It's a shame when it's a shame. How to get rid of resentment?
"Don't be offended!" - we say, assuming that our words or actions can hurt a person. We know how painful it is when it is offensive, how difficult it is to forgive insults. Each offended person will easily remember several offenses in the past, because it is impossible to be offended once.
"Don't be offended!" - we say, assuming that our words or actions can hurt a person. We know how painful it is when it hurts. We know from our own experience how difficult it is to forgive insults. Each offended person will easily remember several offenses in the past, because it is impossible to be offended once. Even if we do not exhaust ourselves every minute remembering our offenders with an unkind word, this does not mean that we managed to let go of the offense. Moreover, resentment remains not just an impassive witness of our life, it is an active participant in it, the author of the most disastrous behavioral stereotypes and the most mediocre life scenarios.
Forgiving an insult means giving yourself the opportunity to live and breathe freely. Is it possible final and irrevocable liberation from resentment or will you have to ponder all your life how to live with resentment, but it does not allow you to live. Let's try to answer from the standpoint of modern psychoanalysis - with the help of the knowledge gained at the training of Yuri Burlan "System-vector psychology".
How to get rid of feelings of resentment?
There are a million instructions on how to get over an offense. Starting with “don't give a damn and forget” and ending with unthinkable meditative techniques for dissolving grievances with building visual series of the seventh order. “Put yourself in the shoes of the offender,” they advise us. - This is the way to get rid of grievances! And what are we doing, one wonders? We only do that we put ourselves in the place of other people, that's why the insults: "I would never have done this in his place, and therefore I cannot forgive the insult."
Which of the following works? Nothing. If everyone could so easily forgive insults, there would be no offended. Why? In short, because there is no such foreign experience that could be useful to us. "System-vector psychology" proceeds from the fact that each person has certain sets of desires and abilities that strictly correspond to these desires. The difficulty is that true desires live by us at a deep unconscious level, only rationalizations float on top.
For example, Katya thinks: "Petya acted meanly." She does not know what to do with this insult and this Petya. This is its rationalization. Katya's desire is completely different, she wants not Petya at all, but "quite the opposite, Georges." But they didn't bring Georges, Katya assigned Petya to his role, who had no idea that in Katya's "dreams" he was Georges, and acted as the last Petya. Is it a shame? And how. Katya's mistake is that she did not know how to distinguish Petya from Georges. We all make this mistake when we are offended by someone. Resentment is our fault.
Where do grievances come from?
To know how to cope with resentment, you need to understand where and why it occurs, what is the trigger for starting a chain reaction of resentment in a person's life.
1) Assessment of a person through himself, or how to never cope with resentment
Resentment occurs when our expectations of a person do not coincide with his real behavior. Why is this happening? First of all, because we build our forecasts about another person based on personal experience - the only measure of correctness. So it was already, so it will be so in the future. Every day I gave flowers, today I didn’t. Resentment. How could he do this? I would never do that in his place. Every day she cooked borsch, and today she talks on the phone. Clearly, she got a lover. I know these, I had one. This behavior resembles a comical situation when, having put on a new jacket, you are looking for pockets in the old place: you put your hand in and - emptiness.
2) Comparison with the "ideal model", or how to never forget past grievances
The flurry of popular literature infects people with useless and sometimes downright harmful stereotypes. We come up with a certain ideal model of a partner and associate our expectations with this idea, and not with a living person. A real person does not stand up to any comparison with a model. It is clear that his actions can be perceived by us as offensive. As a result, we do not know how to overcome the resentment against a loved one who did not justify our hopes, but these hopes were not pinned on him, but on the ideal of a hero-lover or a kind-hearted millionaire.
Until recently, there was no public knowledge about the mental essence of people, their true desires and motives for actions, and the assumptions on which modern "psychology" is based were a mistake, so there could not be an answer to the question "how to forgive an offense". System-vector psychology gives unequivocal answers not only to the question of how to forgive a past offense, but also allows not to accumulate them in the future.
