Living with HIV and post-training changes
I am 39 years old, I grew up in a complete family, where dad is the most honest rules with golden hands, and mom is in charge of everything during the day, and in the evening she bandages my head with a woolen scarf in order to somehow alleviate constant headaches.
When I was 5 years old, my dad went to conquer the North, where my mother and I followed in the future. I remember this time well. The freshness of the cool bogs and the dazzling white sand seemed fabulous. I remember to the smallest detail the situation in the carriage in which we lived. Furniture: a table, a chair, a parent's bed and a folding bed for me on the floor. There was a shelf on the wall, and on the shelf was a terrible, black devil. When my parents left for work, I hid it under the pillow and returned it to the place in the evening. From friends - cats and dogs. Small yellow stars and a huge crescent were glued to the ceiling with a caring father's hand. You could look at them endlessly! It was then that the first questions appeared: "What is there in the sky?", "Why is it blue during the day and black at night?", "Are we falling from the moon?", "And how little I was?"
And little I was, as my parents say, “noisy”. After my birth, they took turns to work, since I hardly slept, but only screamed in a wild voice - I had to carry it all the time. There was only one way to calm down: a cotton wool was wound around the match and the ear itched, but not along the edges, but deeper. A match was pulled out - the mouth opened. And so exactly 12 months (my poor mother, I don't know how she endured it). Dad also had magazines about space, from which we cut pictures, and his favorite question was: "Will I become an astronaut?"
At my 7 years old, we moved to the city, I went to school, like all children. I still had no friends. Four years later, a younger brother was born, and they completely forgot about me. After school I went to live with my grandmother.
After all, I became an "astronaut" … or rather, a "psychonaut", but before that, from 17 to 21, I went through the hell of a hard heroin addiction. During the same time she graduated from the institute in the direction of "jurisprudence". I still wonder - how did I manage it without outside help? The conditions were already so difficult that I understood: I had to make a decision - to live or not to live …
Live! I really wanted to live, and like all normal people! She did not go to medical institutions for help. Only parents and close relatives knew (now, imagining how my dad had to endure this shame, I want to die, or rather, never be born …).
After lying down for several weeks in a cold sweat and hot delirium, I decided to return to the North. At first, thoughts about drugs still flickered in my head, but then they disappeared, as it seemed to me then, forever.
The biggest desire for me was to get married, have a child and live like everyone else. Then I didn’t know that “like everyone else” I will no longer have.
Before starting a new life, I decided to check my health. The result, sounded in complete silence, paralyzed me for a few seconds, or rather, the question: “What do you know about AIDS? You will live 10 years at best”. I, of course, did not know anything …
When the first shock passed, I felt unexpectedly relieved. Or maybe it's good that some 10 years - and I will no longer have to live this life. But then it was replaced by the desire to survive at all costs!
I got married a year later for a guy who was not afraid of anything, knowing the whole background (the urethral comrade got caught, it seems to me). The doctors from the local AIDS Center turned out to be good magicians. A very warm attitude - like a balm for sore skin! Competently and intelligibly explained what kind of animal it is - HIV. He's not so scary as they paint him! They live with him for quite a long time (if they wish to live) and have themselves sickly children, if you follow all the recommendations.
Soon our daughter, Victoria, was born. Then it seemed to me that nothing could be more important, and the meaning of my whole life was sleeping in my arms. The child was born very calm, with huge green eyes and a look inside himself. Unfortunately, we then did not attach importance to regular stool delays … the main thing for me was - HEALTHY!
After leaving the decree, I got a good job. And everything seems to be fine: home, family, above average income, career growth and travel abroad. But more and more often thought about the meaninglessness of everything that was happening. Well, her daughter will grow up, get married, give birth to children, home-work, home-work … but what's the point? The conditions worsened, first days, then weeks, then months … I asked my husband to move to the gym and locked myself in the room with a request “not to disturb”. Thoughts swarmed like wasps: "have pity on the child", "pull yourself together", "is it still good, what is needed?" Antidepressants did not help, alcohol too, and all the time I was drawn to the windowsill. Not! So it is definitely impossible, just not this, to hold on to the last! Sorry for my daughter, sorry for my parents. It was maddening. My head was noisy so much that it seemed like a high-voltage power line was running through my brain!
