Divorce through the eyes of a child: what will happen now?
Behind the tinsel of material gifts and attempts to entertain or distract the child from divorce, we sometimes do not notice ourselves that the whole world of the little person is crumbling, the earth is leaving from under his feet, the feeling of security and safety is lost, and he cannot do anything about it …
Why can't things be the same? Why don't they love each other anymore? What happened? Maybe it's my fault? I don't want to choose just one of them! I want everything to be the same. So that we would laugh together and play, so that they would go for a walk in the park and they would hold my hands - on the one hand, my mother, and on the other, my father, and so that I would jump, and they would lift me up by the arms. Together, together, my parents, mom and dad. Is always! You are welcome.
Divorce. Today you won't surprise anyone. It didn’t work out, didn’t grow together, didn’t agree with the characters - well, we will have to leave. Anything can happen in life. Nobody plans such a turn of events by starting a family, but what can you do … not destiny.
Child. What will happen to him? Alimony, gifts, toys, walks, meetings, separate communication. "Mom loves you!" "Dad will always be with you!"
Behind the tinsel of material gifts and attempts to entertain or distract the child from divorce, we sometimes do not notice ourselves that the whole world of the little person is crumbling, the earth is leaving from under his feet, the feeling of security and safety is lost, and he cannot do anything about it.
No matter how old the child is, the divorce of the parents becomes for him a psychological trauma, which each child experiences in his own way, according to the innate properties of the psyche.
In some children, echoes of such a stressful situation may appear years later, already in adulthood, becoming the basis for the formation of other psychological problems, such as resentment against the mother, fear of loneliness, and others, which significantly affect the quality of life.
In others, on the contrary, there is a sharp impetus in development when the child becomes an adult early, showing the determination to take responsibility for his family or learning to survive in more difficult conditions of existence than before.
Big interests of the little man
The decision to leave is taken by adults. And in the overwhelming majority of cases, the child's opinion does not play any role. He is presented with a fact, and sometimes they do not even bother to explain what is happening, being deceived by the thought that he (she) is still small and does not understand anything.
Psychologically different children react differently to parental divorce, but the general mechanism of the stressful process is the loss of a sense of security and safety - the most important and extremely important for the development of the baby in childhood.
This loss is felt most strongly if the mother leaves the family, leaving the child with the father or other relatives, since it is the mother who is the main source and guarantor of his security and safety for the baby.
The child's departure is often less painful for the child, but a negative impact is still inevitable, and its strength will depend on the father's ability to maintain an emotional connection with the child and the desire to maintain relationships in the future.
The psychological stress caused by the divorce of the parents manifests itself in different ways depending on the vector nature of the child.
Mom, don't you love me anymore?.
The child with the visual vector experiences the most emotional breakdown of the family. Any feelings in him are manifested at their peak, the emotional amplitude of such a child is quite large: if there are tears, then sobbing, if sadness, then universal.
It is for a visual baby that an emotional connection is extremely important, first of all with mom, and then with dad. Any loss, breaking of this connection is felt by him as suffering. Such a child more often than others asks his parents whether they love him, whether they will love him further, why they stopped loving each other and the like.
The state of stress in small spectators can manifest itself in nightmares, various fears, tantrums, crying and any attempts to attract attention, pity or consolation. At an older age, domestic scandals, emotional blackmail, and even threats of leaving home or suicide are possible.
All the properties of the vector in childhood are just beginning their development, and stress stops this process, throwing the child to the most primitive ways of filling psychological needs. In the visual vector, such elementary content gives a feeling of fear. The loss of a sense of security and safety, the rupture of an emotional connection with the mother, fixation in a state of fear with further mistaken upbringing creates all the prerequisites for the development of various fears, phobias, panic attacks, superstitions and other psychological garbage that affects the quality of life and makes it difficult for a person to fully realize in society …
It's all my fault
Children with an anal vector are especially painful for the divorce of parents. Home environment, the well-established familiar world of the baby, the closest relatives, family traditions - all these are great values of the little anal.
Such a child perceives any changes with caution and takes a long time to get used to innovations. Divorce for an anal child becomes a double blow: firstly, the departure of one of the parents, and secondly, changes in the usual home life. He gets used to both the first and the second rather long and hard.
In the process of thinking about what is happening, he can blame himself or one of the parents for everything. Driven by a thirst for justice, he can even begin to take revenge on the "culprit" of the divorce.