3) Selfishness as a guarantee of complete failure of attempts to remove resentment
Thinking about how to get rid of anger and resentment, one cannot fail to mention one very important aspect. In our desires, albeit not always conscious, we proceed from the principle of receiving maximum pleasure from another person for ourselves. Based on this desire to receive, we build forecasts of people's behavior. I'll come, and she has already prepared and tidied up, and the slippers are in place. Having set ourselves up to enjoy the actions of another person and being deceived in our expectations, we do not know how to overcome a burning resentment. This is equally true for service relationships. I am such a capable person, such a wonderful specialist. I must be commended for sure. But … not enough praise. Not enough! It's a shame!
We all tend to overestimate our contribution to the common cause, we tend to justify ourselves. People are selfish - and that's okay. The trouble is when the tilt towards receiving is inadequate to the return. Now, when it is not an abstract “good person” that is valued, but his suitability in a specific matter, millions of those removed from the honor roll will not be able to figure out how to forgive this offense. On the whole, these people create a weighty ballast of resentment in society, expressed by total passivity. Those offended by "this country" have to be dragged by the rest, and after all, only seeing their gloomy faces around them is hard work for the psyche.
Dealing with resentment - correcting mistakes
Analyzing the process of the emergence and development of grievances, the following stages can be conditionally distinguished:
1) predicting human behavior, ideally;
2) meeting with reality or destruction of the ideal;
3) comparison of the forecast and reality with a negative balance;
4) the actual offense;
5) the desire to restore justice, to take revenge on the offender.
Obviously, the reason for the resentment lies in the erroneous forecast of reality. But does the discrepancy between predictions and reality always lead to resentment? Is this scheme common to all people? Of course not. For many people, the question "how to get rid of the resentment" does not arise for the simple reason that in their mental grievances are impossible.
Receiving systemic knowledge, we learn to distinguish between people at the level of the mental unconscious, we begin to understand not only the behavior of others, but also its causes at the deepest level, which means that the probability of erroneous prediction tends to zero, the risk of resentment decreases, the problem goes away, as from them, resentment, get rid of.
Trainings provide an opportunity to become aware of your mental state. We begin to correctly formulate the question to the universe: not "Why does everyone offend me?", But "Why exactly am I so offended?" And we get an exhaustive answer on how to overcome resentment in yourself.
System-vector psychology shows: the above logic of the occurrence of resentment is true only for one of the vectors of the eight-dimensional mental - the anal vector. Only in this vector is resentment possible, in others it simply does not mature.
So, a person with a skin vector, noticing a discrepancy between his expectations of reality, can get angry, but quickly adapts to a new situation and discards his erroneous predictions as useless. He doesn't think about how to forget the insult, because he has already forgotten about everything. About this we, anal professionals, say "opportunist". As you know, our shortcomings are the continuation of our merits, and vice versa. It is the difficulties of adapting to new conditions that underlie the sensitivity of anal sex, who do not know how to get rid of old grievances, the period of endurance of which is often equal to the life of a person.
Urethral people also do not have grievances in their psychic: they are so much in the future that even the present does not bother them much, and the past is not written at all, it is not. In addition, the urethra is an expression of the measure of bestowal, it has the quality of animal altruism and is not capable of harboring resentment for not receiving it inside.
Only the anal vector, the specific role of which is the accumulation and transmission of information in time, has the necessary tenacious storage memory and a powerful sublimated libido transmitter. In an unrealized state, the analnik is taken to store, instead of really necessary and valuable knowledge, any rubbish, for the most part consisting of offenses of varying severity. And the libido that does not find application is directed towards aligning the square - restoring "justice" in the form of revenge on the offenders. In this case, a person no longer thinks about how to get rid of the feeling of resentment, he is completely immersed in this feeling, from where he draws inspiration for various types of revenge, usually hypothetical, but sometimes quite real.
A fly elephant is doomed to torment
As for the upper vectors, that is, two of them, which are not working in their best development to strengthen and extrapolate the grievances born in the anal vector, are sound and visual.
The visual vector with its suspiciousness and fantasies is capable of building an Infinitely Big Offended Elephant from the slightest fly. On the anal, he will go into the details of the resentment, visually paint his irreplaceable losses. In an analistic way, he will sadistic verbally, visually, he will translate any ordinariness into the category of a Greek tragedy, so that he himself will be sobbed, not knowing how to let go of the insult. The visual vector, having built an elephant, will most likely stop there, his revenge is terrible only in dreams. Savoring before falling asleep how exactly the offender will eat known substances is our everything. We will not go to kill, it's a pity to get dirty hands.
