Above the abyss of depression or rebirth
It is important for a child to know: no matter what happens, an adult is nearby, he will help, prompt, lend his shoulder. Only under these conditions, the innate properties of a child develop harmoniously, giving the maturing person a sense of self-confidence and faith in others, awareness of their characteristics and talents, as well as the opportunity to realize them in adulthood for the joy and benefit of people …
Tomorrow Nastya will turn forty-one. This time she even decided to celebrate her birthday. For the first time in years. Or decades.
Nastya never liked holidays. They assumed close people, fun, joy. All this was not in Nastya's life. And she thought it was silly to celebrate loneliness, disappointment and pain.
But a lot has changed lately. Life began to improve. What was happening was like a second birth. And it was worth noting.
Nastya ordered a table at a restaurant, invited relatives and a couple of friends. She doesn't have any more. And there never was.
Nastya was always alone. As long as I could remember. As a baby, my mother left her sleeping in the crib and rushed to the store to buy groceries so that later she could cook dinner for the family. As soon as the door closed behind mom, the baby opened her eyes and started calling. At first quietly, then more persistently, then she switched to screaming, choked with tears. But no one was there. After some time, she fell asleep, exhausted from fatigue and despair, and the returning mother was moved by looking at the sleeping child.
The girl was growing up. The TV roared, relatives were cursing, and Nastya became quieter. She played alone, hiding under the table.
At two years old, Nastya was sent to kindergarten. She did not like the garden. It was noisy there: the children were shouting, the teachers were shouting even louder. It smelled bad. And there was no mom. Saying goodbye to her in the morning, Nastya also screamed, cried, asked not to leave her alone. Mom tore her daughter away from herself and went to work with tears in her eyes.
This drama unfolded every morning as soon as they left the house. Kind people advised dad to take the child to the garden. Dad did not stand on ceremony: "You will shout, I will not come for you!" Work awaited him, too, and was urged on by responsibility. Nastya had to suffer in silence.
Later, Nastya was left alone when she was ill. The girl grew up, became independent. I could make myself tea, warm up food, take medicine. Lying in bed with a fever, she swallowed book after book and shed tears into raspberry tea. Again no one was around.
At school, Nastya was also alone. After the second grade, the family moved, and the school had to change. The first friends in life remained in the old one, but in the new it never worked out with them. The quiet, unsociable Nastya was a mystery for her classmates, a black sheep. And the class rejected it, as an organism rejects a foreign body that has got into it. Then the girl realized that “all for one” happens only in books, and life radically changes in this phrase “for” to “against”.
In the world of literature, Nastya has always been more comfortable. In him she found understanding and support, love and friendship, teachers and like-minded people. In it I was looking for answers to questions that there was no one to ask in reality. The world around him seemed alien and hostile.
Sound-visual Nastya suffered doubly: it was hard for her with people, but also unbearable without them. A person with a visual vector needs communication, attention, care. A sound engineer needs solitude, silence, the ability to concentrate, think.
Nastya seemed to herself a paratrooper, abandoned from another planet with some important purpose, which she had forgotten and could not find anywhere. She was tormented by the feeling that something very valuable and necessary was slipping away from her. Like a Siamese twin, separated at birth from her other half, she felt that something was missing, but did not know what it was.
It was hard to live without this missing link. As a very young, healthy girl, she often felt tired. Tired of life. But I couldn't relax. It's time to grow up.
The new life turned out to be as unfriendly aunt as the old one. "War is like war." A successful warrior is one who is brave, who believes in himself, has a reliable rear. All this "armor" the child collects from birth to the end of puberty. "Magic chain mail", which subsequently softens the blows of fate, is weaved first by the parents, then by the school, providing the little person with an atmosphere of safety, supporting and protecting him at the stage of personality formation. It is important for a child to know: no matter what happens, an adult is nearby, he will help, prompt, lend his shoulder. Only under these conditions, the innate properties of a child develop harmoniously, giving the maturing person a sense of self-confidence and faith in others, an awareness of their characteristics and talents, as well as the ability to realize them in adulthood for the joy and benefit of people.
But what joy can there be when a child feels misunderstood, alone, a stranger. What kind of development of talents, when you just need to survive, hold out, not allow yourself to be "eaten" by classmates who have sensed a new victim.
And one more trap: the girl's unconscious generalized the sad experience and delivered the verdict: "When it is bad, no one will be around!" This is how the properties of the anal vector were manifested: to collect, systematize, memorize information, knowledge, experience, grievances, in order to be guided by the resulting "imprint" for the rest of his life. Without changing, without updating, without questioning.
Entering adulthood, Nastya was convinced that in order to survive, you need to rely only on yourself. Without knowing it, we always choose the path on which each person, next event or decision made only confirms what we "decided" to believe.
And there were many such painful milestones on Nastya's path. Gathering all her strength into a fist, crying into her pillow at night, sharing her secret only with the diary and the night sky, fighting with the already habitual fatigue, she trudged through life without joy and hope.
She did not trust people, she knew that there was nowhere to wait for help. She was not even surprised when her husband, upon learning about her pregnancy, announced that he was not yet ready to become a father, packed his things and got lost forever. The rule learned from childhood continued to work.
Nastya raised her son alone. She took the boy to the kindergarten and ran to work. In the evening she left her son with a neighbor and hurried to school. I saved every penny, denied myself everything, bought things in second hand, saved up now for a bike for the boy, now for a long-awaited week of summer vacation to warm it up in the sun. She did not complain about fate, did not expect help, relied, as always, on herself. It just functioned. Fortunately, the presence of a skin vector allows a person to act rationally, calmly relate to limitations, find a way out, somehow adapt to the prevailing circumstances.
But when there is no male shoulder nearby, there is no financial stability and confidence in the future, the degree of stress increases. We were once an endangered species and survived only because we learned to unite. Paired relationships are of the same nature: a man provides security and food, a woman raises offspring. But there was still no one next to Nastya. The program "survive!" had to be done alone. Any weakness would be equal to defeat.
Long-awaited He
Life is full of surprises. Even a thorny path sometimes leads to the light. Nastya met the Man. Precisely with a capital letter. Strong, kind, reliable. Present. Some internal gears came together, the mechanism started working slowly, with a creak, setting in motion the frozen soul, reviving feelings, reviving hope. Nastya loved. For the first time in my life. And most importantly, she felt loved! She was not alone. Nearby was a person who listened and heard, understood, helped, defended. He became Nastya's husband, adopted a boy, took responsibility for the safety and well-being of the family.
It was easy and calm next to him, you could relax, “lay down your arms” and just live. Nastya froze with happiness. And her husband, looking into her bottomless eyes, often repeated: “You are extraordinary! Alien. I hope you are not on a business trip on Earth? The wife smiled in response, but in my soul it ached strangely. As if this cute joke reminded of something long forgotten, lost or even not yet found.
Nastya felt young, full of strength, as if reborn. Therefore, she decided to celebrate the beginning of a new life.
A fall
The husband met the birthday girl after work with a bouquet of flowers, cooked dinner, lit candles. They drank wine, talked, held hands. Before going to bed, Nastya tried on the dress in which she was going to go to the restaurant tomorrow.
And in the morning she could not get out of bed. The world went out overnight. There was no more light, joy, strength in him. At first they decided that Nastya was ill. The guests were informed that the holiday was canceled. But it didn't get any easier either in a week or in a month. Nastya lay in a dark room like a ghost. No thoughts, no feelings, no life inside. The doctors looked for a "breakdown", but did not find it. The mechanism is serviceable, but as if it is de-energized.
A black shroud covered, bound, immobilized. Nastya's head understood that everything in life was finally working out, but she could not find in herself a ray of happiness, not a glimmer of hope, not a spark of meaning. Emptiness. Darkness. Pain. And the only desire is to sleep. To forget, not to feel. Wakefulness, life itself seemed to Nastya a difficult, painful disease, for which there was no cure. No, Nastya was offered medication, even insisted. Physicians were replaced by psychologists, then psychotherapists. They diagnosed it, gave the disease a name.
DEPRESSION.
At first Nastya laughed: “What nonsense! Why all of a sudden?"
Then she was indignant: "They cannot find the cause and cure the person, so they blame everything on the psyche!"
Then she wondered: "Why ?!"
She needed to find a reason, to get to the bottom of it. Why exactly, why hers, why now? After all, difficult times are over, now she had love, family, rear. Why did the long-awaited happiness suddenly turn black and white, the whole world existed as if behind armored glass: a muffled sound, everything was near, but unattainable?
Conversations with psychologists, meditations, hypnosis did not bring relief. The doctors had no answers, they only had pills. But this way seemed to Nastya a surrender, an escape from the field of pain. "I have to understand!" she whispered. It makes no sense to fight the investigation without understanding the reasons. The usual flashed in the brain like poisonous neon: “I feel bad, but there is no help. Itself. Again myself."
Nastya fought with herself for a long time. Sliding deeper into the black abyss, she realized that she was taking her loved ones along with her, hurting them with her suffering.
She still decided on the pills. To get up. To get to the computer. To start looking.
Nastya got to the portal of System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan by accident. The first impression of the free lectures was: “Interesting! It won't help me, of course, as always, but it might at least distract me."
The path was not easy. Through chronic fatigue, drowsiness and nausea, through a consciousness dulled by pain and medication, information seeped into the brain slowly and painfully, passing through the armor of bad experiences, grievances and anchors.
Every word heard at the training caused doubt, resistance, was tested in practice and only then fit, puzzle by puzzle, into a clear picture. It turned out to be something like a map of life, woven from strong loops of cause and effect. Line by line on the white canvas of misunderstanding, a real portrait of herself emerged, more clear and real than the reflection in the mirror. Nastya got to know herself.
Skin vector, anal, visual and, of course, sound. What is depression, how does it manifest itself, who gets it and why. Even the seemingly illogical fact that Nastya had long been tormented by the fact that the crisis came exactly when life finally improved, found its explanation.
Lack of support for many years mobilized all forces, forced to exist in the regime "to survive at any cost". When a reliable rear appeared, the tension seemed to have subsided. On the one hand, the energy that used to go to resist circumstances and solve problems turned out to be locked inside, "knocked out the traffic jams." On the other hand, against the background of the filled desires of the other vectors, there was clearly a lack of sound. What used to be in the background felt like something missing, elusive, now has turned into a funnel, sucking in all forces, all thoughts, all life.
The knowledge gained at the training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan helped Nastya to understand herself and everything that had happened, to resist the oppressive vacuum of depression, to gradually get away from medications and start Living.
Now Nastya is celebrating her birth every time, opening her eyes to meet a new day.