It is anal babies, thanks to their almost phenomenal memory, that are able to carry on painful memories for many years, feeding a growing resentment, which can turn into an oppressive negative state that destructively affects the entire life scenario of an adult.
A small anal guy in the process of divorce, most likely, takes the mother's side as a more significant figure for him. But if it is the mother who leaves the family, there is a risk of resentment against her with a projection onto all women, which significantly complicates future pair relationships and the entire future life of an offended person with an anal vector.
The state of stress in an anal child can manifest itself as stubbornness, disobedience (which, in principle, is not typical for an anal baby), ignorance and unwillingness to communicate, demonstrative or hidden resentment, attempts to take revenge.
Sometimes a child can take out his own inner pain by showing cruelty towards other children, animals, plants or toys. This is a kind of attempt to equalize the situation so that everyone around him suffers the same way as he does, to share his pain equally with everyone else.
An open and honest discussion of the upcoming changes in the family with a child, a frank admission of guilt by the parents and a timely apology for psychological suffering will help the anal baby to go through a difficult life period easier and faster.
Nothing, mother, let's break through
A very special reaction to the divorce of parents in a child with an urethral vector.
No matter how old he is, in his feelings he is a leader, the highest rank, the head of his pack, that is, a family, a school class, a sports team or a street gang (depending on the conditions of upbringing).
In any circumstances, he tries to make decisions on his own, look for a way out of any situation, while relying only on himself. Unpredictable strategic thinking allows him to think outside the box, outside any framework or habitual stereotypes, therefore, a small urethral can make sufficiently adult conclusions and decisions even at a fairly young age.
Likewise, in the event of the breakup of the family, the little leader takes responsibility for his flock, if he feels it to be his. All his thoughts are directed to the future, therefore it is not typical for him to analyze for a long time, look for the guilty or mourn what happened, he will immediately think what to do now and how to live on, based on the current situation.
He considers it absolutely natural for himself to take care of his brothers and sisters, regardless of whether they are older or younger.
The little leader does not need, as much as other children, maternal care or paternal care. Moreover, all sorts of instructions, moralizing or desire to impose their will on the urethral child are perceived as hostile and even aggressive, since in his feelings this is an attempt to lower him in rank.
And in a family where he feels himself in charge, in any, even the most difficult life circumstances and difficult changes, the little urethral gets the opportunity to develop in himself a sense of responsibility for others, the ability to advance his flock into the future, guided by unique innate feelings of justice and mercy.
And what, now there will be no pocket money?
The most flexible, both physically and psychologically, a child with a skin vector regards the breakdown of the family within the limits of his interests - the threat of property or social loss.
Changing an apartment, which is fraught with the loss of his own room for the baby, the impossibility of traveling or having fun with his parents, as before, the loss of a certain amount of free time and, at the same time, the addition of household duties - all such changes are perceived by the little skinner as a stressful situation.
A high level of adaptability allows a child with a skin vector to quickly adapt to changing conditions of existence, but the very state of stress can manifest itself in the skin vector as fidgeting, constant aimless movements, fuss. The kid can hide his things, money, toys, as he is afraid of losing them, he can take some items without asking, while deceiving and shielding himself, even stealing in an attempt to balance his psychological state.
Without a systematic understanding of what is happening, punishment for such offenses, especially physical ones, can only aggravate the process and create even more stress for the child.
An adequate transition to new living conditions for a skin child can be the joint drawing up of his schedule, with a discussion of his duties, incentive options and methods of punishment for breaking domestic rules, pocket money. Here you can also negotiate a pastime with a parent who lives separately.
It is the little leatherman who is able to speculate parental guilt towards him in the face of divorce in order to get his own benefit from them in the form of additional gifts, money or entertainment. However, it should be understood that such a method of compensating for the lack of parental care will not bring any positive results for the child, except for the experience of getting what he wants through blackmail. Tangible reward should only be for really meaningful efforts on the part of the child.
Divorce is a trauma, but not the end of the world
Childhood is the period from birth to the end of puberty. At this time, a sense of security and safety is of paramount importance for the development of the child, which can, of course, be ensured by the mother, and in her absence, by the father. This feeling is that happy and serene state of childhood. By maintaining this important sense of security for the child, parents are already giving him a chance to develop his personality.
For any child, family breakdown is a painful event. But a deep systemic understanding of the psychological characteristics of the baby can minimize his negative states associated with the divorce of the parents. And vectorially adequate conditions of upbringing on the part of both parents create the necessary basis for the development of innate psychological properties of a small personality to the highest level.