Extended suicide by Vinogradov-Lanza: this will be the case with everyone who does not know how to deal with resentment
Another thing is anal grievances in sound. Be careful not to offend such a person! The anal sound takes offense from childhood, insists thirty years and three years in a complete sound vacuum to the point of critical mass, when any inadvertently thrown word, glance, gesture - whatever! - can cause a chain reaction in his mental time bomb. Anal grievances in this case can have global consequences.
Having in the sound not just egoism, but egocentrism, such an analnik multiplies the existing grievances as a lack of reception. So a child's resentment against the mother can be extrapolated into resentment against the country, society as a whole. It is the anal sound specialists in a state of moral and moral degeneration who commit extended suicide according to Vinogradov-Lanz, at the root of which the resentment in the lower vector is in a state of frustration plus sound egocentrism against the background of a semantic vacuum. To understand the psychic of such a person, to know how to help him get rid of feelings of resentment, is necessary for the survival of all of us.
Psychology of children's grievances: hit - hit the chair, offended - eat candy
When does grudge storage start? On an unconscious level, the child begins to experience the first resentment in childhood. Probably, many watched how the baby, hitting, for example, on a chair, hits it with his fist. He is offended. The chair was in the wrong place, didn't live up to expectations, it's his fault. A chair is a chair, but mom can be manipulated using her guilt. The kid realizes very quickly that, having pouted, he is more likely to get what he wants and does not get tired of perfecting his skills. So childhood grievances become a habit, and the result achieved from manipulating the abuser through guilt is a sufficient bonus to continue the rest of his life.
Resentment is a faithful companion of an anal-visual baby. "Love me!" - screams the mental unconscious of such a child. Do not love? That's how bad you are. People around, especially mom, seek to compensate for the damage caused by candy - just do not cry, do not be offended. When such behavior is encouraged by adults, a certain stereotype is formed in the child, which is carried into adulthood and does not work here. An adult does not receive sweets in response to pouting lips, but the habit of being offended remains. The anal child quickly learns habits, both good and bad.
How can one get rid of children's grievances, when new ones are added every day, grievances grow like a snowball: here they did not receive enough, they received less. A person is unhappy, because in childhood he was really not given enough - not developed. The only way not to teach an anal child to manipulate the guilty through resentment is adequate praise, a real assessment of his work, and not thoughtless redemption of sweets, not indifferent ignorance of achievements. It's important not to over-praise. The child is inclined to analyze the situation and understands if he is unfairly over praised, which causes offense in the child, as well as the situation when his efforts were not appreciated.
How to get rid of childhood grievances? Take responsibility for your actions
Raising a child systematically, we form in him the habit of looking for a way out in improving his skills, and not in gathering around us those who are guilty of his (the child's) failures. Responsibility for your actions is a guarantee of the absence of resentment towards others. Then, in the event of a mistake, failure, the anal person does not feel offense, but guilt - a positive feeling for development and implementation, in contrast to the dead-end feeling of offense. I am guilty, I will improve, restore justice, become better. Guilt is the engine of human improvement. Resentment is a dead end, a refusal to develop.
How to get rid of resentment and start living
It is clear that the grievances accumulated over the years will not go away overnight, although there is evidence of such "miracles". Gaining knowledge at the training "System-vector psychology" leads to a decrease in resentment as a property of nature, new grievances cease to be developed, an understanding of how to get rid of the grievances accumulated earlier comes.
But we are not alone and we live in a society where there are always people trying to make their own "adjustments" to our life scenarios. Being engaged in Yuri Burlan's trainings, you stop perceiving their actions as offensive, there is a systemic reassessment, there is “immunity” to offenses. The reason for this is not only in understanding vector differences, but also in understanding the degree of development and implementation for each vector in each person. Touchiness is a signal of insufficient development of a mental person, an indicator of his incomplete realization in society.
Inappropriate behavior of an individual does not cause disappointment, anger or resentment in a systemically thinking person. In place of these negative deadlock states comes an understanding of the reasons for such behavior and, as a consequence, justification of the offender with the heart. This does not mean that we a priori forgive all villains. Not. A systematic understanding provides a way out of negativity in development and implementation and excludes falling into dead ends of resentment in the future. Working with mindfulness is easy and enjoyable. This is a creative work that brings only joy.