It was then that the thoughts about drugs returned … I definitely did not want to return to heroin (it was enough), but there are probably other painkillers. This is how euphoretics appeared. One reception was enough for six months, then it had to be repeated. I tried to do yoga, read all sorts of nonsense, but as I understand it, many go through it, of course - not for long! Euporetics quickly got bored too. Psychedelics appeared. The scenario is the same, though it was enough for a year and a half. The constant question is why? Why is this happening to me? With this question I came to you, to the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
I fell in love with System Vector Psychology instantly and irrevocably! Here's what I can describe:
Earlier it seemed to me that I do not know how to take offense at people, and any of their actions are always justified. Now I understand: it is not always reasonable. I realized that I had a grudge against my mother because of the lack of attention and love. I realized how she herself did not give the same to her child. I realized that childhood grievances influenced our relationship with my younger brother. We didn't communicate for many years. After the training "System-vector psychology" everything is different. Relations with my parents have become much warmer, but with my brother it's just - do not spill water! I realized that our daughter lost her sense of security and safety when we divorced my husband. Now I'm trying to re-establish an emotional connection with her. Now she shares with me secrets that she considers it necessary to share, and this is what I learned: my daughter is very offended at me because of the divorce,offended by her dad because of the constant screaming … that her ears are constantly hurting and no one pays attention to it. Six months ago, she was in a pioneer camp, where they listened to her, understood. There she also tried a toxicomaniac with deodorant, which she confessed to me. Only thanks to the training I did not panic and hysteria. Didn't expect to be able to show my composure! Of course, I didn't know how to react. She listened calmly, although I was electrocuted, and my eyes darkened. I tried to explain carefully that it is very harmful. Now I don't know how to behave further and how to cope with the fear for her?that I can show self-control! Of course, I didn't know how to react. She listened calmly, although I was electrocuted, and my eyes darkened. I tried to explain carefully that it is very harmful. Now I don't know how to behave further and how to cope with the fear for her?that I can show self-control! Of course, I didn't know how to react. She listened calmly, although I was electrocuted, and my eyes darkened. I tried to explain carefully that it is very harmful. Now I don't know how to behave further and how to cope with the fear for her?
I understand that another person close to me, who, as it seemed to me, understands and supports me in everything, also suffers from the fact that I am constantly in the state of “I” - and no “WE”.
Yuri Ilyich said that a girl came to him with the same diagnosis as mine, and after the training, her immune status improved. Then the chat exploded with indignation: "I would have written about syphilis!" I concluded that our society, for the most part, is not yet ready to discuss problems of this kind. And, as it seemed to me, my indifference to what people would think if they found out about my diagnosis turned out to be a well-disguised fear, which, branching throughout the body, broke my ribs from the inside for 20 years …
I want to share: my immune status after the training "System-Vector Psychology" rose threefold, and no amount of the virus was detected in the blood. This is a very positive development for patients like us. Yuri Ilyich also said that taking drugs changes the biochemistry of the brain, and the fear of going mad came into its own …
But at work, everything is going well. It's just that stress resistance has increased tremendously. Many new ideas appeared that found their application, and I was given a separate office for their implementation. Now I miss people and often go down to the reception room to listen to what people are talking about, what problems they have. I am constantly trying to determine by vectors.
I also unexpectedly noticed that scraps of phrases written on scraps of paper began to rhyme more and more often, several poems appeared. This makes it easier to transfer your fortunes to paper. This gives me hope that I will be able to finally crawl out of my shell into people.
I want to express my deep gratitude to Yuri Ilyich and your entire team! What you are doing is priceless !!!
