How to overcome shyness and self-doubt
Shyness, isolation, self-doubt are very unpleasant and difficult conditions for life. It is difficult to speak to people, defend your point of view, confess your feelings. Of course, you can justify yourself with modesty, unwillingness to flaunt yourself, in contrast to self-confident and pushy people. They annoy with their impudence, but deep down I want to be just as liberated and just as easily enter into a conversation …
In this article, you will learn:
- who is characterized by shyness and self-doubt;
- why the exercises "do what is scary" or "love yourself" do not help from shyness;
- how to overcome shyness and self-doubt without coercion and violence against oneself, using modern psychoanalysis from the training of Yuri Burlan "System-vector psychology".
Shy or humble?
Shyness, isolation, self-doubt are very unpleasant and difficult conditions for life. It is difficult to speak to people, defend your point of view, confess your feelings. Of course, you can justify yourself with modesty, unwillingness to flaunt yourself, in contrast to self-confident and pushy people. They annoy with their impudence, but deep down I want to be just as liberated and just as easily enter into a conversation.
Modesty is a good quality, full of dignity. It is truly adorable, as opposed to boasting and complacency. In isolation and shyness, there is no dignity, only one sizzling feeling of one's own inferiority, an internal struggle, tension because you cannot realize your desires - I want and cannot. Psychologists call the extreme manifestations of this state of social phobia.
We live among people and face them every day, whether we like it or not. When each contact is given with great difficulty, it becomes vital to answer the question of how to get rid of shyness and self-doubt.
When every day is overcoming and feat
Shyness and reticence manifest in a variety of ways. A person may be constantly concerned with what people think of him. It seems to him that everyone is looking at him and seeing his excitement. He is afraid to move, do something wrong, seem ridiculous, ridiculous, ugly, uninteresting, stupid. He becomes tetanus. The face freezes in a motionless mask or begins to twitch when you need to smile or say something.
A shy person becomes covered with cold sweat when you need to make phone calls, communicate with unfamiliar people, ask a stranger a question on the street, ask the driver to stop at the right stop, hand over defective goods in a store, and speak to the public. Hands tremble, breath catches, heart pounds like crazy.
A sociophobe is afraid even to go out, eat in public places and use public toilets.
People who do not know how to defend their point of view and say "no" are considered shy, timid and too soft. These can be easily manipulated. Such a person tries not to stick out, to be as less noticeable as possible, therefore he is content with little in life - both in work and in his personal life. After all, to invite a girl on a date, exactly the one that you liked, you lack the spirit - "how can I please her?" …
Each unsuccessful attempt at contact with people inflicts an even greater blow on confidence. As a result, one wants to repeat this experience less and less, more and more often there is a need to stay at home and not go anywhere. A vicious circle arises from which no way out is visible.
A real story from the training "System Vector Psychology" about what a shy person experiences:
What does shyness lead to
Shyness is not harmless at all. It is difficult for a person to change something in his life, to realize desires and dreams. He falls into depression, apathy, becomes a hermit, departs from reality in fantasy and virtual games. Psychosomatic illnesses appear. Here are just a few of the consequences of this lifestyle.
- Complexes. An introverted person does not feel like other "normal" people. Experiencing failures in contact with people, he increasingly loses confidence, seems to himself stupid, ugly, a failure, unworthy to live, a mistake of nature. This is how complexes multiply.
Unfulfillment. A sociophobe is not realized in any area of his life. He does not know how to defend himself in a conflict, to declare himself, to adhere firmly to his principles, therefore at work he prefers to sit out in a calm but uninteresting place. Even if he has many talents, insecurity prevents him from realizing them. A shy person will never dare to confess his love, start a relationship. How to stop being shy and insecure if you are so scared to open up and trust people?
- Behavioral abnormalities. A closed person may look strange: he feels bad in a company of people, he does not share a common mood, he strives for solitude. When everyone is happy, he can cry, throw a tantrum. He can get tired of too much attention to himself, from being in a crowd, he feels safe and can relax a little only at home, in his room, behind closed doors. He is afraid to go to the housing office, to the bank, to call a plumber, so he does not adapt well to life in society.
- Psychosomatics. A state of constant internal tension can lead to real disruptions in the body's work - from panic attacks to irritable bowel syndrome. The psychosomatic manifestations of fears from contact with people are described by the trainees of Yuri Burlan's training.
How to overcome shyness and self-doubt - find reasons
The root of any psychological problem lies in the unconscious. Therefore, in order to answer the question of how to stop being shy, you need to understand the causes of shyness. The desire to avoid contact with people, shyness, withdrawal can occur in people with visual, anal and sound vectors in the event of a traumatic experience, non-realization of innate properties.
A common trauma is the lack of a sense of security and safety in childhood. This basic feeling should be given by parents, for this it is important to recognize and take into account the desires of the child, develop his innate abilities, and not break them. There should be emotional contact with mom. The child should feel loved and supported in the family.
If all this is not there, moreover, if the child is criticized, humiliated, he can withdraw into himself, accumulate fears and resentments, which in the future will lead to the inability to create connections with people. But each vector will have its own negative experience, its own fears.
Fears in the visual vector
If the visual child did not develop feelings, did not read books encouraging compassion, did not teach to sympathize with all living things, even simply did not communicate with him, did not pay enough attention, all his enormous emotional potential would remain in a state of fear - a primary, innate emotion. What he will be afraid of depends on the circumstances that happened in his life. And the visionary's rich imagination will increase the scale of failure.
