Adolescence in Children - Problems and Solutions
What happens during the transition period? Why such an explosion of aggression among teenagers Why do they stop obeying their parents and is it possible to somehow smooth out this process? How to pass it painlessly without losing good relations?
A lot of attention is paid to raising children these days. Parents learn from various books and articles that things are not so simple. While their child grows up, they will have to go through a crisis of three years, then adaptation in kindergarten and school, some other previously unknown crises and, finally, a crisis of adolescence.
"Little kids are little trouble, and big kids are big trouble." It has long been noticed among the people, and over time even described in classical literature, that the exit of children into adulthood is accompanied by great difficulties.
Conflicts arise, often insurmountable. Quite often the "war" of children with their parents drags on for years, or even for the whole life. Relationships deteriorate irrevocably, communication is interrupted or goes through force. Parents and children, the closest and closest people come to the fact that they can hardly tolerate each other, trying to meet as rarely as possible and only when necessary. Such meetings often end with scandals and reproaches, after which both sides suffer even more, not understanding what is happening, often accusing themselves of intemperance.
So what actually happens during the transition? Why such an explosion of aggression in adolescents? Why do they stop obeying their parents and is it possible to somehow smooth out this process? How to pass it painlessly without losing good relations? The answer is given by the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Parents are the guarantors of safety for the baby
A human child is born completely helpless. His survival is completely dependent on adults and, first of all, on his mother. The kid feels the security and safety that comes from her, and this brings his psyche into a state of comfort. Until the age of three, he does not at all realize his separation from other people.
After three years, the child already begins to realize a certain degree of his separateness and, at the same time, complete dependence on his parents. Children can be obedient and not very, but even the most stubborn and restless in the end obey the parental will.
This happens not only because the child is physically weaker than the adult. The very nature in the child is such behavior. In his unformed psyche, there is still no desire and need to take responsibility for his own survival. He looks at his parents as guarantors of his safety. They stand as an unbreakable wall between him and the world around him, which is not always kind.
Mom will protect, comfort, cure, feed, take to the zoo. The whole world around is perceived by the child through the parents.
How an orange grows on an apple tree
At trainings in systemic vector psychology, you can often hear from Yuri Burlan: "Oranges will not be born from mountain ash, but anyone can be born to a person."
Parents subjectively think that their child is like them. Outwardly, he really may look like. But internally it is often a completely different person.
According to system-vector psychology, we are all different, and what distinguishes us from each other is called vectors. A vector is a group of innate mental properties and desires of various orientations. For example, a representative of the anal vector is a homebody who loves home comfort, treats the past with great trepidation, respects elders. The skin vector makes a fidget out of the child, always rushing from home to street. He cannot do one thing for a long time, everything is in a hurry, in a hurry.
The vectors give us not only special character traits, but also value systems and preferences in choosing a profession. All this is not without reason, this is so that everyone can take their place in society according to innate properties. Then the whole range of tasks facing humanity will be solved in the best possible way. You must admit that we do not need everyone to be businessmen or presidents. Someone has to become a doctor, teacher, artist, or farmer. Different desires and different abilities given to us from birth lead each of us through life.
But parents often think that the child needs to be raised in their own image and likeness, that is, to convey to him his vision of the world and his experience. Such attempts cause many conflicts and misunderstandings even with young children, and in adolescence can lead to even more trouble.
A flying chick will not come back, but a man comes back
Oh, how we love our children! There is no one in the world dearer than them. When they grow up and leave the parent's nest, we leaf through the albums of children's photographs with tenderness, with the most tender and warm feelings. It seems that we are about to hear children's voices: "Mom, Mom!" And we are again filled with a sense of boundless love, and with it a sense of responsibility for the fate of the child, when all life is woven around him so that he feels good, so that he grows up strong, healthy and happy.
We certainly love our children, and they respond in kind. It never even occurs to us that this love is inherent in nature itself. And even a chicken is ready to sacrifice its life for the chickens. See how she fiercely protects them from the predator.
We humans, in addition to animal love, the one that is instinctive, have even deeper feelings for our children. An emotional bond is created between parents and children that animals do not. This connection is of a cultural order.
Animals easily and painlessly part with their offspring. In the wild, a chick that flies out of the nest will never come back. There is no longer any connection between him and his parents.
