Vegetarianism: how I bargained with God
Of course, I considered myself special, and the desire for closeness with the divine was not alien to me. Therefore, the very next day I easily gave up meat without suffering and groaning. I sincerely believed that I had become a little better and a little closer to the desired goal - "spiritual comprehension" and not yet very clear, but such an alluring phenomenon as "Liberation" …
My vegetarianism is over. For nearly ten years I have not eaten meat, fish, eggs. She gradually abandoned dairy products, leaving only cheese. Of course, I had my own weakness - sushi, which I fell in love with in my first year of university. After the first three years, I allowed myself a boo and rewarded myself with a trip to a sushi restaurant after work. I really liked it, but I never returned to fish.
I am special, and I have special reasons
In contrast to the reasons for the transition to vegetarianism, inherent in the "visual" mentality, I had much more "weighty" reasons for refusing meat. Yes, the “visual” love for our smaller brothers, the desire for a better life for them than the fate of survival on industrial farms, also manifested in me, but much later.
My main goal of giving up "karmic" food was spiritual growth! I closely communicated with a person who has been walking the path of self-discovery for several years and has been a vegetarian for several years. When I asked directly about the reasons, about the meaning, about the essence of such nutrition, he replied: “If you are a simple person, of course, you can eat meat, although it is not entirely healthy. But if you have set a spiritual goal, giving up meat is obligatory."
Of course, I considered myself special, and the desire for closeness with the divine was not alien to me. Therefore, the very next day I easily gave up meat without suffering and groaning. I sincerely believed that I had become a little better and a little closer to the desired goal - "spiritual comprehension" and not yet very clear, but such an alluring phenomenon as "Liberation".
In search of paradise
So months and years passed. Day after day I practiced these and then these rituals and practices. Search for the meaning of life, the answer to the question "who am I?" has always remained relevant.
At some point, I began to feel the inadequacy of the burden of the mission entrusted to me. She was thin, often lost her appetite, fell into depression. Did I connect this with vegetarianism? Of course not! Today, I see the reason for this state in the complete lack of realization of my innate properties, which, as I now understand, are characterized by a special ability to "listen" to life and reveal the meaning of the hidden.
For some time, the chosen practices filled my shortcomings, but over time I grew out of these pants, and the constantly growing volume of “sound” desires required a qualitatively new filling. I worked in many directions, but in the end I came to a dead end, to a depressed state that lasted for years.
While I was in school, in a familiar team, I was still afloat. And after puberty, when I crossed this line into adulthood and entered the university, I was completely covered.
At this age, people with a sound vector often find themselves without ground under their feet. Their inner search leads nowhere. You need to live further with full responsibility for yourself, but what to be responsible for? For the body and its survival? Strive, like everyone else, to make money and start a family? For us, sound people, this is too easy, we want global goals in life. To understand "why", because the meaning of everything that we will do next lies outside of material desires. So, suddenly for everyone and first of all for myself, I went into total loneliness and "asceticism", cutting off all social ties, reducing communication to only two people. What happened?
For a long time I was sure that the reason for such a sudden departure from society was precisely a spiritual search, a craving for heaven and the idea that it is precisely spiritual advancement and comprehension that can justify my existence. Thanks to the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, I got the opportunity to understand myself, to learn the most subtle nuances of my psyche and unconscious impulses.
I saw that going into "spirituality" was preceded by my complete failure in attempts to join the student society that was new to me. My young and largely naive outlook on life, with the belief that love rules the world, turned out to be not understood and not accepted by the people around me. I still remember how I was plunged into pain and depression, which I could not cope with, the opinion of literally everyone around that this very good does not exist in the world. They called me a naive child.
Gradually, I finally turned into a gray mouse and closed in on myself. I suffered a fiasco: I could not find a common language with people, did not know where my place was in the new environment, how to interact with this "adult world", and left - began to live alone and attended less and less lectures. I needed to justify my departure. Was I aware of this? Not. I was just sure that my escape, which eventually turned into a complete social failure, was justified. A decade of vegetarianism has been one of the clearest and most tangible proofs of my "unique, special and very important" journey.
How I Bargained With God
Unable to fulfill my specific role of "soundman" in the flock, not knowing myself and my characteristics, I began to substitute concepts. Not realizing the true desires of my unconscious, secretly I began to bargain with God: “Come on, Lord, I will not eat meat, I will give up my favorite sushi and even eggs, and you will“unfasten”me a little enlightenment for this. Look, I'm a good girl now! I left society, gave up the "violence", observe the "correct rules" … I already deserve it? " By and large, my request boiled down to one thing: "Make it so that it doesn't hurt me."
I chose the path of compensation, bargaining. As a child from a low-income family, I was not addicted to meat anyway. Limiting yourself to this did not give any difficulty. Thus, my sacrifice initially had no weight: “On You, O God, what is not good for me” or, as the people said, “Throw it out anyway”. Only after so much time did I become able to admit: yes, I did not cope with my specific task, I was confused and ran away.
The feeling that with vegetarianism and other practices I could close the holes in my soul and open the doors to heaven replaced my true realization. But how long could I deceive myself? And what to do when the former no longer works, when you gradually grow out of past practices, and the new has not yet arrived?
Now all this seems to me to be child's play. Because it is infantile and immature to direct talents, features of your psyche exclusively to yourself and to the service of your complexes. This is what the child does, each time escaping from the real reality, which contains all our practice, living people and growth.
Now, when I eat a fish or a chicken wing, somewhere in the background there is still a flicker of fear that now I will not become a saint and that I will certainly not be allowed to heaven. When I realize this thought, it becomes funny to me, kindly, sincerely and lively. "Why are you eating meat again?" a close person asked me. And what do you think happened? There was no answer in me! Not a single thought! That "enlightenment" and clarity of mind, which are described in the books, has arrived. Isn't it funny?
The answer came only after a couple of days: “Why am I eating meat? I want to live !!! And that's all. I just want to live. I want to feel, love and learn again, open up to new experiences and communicate with people, live my day for real and appreciate every moment! Now I know how I can realize myself in the best way, so that the long-awaited “paradise” becomes possible for me on earth.
