Confession of an annoying fly: how I got rid of love addiction
I realized the existence of emotional dependence, but it seemed to me that it was not enough. I felt some great strength that tied me to my husband. Something held me in chains, similar to voluntary slavery. That is why I did not become in this life someone other than the beloved of my man …
For the umpteenth time I hear in my address the irritated "leave me alone!", "Leave!", "Do not go!" … And these words are like nails being driven into my heart. They drive me away, they brush me aside, they don't want to see me … And I continue to climb like a fly into a jar of jam. I wish you to get bogged down in it and never leave.
Perhaps I should distract myself from this venture? But I can not! Just as a drug addict cannot live without his dose and is ready for any tricks for her sake, so I go for any trick so that my beloved is near. Sometimes I hate myself for this addiction, but I can't stop. I drown in tears every time I am rudely pushed and driven away, and again I go on the attack. Like a moth flying into the light, I do not feel danger and I rush to the object of my adoration. So sweet and attractive …
And all would be fine, but I'm not a fly or a moth, but a woman. A woman suffering from idolatry. And my idol is a beloved man. By creating an altar for worship, I almost lost myself and my life. Where is my dignity ?! How could this happen?
I'm sticky-sticky, who will you give me to?
So in childhood we played in the yard. Hugging someone tightly, they said this phrase and waited for us to be transferred to someone else. The hugs were tenacious and unbearable, so the victim always immediately spoke someone's name and happily freed herself from the piled up burden.
But that was in childhood, and now I do the same in relation to the most beloved person. The only difference is that I don't want to be given to someone. I am so scared to be left alone and unnecessary that my presence becomes too much. It’s scary to lose my significance and value, so I cannot step away from the object of my love.
At the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan, I understood the reason for my painful condition. I have a real emotional addiction. This happens when the owner of the visual vector, having a huge emotional potential, builds a relationship, thinking not so much about what he himself can give to his beloved, but about how to receive from him - love, attention, dedication. This desire to possess a person is always when a full-blooded life is replaced by a constant and painful sighing for the object of love. In addition, this is accompanied by the fear of not receiving as much love as the heart desires. Infantile desire to receive emotions at any cost. Even if you have to throw a scandal and a tantrum.
In this fear of loss and the race for attention, I lose myself, I lose my face and my life. Visual emotional swings sometimes change my state so dramatically that my behavior is no longer adequate. The fear of loss, the fear of breaking the emotional connection - all these are signs that my visual vector is not full. I capriciously and childishly see only myself and my shortcomings. I play the role of a constant victim who has not been given love and attention. Tracking this process in many ways helped me to slow down unbalanced emotionality, to see myself from the outside and try to shift the focus from myself to him, to see what the one whom I love wants.
My God, my Idol, my Altar
I realized the existence of emotional dependence, but it seemed to me that it was not enough. I felt some great strength that tied me to my husband. Something held me in chains, similar to voluntary slavery. That is why I did not become in this life someone other than the beloved of my man.
For 13 years of life together, I have not found my calling and never went to work. Although many people note my literacy and communication skills. I am with my idol and cannot leave this post, seeing this as the meaning of my life. I traded years of my realization for serving a man who didn't even ask me to. She took him to the altar and was ready to repel any attempt on my object of adoration. This is how another difficult psychological condition manifests itself, which is called sound transfer at the training "System-vector psychology".
A person with a sound vector has the strongest desire to cognize the meaning of life, but without realizing and not realizing it, he can concentrate all his attention on one person, elevating him to the rank of saints or even equating him with God. This happens more often in sound women than in men.
It suddenly became obvious to me that when my husband was not around, I didn’t live, I wasted away. I need his presence like air. Without it, the meaning of actions is lost, even such as eating or drinking. And in this case, I become more like a spider, entwining its victim with a web in order to tie it to itself and not lose sight of it.
My husband feels this and tries to escape from my shackles at every opportunity, while at the same time feeling the need to patronize me. After all, I have skillfully created an aura of weakness and defenselessness around me. Although, in fact, I really am a social non-adaptant. Visual and sound vectors give a person intelligence, a huge creative potential, but if you don't realize it, then you come to states when you don't know how to live among people. In general, I am still quite hardy and stable, but I cannot show my beloved my inner strength and self-sufficiency, because I am afraid that he will slip away from me. Will go away to fill the lack of the weaker. After all, he is by nature such - giving away into lack.
I'm afraid, afraid, twitching, staying vigilant. All for the sake of trying to keep your miracle on the altar. Is he afraid of losing me? Is she afraid to be left without me and my love? At some point, during the training, I began to notice that my condition worsened and I was losing control of the situation. My husband openly began to avoid me and my control. Relations heated up and began to burst at the seams. My mind was already painting terrible pictures of loneliness and worthlessness. Yuri Burlan's words that psychoanalysis is not about pleasant things (after all, we pull all our anchors out of the unconscious) did not reassure. The process of awareness was painful, and although this is the norm for many, I was afraid that in the end I would be left all alone. But still, I let go of my grip and froze in anticipation of a possible parting. Let it be…
Find the reason
Left alone with myself, I analyzed my own motives and actions. It was important for me to trace where my madness began. I remembered that in early childhood I had a similar emotional dependence on my mother. She often tiredly told me that she would tie it to her with a belt and nothing would change. So much I clung to her and did not leave a step. This is how the anal-visual ligament of vectors manifested in me. Thanks to this combination, the child literally grows "golden" - obedient and conflict-free. Mom for him is the center of the universe, unconditional love and adoration for her. But only if the child has enough of her attention. Otherwise, resentment, stubbornness and a feeling that they have not been given enough, disliked arise.
It all started after the birth of my younger sister. Mom brought a parcel with a baby from the hospital and did not leave him all day. Five-year-old, I missed my mother so much and so wanted to be with her, as before! But seeing her being busy as a newborn sister, I did not dare to approach and burst into tears from resentment. It began to seem to me that I was no longer loved. That this baby stood between me and my beloved mother. Plus, my parents scolded me for crying for no reason and put me in a corner. They did not understand me, and this was the very starting point of my many years of resentment.
Along with the resentment, a desire arose to prove one’s worth. It was then that my scenario of painful love and resentment against the object of adoration was born. I tried to be the best, not myself. Because of this effort, I could not become an actress, as I dreamed. For the sake of my parents' approval, I always went not where I wanted. And then she sacrificed her interests for the sake of striving to be 24 hours seven days a week with her beloved.
Yuri Burlan's training "System Vector Psychology" helped me to look at this situation through the eyes of my parents. How did they feel then, why did they do it? And I justified with all my heart and forgave the closest people. With the knowledge of the motives and cause-and-effect relationships of actions, there is no longer a desire to hold offenses, they dissolve. Misunderstanding and anger go away. And most importantly, tenderness and a desire to take care of parents are born.
Time to move on
The annoying fly sat in the observer pose. The jar of jam still beckons, but I no longer want to attack it treacherously. I wish to receive it voluntarily and for love. So that they would like to let me enjoy it.
Oddly enough, my husband did not leave me. Although at some point it already seemed to me that everything was going to hell. And it was then that the understanding came that there was no control. Never. It's not me who decides whether a man will be there or not. He decided to be with me. And with my desire to keep a person who is already ready to share his life with me, I do not give him the opportunity to rejoice at my success. I deprive myself of realization with my own hands. I do not fill my life with happy moments that can please me, and do not have to adapt to the two of us.
I remembered that for 20 years now I have dreamed of learning to play the guitar. For 10 years I've been walking with a driver's license, but I don't have my own car (which I've always dreamed of). I do not go to those places that I want to visit, only because of my husband's unwillingness to visit them.
I remember myself before meeting my husband. She was a cheerful girl who loved to travel, sing and read fantastic books. Walk at night, staring at the stars and composing poetry on the go. It was me - the real one. This is what my husband once loved me. But instead of enjoying this relationship, I chose the path of control and limitations inherent in my skin vector. It became a substitute for my realization and my ambitions. Indeed, without career growth and organization of social life, a person with a skin vector is able to turn into a real housewife, creating a strict regime colony for relatives.
Today I want to think about my desires and realization. I want to get pleasure from life without looking painfully around in search of a seemingly escaping loved one. The training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan gave me a tool for building a new and happy life. Divided it into before and after. I want to do a lot of important things that I conceived many years ago. Take a deep breath and move forward. I now have every chance to become myself again. The same cheerful and creative girl that my husband once fell in love with. Who knows, maybe he will fall in love with me again.