Humans differ from animals in that adult children maintain a bond with their parents. But they do it not by instinct, but at the call of the human soul. For example, children with a skin vector visit their parents out of a sense of duty. Representatives of the anal vector are generally more attached to their parents than others. Growing up, they regularly visit dad and mom, take care of them with pleasure, feeling great gratitude to their parents. Visual children are emotionally connected to their parents. Even when they grow up, they still share their innermost feelings and experiences with them.
All this, of course, on one condition: if the child has developed correctly in childhood and has successfully passed the transitional age - puberty (age 12-16).
What happened to the child?
So what happens to a child at puberty? In fact, nothing bad happens to him. Your child has grown up and, obeying the call of nature, comes out of your care. And it all starts with the fact that he ceases to receive a sense of security from his parents, and this takes his psyche out of balance. The process starts automatically and is very painful. The teenager himself does not understand what is happening to him.
The psyche wants to find the lost balance. And this is now possible only on condition of reaching adulthood - inclusion in society.
In society, we manifest ourselves in different ways, each in accordance with his innate nature. In this way, we make our feasible contribution to collective survival, and in return we get a sense of security. Some go to the army, some go to college, and some go straight to work. The adolescent's acceptance of responsibility for his own life and, as a result, the realization of himself in society, relieves stress in the psyche and returns the lost balance.
Vectors develop in a person up to puberty. In the future, the period of their implementation begins. The psyche has finished development, and the teenager begins to try his hand. First of all, he trains his innate properties on his own parents. For example, the anal vector is critical analysis, honesty and directness. A teenager with an anal vector suddenly begins to criticize his parents. He does it somewhat roughly, straightforwardly, not always reasonably. The dermal child, who used to return home minute by minute, now comes late, but when asked "where have you been?" answers: "None of your business!" So he tries to take responsibility for his life on himself.
Parents do not like this behavior, and they try to "put the child in his place", and in fact, return the relationship to the previous channel, when the child was completely dependent on them. But this is already impossible to do, and it is not necessary.
But what about? After all, a teenager is not yet ready to live his own mind. You can't let him do a lot of stupid things! What if he gets into bad company, contacts criminals or drug addicts?
Our fears and worries are well founded. Indeed, a child in adolescence is still inexperienced and easily lends itself to someone else's influence. However, prohibitions and punishments can no longer solve anything. Attempts to influence the child with the old methods no longer work. Sometimes it even seems that he does everything in spite, the opposite of what you tell him.
How to stop screaming into the abyss
"Like peas against a wall" - this is how a teenager perceives the words of his parents who are trying to educate him using the old, familiar methods. On the contrary, he seems to provoke them into a scandal.
The contact is obviously lost. How to get it back? How can you make sure your teenager still listens to your words? After all, you only wish him well and worry about him.
The answer is simple: stop talking to him like an adult to a child. Begin to have an equal dialogue. And most importantly, talk to your teen in his language.
No, I'm not encouraging you to master teenage slang. All that is required of you is to determine the innate properties of your maturing child and conduct your conversation in accordance with his natural characteristics. This will allow you to find convincing arguments and iron arguments in a conversation with him.
You seem to be imbued with his thoughts and feelings, you will be with him, as they say, on the same wavelength. This will allow you to be aware of everything that happens in his life, both good and bad. You will be admitted to the zone of trust, they will begin to listen to your opinion. The information you provide correctly will be perceived by the teenager as his own thoughts.
But for this you need to completely abstract from yourself, your system of values, your own interests and ideas about life. Focus on the child and find those points of contact behind many disagreements that will change not only him, but also you. Your experience and maturity, multiplied by his youth and desire to be independent, is the key to the successful entry of a teenager into adulthood. Not to impose your vision, but to learn to look at the world through his eyes, gently and correctly directing it in the right direction. This will save the teenager from many troubles, while maintaining your good relationship with him for life.
This is not an easy task, and it is necessary to start interacting with the child in accordance with his innate nature - vectors - as early as possible, without waiting for adolescence. The training in systemic vector psychology makes this possible. This is evidenced by the results of those who passed it and managed to improve relations with their children.
Do you want to talk to your child in a language that he and you understand? Register for free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan here:
