sleep." The more he is concentrated within himself, the weaker his successes, and then the attempts to understand the world in himself and himself in the world. And, in fact, there is nothing to understand over time. A huge black hole devours the universe.
But the desire given by nature does not go anywhere. It hangs over him like a sword of Damocles, periodically manifested by a sudden fear of stopping breathing. The more he is in himself, the more he accumulates this fear.
The sound engineer, by and large, has no choice. To learn to live, he needs to learn to focus on the external, to comprehend external signals within himself. Open your inner door and go out into the knowledge of the world and yourself.
Breathe. I can handle
For more than six months now, I have not had the feeling of being unable to breathe. Previously, it periodically overtook me. I knew for sure that this was not asthma. Diseases of the body never bothered me, and I reciprocated them. But sometimes I just couldn't breathe. A few seconds (or maybe a split second?) Opened up a deep world of total panic in me. True, I quickly forgot about her after it was all over.
For six months now I have not had these states. Just as there is no dreary monologue with oneself, when the soul leaves drop by drop. When only an outside observer lives in you, who does not care what is happening around. And even with the world within himself, he is not ready to communicate.
For six months now, I have not been afraid to stop breathing. I didn't even notice the changes in myself until I heard the confession of another interlocutor: “Sometimes I have a wild desire not to breathe. I breathe in deeply and hold my breath. Not breathing is probably a stupid desire, but what a thrill I feel when I inhale! Probably, it's a matter of physiology. This acquaintance loves airplanes, from childhood he dreamed of becoming a pilot, but is studying to be a civil engineer. And how systematically he “works out” the abstractness of an unrealized sound dream! He wins from his reality the right to a pleasant pastime for him at the virtual charts of the stock exchange.
For six months now, unlike Katya, my pain has gone away in layers.
Every time I screw up my eyes, like in childhood, and I hope to remove the last layer.
Every time I make money.