- If such a child was bullied at school or ridiculed at his first love, he will be afraid of repeating the bitter experience - a social phobia will grow out of him.
- If he had anxious parents, who intimidated, got them with their overprotection, guided by the principle of “stay at home, or whatever happens,” he will be dependent, dependent and will be afraid to live among people.
The rich sensory potential of the visual person requires constant realization. If this does not happen, then all attention is concentrated on himself, on how he looks, what he feels. Fears intensify.
For example, a woman with a visual vector does not work for a long time, sits at home. And the longer she hesitates to go to work, the more terrible it becomes to be among people. Up to panic attacks and fear of going out.
Closedness in the sound vector
Often one of the reasons for social phobia is the presence of a sound vector in an unrealized state. The sound engineer loves solitude, as his mission is to think, create ideas, write books, music, computer programs. Explore the world, make scientific discoveries and look for meaning in everything. It's good when he does it. Then he wants to go out into the world to draw inspiration and ideas from people.
When he does not understand what his role is, what is the meaning of his life, there remains a pure desire to be alone. People get in the way. Their way of life - eternal vanity in search of material satisfaction causes misunderstanding, irritation and even hatred. And the sound engineer is so far from all this. I would like to hide from this endless flickering behind closed doors. But the more he does this, the deeper the depression becomes.
From childhood traumas, communication with people can be influenced by:
- constant noise, because the most sensitive organ of a sound child is the ears. Loud sounds hurt him;
- derogatory in the senses of the words: "idiot", "fool", "why only did I give birth to you?" Hearing this, the child becomes isolated, up to the complete loss of contact with people.
Resentment and self-doubt
For a leisurely, thorough and diligent child with an anal vector, the following experience will be traumatic:
- there was no adequate praise;
- his efforts and efforts were devalued by excessive criticism and exactingness;
- he was constantly interrupted, not allowed to finish, to finish the matter to the end;
- manipulated on feelings of guilt - "you don't love your mother, so you don't …".
On this basis:
- lack of self-esteem,
- dependence on the opinions of others,
- fear of dishonor
- fear of taking the first step and making a mistake,
- excessive perfectionism,
- excessive demands on yourself,
resentment against parents, which is then projected onto the whole world.
All this, of course, does not contribute to ease of communication. A good memory carefully preserves and multiplies all cases of failure and "shame" in front of people.
How to stop being shy - top bad advice
- Do what is scary: go to strangers on the street and ask them for directions.
- Ask for a phone number from the girl you like.
- After every successful communication attempt, reward yourself with a sweet, warm bath or new outfit.
- Love yourself, find qualities worthy of respect in yourself, feel your dignity, gain self-confidence.
Anyone who has tried at least once to follow such tips on how to overcome shyness and self-doubt, most likely, knows how difficult it is to do this. How completely unhappy it is after such experiments, how the feeling of inadequacy takes root even more firmly, because I was still trembling, I was still afraid, I still caught my breath, and my attention was painfully fixed on myself. It’s not even worth mentioning that after a sweet treat, the figure spoils, and relieving stress with purchases quickly empties the wallet. And if I knew how to gain this very confidence, I would certainly have done it long ago.
Output in another:
- to see mental trauma and anchors that were held in negative experience, and thereby get rid of the influence of the past on the present;
- analyze personal qualities, see your potential and development vector, determine true desires and goals. Then there will be self-confidence, and independence in opinions, and the desire to defend your point of view, to go your own way;
- to understand other people, to see them with all their advantages and disadvantages, and … forever lose fear of them, smile at past grievances.
All this allows you to do systemic psychoanalysis. Here are some tips based on it.
How to remove shyness and self-doubt and start living
Let your feelings go
If there is a visual vector, it means that there are many feelings. And they are given in order to feel another person, create connections, experience emotions, get impressions. It's amazing that a person who is born to create emotional connections is sometimes most afraid to do so. But emotions require an outlet, and then they go into negative - fears, tantrums, panic attacks.
After realizing this, you must begin to open your sensory world:
- try to talk with a loved one, reveal your feelings to him, say about what has been painful for a long time. Let it be someone you trust, with whom you are safe. Cry together;
- watch movies and read books to sympathize with, stories to cry over. Yuri Burlan talks about how tears reveal feelings:
congratulate your friends and loved ones on holidays and birthdays, say what gives them joy and pleasure. Such small actions will teach you to show attention to other people and remove concentration from yourself;
- give people gifts. Thinking about what a person needs, what he will be happy about, we discover in ourselves the ability to feel another person.
Prepare and start small
This is a paradox: a person with an anal vector - in potential the best professional, teacher, expert, master of the golden hands - is more often than others concerned with how to overcome shyness and self-doubt. By freeing yourself from resentment and the influence of negative past experiences through understanding yourself and other people, you will gain confidence:
- think about what you would like to be a real professional, what it would be interesting for you to learn, and start doing it - little by little, with simple steps;
Before speaking to an audience or before an important conversation, prepare well, make a plan, sketch out the thesis, rehearse. This will give you confidence and avoid bad experiences;
- the degree of complexity can be increased gradually - first, say a congratulatory speech at a friend's birthday, then speak to relatives, then at a corporate party, and then you can decide on a serious professional performance;
- see mistakes as valuable experiences, a lesson to help you do better next time, and an important step on the road to excellence.