Before you die … Confession of the one who stood on the edge
All the time I thought about how to die. It seemed that death is the only thing that can get rid of suffering - I simply could not find other ways. And only one thing stopped me …
I cut off the joy with a knife
And dive into the darkness of longing, So that the stray bullet sweetness
Crushed my whiskey.
© Olya Pushinina, 2019
You know, when I was 14, I wanted to die all the time. At 20 - too … And at 25. With age, it became clear that this is not a teenage depression. And life, in principle, is suffering, imprisonment in the body.
A friend was also looking for a way out: from childhood she dreamed of going to a monastery or going to prison - in solitary confinement. I didn't want to go there. What for? All the same, nothing will change - you cannot run away from yourself …
All the time I thought about how to die. It seemed that death is the only thing that can get rid of suffering - I simply could not find other ways.
And only one thing stopped me …
What will happen after?
What will happen to my family when I die, disappearing from this world - myself?
What then? Why did I come?
I wanted to be erased from the world and at the same time felt fear from these thoughts. What's left? And to whom? Two dates on a headstone? Is that all?..
I am the future of my parents, my family. And this future will be destroyed? Why then should they live?.. And they want to live …
My dad, granny, mom ached with pain in my heart, although we did not always get along with them.
Mom gave me life, and I take life from her? After all, relatives will not be able to live "after". To exist - yes. To suffer - yes. But never live.
Imagine, I burst into their life with a small lump weighing 3.5 kg. They went out this helpless creature, put it on its feet. We did not sleep at night, fed, taught, treated …
They say that no one loves a person as much as parents. Although it seems that they always have no time. Although we have tons of complaints: they didn’t love, didn’t devote time, didn’t buy, didn’t hear, didn’t understand, didn’t believe …
This "NOT" is not at all visible from the bird's eye view of their life, given to us.
When we choose death, we take our loved ones with us, sign their death warrant. They remain dead in the physical body, with no chance of happiness, living out a life woven of pain.
And we … What happens to us there? Nobody thinks about it, does not know …
But if they knew what happens to a person's soul during a suicide …
I want to live! Return! Where is …
Catch it! Trampoline … Trampoline!
whip pierces the soul and cuts the Realization of death …
© Olya Pushinina, 2018
I remember telling my mother in despair: “Why did you give birth to me, I didn’t ask you!”
It seemed to me that she was the culprit of all my torments, because because of her I arose in this body, although I did not plan to be born in a madhouse named Life at all.
Now I understand my deep resentment against my mother, but then …
I really hated her and my birthday - “Why give birth to me ?! For me to suffer in this world ?!"
Mom didn't know how bad I was. I didn't understand. But is she to blame - for what? - to "thank" her so generously - with death?
… I didn't dare. I moaned, screamed inside myself from powerlessness, but I could not. Even the fact that, with the last bit of strength, stitching pieces of my soul with crooked seams, I continued to live so as not to hurt my family, already justified my existence. At least there was some benefit from me …
Aliya and I were standing near the school, I was crying. Then, at 16, a love drama tore my heart, it seemed that it would break and break to smithereens.
“I want to die,” I admitted.
To which the wise Alia answered with such arguments, which there was nothing to oppose.
“Okay,” she said, “have you thought about the children who are waiting for a mother like you? You will not let them be born and bring something light into this world? Thinking about your soul mate - about who wanders around the world looking for you? Will you leave him alone?
To whom will he calculate the period of being on the same line of several planets? Who will he tell about Shcherba's triangle the way he tells me? And how long will it take him to find a similar girl? Month? Year? Decade? Entire life?
- Are you ready to destroy the Plan? Break the chain of events and connections? How many people will get hurt who might need you?..
I did not really believe her arguments, the pain in my soul is much more honest and clear than any speculative reasoning about life and the future. But something in me then skipped a beat …
And yet there is, probably, in this world
To whom to tell the sorrow of my soul
And who will not let me with grief with a pistol
Kill myself in the middle of the silence of the night.
© Olya Pushinina, 2019
More than life
The feeling of being needed is the basic one that a person needs. This is what gives him the strength to live, what he kindles a fire in himself - sometimes barely noticeable, but warming from the inside, making a person alive.
Why live if you don't know what for?
What makes a person live is what is more important than his own life.
For a woman, by nature, these are children who have the right to be born and whom she can make happy despite her bad conditions. Although not always children can fill life with meaning.
A person does not want to live, not because he does not want to live at all.
He does not want to live the life that he lives. Hateful life. Because he feels bad.
I did not know why I should live, even my own family, love, children did not fill my universal question, piercing the emptiness with dumb pain: "What am I for?"
An insane desire to understand my purpose and explain how and why everything is arranged, continued to torment me.
Having studied world religions, metaphysics and many other things since childhood, I searched, but did not find …
My life "before" cannot be called life. It was existence in spite of itself, because you do not know: why is all this? Children, family, work, though beloved … There is something more than all this, but what exactly, I did not know.
This was not taught at school and the adults did not know about it. But it hurt inside so much that I didn't want to live, I couldn't …
The answer came unexpectedly. At the training "System Vector Psychology" I learned:
I am a sound person and yes, my natural desires lie outside the material world. We are more than just a body, I always knew this, but the evidence was not convincing.
My unwillingness to live was a cry for help, a search for a haven for my soul, a search for Meaning …
Now, when the Universe has acquired the features of a logically folded puzzle, and I know exactly where my fragment is, I feel good. I found answers to the questions tormenting me: what is the meaning of my life, what is my destiny, why was I born into this world?
I have ceased to be tormented by a misunderstanding of how this world works, how I am arranged and, most importantly, why all this?
My search for meaning found the source of the answers …
I live with the awareness of myself and others, it is no longer something that has been torn to shreds inside itching inside, it doesn’t hurt in endless searches and disappointments, I found it!
Thousands of people have found their meaning in life, the desire to commit suicide is gone forever. They all talk about it:
Before … Open the free online lecture by Yuri Burlan.
Until I found answers to my questions here, I also wanted to die every day …